My Friend M

I have a friend, we'll call her M, who lives in Switzerland. I’ve known her from probably about 12 years, and we’ve been friends ever since working long hours together – seems like ages ago. She left the US about 8 years ago, but we’ve remained friends. We rarely see each other, but we’re pretty good on email. I’m planning on seeing her in September when we go to Europe. We were going to stop and stay with her for a couple days. Occasionally she gets some great international calling cards, and we talk for an hour on the phone. The last time was in March. I told her about my TTC and treatments stuff, and she told me about her life. She and her boyfriend had decided that they want to do three things in the next year – get married, buy a house, and have a baby, and not necessarily in that order. They decided they only have the money to do two things, so they’re going to have a baby and buy a house. I told her that I had been trying, and was going to continue to try as well, so hopefully we would be pregnant the same time.

In early June, I received a mass email from her boyfriend – they were pregnant! She was 3 months along, and they were so happy to send out an announcement email. They showed a picture of her, and she already had a fairly large bump, at least for 3 months! I responded to her email, saying congratulations, and letting her know that I was pregnant too. I was about 1 ½ months behind her. We started chatting about how fun it was going to be when I was there in September – she was going to be 6 ½ months, I was going to be 5 months, we’re pregnant together! We made plans to talk to each other on the phone the weekend of her birthday, which was in a few weeks.

A few days before her birthday, I lost my baby. I was supposed to talk to her that weekend, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t talk with a pregnant woman, I didn’t want to be negative with her, and also I couldn’t stand talking to her and trying to be happy for her. I sent her a text postponing our call, and then a few weeks later I told her via email. She responded very well, very nice. I was still planning on seeing her in September, but I knew it would be sad. I was afraid to see her and her big belly.

And then I had a bad feeling a couple weeks ago. I hadn’t heard from her in awhile. I sent her a text, asking how she was doing, and she responded saying she was in the hospital on bed rest – her amniotic fluid was low. She stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and it was looking better, but on Thursday, it started decreasing. They did everything they could, but her doctor told her that the baby wasn’t viable, and it’s starting to affect M’s health, and so they made the decision today that they have to terminate her pregnancy. I found this out this morning.

I’m devastated for her. She was so excited to have this baby. I don’t think it took her very long to get pregnant, and everything was going so very well for her pregnancy. And now this. She was almost 5 months.

Of course it made me think of my future pregnancy – assuming of course that there will be one. How in the world do people comfortable in pregnancy? I was reading the message boards on the SIRM website yesterday, and someone asked about her miscarriage risk at almost 9 weeks – the doctor said she would be fine – there’s very little miscarriage risk at that point. BULLSHIT!!!!! I got so angry at the computer, at that doctor, even at that woman for now thinking she was ok, and safe from miscarriage. Nobody is. I don’t know how all those women out there walk around all pregnant and happy, thinking they’re free from risk. You just never know – it could happen at any time. Part of me thinks that I’m too aware of all the losses from hanging out here in bloggy land, but now, an IRL friend, who was having a perfectly healthy and happy pregnancy, who didn’t even have problems getting pregnant, lost her baby at almost 5 months!!! If she can’t do it, what kind of hope should I have?

I’m going to my RE this afternoon, for a now-what kind of appointment, and I don’t even know why. Yes, I want a baby, more than anything in the whole world, but I can’t imagine being pregnant and knowing that at any moment, I could lose it.