I did it. I've been putting off this task for awhile, but I finally sat down and opened all my mail that has been accumulating since the miscarriage, paid my bills and updated my spreadsheet that totals our medical expenses for 2010, as it looks like we'll be able to deduct medical expenses for taxes for the first time.
The grand total to date for my TTC journey:
Doctors, procedures: $4,345.12
Medications: $2,845.36
Alternative (Acupuncture, herbs): $1,465.00
Total: $8,655.48
This makes me ill. Most of this we've spent since January - in six months, we spent almost $9K, and we have nothing to show for it. I know other ladies out there have spent much more, but that also pisses me off! We're still at step 1 - no baby. Yes, we're a little more knowledgeable, but we're also more jaded and bitter... What a great way to spend our money. And it's not even over. We're still at the beginning.
It's been a tough week. The hubs and I still haven't really talked through things. They're better, but not great. I can definitely tell that it's been three weeks since I've talked with my therapist. She had back surgery, so she hasn't been available, but I go back to see her tomorrow - thank goodness. Also, I went to the doctor on Thursday and found out I sprained my ankle and have tendonitis. I have to wear a boot that immobilizes my ankle for about three weeks. And ice it at least 5-6 times per day, and take anti-inflammatory meds.
I didn't go to the RE this week - rescheduled for next week - as my friend with breast cancer started losing her hair from the chemo and wanted me to go with her to wig shopping. We went to the best place - they really cater to chemo patients and others with medical problems. The owner has male-pattern baldness, so she started losing her hair when she was about 30. She went through an awful experience with wigs, so she decided to open up her own shop and treat people well. It was amazing. They shaved my friend's hair for her, it was part of the wig price, which was actually really fun. We took pictures when she only had a mohawk - really fun to see a 52 year old with cancer playing around with a mohawk! But it was tough. I try to be real positive for her, but then I get to my car and cry. It's just terrible.
And then my dog Jackson has a cyst on his back that ruptured and is infected. It has been there for about 2 years, but the vet told us not to get it removed 2 years ago, as it wasn't hurting anything. Now they are saying it is infected, they definitely have to remove it via surgery, and it might be a cancerous tumor - they have to do a biopsy to tell for sure. I really hope it's not - I don't know that I can handle that on top of everything.
I really hope this upcoming week is better. I see my therapist tomorrow, which should help. But I have to take Jackson to the vet for a biopsy and then later surgery. And I'm taking the foster puppy to get spayed on Thursday, and then Petsmart on Saturday to hopefully get adopted. I really hope she gets adopted soon - she's been really fun, but I have so much stuff going on, it's starting to be too much. And I go to the RE on Wednesday for a consult - follow-up on the miscarriage. All while hobbling around on my ankle with a boot! AND this is a very busy week at work - the auditors are coming for our quarterly review. I really want to start feeling better in my head - feeling very depressed. I'm functioning pretty well, but everything makes me so incredibly tired. And I always feel like the tears are about to come.
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Oh, Alex, I just want to run over there and give you a giant hug. What a sucky week and just so many things adding stress and and sadness and anxiety.
ReplyDeleteThe money makes me sick, too. Whenever I think about what we've spent so far and what is still to come I just get sad. Last year we just had enough to claim in our taxes. This year we've put some cafeteria plan money aside pre-taxes and, even so, will probably still end up with more than enough. It is so depressing that we all have to go through this and I know what we've spent is only a drop in the bucket.
I really hope your week next week is better. Hopefully the therapist will help some. (((hugs)))
Oh NO!!! you poor thing....I hope your Jackson is ok...thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Alex you have so much to contend with right now. I remember my counsellor telling me a few years ago when I was struggling that I just had too much in my bucket and I can't help but feel thats what its like for you right now. Everyone has a life bucket and once its full with stuff we start to loose control and need to find a way to empty the bucket a little so it's an easier load to carry.
ReplyDeleteRe the money stuff. I shudder to think how much we've spent and for that reason have not ever sat down and worked it out. I have moments of thinking we may as well have got a huge pile of money and just burnt it as we have nothing to show for it either.
It sounds like such an emotional week for you...and its not easy to handle it all when you've had the recent experiences you have. Thinking of you and hoping the session with your therapist helps you off load.
(((hugs))) What an emotional week,I am thinking of you. Hoping that you can find some peace after seeing your therapist this week.
