Monday, July 12, 2010

All Kinds of Things

Be warned - this is a jump-around, all over the board kind of post...

First, thank you so much for you wonderful and helpful comments about Friday’s post. It’s so good to hear that I’m not alone regarding having problems with the hubs, especially in the bedroom… Yes, the hubs and I have a lot to work through. I’ve tried to learn from my previous experiences, and I realize that he’s never going to be the guy to sit down with me and hash through stuff. This one took awhile to get over, but I think we’re good now. I’m proud of myself for finally saying what I needed to. Saturday night after dinner, we were watching TV, and I asked him to pause it. I said the following: “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I think it’s very important for us to talk. Maybe it would help if you understood where I’m coming from. I’m having a crisis of confidence. I feel like my body doesn’t work. We tried to get pregnant, and my body refused. Then by using medical techniques, we essentially forced it to get pregnant. But it didn’t work. My body rejected two babies. Now I don’t feel good about myself, I’ve gained weight, and so I tried to exercise. And then I hurt my ankle and knee, and now I can’t walk without hurting. I don’t feel good sexually, I’m trying to get that part of my life back, and then you rejected me. It hurts more than it would normally when you say no to me. Because of all this, I’m incredibly sensitive, and worried about our relationship. Also, when you say things like I would make a bad mother, I think you are saying stuff out of anger and you don’t mean it, but it really hurts me, in a terrible way. I know you’re probably going through a lot right now too, and trying to figure all this stuff out too, but I don’t know because you won’t talk to me. I hope it helps to understand where I’m coming from.” I paused, and then told him he could watch TV again. He didn’t say a word, and went on watching TV. BUT on Sunday, he was nice. He was sweet to me. We went to friends to watch the soccer game (go Spain!) and he even cuddled on the couch a bit, which is rare for him. And then when we got home, he attacked me and we had sex for the first time since April! And it was good!

So we have a lot to work through. I know this. But I can’t make him do anything – I especially can’t make him talk to me. But I can share my own thoughts, and I think this helps. He acted like a completely different person yesterday than he had in the days before. My therapist thinks that the more I share, the more he will think that it’s ok to share things, and I’m helping to create an environment that where it is safe to share feelings. She also has me reading a book about adult children of alcoholics. His mother is a practicing alcoholic, and I know she drank through much of his childhood. It’s a scary book though. I read through most of it this weekend, and I see myself more in the behavior that it describes than I see him. I definitely had an f’ed up childhood as well. Probably worse than the hubs, when you include all of it, but it’s not a competition or anything. But hopefully through reading it, and talking over what I think about it with my therapist, it will help.

In other news, I’m officially a foster mom – to a puppy. As I mentioned last week, we took in a pup for one night, and it was supposed to go to a no-kill shelter. Yeah, there’s no such thing. Or at least not in Houston. A woman that the hubs works with took the pup to the shelter with the promise that it was a no-kill shelter, and then I found out just as she got to the shelter that they only have a 47% adoption rate – and that’s one of the better rates! So I frantically called this woman, and made sure she asked lots of questions. The shelter said that the pup would be killed within 3 days, and they didn’t even think they would put her as available for adoption, given the number of dogs they had recently received! And so, I made the executive decision that we would figure something else out, and I asked the woman to not drop off the pup at the shelter, and bring her back to me. I found a program that allows you to be a foster home, and will help find a home, so I registered with them, and we’re now officially foster parents!

So if anyone in the Houston area is looking for a pup, here she is. She’s about 5 months old – a shepherd mix, and really sweet and smart. We taught her how to fetch in about 10 minutes. She is crate-trained, and really likes other dogs! But the hubs and I have agreed, we shouldn’t keep her. Three dogs, especially when 2 of them are 120 pounds each, is just too much dog. But it’s been fun keeping her – I wonder how long this will last… In the meantime, it’s a pretty good distraction – I forgot how much work a puppy is!

And this is an awful way to jump around, but I have a ton of stuff going on in my head. I mentioned last week that I had a friend that recently was diagnosed with breast cancer, and another that had a heart attack. The one that had a heart attack is doing much better – she actually came to work today, which is amazing. She looks and feels so much better than she did before her heart attack. She just wasn’t getting appropriate blood flow before they went in there and opened up her veins! So bizarre. The friend with breast cancer received the worst news last week – the biopsy in her vertebrae confirmed that it was breast cancer in her bones – it has metastasized, and so it’s officially Stage 4. Ugh. She still has an amazing spirit. She cancelled our wig appointment on Saturday because she wanted to go to a party – she wants to make sure she spends as much time as she can with all her friends. So we’re supposed to go wig shopping later this week. She has had two chemo treatments, but she still feels great. But the chemo mix changes this week, so there’s a chance she would feel worse after that. I know I just need to be as good friend to her as possible, but it’s so hard staying positive!

