Meltdown at Work

Things were going so well. Was feeling so good. I’ve been so proud of myself for holding my jealousy in, not showing it to people, not letting it affect me too much. And then today…

I have a friend that I work with named A, and she’s been a really good friend to me. Still is. Two years ago she discovered she was pregnant. Although she and her boyfriend were planning on getting married at some point, getting pregnant changed things – complete accident. But they got married when she was 4 months along (we shopped for wedding dresses together), had the baby 5 months later, and they’re very happy. She’s been an amazing friend with the infertility thing – she knows everything that goes on, she covers for me at work, she’s been great. She’s the one who held my hand and cried with me at the doctor’s office when I went to get a second opinion when my RE had told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. She’s the one who went to the hospital with me to pre-register for the D&C, and she would have gone to the D&C if my hubs wasn’t able to go. She’s been so very good to me.

She’s been talking about when she was going to have her second baby for awhile. She’s adamant that she plans exactly when she has her next baby. I know, fertile people have the craziest ideas… I told her all about temping, and cervical fluid and such. She borrowed, and still has, my Taking Charge of Your Fertility book. I told her about the app I downloaded on my iphone to track my cycles, she downloaded the same one. She has perfect cycles – she’s never late, she always ovulates on the same time, and she’s been using temping and stuff to track when she has to use a condom to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant too early.

On Friday, she told me she was having IPS – imaginary pregnancy symptoms. I had told her once about them, how our minds can convince us we’re pregnant. She said on Friday that she was late – by one day. I asked her about her cycles and tracking and sex, and she said that one day this month she cut it a little close – she had unprotected sex one time three days before ovulation. I thought about her all weekend, willing her to get her period. I asked her this morning, point blank, if she got it yet. Of course, no she didn’t get her period.

I held it together, I let her talk about it. She hasn’t tested yet, she wants to wait until later this week. I assured her that by 4 days late (today) that a HPT would be pretty darn accurate. She said she’s in denial – she didn’t want to get pregnant this early, she wanted to wait a few more months. She said she doesn’t want to tell anyone until 12 weeks. She said she screwed up by telling me on Friday about her IPS – she didn’t want to tell me this early. At one point a few months ago, she and I talked about how she should tell me she was pregnant the next time. We didn’t really agree on anything, but when she was going to start trying, we were supposed to talk about how to be sensitive to me – she’s amazing. We never had that talk. I was fine today, until she said, “It’s ok, you can be mad at me.” I said, “I’m not mad, I’m just jealous.” And then I burst into tears, and asked her to please leave my office.

I tried to get it together, wiped away the tears, went to a short meeting. And then I sent an email to the hubs telling him that A was pregnant. I told him last night about the possibility. He responded, “sorry baby.” And then I officially lost it. Practically ran to the bathroom, and sobbed in a stall for about 30 minutes – haven’t done that in awhile. This just sucks so much! I don’t understand why some people can be so freaking fertile, and others struggle so much! It just isn’t fair. And the worst part about it is that infertility has made me a bad friend. She has been nothing but good to me, and she tells me about something wonderful, and I cry! How self-absorbed can I be?

After I got back in my office, I sent her an email (can’t trust myself to talk – will likely start crying): “Sorry for my bad reaction. I really am very happy for you. I’m sorry for making it about me. I’ll be better. This is very exciting!” And proving what an awesome person she is, she responded, “I understand… I’m sorry the conversation had to happen right then… I f’d things up on Friday… wasn’t thinking… Lol, you don’t have to be better! Thank you for apologizing, but you totally could have let this one slide. I understand 100%. Thank you for being a great friend.”

Which of course made me cry more. I keep tearing up – I’m at work, have so much to get done before my vacation, and I cannot get my shit together! This sucks, it just completely sucks.