As much as I was dreading this weekend – the negative test, then staying at home by myself while the hubs went to his family for Christmas Eve, then Christmas morning by myself, and then Christmas evening with the hubs, it all turned out pretty well.
The hubs was great. I think he knew he needed to above and beyond with niceness, and he did. He was nice Friday morning after the negative HPT (I had told him exactly what to say if the test was negative – he’s pretty decent with a script), and he went above and beyond with nice comments throughout the weekend. I made it Christmas Eve by myself very well, thanks to my friends who took me out for a drink. I had a lovely martini (just one – what if I was pregnant??? I hate the game of hope…) and then went home, another friend called me knowing I was alone, and then went to bed early. Saturday morning I woke up and just cleaned stuff up around the house, not really having anything to do. The hubs bought the Logitech Revue thing for us, and also bought one for his family, and both have cameras. So he set it up at his parent’s house on Christmas Eve, and they called me on Christmas morning to test to make sure it worked. So we had a little webcast when I was by myself, and I watched everyone having breakfast together. I hated that part. Originally the hubs had offered that they would open presents at his parents and I could watch on a webcast. I told him that sounded like an awful idea – there’s no way I’m sitting by myself and watching him and his family open presents. So he changed the plan.
That afternoon, I picked him up at the airport, and by 5:00 pm, we were back at home and called his family. For the next hour, we watched them open presents via webcast, at least the presents we got them, and they watched us open the presents they got us. I have to admit, it was kind of fun. I was a big scrooge about most of it up until then, but as long as the hubs was with me, it wasn’t too bad. His grandma kept asking, “why are we doing it like this?” One uncle kept asking us if we wanted him to fix us a drink. Everyone thought it was bizarre that we wouldn’t be there for Christmas, especially considering the hubs was there that morning! Whatever – I don’t really care what they think of me. I won’t have to see most of them until next Christmas, and the ones that I will see soon know what’s going on. I just wish that staying home for Christmas was worth it. Now I scrooged up Christmas AND I’m not even pregnant…
After we hung up the webcast, we had our own Christmas, which was really nice. We’ve never done this. In seven years together, we’ve never had a private Christmas, and I really liked it. The hubs completely spoiled me. As always, we agreed on a dollar limit, and as always he went completely over the limit. I was very good throughout the whole Christmas – didn’t cry in front of him – except once. He gave me a little cardboard book for babies – Doggies – a counting and barking book. He has never once bought anything for a baby since we’ve been trying. We have a few things, but I’ve purchased them all. For him to have bought something for a baby… I’m sure he thought I’d be pregnant by Christmas too. This was hard to unwrap.
After unwrapping gifts, I made dinner. And using the word “made” is a stretch. I took out the honey-baked ham (LOVE!) from the refrigerator, and took out a couple frozen sides from the same store and popped those in the oven, and steamed some green beans, and served it all with store-bought rolls. It was fabulous, and took about as much effort as I could bear. And that’s about it. We just chilled out the rest of the weekend, and I had the day off yesterday, which involved going to the doctor for a negative pregnancy test – good times. And now I’m back at work.
I’m so happy to have Christmas over and done with. I had such high hopes that I would be happy and pregnant this Christmas, and I wasn’t. But it was as good as it possibly could have been. I’m proud of the way I handled myself during most of the weekend. I didn’t even have any meltdowns in front of the hubs, and we’ve been getting along great. After receiving the news yesterday and the order to stop the meds, we even had sex for the first time in a LONG time (between the hysteroscopy and restrictions after that to IVF and the restrictions after that – a very long time). I don’t know what we’ll be doing for New Year’s, but I have a feeling it will involve drinks – a lot of drinks. And I’m very happy to start another year – I’m so done with 2010.
Today is beginning my weight loss plan. No real rules, but each week I will pick something to add. This week I’m tracking everything that goes in my mouth. I usually try to do this, and stop very soon. But today, I’m starting and sticking with it! I have the Lose It! app on my iphone, and it’s very easy to use, so I’m doing it today. Not really sticking to a certain amount of calories, but just writing everything down. Plus I find that anytime I do this, I definitely think about it before I put things in my mouth… Babysteps… Usually when I try to lose weight, I go super big, and then crash and burn. So this week, all I’m doing is writing everything down.
I just have to do something that makes me feel better about myself. Because right now, after doing the biggest, most dramatic type of reproductive procedure, and it not working, I’m not feeling very good about myself… I know I’ve tried as hard as I could, and I did everything I could, but I feel like such a failure. My body couldn’t keep two perfect embryos alive. And I can’t help but feel like once again, I’ve failed.