No, I haven’t tested. Not since I told the hubs I wouldn’t – on Monday. I’ve been doing really well – both yesterday and today. Anyone that asked, online or IRL, I would tell them that I won’t find out until next week, but I don’t think it worked. At some point, I started questioning why I’m fine, how am I handling this so well? I’m not upset, I’m not even sad, or anything! I don’t get it!
And then, finally, I sat down and thought about it. And realized that sometime between Monday night and now, I changed my mind. I have hope again. I’m not upset, because I think I’m pregnant. I think this worked – I feel these embryos inside of me, and I’m looking forward to the beta so I can confirm that I’m pregnant.
This is not what I needed – I shouldn’t have hope. I know the stats, and I know the likelihood of getting a negative on 13 days past retrieval and still being pregnant are slim. But there’s hope!!! And stupid, silly me… I’m hoping. And setting myself up for disappointment…again.
I have a plan. I’m going to test on Friday. With a FRER. I told the hubs I was going to do it. I’ll be 17 days past retrieval, and 12 days past transfer. It will be effective, right? And if it’s negative, I’m going to call it. I’m just going to accept whatever it says. And I will be having a drink on Christmas Eve if it’s negative. Not because I really need one, but in my mind, that’s the truest form of accepting it’s negative. I’ll have a caffeinated latte in the morning, and wine in the evening – all my forbidden splurges…
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Hope is such a double-edged sword! Good luck with your test on Friday : )
ReplyDeleteThis cycle SUCKS, Alex!!! A THREE WEEK WAIT? Over CHRISTMAS??? Are they sick bastards over at your RE office or what?
ReplyDeleteI have my fingers crossed hard enough to draw blood that you see 2 lines on Friday. You deserve this so much!
And if not... let the eggnog flow (well, eggnog is sort of gross, so I'd probably be bingeing on cheap red wine and netflix...) But anyways, what a mindfuck. I guess you are probably a firm convert in your testing policy from here on out... I still like to test early under the (below-detection-limit-HCG = a-drink-probably-won't-hurt) equation. But I wouldn't if I had a THREE WEEK WAIT! They could have at least warned you!!
Hope and uncertainty can be such a difficult combination. I think your strategy sounds like a good one. I'm glad to hear that you have a plan for what to do for yourself if you do get a BFN. And I'm glad you're going to test before Christmas--from what you've said, it sounds to me like you really need to have the uncertainty over with by Christmas. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeletei think your plan sounds like a good one. The hope roller coaster is a crazy one!!
ReplyDeleteKeeping everything I can crossed for you.
I agree with Lesley, this is the WORST. Worst. Not knowing if you can have that drink after so long is unfair. I think Friday will be a strong indicator for you. Betas are often lower for folks in IVF, but by Friday, your HCG should be at least 25, which is where the FRER picks up.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the good things that come with hope and none of the bad things. I am sending my warm thoughts for you.
That stinkin' hope just doesn't go away until you see red! Or, if you're like me, even AF doesn't totally dispel the hope--you think you could be that rare woman who gets a period when pregnant. Ha. But, in your case, you do have reason to hope, and so I'm still hoping for you, too.
ReplyDeletegood luck, I so hope you optimism is correct!
ReplyDeleteHope is a little bitch sometimes. i think we all have to hold a little hope (even when what we say or write contradicts that) or we wouldn't even bother with these low probablity cycles. I am crossing my fingers and toes for you. I like your plan and think that it is really reasonable, all things considered. Keep us posted!!!
ReplyDeleteHope is the hardest part of all of this.
ReplyDeleteBut I do "hope" that you won't be drinking on Christmas!
I like your plan... especially the wine part! I hope that whatever the FRER says that you will be at peace with it :) Be strong, very strong chickie!
ReplyDeleteOh my fingers are crossed for you!!! I'm in a similar place with my iui. I have this degree of peace about it. I am just keeping my attention where it should be and to heck with the rest. We test on the 26th...so keep your fingers crossed for me!
ReplyDeletegood plan! sending thoughts and prayers for Friday. xoxo.
ReplyDeleteWOW ..... roller coaster ride indeed. I hope that the sense of ease you have is a wonderful sign. Hope is not a bad thing, but mixed with everything else ... it can be nothing but confusing. I hope you get your BFP on Friday and you can celebrate Christmas with a smile on your face and a secret tucked away in you womb.
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW from #37 and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
Alex...I have everything crossed for you!! I love you girl. Hoping for nothing but the best for you!
ReplyDeleteAh hope...ARGH hope. I totally get it. Sounds like a good plan to me. I've been thinking of you and will be on Friday as well.
ReplyDeleteI truly believe there is no wrong way to go through this, Alex. We just have to get through and the truth of the matter is that there are no certainties (either of the positive OR the negative variety). I think your plan to test on Friday is a sound one. And I think you can take that answer as definite. But fertility boards abound with stories of women who don't test positive until a few days after they're due. It does happen. And this is what I'm hoping for you. (And I'm sorry I'm just catching up with your posts now).
ReplyDeleteI tested at 12dp3dt and got a blaring BFP. I was going to wait until my betas but I was so sure that the IVF didn't work and I really needed a drink. I'm still waiting for that drink.
ReplyDeleteI have a good feeling that Friday will be a great day for you to test! Fingers are crossed!
Hope is hard...no matter how much we try to keep it at bay, it always sneaks up on us. Really hoping to read good news from you on Friday.
ReplyDeleteOh, Alex, please be right. Hope is such a seductress, isn't she? I hate that you have to wait all these extra days, but hope they have given that second line the time it needed to make itself known. Fingers, toes, everything crossed.
ReplyDeleteGirlie I will def be keeping you in my prayers...What a holiday season this has been for you:( I hope you get your xmas miracle!!!
ReplyDeleteHOPE!!!! I, too, am crossing everything I have! I have kept you guys in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to do so! HOPE...it's a beautiful thing!
ReplyDeleteGood luck testing on Friday. And kudos for being patient enough to wait!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, sweetie, and GOOD LUCK. I have everything crossed for a positive test on Friday. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, that will be extremely effective at that point. I know what you mean, hope can be a b*tch even against logic. And I don't think you should give up yet. But I do think you deserve to not have this milked out until next week. I think your plan is sound. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteOh Alex. The waiting is the worst sometimes, especially when it draws on and on. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThis must be such a rolleroster! But hope is a good thing I think. I have everything crossed for you that this will work!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck, I HOPE you're right!! Either way it sounds like a good plan to have in place....
ReplyDeleteUggg I hate the rollercoaster of emotions IF causes!! Hope is hard to have because the let down is always worse, BUT it helps you get to the next day. I HOPE your test brings you peace and love and a baby in the year to come!! xo
ReplyDelete