I Cheated!

I’ve been so good in this pregnancy, watching everything that goes into my mouth. I haven’t had any raw fish (I miss you sushi!), or soft cheeses, and no caffeine, well almost no caffeine… Up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t had one drop of caffeine, which I miss terribly. Prior to TTC, I loved getting up in the morning and making myself a cup of coffee, and enjoying it over the news, which I would do every day. Then later at work, I would often get a small latte in the mid-morning. While TTC, I would stop for awhile, go to decaf for awhile, cycle back and forth, never really giving it up. I finally gave it up completely in November last year, preparing for my first IVF cycle. When my IVF failed, I had a couple cups of coffee for a few days, but I quickly abstained, knowing the FET cycle would be coming, and I didn’t want to get addicted again.

So I haven’t had any coffee – ALL YEAR!!! Up until a few weeks ago… I’m sure you all remember how I went to the doc for a 20 week ultrasound, and they couldn’t tell if my baby was a boy or a girl. Well the doc told me to drink some caffeine before I came in for the next ultrasound so the baby would be up and moving around. I was so excited. It almost seemed worth it – I didn’t know the sex of my baby, but I got coffee! And a few days later when I counted down the minutes until I went and got that mini-latte, I definitely thought it was worth it. I was pretty excited about finding out the sex, but I also got a latte! Oh wow – what a great day!

But just like any good addict, one taste, and that’s all I can think about. Since that doctor-recommended latte, I catch myself thinking back to that time when I felt so good drinking it. It’s not only the flavor (which of course is fabulous), but it’s the feeling that everything is so right with the world! Most days I’m pretty tired throughout the day, and I’m functioning, but with coffee I’m SO MUCH BETTER! But I held off, telling myself that I shouldn’t drink any. Granted, my doc said I can have two cups each day, but I’m better than that, right? I don’t need silly crutches like caffeine – I’m a good pregnant woman – no coffee necessary! Or at least that’s what I told myself until yesterday…

Monday night I was up late, as hubs got home late and we stayed up talking. So I was tired on Tuesday, but I was fine, I’m used to being tired. Tuesday night we spent four hours in the ER, waiting for the hubs to be seen, and finally giving up at 11:00. (Long story short: he has a huge welt on his arm, he went to his work clinic during the day, who told him it is a brown recluse spider bite, and he needed to go to ER that night, apparently the ER disagreed since they wouldn’t see him, but wouldn't tell us that, they just kept us waiting until we gave up. Then he went to another clinic during the day yesterday, and they think it’s a MSRA staph infection, not a spider bite. They sent a sample away for testing, so we’re not sure what it is, but either way it could be very bad if left untreated, but he’s on some serious antibiotics and ointment, and I’m hoping it’s not a contagious staph infection…) So anyway, back to me – I was tired. So very tired yesterday afternoon at work, I could barely keep my eyes open. And I was about to have to lead a meeting, which does not allow napping for some reason. And so I did it, I went and got a latte.

And it was wonderful. Throughout the meeting, I sipped on my latte. I was planning on drinking only half of my small cup, but somehow all of it disappeared. I could feel Lil’ Alex waking up, and she was kicking like crazy, which was fun. And my brain was clicking like it never does! I started talking faster, and thinking faster, and everything was fantastic! I was happy, and it spread throughout the rest of my day. I got a bunch of work done in the hour remaining after the meeting, ran a few errands, then went to my therapist appointment and talked about my mom without crying or anything! Then I called my mom and told her what I had practiced with my therapist (“You have an open invitation to come visit, I’d really like you to come, but I’m not going to ask anymore, so please let me know when you’re ready to come visit.”) and went home. I cleaned up a little, and then worked on a new cross-stitch project (can’t believe I started another one, especially with Alex coming, but I missed doing it!), and stayed up WAY TOO LATE! I forced myself to go to bed at 10, but read a book until about 11 when the hubs came home. Then I got up and talked to him for awhile. I finally got to sleep around 12:30, and didn’t sleep well at all. And now, I’m exhausted…

Moral of the story is don’t drink caffeine in the afternoon. Or really ever, as it obviously does a number on me as my tolerance is so low now. But I can’t wait until I get to go back to my little habit – it will be wonderful!!! But when? I probably shouldn’t while breastfeeding, which I plan to do for a year, and then I’ll be weaning right when I will probably want to start TTC again. Ugh – when do I get coffee??? Yes, my name is Alex (kinda), and I'm an addict…

My IF Craft Project – Finished!!!

