Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Friend M

I have a friend, we'll call her M, who lives in Switzerland. I’ve known her from probably about 12 years, and we’ve been friends ever since working long hours together – seems like ages ago. She left the US about 8 years ago, but we’ve remained friends. We rarely see each other, but we’re pretty good on email. I’m planning on seeing her in September when we go to Europe. We were going to stop and stay with her for a couple days. Occasionally she gets some great international calling cards, and we talk for an hour on the phone. The last time was in March. I told her about my TTC and treatments stuff, and she told me about her life. She and her boyfriend had decided that they want to do three things in the next year – get married, buy a house, and have a baby, and not necessarily in that order. They decided they only have the money to do two things, so they’re going to have a baby and buy a house. I told her that I had been trying, and was going to continue to try as well, so hopefully we would be pregnant the same time.

In early June, I received a mass email from her boyfriend – they were pregnant! She was 3 months along, and they were so happy to send out an announcement email. They showed a picture of her, and she already had a fairly large bump, at least for 3 months! I responded to her email, saying congratulations, and letting her know that I was pregnant too. I was about 1 ½ months behind her. We started chatting about how fun it was going to be when I was there in September – she was going to be 6 ½ months, I was going to be 5 months, we’re pregnant together! We made plans to talk to each other on the phone the weekend of her birthday, which was in a few weeks.

A few days before her birthday, I lost my baby. I was supposed to talk to her that weekend, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t talk with a pregnant woman, I didn’t want to be negative with her, and also I couldn’t stand talking to her and trying to be happy for her. I sent her a text postponing our call, and then a few weeks later I told her via email. She responded very well, very nice. I was still planning on seeing her in September, but I knew it would be sad. I was afraid to see her and her big belly.

And then I had a bad feeling a couple weeks ago. I hadn’t heard from her in awhile. I sent her a text, asking how she was doing, and she responded saying she was in the hospital on bed rest – her amniotic fluid was low. She stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and it was looking better, but on Thursday, it started decreasing. They did everything they could, but her doctor told her that the baby wasn’t viable, and it’s starting to affect M’s health, and so they made the decision today that they have to terminate her pregnancy. I found this out this morning.

I’m devastated for her. She was so excited to have this baby. I don’t think it took her very long to get pregnant, and everything was going so very well for her pregnancy. And now this. She was almost 5 months.

Of course it made me think of my future pregnancy – assuming of course that there will be one. How in the world do people comfortable in pregnancy? I was reading the message boards on the SIRM website yesterday, and someone asked about her miscarriage risk at almost 9 weeks – the doctor said she would be fine – there’s very little miscarriage risk at that point. BULLSHIT!!!!! I got so angry at the computer, at that doctor, even at that woman for now thinking she was ok, and safe from miscarriage. Nobody is. I don’t know how all those women out there walk around all pregnant and happy, thinking they’re free from risk. You just never know – it could happen at any time. Part of me thinks that I’m too aware of all the losses from hanging out here in bloggy land, but now, an IRL friend, who was having a perfectly healthy and happy pregnancy, who didn’t even have problems getting pregnant, lost her baby at almost 5 months!!! If she can’t do it, what kind of hope should I have?

I’m going to my RE this afternoon, for a now-what kind of appointment, and I don’t even know why. Yes, I want a baby, more than anything in the whole world, but I can’t imagine being pregnant and knowing that at any moment, I could lose it.


  1. So sorry to hear about your friend. I hope your appointment goes well.

  2. Oh, God! I thought I knew where this post was headed and was ready to commiserate (I, too, have a really good IRL friend who was just 11 weeks ahead of me...and I'm having a hard time dealing, though I'm happy for her).

    BUT -- this is so sad, and my heart is breaking for your friend. I don't know how anyone ever relaxes during pregnancy. I know that I never will. It makes me want to jump right into adoption, though you have heartbreaks there, too.

    Fertiles will never understand the miracle that they experience, but you will. When your turn comes again you may not be "comfortable" but you will truly appreciate the miracle of that life inside of you.

    I hope it's soon.


  3. I'm so sorry for your friend. I think it never gets easy to feel relaxed. Life is precious and bad things happen everyday. You just have to be thankful for what you have at the moment while simultaneously trying not to have anxiety over "what if's"

  4. Oh no, I'm so sorry for your friend.
    The risk may be low after 12 weeks, but it's never gone, we're never safe. (hugs)

  5. That's so tragic!! I'm so sorry for what your friend is going through!

    As grateful as I am for my miracle, you're right - it's so hard to be comfortable with pregnancy.... I'm just trying not to let the paranoia run my life. You'll get there and stressful or not it will be worth it!

  6. Oh, I'm so sorry. That is so, so horrible! I can't even imagine what they're going through.

    But, you are right, I will never feel comfortable in pregnancy. I wish I could imagine that everything will be OK no matter what, but there is just so much that could happen.

    My OB said on three separate occasions even while I was spotting red "well, you've seen the heartbeat so there really is very little risk of miscarriage -- like 3%." Well, 3% is obviously still something -- and I fell on the wrong side of that. It made me crazy every time he said it and now I kind of want to run at him and say "stop saying that to people! it just makes them feel worse if it 'happens' to them."

    But, of course, for a "normal" person if you get pregnant you'll just have the baby, obviously. Losses happen to other people. Even before my loss that world was hard to imagine based off of all the people I've known on-line and IRL.

  7. How tragic! My heart goes out to her...especially after that doctor's comment. I have an IRL friend who I haven't heard from in a while...last I heard she was 12 weeks...I have tried calling. So, I am hoping for the best, but fearing the worst.

    I have the same questions about how it would be to be "comfortable" in a pregnancy. I just can't imagine it.

