Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Thank you to everyone for your nice comments. It’s so good to know that everyone out there has had these experiences with friends announcing pregnancies. Yes, I did beat myself up for being a bad friend, and for being jealous. But you have helped me realize that this is all normal. It’s normal to feel like it’s not fair – it isn’t. And I was open and honest with my friend about my feelings, so that is progress.

I spoke with my therapist about it last night – perfect time for a therapy session! She thought that when I was describing how I thought I was being a bad friend, that I sounded very young. She pictured a little girl apologizing to her mother about having feelings. And yes, I used to apologize to my mom (adoptive) about having feelings. She didn’t like it if I got upset. So my therapist thinks it’s very normal for me to cry in front of my friend, and not hide it. And she didn’t think I should have apologized for being a bad friend. Not really sure how I feel about it, but she’s right about being honest – I’m glad that I shared my feelings, and that my friend knows how I feel about her pregnancy. At least she really understands, as much as any fertile person can. My therapist told me I’m supposed to visualize the little girl that I used to be. Think about her apologizing to her adoptive mom for having feelings, think about her being in 18 foster homes prior to being adopted at 4 years old, think of her birth parents leaving her, and her birth family including the aunt and grandmother she lived with at some point leaving her, think of all those things and say nice things to that little girl. Say things like, “it wasn’t your fault” and “you’re very strong.” That little girl is me, and I have such a hard time reconciling this – it feels like a completely different person. I don’t remember any of that time, prior to about age 8 or 9. But she thinks that by visualizing that little girl, saying nice things to her, that I’ll be able to reconcile her with the adult me, or something like that. I still don’t understand most of this therapy stuff, now that we’re in the “deep stuff.”

Oh and by the way, my friend’s pregnancy has been confirmed. Based on my suggestion that when she’s four days late, the home pregnancy test can be VERY effective (why is a fertile taking advice from an infertile? Because we know so much more!!!), she tested. And it was positive. So she’s excited, I gave her a big hug this morning when she told me, and I actually felt very happy for her. Yes, I’m very excited for her. And like Leslie said, maybe I can be her prego buddy real soon…


  1. Oh my gosh, it makes me so sad that children have to go through things like that. I want to hug you! No wonder feeling your feelings can be such a struggle.

    It is funny (is funny the right word?) that you know more about getting pregnant that your hyper fertile friend. Sigh.

    I hope things go great with your friend, and don't feel guilty if you need to take a break from her every now and again! I sure do hope you two get to be pregnant together!

  2. I also think it's funny that fertiles know nothing about getting pregnant. Lucky! But no, this has all been really interesting, even if incredibly painful at times. And yes, I think you are on a good path to being pregnancy buddies. Let's see: 2 out of 2 IUI's worked. You now are armed with treatments against miscarriage. Bingo!

    I also think it's interesting that you don't remember earlier than 8 or 9. E, too, had a rough start-- his mom was in a bad place when he was born, and lived with various alcoholic dudes with him until his grandma took him in at the age of 6 or 7-- that's when his happiness begins, and when his memory starts. I can remember as early as 2 or so, and I am sure it is because nothing was really traumatic in my early years (my first memory is of something I perceived as traumatic-- my first subway ride!). I guess it's good to block out all that early awful trauma, but maybe it would be nice to reconnect with it, too-- you ARE very strong and brave! The little-girl you and the grown-up you.

  3. I'm voting for THAT scenario: that you will be joining her soon, and that all the rest of it is moot.

    I think that sounds like sound advice from your therapist, but I imagine that it is probably tough and strange to contemplate such things. To see yourself from OUTSIDE yourself. And, as you say, you have a hard time seeing that little girl to begin with. It must be difficult stuff and I am sending you a big hug for navigating it.

  4. Wow Alex, you went through so much as a child. I'm glad you have your therapist to help you through everything. Sorry I didn't comment on the previous post but really happy you are feeling better about your friend's announcement. I totally agree with Leslie!!

  5. I have almost zero memories prior to the age of 12. My mother is convinced that something traumatic must have happened to me and has wanted me to get therapy for it. I say if it's that traumatic...I don't want to know! So you aren't the only one without early childhood memories. And perhaps that's for the best?

    You never need to apologise for having feelings. Your friend sounds just lovely though, and I'm so glad she understands. It is totally normal to feel resentful, jealous and a little bitter about her 'easy' pregnancy. I think it would be more concerning if you DIDN'T have those feelings! Just be gentle on yourself.
    Lots of love to you xxx

  6. My best advice is what I always try to tell myself...I feel broken a lot. It's this: give yourself permission to just be in the moment, to be who you athentically are and never say sorry for being a strong, caring, beautiful woman! You are deserving...don't forget that! Take care of yourself. I hope therapy continues to go well. I'm thinking of you!

  7. It's okay to have your unhappiness overwhelm any sense of happiness for her. And it sounds like you've got such a good start here. I read your post with such terror about my own boss doing this to me in the near future.

    You are strong, and I can totally visualize you both groaning in the break room about your big bellies. :)

    Shoot, Alex. My thoughts are with you and want you to know that it is unfair and that it's really going to be okay even if it feels like it won't right now. it's too soon after your loss to try to conjure up joy for a friend, so be good to yourself.

  8. Wow. What a tough time to have gone through and have to figure out how to deal with. I hope so much that you can figure out a way to reconcile all of it.

    And, seriously, I'm convinced that the more you know about the science of getting pregnant the less likely you are to get pregnant. I'm not sure which state causes which, but truly the ultra fertiles have NO idea.

  9. I so hope that you join your friend very, very soon. (((hugs)))

  10. Alex, I had no idea your young life was so hard. I am sorry to hear those things. You are a wonderful strong woman who will be the BEST mother.