In November 2009, I made my first appointment with an RE. We had tried to get pregnant for almost a year, and it wasn’t going well. I had tried for a year with my ex in my 20’s, and that didn’t go well either. And so I was sick of the waiting, the longing, the constant thoughts that go through my mind. At the time, my hubs had a very stressful job, one that would often keep him at work until midnight or later. So I had many evenings by myself, with nothing to do but stress. I expected to go to the RE, magically get fixed since that’s what docs do, and have a baby soon! Oh how naïve I was… But I knew I needed to figure out something to do while waiting for my baby.

I scanned the internet, looking for a cross-stitch project which I could love. I really enjoy doing cross-stitch, but most of the designs out there are very country-looking, or kitschy. I wanted something that I could proudly hang in my house and would look a little more contemporary to fit with the rest of the house. I looked up modern cross stitch, and found gecko rouge. If you’re ever looking for a modern cross stitch pattern, take a look at gecko rouge – they have a shop on etsy with lots of great designs.

The whole thing, with the pattern, fabric and thread, cost less than $30, but I have spent countless hours on this project. It is 14 inches square, and made up of 40,000 stitches. Most nights since November 2009, I’ve worked on this project. It made the time go by quicker. So many nights, I would be counting the days until the next treatment, until the next shot, until the beta, until the whatever… And this cross stitch project would get me through. There were months when I wouldn’t touch it – after the miscarriages, during the hopeless times, somehow I couldn’t bear to work on the project. But when I got back in the TTC saddle, and started treatments again, somehow I would be drawn to this project.

I didn’t know where I was going to hang it, as there is absolutely no pink in my house, but I figured I would remodel a bathroom or a guest room all around this project, once I got it framed. But now, I’m having my little Alex, and I think it will go great in her room. I spent countless hours working on this project, waiting for her to arrive, so now it will be a perfect addition to her room. Here it is:



And a close-up of the stitches:

Confession

I have a confession. My name is not Alex. Well, at least not to most people in my life, who call me by my first name. My middle name is Alexandra, and I’ve always wanted to be known as Alex. When I was six years old, I told everyone in my life to now call me Alex. They never did. After awhile, I was resigned to the fact that nobody would call me anything but my first name – after all, you can’t change your own name! But a few years later I figured out that I could control someone’s name – if I ever had a girl, I would name her Alex. When I had a “Flour Baby” (bag of flour dressed up as a baby) in high school for Religion class (went to Catholic boarding school – whole other story…), I named her Alexandra and called her Alex. And every guy I’ve ever dated, if it ever got serious, I made it very clear that my first daughter would be named Alex. But honestly, it never occurred to me that I would have a daughter! I don’t know why, but I always thought I would have boys. But this little girl surprised me, so now I’m finally having my Alex.

Over a year ago, when I created this blog, I wanted to be able to write anonymously. So I picked a name that I’ve always wanted for myself: Alex. And being the completely uncreative type that I am, I chose a generic title: Alex’s Adventures. I figured I would be one of the lucky ones (it took me longer than I thought, but I still ended up one of the lucky ones!). I’d start an infertility blog to talk about my struggles, and very quickly get pregnant! So I wanted a generic type of blog name, so I could talk about my life after infertility too. Well, it’s taken awhile, but I’m fully in my pregnancy (21 weeks tomorrow!), which is fabulous. I don’t think I’ll ever move past infertility – the other day someone tried to tell me I was no longer infertile, and I quickly corrected them… But I’m excited to talk about my new baby girl Alex, and other things in my life.

So it may get complicated, because in this blogland I love so much, I’m keeping my name, and I’m adding a new character: Baby Alex, or Lil’ Alex, or whatever you want to call her, as long as it’s nice! Yes, it may be a little complicated, but I think we can figure it out – y’all are smart! Now if we could only figure out a middle name – anyone have a good suggestion for a short (preferably one syllable) middle name that goes with Alexandra?

Girl!!!

I'm sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to see the doc, but the main event has already happened: I had an ultrasound, and the baby finally opened her legs, and showed those unmistakable 3 lines: girl!!! I can't believe it - this makes it seem so very real. 

I can't believe I'm going to be the mother to a little girl. To say that I'm nervous about my capabilities to raise a girl is an understatement. I know I shouldn't be nervous, but having a girl brings up so many different emotions and memories about my childhood that I don't think would happen if I found out our baby is a boy. Oh well, I guess that's what therapy is for... What do you think I'll be talking about with my counselor in the upcoming weeks? :)

Please don't misinterpret my anxiety with disappointment. I've always wanted a little girl. From the clothes and all the girly stuff, to watching the hubs be a father to a girl (I know he'll be great!), to raising a girl to be strong and independent, I'm thrilled! I can't wait to meet her, this little girl of mine!!!

