Friday, July 9, 2010


First, thanks to all of you who helped me yesterday. I really appreciate your thoughts, and I had decided to throw caution to the wind, just go for it, and jump the hubs.

Yeah, that didn’t work. You know that phrase “He’s just not that into you”? All the signs are there, number one being he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I tried when I got home last night, and he pushed me away, saying maybe later. And then I tried when we went to bed. I actually got a “it’s not you, it’s me” comment! Maybe it is, maybe he doesn’t feel good and blah blah blah. But it’s a bigger issue than just last night. When we first started out, everything was hot and passionate. I remember telling a girlfriend, “Best. Sex. Ever!” And as can be expected, it’s died down over the years. But nothing like it’s been in the last year plus since we started trying. It’s been absolutely terrible. He never initiates, I try to initiate during other times than ovulation time, but it’s during O time that I have been known to resort to begging. So humiliating and embarrassing. And the other thing is since I was essentially begging, it became all about his pleasure, and not really about mine. I’ve been on the receiving end of foreplay maybe 3 times during our married life (since last May), and I’m talking any kind of foreplay! But when we started IUI land, it got better. Sex became less about procreation, and more about pleasure, but still his pleasure more than mine. Granted we did the deed a lot less, but when we did, it was better. So prior to the pregnancy, the last time we had sex was mid-April. After the IUI, I was restricted, and I hadn’t been released from restrictions when I miscarried. I had 2 weeks of restrictions after that, during which time I bled so it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And then we tried to have sex on Saturday. I initiated, did my part of turning him on (bj…) and then we started. I was not turned on, it felt awful, I was so frustrated, I actually started crying in the middle of it and we stopped. I apologized for crying, and said that it might help if we had a little foreplay before – I needed help getting turned on. He mumbled “ok” and went on about his life, but nothing happened since Saturday.

Then fast forward to yesterday. I’ve been feeling super frisky the last couple days, which was then confirmed by gobs of EWCM. I posted on my blog – should I do it? Got some yes answers, and made some plans. Thought about it all day, so by the time I got home, I didn’t even need any foreplay – I was ready! And then I was shot down – twice! This makes me feel like shit. There’s something about being a woman, and feeling rejected, that doesn’t work. I’m friends with some guys at work that talk about sex all the time, and I’ve had other friends the same way. They always talk about how women say no, and one guy at work gets sex on his birthday and their anniversary, and that’s it. I always stay quiet – I think it’s probably inappropriate for me to talk about my sex life with anyone (why I’m coming out to my bloggy friends – I don’t know!) but it makes me think. Am I the only woman who can’t get their husband to sleep with them - ever? I know there have been some bloggy people that have mentioned the same thing, especially while TTC, but the hubs didn’t know I was TTC last night - didn’t even tell him that I thought it was time. All he knew is that I was horny, and he wasn’t interested. Late last night, when I was falling asleep, I was in a really bad place – my body doesn’t work, it can’t make babies AND I can’t even entice my husband to sleep with me. Not feeling very good as a woman.

So then this morning – I woke up feeling like crap, didn’t sleep well at all. And I was awoken by the bark of a puppy. We are watching a puppy that someone that the hubs works with found. The puppy is going to a no-kill shelter today, but nobody could take her until today. So the hubs volunteered us to take care of her for a few days. Keep in mind – the hubs volunteered. Who do you think has taken care of her since we’ve had her? That’s right – me. I’ve fed her, walked her, tried to teach her stuff, came home at lunch to take care of her, scrubbed the carpets when she has messes – she’s not housebroken. And this morning when she started barking at 6:00, I got up with her and stayed up. Two hours later, I’m about to leave for work, the hubs is still in bed, and I didn’t watch her for about 2 minutes while I put on my clothes. Of course she pees on the carpet right next to the bed. All of a sudden I hear him yelling at me about the puppy. About how I’m not watching her, and I let her pee. Stupidly, I start yelling back about how he should clean it up – he should help take care of this dog that he volunteered us for, and he just fights back. I take the dog out, start cleaning the carpet, and he’s yelling. He even said the worst thing he could: “That’s how you’re going to be with a baby. You only want a baby so you can play with it, you won’t take care of it.” I didn’t respond well. I left by saying “Sorry for the bad things I said.” He had no response, and so I left. I feel like shit. I know I said some nasty things – I think the words asshole, jerk and selfish came out of my mouth. But I would never insult him as a potential father – what a low blow.