    Hugs to you, my dear!!!

  8. Oh no. I am so sorry for your friend. That is so heartbreaking to read. I will keep her in my thoughts. Best of luck at your appointment this afternoon. I hope it goes well.

  9. Wow, that is devasting. I am so sorry for your friend. I was talking with my acupuncturist and she was saying how many IF women she has worked with over the years who can never relax during pregnancy until they deliver a healthy baby. Its so scary! It would be so amazing to go through 40 weeks as a blissfull fertle.

  10. I know what you mean. I can't imagine that i will ever be able to relax until i can actually hold my baby in my arms (even then, i will probably still be scared that God could take them away!). It's all about having faith, but it is so much easier said then done.

  11. I'm so sorry for your friend :( (and for you too... I can't even imagine a loss like that)

    This may not be the same, since I have never been pregnant, I don't pretend to know how a loss feels, but I can't help but think of the risk of death in general. Anyone could die at any moment and it seems like that risk is similar to the risk of losing a pregnancy. My dad died very suddenly at 49 years old. He wasn't sick (that we knew of), he didn't have any chronic illness or history of illness, just one day he was gone. It was surreal and made me question how anyone can go on living when the risk of losing loved ones was so great. I'm not a huge worrier but ever since then my mind goes to bad places when I haven't heard from people and I should have. "What if R hasn't gotten home yet because he's dead?" type of thing. My dad died 9 years ago and that feeling faded with time and then was brought back when my grandfather died a year and a half ago.

    Life is all about risk I guess. It's a sad (sometimes depressing) realization I got only after being an adult for a while. Those thoughts can really put a negative spin on everything if you let them.

  12. Good luck with your apt. It def. shows us that infertility is all too common - and risk of losing a pregnancy, even for seemingly healthy as a horse individuals, is there. I'm sorry for your friend...hopefully when you go to see her, you guys can give each other BIG hugs!!! Friendship is important, through the good and the bad. Take care and good luck!

  13. I'm so sorry for your friend. It's such a tough situation.

    I have struggled through this entire pregnancy with thinking that at any minute, we could lose her. I guess because of our first m/c, because I look back at that first pgcy and think about how excited I was that we were finally there! M/C didn't cross my mind much because it just HAD to work after all that time and effort! But with this one, I was so guarded...first holding my breath to the 10 week mark (when we lost the first pgcy), then till we were out of the 1st tri, then till viability. I'm supposed to travel often for my job and I just haven't. I'm afraid to get on a plane, to be away from J, that something will go wrong. At this point, I'm forcing myself to go, but I have to say it doesn't stop. The worry will always be there, until I hold her in my arms. And, I guess for the rest of my life because it comes with the territory.

    But I do know that she is worth the worry. It has helped me to set small goals like I mentioned above. But she's still there TODAY and I guess that is what I try (and by try, I mean I fail most of the time) to think positively and expect the best.

    I'll be thinking of you as you decide the next steps.

  14. goodluck at your appt today :o)

    i'm sooo sorry to hear about your friend. i'm going to be a nervous wreck if i ever get knocked up. unfortunately, we all "know too much", so it's gonna take a bit of the happiness away, that we'll be constantly on guard, waiting for something to happen (which i hope it doesn't ever again!).


  15. Ohhh, I am so so sorry for your friend. The only positive thing that I can see is that she has YOU, and that means a lot. If I'd had a friend who'd lost a pregnancy when I went through it, I think it would have made a huge difference to me. I hope you can both get some relief and comfort from each other right now.

    I also can't believe how much YOU are dealing with right now. In your last email, I thought, 'how much more is one woman expected to deal with??' Especially with your friend having cancer. And now this. No wonder all seems like doom right now.

    Remember that both you and your friend have very GOOD chances of carrying to term next time pregnant... although that is hard to believe, and I would be a hypocrite to just tell you to go along with the statistics, as I am a total wreck over here myself. Well, actually I HAVE started to believe in this pregnancy a bit, but that makes me even more scared than ever. As I feel less protected than I was back when I just assumed I would miscarry.

    I don't know, it is super super hard, but it's what we have to go through... so anyways. Whatcha gonna do, huh?

  16. Poor M. That's so sad! At the very least, at least you can be there for her bc you've been through the same nightmare. *hugs to both of you*

  17. I hear you....when you have had IF it puts a different perspective on having a baby but when you have had multiple miscarriages on top of things then it makes the reality of what a miracle a child is...I am trying to relax and enjoy my pregnancy as if it was my first but it is def hard sometimes and for me I have a bunch of factors so I feel I wont relax til I have that little baby in my arms...I guess just have to feel blessed each day that I continue to be pregnant:)

  18. I'm so sorry for your friend.

    I don't know what It's like to be blissfully ignorant either. And sadly I never will.

    Best wishes for your RE appointment.

    P.S. I loved your Holly Hobbie story. So cute!

  19. Alex I am so sorry for your friend. Losing a baby no matter when it happens is a tragedy and my heart goes out to her.

    About how people go about feeling secure in their pregnancies.. I don't know if any do. I mean I have never had a miscarriage (thank God) but my mom did (at 5 months) and you did and so many other wonderful women I know did and the thought that something could go wrong crosses my mind at lot. It stopped me from getting Izzy's nursery ready for a long time and the fear of what might be petrifies me at times. I suppose we all have coping mechanisms we learn to use to keep our fears at bay and I am sure that when you will be pregnant again you will learn how to cope with the fear. Sending you a huge hug my sweet friend xxx

  20. You're never safe, it's true. There are periods where you are less safe, and periods where you are more safe but there are zero guarantees, and that is so very hard. I'm so sorry about M.