In the meantime, I wish the doc would hurry up so I can get out of here and into the mall! I haven't bought anything yet - it's time to start shopping!

Now is NOT the time for modesty!

I went to the doctor this morning, very excited about the ultrasound. I was so excited to find out if my baby is a boy or girl! BUT… Baby had other plans. The legs were closed the entire time, so the tech couldn’t see anything. Also, the baby’s butt was under my belly button, so there were lots of shadows, and she couldn’t get to the right angle. I was disappointed, but very happy to see that all the measurements and everything look great. The doctor said Baby’s measuring at about 35/100 on the range of babies. I said, so it’s small? But no, it’s just fine, just right in the middle. Finally later the hubs said it’s within one standard deviation of the mean. Which makes sense to me! Why don’t they explain it that way?

I think the doc and the ultrasound tech made up some stuff that they weren’t able to see on today’s ultrasound, so I “have” to come back in to complete the anatomy scan. I was thrilled to find out I get another ultrasound on Monday. The doc said his wife would kill him if she found out he made someone wait another four weeks or more to find out the sex! Love that!

I really wanted to go buy something for the baby this weekend (nothing yet!) and start the registry, but I guess it will have to wait until next week. Oh well, the only thing that matters is the baby is healthy, and measuring right on track! And we're halfway done - 20 weeks tomorrow!!!

Movement!

I have to admit, this is so amazingly cool. About a week ago, at about 18 weeks, I started feeling something in my lower belly, but I figured it was gas. Sometime last week I was in the middle of a meeting, and I felt a distinct movement – nothing that felt like gas, or cramps, or anything. And then it is getting more and more pronounced, each and every day. I can’t believe it – I actually have something growing inside me! The movement is still very sporadic, but oh so distracting. How am I supposed to get anything done over the next few months? All I want to do is stop and focus on feeling my baby move.

And what kind of freak feels movement in her belly and still grabs the Doppler to make sure there’s a heartbeat? I think I didn’t want to feel like a fool when I’ve been telling the hubs about movement, and then it turns out the baby is no longer alive. I keep telling the hubs I feel movement, and he scoffs and tells me it’s probably gas – he’s definitely living up to the stereotype of men during this pregnancy – I don’t think it will seem real for him until he holds the baby. Can’t wait until we see the baby on Friday – it’s been so long since the ultrasound, and we get to find out the sex!

A good friend at work asked me last week how the baby is doing. How are you supposed to answer that? I responded with what I was thinking: “Still here, I think!” He called me creepy… I think that will be the last time he asks me how the baby is doing…

Other than the awkward responses to people, I’m doing just fine. I’m very excited to find out the sex, as I think it will help make it more real when we start calling the baby by its name, and although I won’t truly believe it until there is a baby in my arms, I think there may actually be a child at the end of this road. I’ve stopped reading most of my pregnancy books – there’s not a lot I can do right now about the pregnancy except keep myself healthy. But I can learn about how to take care of a baby, of which I know very little. So I’m reading about things like breastfeeding and sleeping and such. People keep telling me my life will change so much after the baby is born, trying to warn me. I always respond, “I know – I can’t wait!” At least I’m positive with that response…

I Just Don’t Get It

I don’t understand my mother – I never have. I know I should know better, but every once in awhile I forget that I can’t rely on my mother, and it always seems to surprise me. We’ve always struggled with our relationship, but things have been better lately. She’s been very nice on the phone, and she’s been sweet in the last year or so, supporting me through my fertility treatments and losses. But it only goes so far.

About two months ago I asked her to come visit me for a weekend (she lives in Denver). She said she was going on a two-week trip in May, and she would visit me after that. OK, fine. I talked with her two weeks ago when she returned from her trip, and asked her when she was going to visit me. She was vague, “Oh, I’m just so busy. I don’t know when I can.” So I told her to check her calendar and let me know. Mind you, she doesn’t work, she has a husband who works part-time, but her schedule consists of things like taking long walks, knitting and a little charity work – she just told me she’s a model in some charity fashion shows. I talked with her last night, and asked her again when she was coming to visit. This time I told her a project that I wanted help with – recovering the seat cover of a cedar chest that I want to put in the nursery. She gave me the chest years ago, and she has recovered it before, and she acted interested in it when I discussed it last night. When I mentioned a specific purpose and project I wanted to work on with her, she finally sounded interested, but would not commit to a date. She’s done this so many times: “I’d love to come visit you, but I just don’t know when!” I’ve lived in Houston for over three years, and she has never visited…