ReplyDeleteYikes, I haven't added up the money I have thrown into my body since TTC, I would rather not know. My only hope is that one day it will be worth it for us.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a supportive friend, I am glad your friend is able to laugh when faced with such a difficult diagnosis, I am sorry.
And poor Jackson, I hope that he is ok. Dogs have an amazing ability to bounce back, I am sure he will be fine!
Hang in there, I hope next week brings better things :)
I also hope that next week brings better things for you. YUCK.
ReplyDeleteIt was nice to read about a positive experience for someone who needed a wig. It was also very kind of you to go with her to offer your support.
How is Jackson doing? I love that name, btw.
Wow Alex, that's a lot going on! I'm glad your therapist is back this week. Sending tons of good vibes to Jackson. We've had to have cysts removed from two dogs before, one was benign and one cancerous. They both did great after they were removed and lived to a ripe old age....
ReplyDeleteSending you HUGE (((HUGS)))!!
OMG, I'm so sorry! I hope you have a much better week this week. Hope your dog is ok. The money thing is infuriating, I can't even bring myself to add it up. I keep receipts in envelopes but adding it all up would give me a heart attack. Esp since we have nothing to show for it either. Boo!
ReplyDeleteDamn IF. The bill adds up so fast and it's so stressful. Add the financial stress to everything else and it's the perfect storm. Talking through it is really good...if you get an hour to step away from the house together as a couple, that always helps us. We go get ice cream or coffee and just discuss. Take care with everything else! Feel better!
ReplyDeleteYikes I'm right there with you about the everything makes you tired and always feeling like the tears are about to come. What a bad feeling to carry around all the time :( *hug*
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a wonderful thing by being there for your friend. Even if you have to cry in the car, it's awesome that you are taking time and being strong for her.
Sorry to hear about Jackson. I hope the surgery goes well and definitely that it's not cancerous.
Hang in there.
Wow, what a crazy crazy week. I can't believe all the crap you are going through right now. I admire your ability to get through all of this. I sooo wish I could come and take that foster puppy off of your hands. I would love to have her.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping fervently that your dog's biopsy comes out negative, and I, too, feel sick about the amount of money you and others have spent on ttc... it is so unfair that this is not covered more completely by insurance! And I really hope you can bring your husband around for a real talk soon. It sounds like it would be really good for him, as well as for you.
You are a great friend to skip your RE appt for the wig shopping, and I am glad it was a fun experience. Did you try on any yourself? I always think it is kind of fun to try on wigs...
Hang in there lovely lady. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeletethat price tag is really ugly. I am keeping tabs on mine, and it falls a couple K less than yours and still nothing...
ReplyDeleteAlex, what a shitty horrible week. You have so much going on I really don't know how you're handling all of that.
ReplyDeleteI hope your dog's biopsy comes back all good and the little puppy gets adopted soon.
My heart breaks for your friend with cancer. I'm so sorry.
hugs.
that sounds like a terrible week sweetie.. I hope the one that just started will bring you some happiness and a few laughs too.. it sounds like you need a good laugh. thinking of you
ReplyDeleteOh, babe, what a week:( You're dealing with stuff that - if the universe were a kinder place - would be spread out over a year. Or not happen at all.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of that wig place. My mom does hair and as her clientele ages, well, a lot have had cancer through the years. And so she's become an expert on styling wigs. And while she can joke around with them, and be very happy that she can support them in this way (some of these ladies have been coming to her for 30 years) she, too, has ended up crying in her car. It is a tough, tough thing to watch someone go through. And I'm so sorry about Jackson's cyst but I am hoping for an uncomplicated (and happy) scenario in which surgery and a round of antibiotics make him right as rain. The money thing...last year we got to declare medical expenses on taxes. What a bittersweet moment. The accountant's eyes nearly jumped out of his head. It's terrible to sit down and tally it up and it gave us a huge shock, as well.
Hang in there, Alex. I am hoping that brighter times are right around the corner. And I am hoping that your hubs just needs a little time, and that things get better very soon.
The money is awful. I try to ignore it. I try to tell myself some people get fancy cars, but that isn't what it is important and I am fine with it going towards growing our family, etc....but really it sucks.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your friend.
I really hope the test results come back that your dog is okay.
So glad you are going to see your therapist. I can always tell when I haven't been blogging much. My feelings build up in me. I use my blog and free therapy, haha. :)