First, thanks to everyone for your amazing comments on yesterday’s post. When I let it all hang out, and share things like abandonment issues, and conversations with therapists, and inner feelings, I’m afraid when I hit that “Publish Post” button. I feel so vulnerable, and all of you just take me in, and give me a big fat internet hug! So thank you for that! And why is it sometimes easier to share about cervical mucus than feelings???
This cycle isn’t looking good for TTC, and honestly? I don’t know that I care. Maybe I’m not ready to move on. Maybe the idea of getting pregnant scares the bejeezus out of me. Maybe I’d rather not get pregnant prior to getting the results of the blood tests. Maybe I don’t want to get pregnant prior to going to Europe. And maybe I’d rather spend $3-4K on another IUI than continue to beg my husband for sex…
No, it didn’t go over very well last night either. I tried to initiate, and he said no – how about in the morning. I said that you said that the previous night, and it didn’t happen. He asked why am I pushing so hard? I finally told him “it’s time” (like he didn’t know – he told me a couple weeks ago that he always counts and knows where I am in the cycle!!!) and he complained about it feeling like a job. I would be a little more understanding, except the last time we had sex for procreation purposes was December 2009. Seriously. I didn’t say this, but I did tell him that I was tired of initiating, when he wanted to have sex, let me know. I said it in a nice way – with a “honey” and stuff. He didn’t get mad, he just said ok, but he could tell I was upset. Whatever. Except for the part where it makes me feel as attractive as a log, and the idea that I can’t get my husband to have sex with me makes me feel like less of a woman, and already I feel like I’m not a good woman by not being able to procreate, I really don’t care. I will probably ovulate in the next day or so, and this cycle’s not looking good. But I don’t care.
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I am so sorry that this cycle did not work for you. I must tell you that begging for sex thing is very common and has been a power struggle between me and my husband. I think the IUI takes the pressure of both of you, so it may be a good idea for you (aside from the money aspect). Can your husband tell you why he does not want to have sex? Does he know you are in the ovulation window? I guess you can always give it another go tonight, right?
ReplyDeletewishing you the best of luck
Yup, I agree with cgd, it becomes almost like a power struggle. I wish there was a way I could ask for sex at the appropriate time without making it feel like a job for him. Someone told me once it is better to have sex 3 times each and every week so that it never feels like your forcing it at certain times. Honestly though, I can't see that happenin' haha. I'm really sorry this makes you feel bad about yourself, It's like a kick when your already down, but your still an awesome person with a great sense of humor and a whole bunch of followers!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this cycle isn't looking good. And, I do sympathize about the "pressured" sex. It is true that I breathed a sigh of relief when we started doing IUIs because it took that pressure off of both of us. I didn't feel like I was pushing anymore and my DH felt more relaxed. After so long and so much stress with baby making, that may be the best way to go.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not less of a woman, though. I know it feels that way, but I'm sure that isn't what he is thinking. Have you thought about taking him with you to one of your appointments with the therapist at some point? Maybe y'all can talk a little more about how he is making you feel and what's going on with him. And, sometimes that is easier when someone else's leading the discussion.
I'm so sorry:( Maybe this month it's more important to protect your heart (and not get struck down) than to catch that egg. Though I know that it is FRUSTRATING beyond words to miss that egg:(
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I am so hoping that brighter skies are headed your way. (And, I think many, many of us view IUI's with a sort of relief from the once-monthly summoning of the troops).
So sorry that with all the usual IF stress you have the stress of trying to figure out what's going on with your husband. I know there are lots of people (and books) that say that a couple's sex life is one of the biggest things that suffers from IF. So, I don't think you're alone. I don't know if you can get him to talk about it or not, but it really seems like there's something else going on for him. I think I recall that you guys had a break-through talk at some point in the past. I actually took my husband to at least two sessions with my counselor before we got pregnant last time. But, he was pretty open to it given that he has seen a therapist for a long time himself. But it was so good to have someone help me hear his side of the story. It really helped me. And my counselor really helped him hear some of my side. And it made us talk (although we're pretty good at that already) in a way that we hadn't talked before. Anyhow, the idea of getting that to happen I hope doesn't add more stress to your life. Maybe you both do just need a little time - I know our 'we're-going-no-matter-where-we-are-in-a-cycle' vacation in May/June really helped us. (Even the idea ahead of time that we were going no matter what helped.)
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone with the struggle for sex when it is "time," and I really really don't friggin understand why my DH has to be such a prick about it. Dude, the last IUI we had, he was pretty much a non-responder. You know what happened that morning? I put on a porno, got sexy-dressed, and tried to arouse him with some stimulation---he just continued to read the paper in a pissy mood. WTF???? I was so pissed off--I mean, I had been shooting myself with meds for days, getting probed with the vagi-unltrasound, and he couldn't jerk off in a cup?
ReplyDeleteWhy can't we infertiles just have hot sex and make a baby? It pisses me off so much that it brings me to tears sometimes...
Take care of yourself...Big Internet Hug - HERE! :-)
ReplyDeletethis is the only plus about not ovulating. no more of me trying to jump dh when he's not in the mood. even though we don't have s*xy time anymore in the hopes of getting pregnant, i do initiate more than him. but sometimes, i get sick of it, so i just pretend that i'm not in the mood for days straight and then all of a sudden, he'll be like "wait a minute ...". is it possible that if you back off a little bit (i know - MUCH easier said than done, esp when you KNOW you're about to ovulate), that he'll start to initiate more? this just plain sucks.
ReplyDeletethinking of you. here's a big *hug*. xoxo.
definitely been in your position too many months to count. TTC'ing is just awful at times
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Alex. Men are strange and delicate creatures, what can I say. It's like trying to coax a rare orchid to flower sometimes... isn't it?
ReplyDeleteSomething about baby making is just a real turn off for most men-- after a while. I don't know whether they feel less virile when they try but fail to produce a baby, or what.
And/Or, as in the case with E, a reluctance to impregnate someone he loves, who might then as a consequence be risking death due to an ectopic pregnancy. It was good to get that explanation out of him, and maybe you can work your husband for the real deal behind his reluctance around ovulation.
I'm sorry that you're having a hard time getting your hubby to do the deed. It happens all the time in TTC when s.e.x. becomes work and not play. It's hard. :( Damn that IF biotch! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry about this. I know from experience it hurts and sucks so I do feel for you. Any way you can just walk around the house naked and just kinda make him get in the mood? It's worked before for me to just playfully "force" it...not force it but make it where he can't say no. It's not you though, it happenes probably with every couple going through IF at some point or another. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that the whole s.e.x. stuff with DH is difficult. It sucks when that happens. Sounds like waiting to see what the tests have to say may be the best choice. More information can be a good thing. I hope you have a great day!!!
ReplyDeleteThis post brings me back to those days when I had to beg and plead with D in order to have sex because it was that time of the month. It can be so difficult and it does feel like a task rather than what it is supposed to be. When we found out we needed IVF and we stopped trying naturally the routine went out of the way and we were able to relax more about it and we got our grove back on. I know it's hard sweetie...hang in there!
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, your husband is sending you a very clear message when he will not have sex with when he knows you are ovulating.
ReplyDeleteEither he does not want to have children with you or he is a sadistic, manipulative jerk who is clearly screwing with your head.
Your relationship sounds like it is one big mess.
Work on that before you have a baby.
The way things stand now, you are setting yourself up for disaster.
I feel for you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I think anyone who's TTC for a long time goes through this.... Hope it gets better soon!
ReplyDelete