But then I asked her the big question, only because it came up. She asked me about working after the baby comes (yes, unfortunately), and maternity leave (12 weeks, but the last 3 weeks I’ll work part-time from home), and if the hubs was taking time off. I told Mom that he was taking one week off at birth, and then taking two weeks off when I had to go back to work. We’re planning on using daycare, but I’m somewhat stressed about it. I haven’t visited any yet as they don’t have huge waiting lists around here and I have only looked at websites, but even looking at pictures of the infant rooms on websites gave me a pit in my stomach. I know that the transition back to work will be difficult for me. So ideally I’d like to have four weeks with me at work without the baby at daycare: 2 weeks with the hubs, 1 week with my mom, and 1 week with my mother-in-law. I haven’t asked my MIL yet, but I know she’ll say yes, actually she would probably come for two weeks if we asked her, and she has a full-time job! And I assumed my mom would say yes – who wouldn’t say yes to taking care of their grandchild?

Since Mom asked me about maternity leave and the hubs taking time off from work, I told her what I would like and explained that I’m worried about how hard it will be to leave my child in daycare, and I asked her if she would come here for a week and take care of the baby to help with the transition. She laughed – loud, and for awhile. I told her that I knew that it was a lot to ask, and she can say no, but please think about it and let me know, because I would really appreciate it if she could help me. Then she said that she thinks that she’s going on a cruise around that time, maybe two cruises! I said, “Really, when is your cruise?” She replied that she wasn’t sure, it was sometime around November or December. I said, “Oh, well that’s good, because I’m talking about the end of January or early February.” And she stumbled for a bit, talked about planning on going to Utah to ski in January, so I let her off the hook and asked her to think about it. But I think I got my answer – she has no interest in coming here for a week to help me, or even for a weekend before the baby is here. She wants to continue our nice superficial relationship, but anytime I ask her to do something truly inconvenient, she won’t do it.

The worst part is she has said in the past that she wants to help me, and come to visit and help. She got upset because she found out my MIL came here (from Denver) to help us paint the house, and then another time my MIL came here to take me to my hysteroscopy appointment because my hubs couldn’t do it. She very pointedly said that she didn’t understand why I asked my MIL to come here for the appointment instead of her, and I blamed it on the hubs. But the real answer is I can’t rely on my mom. The hubs called his mom with about 3 days notice, asking her to take off work and fly here, and she didn’t hesitate at all – of course she would come, and this is why we asked her. But now, I’m asking my mom with seven months notice to come here for a week and take care of her grandchild when I go back to work, and it’s too much to ask. I just don’t get it.

One Year Ago

I woke up today, so tired. But somewhere in my fog, things started to change in the shower. As I was leaning over for my daily hot water massage on my lower back and stretch (backaches this early – ugh!), I started thinking about how lucky I am. The last few days, I’ve been more tired than normal, and the backaches are getting worse and worse, and I’ve been getting a little grumpy. But today I realized that it’s all so worth it – thank goodness I get the opportunity to have a sore back.

The last few weeks have seen some really low lows in the IF blogworld – losses beyond imagination. And some very high highs – births, and BFPs. Wonderful news. Also, in my personal life, my BFF found out last week that her second IVF resulted in a BFN, and now she won’t return my phone calls. I know she just needs time, but it’s still hard knowing she is hurting, and she won’t talk to me. All this makes me think about how many different paths there are, and how hard we are all trying to build our families, and some of us make it, and some of us don’t. I don’t know why some of us get our babies, and for some reason some of us never get a chance, or keep losing our babies. All I know is I’m so very grateful to have this chance. Yes, I fought really hard for this baby, and I continue to fight, but I know how fleeting this happiness can be. And I know how lucky I am to have this baby inside me. I’m starting the golden time of pregnancy – the small little flutters are starting in my lower belly (I think it’s movement – can’t really tell for sure), and I have an ultrasound where we will be able to find out the sex of the baby next week – I can’t wait! And suddenly today I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude, happiness and peacefulness about my baby.

