It’s been awhile since my last post. I just haven’t felt like blogging much. I’ve been trying to get some semblance of a life back, and trying to keep my infertile life in perspective.
Today I finally cancelled my doctor’s appointment that was scheduled for tomorrow. It was supposed to be my 12 week checkup, with an NT scan and everything. I was going to be 12 weeks on Friday. I kept looking at this appointment on my calendar, and couldn’t pick up the phone to cancel it. I kind of wanted the reminder. My baby was going to be 12 weeks old this week…
I’ve had some horrible events that have certainly given me some perspective. One of our friends was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. She went in for a routine mammogram, and they found a 5 cm tumor. It wasn’t in her lymph nodes, or blood, but they found a spot of cancer on her vertebrae. Once they found that, it went from Stage 2 to Stage 4. They did a biopsy of her bone last Friday, and we’re waiting to hear the results. We’re hoping for bone cancer and not breast cancer in her bone, but it’s a small chance that it’s bone cancer. Hopefully she just happened to get bone cancer at the same time as breast cancer, and it’s not breast cancer that has spread to her bone. Because if it has metastasized, then it’s Stage 4. The chance of living 5 years after being diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer is only 20%. She just started doing chemo, and then the plan before they found cancer in her bone was to do a double mastectomy, but the doctor is now saying that it’s not worth it to remove the tumor. She’s fighting to do it, but it depends on how the chemo goes as to whether she will do surgery. Heartbreaking.
And I just found out this morning that one of my friends had a heart attack over the weekend. She’s fine now, but she went in the hospital Saturday morning after having chest and arm pains for a couple days. The entire bottom part of her heart was blocked. She had to have surgery on Saturday and they inserted some stints. So incredibly scary. And they’re thinking of releasing her from the hospital today! I really hope she stays in there for another day or two. I’ll go see her tonight – whether it’s at her home or the hospital.
So what I’ve learned from all this is it could be worse. I’m healthy and relatively happy (depends on the day…) and I have some really good things in my life. I need to be more grateful, and celebrate the good things. I’m trying to be happier, as I firmly believe that we can control our own happiness. I’m so inspired by my friend with breast cancer – she’s the most positive person I know. She has said that she could choose to sit in a corner at home and be sad for herself, or she could try to make the most of the time she has left. I called her today to see how she’s doing, and she asked me to go shopping for a wig with her this weekend. I need to make sure to stay positive for her, and try to make it fun. Because a big part of me wants to sit in a corner and be sad for her!
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Somehow when things seem like they are at thier worst, perspective shows up. I really hope your friends are ok.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your friends. I will keep them both, and you, in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for what your friends are going through. I hope everything turns out ok.
ReplyDeleteI can sympathize about the appointment. I made my DH cancel my appointments and I never erased them from the calendar. My computer still beeped to remind me about them. I just couldn't let it go.
Sending lots of hugs your way. You're doing an amazing job and it's so inspiring that you are able to be there for your friends in the midst of your own sadness. Sometimes it is hard to maintain perspective, especially when other people around you don't recognize what you are going through. Thinking of you lots and lots.
ReplyDeleteJo
Sorry to read about your friends! That's all so terrible! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteAwe, Alex. I am so sorry about your friends. Thank you for your comment about the asthma meds. I had actually remembered reading your post a few weeks ago so I asked my Doctor about the pulmicort but they thought that taking my rescue inhaler a couple/few times a week is better than taking that everyday which really surprised me. I am still hesitating to use it but my Doctors all assure me it's okay.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to tell you that I think about you all the time and I haven't known what to say given the situation but my heart goes out to you and your husband. It isn't fair. I just keep hoping that you and your hubby have something special in store for you. Please don't give up.
I am so sorry to hear about your friends as well. This is a great post, because it does help to put things in perspective. There are so many incredibly scary and sad things happening everyday, we all need to appreciate the good days that we do have. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a lot you are coping with, at once! I definitely admire the attitude of your friend with cancer. I would not be that positive at all! I would totally be sitting in a corner and crying. I am sure she'll go through some of that, too... but maybe it hasn't all really sunk in yet? As I can't imagine not going through any depression based on such a grim diagnosis. I also recently found out that an old college friend of mine had a double mastectomy last week-- I can't believe we are at this age already, where people are starting to break down health-wise... so yes, we should be grateful we have that. But infertility/repeat loss is pretty bad, too. Don't minimize the horrible shit you've been through recently-- you've been incredibly strong, too!
ReplyDeleteYou're right - things could be so much worse. It's hard to keep that in perspective sometimes. I'm really sorry about both friends. Wig shopping sounds like it might both be fun and terribly difficult.
ReplyDeleteI'm also sorry that you even needed to cancel that doctor's appointment. I often think of alternate realities in which another me gets to keep all of those appointments. Sigh.
Hang in there lovely lady. Keeping your friends in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou're right - things could be so much worse. It's hard to step back and think like that sometimes.
ReplyDeleteCancelling that appointment must have been so hard. Thinking of you, Alex.
(((hugs))
ReplyDeleteAlex I am so sorry to hear about your friends, when you get news like that it give you a lot of prospective on where you are and how you are doing. I pray your friend's canceer is not stage 4 as they fear. She does sound like she has the spirit and determination to fight this head on.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, I can only imagine how hard it must have been to have to cancel your appointment. Sending you a massive hug my friend. xxx
Hey Alex,
ReplyDeleteThis is really sad news about both of your friends. I'm glad that they have you there to support them, though, because I know you will be a wonderful help to them. I understand how difficult it must have been to cancel the 12 weeks appt. Would love to give you a real hug, but here's a virtual one anyway! (((HUGS)))
i'm sooo sorry for both your friends, alex. this is a lot to be experiencing, when you're also trying to mourn. i've been thinking of you and hope you're doing okay :o) big big *hugs*!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your friends, Alex. That's terrible. Hope the wig shopping turns out to be more fun than tough, and that perhaps both of you find a shoulder to lean on when needed. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteAlso, if your friend likes blogs, send her to Susan at toddlerplanet.wordpress.com, a young woman and mother that now has had 3 cancers in 3 years.
Today one of my 3rd year undergrad students came talking to me to see if she coudl take a year off and finish her degree a year later. She has been diagnosed with a melanoma which has reached her limphnodes. She's having surgery tomorrow. I guess she may be 21 at the most. You are right, things can be worse, and that thought helped me immensely when going through my losses. It takes a while before you can feel that thought as yours and not just like something people say to make you feel better, but when it happens it's like a fresh breath and you are grateful for what you have.
ReplyDeleteMuch love and all the very best for your friends, Fran
I am so sorry to hear about your friends, and yes perspective is important. I think it's amazing your friend is able to be so positive. But, before our losses knock us down, when we go through our treatments and such, I am sure the same could be said of us. I think women living with infertility are some of the bravest most hopeful people I know. Some pity partying is okay, but it's a delicate balance. I suppose.
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) You are so right though. It could be worse and we have to find a way to keep our chin up. I'm so glad your friend has such a good friend like you to help her. I'm learning I'm not an island and the friends that stick with us through the rough times are such pleasings. Sending lots of love to you and your friend!!
ReplyDelete