As I briefly mentioned above, my running program was going really well, I had made it to 2 ½ weeks through the Couch to 5K program, and I hurt myself. My ankle started hurting 2 weeks ago, and it’s getting worse. I can barely walk now. Also, my right knee hurts too! I’m so pissed that this happened – I was so proud of myself for going out there and doing this running program. I finally broke down today and made an appointment with an orthopedist for Thursday – this just hurts way too bad, and it’s not going away.

Speaking of doctors, I’m going back to the RE on Wednesday, just for a follow-up appointment. I don’t want to start treatments until after our Europe trip in September, but I wanted to see if he had any thoughts about why this happened, and if there are any tests that we could do to decrease my chances of a miscarriage later. I’m afraid he’s just going to say to keep trying, but I want to do SOMETHING!!! So ladies, any thoughts about questions I should ask, or tests to ask to have done, or medications I should take or something?


  1. I am glad things are going so much better with your husband-- I do wish he'd talk to you, but 'baby steps' here... I'm sorry about BOTH of your shitty childhoods, and I have hope that continued work with your husband will allow him to open up to some emotions too. It must be very hard for you both- especially right now.

    As far as the dog, I LOVE her. I wish I could take her, she is so pretty. I can't believe they thought she wouldn't be adopted, as she is obviously absolutely glorious, and I would imagine that she'd be snapped up in an instant.

    I'm also super sorry for your friend. How awful! I am still flabbergasted that she is thinking positively. I would totally be a wreck if I were her!

    AND I hope your ankle and knee recover soon. The same thing always happens to me, too. I can't ever get in shape becuase I am always immediately injured. I have to stick with walking/hiking or swimming... but I don't really like to swim that much. I mean, I like it recreationally, but I don't like being underwater when I am all winded and my heart is pounding.

  2. Alex, I'm glad that things were better with your husband this weekend. I wish that he would open up to you, but I guess all you can do is keep on sharing your feelings and hope that he'll follow suit. It's got to be so frustrating.

    Love the dog, she is adorable. I'm glad that she won't be put down and I hope you find someone to take her soon.

    Hope the knee and ankle get better soon.

  3. I'm so glad that you've bren able to talk and thing are going better with the hubs. I know my dh doesn't knowhow to open up or understand how all of this has made me feel and sometimes I just have to explode and tell him how he's making me feel. He doesn't usually respond to me, but somehow things seem to get better. It's like he has to process it his own way

    I'm glad you're going to chat with the doctor. They may not be able to help, but knowing where to go next and what you might be able to test will make you feel better.

  4. I am so glad that things are better between you and DH and that you were able to tell him how you feel. After over two years of dealing with infertility, my husband is finally opening up to me about things, so I can confirm that hubby not responding is typical male behavior.

    That puppy is SO cute! If I hadn't just adopted a puppy, and if I lived anywhere near Houston, I would take her in a heartbeat.

    I am so sorry about your friend. My mom had breast cancer and I know how emotional that disease can be. I'll keep her in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted on her treatment.

    Best of luck at the doctor on Wednesday. I hope they are able to provide you with some answers and insight.

  5. I just wanted to tell you that every relationship is work. My hubs and I took long years to connect those emotional dots. He's also one to clam up and not respond all the time. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. But, it's a huge deal to actually tell him how you expect to be treated and how you feel. It sounds like he'll get there, too.

    Your pup looks adorable. I would not have been able to give it up either, especially if it was on the kill list! Stressful. I am sending you all good thoughts and hoping that you'll get back on that running again.

  6. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for keeping the puppy. I have 3 dogs myself.
    You may want to try Craig's List to list her available for adoption.
    Hang in there - I am rooting for ya!!

  7. Alex I love the pup!!!So so cute!!

    As for the questions to your RE I would definitely ask if it's possible to do some immuno tests just to make sure you don't have antibodies that attack your embryo. Much love, and I have no doubt you'll get there!!