And then I got to work, and looked at the date: June 15. One year after going into the doctor at 8 ½ weeks, blissfully pregnant, excited to show my husband the heartbeat. And then realizing that there was no longer a heartbeat. I think back to that date, one year ago, and it seems like a lifetime has passed. What a long year it has been. I miss that little guy – so very much. But if I had that baby, I wouldn’t have the baby that is in my belly today. It’s so hard to think of one without the other. I’m not a big believer in “things happen for a reason.” This phrase would upset me to no end when people would tell me that after my ectopic last year, and then especially after my little one’s heartbeat stopped. I think it fed into my fear about not being able to have kids because I wasn’t supposed to be a mother. But today, I really wish I didn’t have to go through what I did last year, and I really wish we had that baby we lost, but I feel like a different person today after going through it all. I believe that all the heartache, all the tears I shed, it all shaped me into the woman I am today. One that is so incredibly grateful for the baby I currently hold inside me today.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I’ve been good. I’ve been positive, planning for the future, expecting the baby to come, not obsessing, not reading the loss stories on the internet, expecting my baby to come. Sure, I may use the Doppler occasionally, but I’ll only do it if I have time to deal with the bad consequences. Is it weird that I won’t do it in the morning before I go to work, or if I have something planned that day? Sure, I always have a plan when going to appointments – who to call, where I’ll go, what to do – if the appointment is bad. I know this sounds morbid, but overall I’ve been positive, really!

Last week I went into the doc for some blood work – the second part of the screening, I think it’s called the integrated screening. The first part came back at around 12 weeks, and it was great. I have very low risk for 3 trisomy issues, including Downs. I almost forgot about this second part, but it’s amazing how quickly I can get scared. Someone was in my office this morning talking about something important, and my cell phone rang. I immediately turned it off, and it wasn’t until I turned it off that I realized the call was from my doctor. I continued to talk to the person in my office for another 10 minutes, and I could barely pay attention. He kept asking me questions, and I think I answered, but I was in a complete terror. What if this is how I find out that there’s something wrong? As soon as the person left my office, I checked my voice mail and there was a message from the nurse to call her. She didn’t sound upset, but maybe she always sounds like that! I called her back, and of course got her voice mail. For the next two hours, I didn’t go anywhere without my cell, wondering what the results would be.

The results were fine. They screened for open neural tube defects, and for women over 35, the chance is 1:300. Based on all my blood work, I have a 1:2,886 chance, so this is great. There was no reason to worry, and everything is fine. What a relief! But why do I immediately jump to the conclusion that something must be wrong with my baby? There are no indications that anything could be wrong. I’ve had a relatively good pregnancy so far – some symptoms, a little spotting but not much, a subchorionic hematoma that went away, but nothing huge. I have absolutely NO reason to think that anything will go wrong! And yet… I worry. I know this is normal, that most pregnant women do this, and those of us that are infertile and have losses in our past are even worse. That all of the research that I’ve done over the last few years only increases my worry, as I know all the things that can go wrong. But I wish I could simply relax and not worry. I don’t know that I ever will. From now on, even after the baby is born (healthy!!! Please!), I will worry, and I have to simply get used to this way of life. But it’s hard, it’s so very hard, when I discover that all I’m doing is waiting for something to go wrong.

It's My Birthday!

It's my birthday - today I turn 36 years old. And it sounds old, doesn't it? Oh well, it's just a number. But it sounds so...adult! Overall, I'm fine with my birthday, and turning 36 - it's just another number, but it's my last year in my mid-30's... It makes me think though, would I be reacting differently if I wasn't pregnant? And the answer is definitely yes.

So I'm incredibly grateful to be pregnant - 17 weeks today - on my birthday. We're having a relaxing time, slept in, went to lunch, and then we'll go out to dinner with some friends. Hopefully my last kid-free birthday in a very long time!

Thanks, and OB Appointment

First, I want to thank you all so very much for the comments I received on my letter to my birth parents. It was so hard to write, and even hard to read (I cry every time). And I debated putting it on my blog. But I’ve always tried to be super honest here, and this strange little public place I call my blog has become so safe to me – because of you guys that read my words. I put this letter out there, and I was so vulnerable, not knowing what the response would be. But y’all gave me so much love and support, I can’t thank you enough. I read the letter out loud to my therapist, which was so hard. Through my sobs, I finally got it out. And I felt relief after doing this. I still don’t know what to do with my relationship with my birth parents. I’ll probably keep the one that I have with my birth mother the same – Christmas cards and pictures, although I hope to do more pictures of my little one brewing inside me. But I would like to reconnect with my birth father. Perhaps sometime this summer I can muster up the courage to call him and start talking again. We’ll see… But in the meantime, I’m so happy to have all of you in my life, standing beside me as I work through all these things in my life. Thank you.