Please understand this is all coming from an extremely bitter place this morning, and I can’t really believe that I’m sharing this with all of you. I’m sure it will all turn out fine – I’ll swallow my pride and move on. He won’t apologize for anything –why would he? I’ve allowed him to be this way in the past, and I’ll probably allow it in the future. I don’t make him talk about stuff; I couldn’t make him if I tried. He absolutely refuses to go to a therapist. I’ve known for a long time that he’s incredibly selfish, and this is just who he is. I made the choice to be with him. He has a lot of great qualities – granted, it’s hard for me to focus on that right now… The only thing I can have any control over is my reaction. And so I need to let it go, stop being angry, and just move on. I know the things he says are in anger, and he doesn’t really mean them. Or at least I hope that’s true. No, it’s true. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m sure everything will work out just fine. Assuming of course that one of us breaks our silence today…


  1. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all that. It sucks.

  2. Sounds like a horrible morning. I'm sure your husband is sorry for what he said.

    Guys sometimes dont express their emotions very well. My husband seems less interested lately as well. I know he's struggling because he feels like our infertility is all his fault.

    I bet your husband is still grieving the loss of the baby. He might not be ready to try yet.

  3. ugh alex. sometime's guys say the stupidest things they don't mean, bc their stress manifests in not-so-productive ways. this whole ttc thing is no doubt stresing out your hubbs, and he's responding by being an idiot. i doubt he meant anything he said to you. i hope he comes home and apologizes tonight. you're gonna be a great mom. you have a great big heart, and don't take to heart anything said in the heat of the moment. *hugs*.

  4. Like Krystal said, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I will try to hold my tongue about your hubs because I know that it doesn't help for someone else to be insulting. My DH can be a total crapper sometimes. When we fight, he cuts to the very core of me. Last Father's Day, his ex-wife was a B, messed up the day with him and his daughter, so he took it out on me. He ended up saying, "If you're not pregnant now, we're never having a kid. I won't have a kid with you." WTF? Where did that come from?

    I am learning that most of our meanest arguments.... (he is getting better... he has begun to realize that he goes off the deep end on the few - twice a year - times we fight and says hurtful things that I don't get over and he can't take back)... that he says things he certainly doesn't mean and that the fights are more about his issues.

    Make this day about you. Be prideful, for a little while.

    For the sex part, I have no idea. I am learning that we are rarely happy either way it goes. I never hear someone perfectly satisfied. Some gripe because DH is uninterested. I gripe because DH attempts daily, regardless of how many times he gets shot down. I suppose it's a fine line, but I do hope it gets better.

    Sending you a hug today!

  5. Oh, honey. I've SO been there. Please don't feel like its just you!!!! On all fronts, I have been there, done that. I think that TTC puts a lot of pressure on the husbands, who always think its their fault somehow. Its a masculinity thing. I know that when we are "trying" my husband is a LOT less interested than when we're not. And our first time after we were FINALLY released after the miscarriage? Not the best experience either. It's just something we have to work through, I think. It WILL get better, I believe that.

    As for the fight -- both Mo and I have said things in the heat of the moment that we didn't mean. Even really low blows like you mention above. Please don't feel embarrassed for venting here -- this is your space to work out your feelings. You can always remove it later if you wish.

    I could go into way more detail about exactly how much I identify with what you've written here, but my comment is already too long! Feel free to email me anytime, though -- mojoworking I can commiserate on so many levels. If you don't believe me, check out some of my archived posts -- things were very rocky in the MoJo household for a long time before they got better.

    Hugs for you, and lots of hope that things blow over and soon improve.


  6. I'm SO fricking sorry that you have to deal with this, especially now in what is a difficult terrible time anyway. TTC - especially when there are bumps - brings out some bad, bad stuff. I don't think anyone gets to stay unscathed. It's like putting a relationship in a blender. And you're never sure what's going to come out.

    I'm of two minds. On one hand I want to tell you that this is a typically male stupid response, that no way is he upset about the things he says he's upset about (puppy) just that the stuff he's upset about is manifesting itself this way. On the other hand, it's not fair to you. You shouldn't have to put up with it. It's bloody selfish of him and he needs to shape up. But that is probably entirely unhelpful.