  8. Wow, Alex, I am so proud of you, not only for telling Hubs how you feel, but for being able to do so in such a calm, clearly well-thought out way! I don't know if I could have done the same.

    My hubby is not much of a talker when things bother him either, and I used to push and push and try to force him to talk to me. I've found out (through lots of trial and error and big fights) that it's better to give him his space and let him come to me on his own time. He WILL open up to me if I give him enough time. It's rarely when I want to talk, but it does happen. For example, he came home Friday clearly in a bad mood. I asked him a couple of times what happened, and he kept saying nothing, and he didn't want to talk about it. So, uncharacteristically of me, I stopped asking. I didn't mention it all weekend (although clearly SOMETHING was bugging him). Finally, Sunday night, he started telling me about what had happened at work on Friday that had upset him. By waiting, I got my answer, though on his time schedule instead of mine.

    AS for the rest of it, the puppy is adorable. I hope you find a good home for him soon. I am so sad for your friend -- you are so strong and I am glad you are able to be there for her. Please don't beat yourself up for your injury -- you WERE doing well and you WILL do well again, after you give yourself time to heal. Keep making good food choices, and hopefully the "down time" won't hurt your weight loss efforts too much.

    And, finally, I know this is the longest comment ever, but to the RE: I don't know how much testing he/she will be willing to do at this point. Ectopics vs. miscarriages are different beasts. Had your first loss been in utero, he/she would probably be willing to run immunology testing and an RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) panel. BUT, since there is no telling whether or not the ectopic would have made it in utero, he/she may want to wait until you have another loss (horrific to think about, I know). It's definitely worth asking about, though. I asked mine after my first loss, and he insisted one miscarriage was a fluke and that it didn't warrant the cost of the additional testing. Now that I've had two, though, and since we can't get pregnant without spending over ten grand on IVF, I am going to insist upon it before we cycle again.

    Big hugs to you, and hopes that your appointment goes well.


  9. I'm glad you talked to your husband, even if he didn't talk back, it seems he listened. And that's a great start.
    The pup looks so cute. But your friend's diagnosis sucks, I'm so sorry for her, and amazed at her positive spirit.

  10. Cute pup! Did you try the HSPCA? They claim to not kill animals for space, but they do kill all pit bulls that come in, no matter how adoptable they are. Since that pup isn't a pit, that may be her best chance if you can't foster her for an extended period of time. There are also a couple of rescue groups in the area that are 100% foster ( is one). Maybe you could contact them because being part of that network may help to get the pup adopted out quicker.

    I fostered a couple times. In fact, my third dog was a foster dog, which is why my husband doesn't want me to foster anymore! That, and our third dog doesn't like outside dogs touching his stuff.

    I hope you find a good home soon! I also hope things get better between you and your husband. I'm sure it will with some time.

  11. I think it's great that you were able to say your piece, and what your therapist said about creating an environment in which he can feel more comfortable sharing (even if it takes him a long, long time to do this) makes a lot of sense to me. At the same time, just make sure you look after YOUR heart in all of this (it's a good heart and it deserves good things).

    And that's so wonderful of you to foster the pup!!! She looks adorable. The kill rates just depress the hell out of me - it's awful beyond words and so I well understand why you wanted to get her back again. I bet you anything you'll find a home for her. Just look at those eyes!

  12. What an adorable puppy. Such a cute face, i'm sure she'll make someone really happy.

    I'm proud of you for speaking up to your husband, even though he knows you probably better than anyone, it doesn't mean he automatically knows what you are thinking and why, so I think its great you're opening up to him and I hope it becomes a two way street soon. My husband is also very closed up when it comes to speaking about these things and I find it really difficult at times. Sounds like you are getting back on track though (yay to sex!!) and I hope it continues to get rosier and rosier.

    As for the appt with the RE, great idea. If you are feeling really determined then I would ask for immunological testing. Your RE will probably try to talk you out of it as they only test after X amount of losses (which is crazy if you ask me) but I was so distraught after our 2nd loss that I pleaded to get the extra tests done and when they tried to talk me out of it I went for the guilt trip and said hysterically that I don't find miscarriages enjoyable and I didnt want to experience another one if it was avoidable. They agreed to the testing.... My point is if you ask or plead loud enough you'll get it but you have to be prepared to push for it and if your hearts not in the fight then best to let it go for now and wait till you feel stronger. Good luck, it will be nice to get a plan in place for September anyway. xxx