I had an OB check-up today. It was my first visit without an ultrasound, and it definitely wasn’t as cool. He did the Doppler, and the little one is still alive and has a heartbeat – 145 today. Although I could have told you that – the Doppler at home told me so! I told someone at work that I was having an appointment, and he asked me how it went. I think he was a little surprised when I responded happily, “The baby is still alive!” I forget that other people, normal people, just assume that the baby keeps living. But when you have gone to an appointment and the doc tells you that your baby is no longer living, it’s no longer a given, is it? Even if the Doppler at home picked up the heartbeat, it makes a world of difference for me to have a doctor tell me it’s true.

I asked the OB about traveling in August. We would like to go visit family and friends in Denver, and people keep asking about having a shower for me there. I can’t go any earlier than August for work reasons, so I asked the doc. Originally we had planned on driving there, as I have a bit of a fear of flying while pregnant. I didn’t before, but in my last pregnancy, one week my baby was alive, and the next he wasn’t. During that week, I took a flight for a wedding. I know in my head that flying had nothing to do with my baby dying, but I may not always be the most rational, especially when it comes to being pregnant. So I asked the doc what he preferred me to do: fly for 2 ½ hours, drive 18 hours, or stay home. He said I should definitely fly, and it will be fine then. I’ll be right at the beginning of my 3rd trimester, and he said there’s no reason why I shouldn’t fly. I should get up at least once during the flight, but it should be easy. He said that driving isn’t contra-indicated, but he will tell me to stop every 1 ½ hours and walk around for at least 15 minutes. Which would make a trip super long. And he said I’ll be very uncomfortable. So we’re following his advice and booking a flight to Denver. But I’m still scared to get on a plane. Hopefully I’ll get over my fear by then.

My next appointment isn’t for another four weeks. I haven’t yet gone two weeks without an appointment, so I’ve been very lucky, but there’s no reason for an appointment any sooner – everything is going very well. The best news is my next appointment is the anatomy scan – we get to find out the sex of the baby!!! On a side note, did you hear about the family in Canada who is raising their child to be gender neutral? Nobody outside the family and the midwives that delivered the baby knows the sex. Interesting idea, but I think it’s a little too weird!

Two Years Ago

Two years ago, I married the hubs. It was our dream wedding. We had 45 of our family and friends go to The Bahamas with us to celebrate. Here is the wedding ceremony:



After the wedding:



Here is our cake. We had gone to Sweden the year before, visited the hubs' family, and I fell in love with these Dala horses:



We hired an amazing band, and we danced all night. It rained during the reception (note the hubs' wet and rolled up pants), but we didn't let silly rain interrupt our plans - it didn't rain at all during the ceremony:



I wish we were back in The Bahamas, but we have plans to return with some of our guests for our 5-year anniversary. I had such a good time that day, we did exactly what we wanted to do, and we had the best wedding I have ever been to! But none of the stuff like the flowers and the chairs and the band really mattered - all I wanted to do was marry the hubs, and that was the best part.

Letter to My Birth Parents

My therapist gave me homework, and I usually don’t do my homework. Just like when I was in school, it always seems like I have something better to do. But I have a lot of anxiety about being a parent given all my history, so we’re trying to work through some stuff, so I thought I should do this. She asked me to write a letter to my birth parents, focusing on my feelings and explaining them. I don’t have to send it, and I probably won’t, actually I know I won’t, but here it is. I’m going to read her my letter tonight, and we’ll talk about it – wish me luck. As a bit of a background, I wasn’t adopted until four years old, bounced between my birth mother and foster homes for the first four years, birth father was involved – both were alcoholics and drug addicts. I have been trying to establish a relationship with my birth father for awhile, but I asked to stop talking in December during my first IVF cycle. I don’t talk with my birth mother except for exchanging Christmas cards.

Dear T (birth father) and M (birth mother),

I guess I should have started out by saying thank you. I know you both care about me a lot, and you did what you thought was best by giving me up for adoption. You also could have chosen to not have me at all, so I thank you for my life. Unlike a lot of adoptees, I know for a fact that you truly wanted me. You tried to keep me, and you tried for a long time. Also, you have both been very respectful of my feelings in our interactions as an adult, and I thank you for that. I have so many feelings about you both, and this is my attempt to explain myself.

I’m angry at both of you. I don’t understand why you couldn’t have figured out how to be sober earlier. Both of you got your lives together eventually, why couldn’t you try to be sober and able to take care of a child when you actually had a child? M, I think based on my calculations, that you got sober around the time you were pregnant with your second child, my younger sister. Why was she worth getting sober and I wasn’t? I’m also angry that I never have met my sister – I would have liked having a sister, I always wanted one.