    As for the sex part, I think everyone goes through this at one point or another. The more months that go by, the less "fun" it becomes. So that, sometimes, it's just pure drudgery. And I think it is the rare woman here in IF land who has not been rejected on occasion. We are so aware that the monthly window is a short one. But our husbands and partners may sometimes feel like sperm-producing machines. But it is SO disappointing when it happens. Hugs to you.

  7. This is one of those things that no one talks about but i think its more common than people realize for a married man to have a low sex drive and turn down opportunities. With my husband, I think it's stress related-- he's in a high stress job, that combined with our low sex drives, and years of frustrating TTC makes sex often seem less than desirable. I'd rather him have a low sex drive than a high sex drive though b/c I just couldn't do it several times a week like some couples. So just know that you aren't the only one out there that is dealing with a reluctant TTC partner.

  8. You are not alone in this mess. I think my DH and I have had our share of crickets in the bedroom initiated by his absence. From my experiences, it has been due to his emotional withdrawal for whatever reason.

    And DH has said some pretty stupid shit to me before, and after several fights about "words," I have told him that the next time he chooses to be a verbal cock, I'd seriously reconsider our life together. Words are like eggs; once you crack it open, there's no putting it back.

  9. I hope you guys make up and you feel better soon. I feel like I envy women whose husbands always want to have sex. Mine used to be like that but TTC really did take a toll on him. I think it's hard for men when sex becomes an ends to a means rather than for pleasure. Hang in there- somtimes a good fight clears the air from building tension. Hoping for a happy make up session tonight for you!

  10. Oh no. I am so sorry. Those words are incredibly hurtful. But like you and other stated, I am sure he didn't mean it. Men are weird. I'm positive they don't have the same filter women do in these types of situations (or in ones where they are drinking alcohol). Sex for pleasure or even for conception is tough on a marriage with infertility. We've gone through our fair share of dry spell s in the bedroom. I hope you two can sort things out soon--with make-up sex included, of course.

  11. Don't worry things will be better in the boinking department soon! Right after my miscarriage we couldn't get our signals matched. I had a bad case of the weepies. The last time we had knocked the boots it was making a baby! It's tough.

    Hugs)))))))))) Things will trun around sooon! :)

  12. I am so sorry you got rejected, I have been there myself. It's really tough on a relationship when the couple isn't communicating on an intimate level. I know that when McRuger and I don't have sex for a while, we end up really cranky and frustrated with each other. I hope you guys work it out soon!

    We're all here supporting you and hoping for the best!!!

  13. You are not alone on the male sex drive. Has your
    hubby had his testosterone level checked? Mine's was low. Explained a lot. Good luck.

  14. omg, did you steal my husband? You can keep him if you did. We have almost always had a mis matched schedule, he wants to get frisky, and I want to sleep, and vice versa. I have felt rejected before plenty of times and the sad thing is that he just doesn't get it. Men are sooooo obtuse. maybe you should let the puppy pee on him to make a point! And I wouldn't let it go, make him confront his mistakes, you can teach an old dog new tricks!

  15. I second the suggestion to get his testosterone checked out. Low testosterone leads to irritability as well as low sex drive.

    As I read this post, I was thinking that this situation is either one of two things-- most likely, it is that your husband is not dealing particularly well with the IF and the losses, and this is what is coming out... although it sucks that he is making himself an extra burden on YOU (and totally not fair), it may be a legitimate reaction to this shitty situation that he can't control... meaning that things will get better once things move along baby-wise. The other possibility is that he really is just bad at being in a relationship, particularly when things are rough. I guess that's a larger problem, but either way, it isn't something you need to think about too much right now. I am sorry things are going so poorly right now, but I promise things will resolve themselves one way or the other... they can't just go on like this.

    As you have read on my blog, one of our biggest fights happened because E turned me down during my fertile window, this last time. When we did ultimately get a chance to talk about it, it turned out that he was afraid to get me pregnant, because he was so scared during the ectopic. Now, I have no clue why he couldn't have just said so at the time!! But that is just one of those things where men fail to communicate well... also, I think a horny woman who is ovulating is basically a she-devil, and I also feel bad for how mad I got-- when I wouldn't be too perturbed to occasionally get turned down otherwise. You know?

