Be warned - this is a jump-around, all over the board kind of post...
First, thank you so much for you wonderful and helpful comments about Friday’s post. It’s so good to hear that I’m not alone regarding having problems with the hubs, especially in the bedroom… Yes, the hubs and I have a lot to work through. I’ve tried to learn from my previous experiences, and I realize that he’s never going to be the guy to sit down with me and hash through stuff. This one took awhile to get over, but I think we’re good now. I’m proud of myself for finally saying what I needed to. Saturday night after dinner, we were watching TV, and I asked him to pause it. I said the following: “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I think it’s very important for us to talk. Maybe it would help if you understood where I’m coming from. I’m having a crisis of confidence. I feel like my body doesn’t work. We tried to get pregnant, and my body refused. Then by using medical techniques, we essentially forced it to get pregnant. But it didn’t work. My body rejected two babies. Now I don’t feel good about myself, I’ve gained weight, and so I tried to exercise. And then I hurt my ankle and knee, and now I can’t walk without hurting. I don’t feel good sexually, I’m trying to get that part of my life back, and then you rejected me. It hurts more than it would normally when you say no to me. Because of all this, I’m incredibly sensitive, and worried about our relationship. Also, when you say things like I would make a bad mother, I think you are saying stuff out of anger and you don’t mean it, but it really hurts me, in a terrible way. I know you’re probably going through a lot right now too, and trying to figure all this stuff out too, but I don’t know because you won’t talk to me. I hope it helps to understand where I’m coming from.” I paused, and then told him he could watch TV again. He didn’t say a word, and went on watching TV. BUT on Sunday, he was nice. He was sweet to me. We went to friends to watch the soccer game (go Spain!) and he even cuddled on the couch a bit, which is rare for him. And then when we got home, he attacked me and we had sex for the first time since April! And it was good!
So we have a lot to work through. I know this. But I can’t make him do anything – I especially can’t make him talk to me. But I can share my own thoughts, and I think this helps. He acted like a completely different person yesterday than he had in the days before. My therapist thinks that the more I share, the more he will think that it’s ok to share things, and I’m helping to create an environment that where it is safe to share feelings. She also has me reading a book about adult children of alcoholics. His mother is a practicing alcoholic, and I know she drank through much of his childhood. It’s a scary book though. I read through most of it this weekend, and I see myself more in the behavior that it describes than I see him. I definitely had an f’ed up childhood as well. Probably worse than the hubs, when you include all of it, but it’s not a competition or anything. But hopefully through reading it, and talking over what I think about it with my therapist, it will help.
In other news, I’m officially a foster mom – to a puppy. As I mentioned last week, we took in a pup for one night, and it was supposed to go to a no-kill shelter. Yeah, there’s no such thing. Or at least not in Houston. A woman that the hubs works with took the pup to the shelter with the promise that it was a no-kill shelter, and then I found out just as she got to the shelter that they only have a 47% adoption rate – and that’s one of the better rates! So I frantically called this woman, and made sure she asked lots of questions. The shelter said that the pup would be killed within 3 days, and they didn’t even think they would put her as available for adoption, given the number of dogs they had recently received! And so, I made the executive decision that we would figure something else out, and I asked the woman to not drop off the pup at the shelter, and bring her back to me. I found a program that allows you to be a foster home, and will help find a home, so I registered with them, and we’re now officially foster parents!
So if anyone in the Houston area is looking for a pup, here she is. She’s about 5 months old – a shepherd mix, and really sweet and smart. We taught her how to fetch in about 10 minutes. She is crate-trained, and really likes other dogs! But the hubs and I have agreed, we shouldn’t keep her. Three dogs, especially when 2 of them are 120 pounds each, is just too much dog. But it’s been fun keeping her – I wonder how long this will last… In the meantime, it’s a pretty good distraction – I forgot how much work a puppy is!
And this is an awful way to jump around, but I have a ton of stuff going on in my head. I mentioned last week that I had a friend that recently was diagnosed with breast cancer, and another that had a heart attack. The one that had a heart attack is doing much better – she actually came to work today, which is amazing. She looks and feels so much better than she did before her heart attack. She just wasn’t getting appropriate blood flow before they went in there and opened up her veins! So bizarre. The friend with breast cancer received the worst news last week – the biopsy in her vertebrae confirmed that it was breast cancer in her bones – it has metastasized, and so it’s officially Stage 4. Ugh. She still has an amazing spirit. She cancelled our wig appointment on Saturday because she wanted to go to a party – she wants to make sure she spends as much time as she can with all her friends. So we’re supposed to go wig shopping later this week. She has had two chemo treatments, but she still feels great. But the chemo mix changes this week, so there’s a chance she would feel worse after that. I know I just need to be as good friend to her as possible, but it’s so hard staying positive!
As I briefly mentioned above, my running program was going really well, I had made it to 2 ½ weeks through the Couch to 5K program, and I hurt myself. My ankle started hurting 2 weeks ago, and it’s getting worse. I can barely walk now. Also, my right knee hurts too! I’m so pissed that this happened – I was so proud of myself for going out there and doing this running program. I finally broke down today and made an appointment with an orthopedist for Thursday – this just hurts way too bad, and it’s not going away.
Speaking of doctors, I’m going back to the RE on Wednesday, just for a follow-up appointment. I don’t want to start treatments until after our Europe trip in September, but I wanted to see if he had any thoughts about why this happened, and if there are any tests that we could do to decrease my chances of a miscarriage later. I’m afraid he’s just going to say to keep trying, but I want to do SOMETHING!!! So ladies, any thoughts about questions I should ask, or tests to ask to have done, or medications I should take or something?