I’m also angry that you didn’t give me up for adoption earlier. I read these studies about so many things developing early in a child’s life, and I think about being homeless and hungry, and going to 18 foster homes prior to adoption, and all the stuff I don’t know. I’m sure there are so many things that happened in those four years, that thankfully I can’t remember, that weren’t good for me, for any child. If you would have realized that you couldn’t take care of me earlier, maybe I would have been better, maybe I wouldn’t have the abandonment issues, and all the other stuff. I know you tried, that you wanted to keep me and raise me, but I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t have the first four years that I did.

I feel guilty. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t, but I still do. I feel very guilty about not putting more of an effort into having a relationship with you now. Growing up, I figured I would become an adult, and then I would be strong enough to have relationships with both of you. But then I grew up, and I never became strong enough. I’ve tried, somewhat, but it’s so very hard.

T, you are making such an effort. You call me every month, or at least you did until I asked you to stop (I’m sorry), and you try to find things over which we can relate. You keep talking about music, and sending me videos and CD’s of you playing your instruments, and encouraging me to play the piano again. I keep saying I might, but here’s the truth: I don’t want to. Piano hasn’t been in my life for years, and I have no desire to play it. We are completely different people. You are into your music and other creative things. I am a business woman, I read the WSJ, I like numbers, and I’m not creative. You don’t understand my life at all, and I don’t understand your life. And that has to be ok – we’re not going to find some great thing in common. Maybe when (if) we start talking again, I will have the guts to explain this to you, but then what are we going to talk about in our awkward conversations?

M, I feel so guilty on behalf of my parents. You say, and I believe you, that they were supposed to keep in contact with you, and you were supposed to be able to see me occasionally. This didn’t happen, and I’m sorry. I would ask my parents why this didn’t happen, but there really is no point. It just happened. Perhaps you were too drunk for the first few years after my adoption to follow up, but when you sobered up, you couldn’t find me, and I’m sorry for this. When I was about 22 years old, I found your phone number on the internet, and I called you. I acted like a telemarketer, and I asked you questions. I asked if you had children, and you said yes, you have one child, a daughter that is 12. And then I hung up. I was sad that you said you only had one child – what about me? Of course I realize that you wouldn’t tell some random telemarketer that you had a child that you gave up for adoption, but it still hurt to hear you say you only had one child. I was excited though to find out I had a sister.

M, when you tracked me down and called me a few years later, I was so excited to hear from you. But then I heard the sadness and guilt in your voice, and it was too much for me to handle. I’m so sorry for not responding well to your attempt at initiating a relationship. Right now, all we do is exchange Christmas cards, and I feel so guilty about this. I always had a vision in my head of going to see you (and T, separately of course) with my child, and introducing you to your grandchild. Then we would have a distraction, and something to talk about. I hope I can do this someday.

Trying to have a child, and having such a hard time doing so, has brought up some strange feelings about both of you. T, I know you were confused when I asked to stop talking. It was just so hard, and I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. Here I am, doing everything in my power to have a child, and you walked away from your child – from me. I don’t understand this. How can I relate to you both, knowing that you didn’t want what I yearn for more than anything? Like I said, for some reason I have always thought that once I was a mother, I would be stronger, and I would be able to see you both. But now I’m afraid that this won’t be true. What if I see my child, and feel the emotions that I know I’ll have, and be able to relate to you even less? What if having a child makes me even angrier at you?

I don’t know how to end this, or how to help our relationships. I only know that I’m hurting, and I really hoped that I would be over this hurt by now. Thirty-two years have passed since I went to my parents, and I’m still struggling with a lot of things, including what my relationship with you should look like. I would really like to have more of a relationship, and I would love for you to know your future grandchild. I can’t promise anything, but I can hope.

2nd trimester - and request for advice for a friend

First I wanted to say I can’t believe I’m in my 2nd trimester. I was 14 weeks on Saturday, and by any of the books, I’m now in the 2nd trimester (why do they disagree, by the way?)! I can’t believe I’m actually at this point. Throughout all the treatments, and the months of not getting pregnant, and the losses, I always wondered if it would ever happen for me. And although I’m still not convinced, there’s starting to look like there’s a good chance that there will actually be a baby at the end of this road. Unbelievable! I’ve had a lot of weird moments lately like this. I was complaining to my therapist last week about the hubs and how he’s not helping out around the house, and what is he going to be like when we have a kid, and I was getting really upset. She asked me, “do you think that you’re no longer as worried about actually having the baby, that you’re starting to worry about bringing a baby home?” That struck me… Um yes, it never really occurred to me that I might have to worry about a BABY! Suddenly I’m thinking about things like sleep schedules, and maternity leave, and daycare, and I should probably figure out something about breastfeeding, and how we’re actually going to do this, and honestly, it’s a little scary – good, but scary. Once I realized what was going on in my crazy head, I started to relax. I can do this. I WANT to do this – more than anything. I’m going to have a BABY, and it’s going to be wonderful! (Oh I hope there’s going to be a baby…)