    Anyways, maybe you should also talk to his doctor? And get a surreptitious testosterone test ordered behind his back? :) As I am sure most men would not agree to this!!

    I hope things turn around for you guys-- it really is just a shitty situation, and bound to bring out the worst from time to time.

  16. Hey girl hold your head up....Its to bad the hubs wont see a therapist with you...that kind of tells you its him not you....with this last IVF cycle we started seeing the infertility counselor at our office and it did amazing things for our marriage....believe it or not I was the stubborn one who didnt want to go and my hubs was the one who said he wouldnt do IVF unless we did go because he felt we needed a better handle....ways to with the stress...yet still find time for life outside of fertility....I will admit we to have had our issues with sex life this past year....when were prego we cant when I miscarry we cant after d&e's we cant....and my hubs is super over active...too much for for him long bouts like this kill him....Anyway hang in there its just one of those rough patches:)

  17. Oh, Alex...this royally fucking sucks. I'm so sorry that you're having to manage this kind of confusion and chaos right now.

    Ah, sex... It is the best of times, it is the worst of times! I'm just another blogger to tell you that you're not alone in this issue. Seriously? I think we've ALL been there in some fashion. For us, we have to talk about it. It's usually a difficult talk filled with the hubs not making any eye contact with me, and me crying, but we get through it and come out okay on the other side. I'm hoping the same for you...

    Your hubs' comment about your parenting ability was an especially cruel thing to say, and even if it is something that he uttered in a moment of stress, it doesn't take the sting out of it. It was a terrible, heartbreaker of a comment, totally out of bounds.

    Your feelings are so valid--remember that. If he continues to reject the idea of therapy, that doesn't mean that you can't go, right? At least there you have an outlet, an objective party, and an opportunity to focus on your own needs and wants...

    Part of me wants to say that I hope this all blows over, but I do think that it's going to be important that you two have a discussion about how you're both feeling right now. 'Cause if it just "blows over" and neither of you acknowledge the undercurrent of it's likely to just creep back up again.

    Sending a big, warm hug and hoping that you find some peace in this craziness...


  18. A horrible morning, but more horrible was the preceding night.

    There is something not quite right and I think you and hubs should talk about it. Why won't the man with whom you had the best sex ever not want to have sex with you anymore? Why is he so switched off? The TTC does take its toll on relationships. But he has no right to put you down like this.

    That pup was your hubby's responsibility. His verbal tirade was uncalled for. There is something definitely not smelling right!

    Hope things get better soon!

  19. Oh sweetie it sounds like you had one tough couple of days.. I am sorry things are tense between you and your DH. Perhaps talking it out between the two of you would help. I remember when D and I were TTC and we were fighting all the time and our sex life went from being good to a schedule set of events. Things only got better after one massive argument whilst on a holiday.. we got it all out and we started feeling closer from then on. You guys have been through so much in the last couple of months and perhaps some time away from your routine where it can just be the two of you might help. It might give you the chance to talk things out..and maybe bring you closer.

    thinking of you and I am confident that you will make a GREAT mom xx

  20. Gosh, I have been away from my computer and have not been able to read. I had been thinking about you the whole time and hoping that you were doing well. I have read this post and your older posts from the last few weeks. I am so sorry about all your going through, so much to take in. Perhaps DH just needs a bit more time to deal with everything? sometimes people show emotional stress in different, more "hidden" ways. I dunno, this $%^% is so hard, SO HARD! I really wish I knew why he acted that way, but just so you know, when baby is here, you will be a great mom!

  21. Thanks so much for sharing this. I know how hard this can be to talk about and it's not a subject which comes up much on my blog, but we've been there too. Just hang in there and keep being open about your feelings. Unfortunately I am a bit slow off the mark so a lot of things I could have said have been already! But know that you are in my thoughts and I hope this gets better soon. I'm sorry he said something so hurtful. You are going to be a wonderful mum one day!

  22. Oh Alex, I'm so sorry. Both the rejection and his comments are so hurtful.
    Sex while ttc seems to be bound for disaster sometimes -- you want intimacy, want to be close to your partner, want to enjoy something when other parts of your life are failing miserably, and at the same time you want to get pregnant already, so there's lots of expectations around, especially when O is approaching. I've been there, too. And talking about this is difficult, I guess partly because of all those expectations. I hope you guys can work this out.