Ugh

First, thanks to all of you who helped me yesterday. I really appreciate your thoughts, and I had decided to throw caution to the wind, just go for it, and jump the hubs.

Yeah, that didn’t work. You know that phrase “He’s just not that into you”? All the signs are there, number one being he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I tried when I got home last night, and he pushed me away, saying maybe later. And then I tried when we went to bed. I actually got a “it’s not you, it’s me” comment! Maybe it is, maybe he doesn’t feel good and blah blah blah. But it’s a bigger issue than just last night. When we first started out, everything was hot and passionate. I remember telling a girlfriend, “Best. Sex. Ever!” And as can be expected, it’s died down over the years. But nothing like it’s been in the last year plus since we started trying. It’s been absolutely terrible. He never initiates, I try to initiate during other times than ovulation time, but it’s during O time that I have been known to resort to begging. So humiliating and embarrassing. And the other thing is since I was essentially begging, it became all about his pleasure, and not really about mine. I’ve been on the receiving end of foreplay maybe 3 times during our married life (since last May), and I’m talking any kind of foreplay! But when we started IUI land, it got better. Sex became less about procreation, and more about pleasure, but still his pleasure more than mine. Granted we did the deed a lot less, but when we did, it was better. So prior to the pregnancy, the last time we had sex was mid-April. After the IUI, I was restricted, and I hadn’t been released from restrictions when I miscarried. I had 2 weeks of restrictions after that, during which time I bled so it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And then we tried to have sex on Saturday. I initiated, did my part of turning him on (bj…) and then we started. I was not turned on, it felt awful, I was so frustrated, I actually started crying in the middle of it and we stopped. I apologized for crying, and said that it might help if we had a little foreplay before – I needed help getting turned on. He mumbled “ok” and went on about his life, but nothing happened since Saturday.

Then fast forward to yesterday. I’ve been feeling super frisky the last couple days, which was then confirmed by gobs of EWCM. I posted on my blog – should I do it? Got some yes answers, and made some plans. Thought about it all day, so by the time I got home, I didn’t even need any foreplay – I was ready! And then I was shot down – twice! This makes me feel like shit. There’s something about being a woman, and feeling rejected, that doesn’t work. I’m friends with some guys at work that talk about sex all the time, and I’ve had other friends the same way. They always talk about how women say no, and one guy at work gets sex on his birthday and their anniversary, and that’s it. I always stay quiet – I think it’s probably inappropriate for me to talk about my sex life with anyone (why I’m coming out to my bloggy friends – I don’t know!) but it makes me think. Am I the only woman who can’t get their husband to sleep with them - ever? I know there have been some bloggy people that have mentioned the same thing, especially while TTC, but the hubs didn’t know I was TTC last night - didn’t even tell him that I thought it was time. All he knew is that I was horny, and he wasn’t interested. Late last night, when I was falling asleep, I was in a really bad place – my body doesn’t work, it can’t make babies AND I can’t even entice my husband to sleep with me. Not feeling very good as a woman.

So then this morning – I woke up feeling like crap, didn’t sleep well at all. And I was awoken by the bark of a puppy. We are watching a puppy that someone that the hubs works with found. The puppy is going to a no-kill shelter today, but nobody could take her until today. So the hubs volunteered us to take care of her for a few days. Keep in mind – the hubs volunteered. Who do you think has taken care of her since we’ve had her? That’s right – me. I’ve fed her, walked her, tried to teach her stuff, came home at lunch to take care of her, scrubbed the carpets when she has messes – she’s not housebroken. And this morning when she started barking at 6:00, I got up with her and stayed up. Two hours later, I’m about to leave for work, the hubs is still in bed, and I didn’t watch her for about 2 minutes while I put on my clothes. Of course she pees on the carpet right next to the bed. All of a sudden I hear him yelling at me about the puppy. About how I’m not watching her, and I let her pee. Stupidly, I start yelling back about how he should clean it up – he should help take care of this dog that he volunteered us for, and he just fights back. I take the dog out, start cleaning the carpet, and he’s yelling. He even said the worst thing he could: “That’s how you’re going to be with a baby. You only want a baby so you can play with it, you won’t take care of it.” I didn’t respond well. I left by saying “Sorry for the bad things I said.” He had no response, and so I left. I feel like shit. I know I said some nasty things – I think the words asshole, jerk and selfish came out of my mouth. But I would never insult him as a potential father – what a low blow.

Please understand this is all coming from an extremely bitter place this morning, and I can’t really believe that I’m sharing this with all of you. I’m sure it will all turn out fine – I’ll swallow my pride and move on. He won’t apologize for anything –why would he? I’ve allowed him to be this way in the past, and I’ll probably allow it in the future. I don’t make him talk about stuff; I couldn’t make him if I tried. He absolutely refuses to go to a therapist. I’ve known for a long time that he’s incredibly selfish, and this is just who he is. I made the choice to be with him. He has a lot of great qualities – granted, it’s hard for me to focus on that right now… The only thing I can have any control over is my reaction. And so I need to let it go, stop being angry, and just move on. I know the things he says are in anger, and he doesn’t really mean them. Or at least I hope that’s true. No, it’s true. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m sure everything will work out just fine. Assuming of course that one of us breaks our silence today…