Things have been going pretty good in the pregnancy front. The 2nd trimester is definitely shaping up to be better than the 1st. From the anxiety levels decreasing, to no more nausea (mostly), to sleeping a little better, all things are looking up. I went to the doc on Friday to have my cervix checked, as I had a LEEP about ten years ago. It measured great – 3.6 cm. He said anything over 2.5 is good, so no cerclage. I’m starting to look bigger, which I’m doing pretty well with (mostly). I went to a maternity store for the first time on Saturday, and I loved it. I had so much fun shoving that pillow in my pants, looking at my future big belly, it was like playing dress up as a child. But now it’s for real! And maternity pants could be the best thing ever. For the first time in weeks, I’m super comfortable at work…

I had a really stupid pregnancy moment this weekend, or at least I’m blaming it on pregnancy – there’s no way I could be this forgetful, right? For the first time in my entire life, I ran out of gas. Seriously, I’m driving along, and it just stopped. Thank goodness I had just exited from the highway and was close to home so the hubs could bring me gas. Who does this? I’m almost 36 years old, and I run out of gas???

Last weekend in Austin was fun. I successfully hung out with everyone, and didn’t get upset at their drunkenness or anything. The day we got there, my friend, the woman who had said I talked about TTC too much, got a call from her gyno recommending Clomid. They have been TTC since October, and it’s not working. She has consistent 6-week cycles. The gyno tested her for a bunch of stuff, but because she has 6-week cycles, and the day 21 progesterone test was low, the doc concluded that she’s not ovulating, and therefore needs Clomid. My friend was not happy. Through tears at a concert, she told me, “No offense, but I don’t want to take fertility drugs.” I feel so bad for her. I asked if she had charted at all, and she hasn’t – her doc told her it wouldn’t work since she works nights. Also, she hasn’t used ovulation kits. I told her before she did the Clomid, to try charting for a few months. As long as she’s sleeping for longer than 4 hours at a time, I think charting could work. Maybe she has a normal, ovulating, 6-week cycle. This is possible, right? Also, I told her to stock up on the OPK’s. I sent her my Taking Charge of Your Fertility book to teach her about charting, but do you ladies have any other advice? Is it possible to have an ovulating 6-week regular cycle? Also, could it take more than 8 months to get everything to work after going off BCP’s? She keeps blaming the pill for her wonky cycles, but it should be good by now if she went off in September, right? I don’t want to give her false hope, but if she’s really against meds, then maybe she should do some other things first, right?

One more thing – wanted to give a bit of a warning. I’ve heard a lot of good things about the book Sing You Home from Jodi Picoult – it’s fiction about infertility. I’m always looking for something good to read, so I downloaded it yesterday and started reading it before bed. I only made it through the first chapter I think, and although I will probably continue it another day, I do not recommend it to a pregnant woman. Or maybe even some women that aren’t yet pregnant. I don’t know – you have to be in a decent state of mind to start this book. Reading about how the main character lost her baby at 28 weeks (I’m not spoiling it – this is how the story begins!) is NOT GOOD. I was crying before bed, and then had the worst dreams ever. I kept waking up, afraid of losing my baby. I’m feeling better today, but I may need to read something else tonight. Something light and happy perhaps!

NT Scan Results

Great news! My baby scored “Normal”! The nurse was trying to get off the phone after telling me that, but she didn’t realize she was dealing with an infertile with a penchant for numbers. I wanted specifics! She sounded confused, and then started reading results, and then I got to the good stuff. For Trisomy 21 (Down’s), the chance is down from about 1:250 for a 36 year old (next month – blah…) to 1: 4,361! And for Trisomy 13 and 18, it’s 1: 7,681!!! These are better than a 20 year old!

I’m hoping this news makes me feel like a 20 year old this weekend – I’m in for an exhausting one, and I’m having a hard enough time keeping my eyes open with my normal life. The hubs has picked up his BFF and his wife from the airport, and they’re at the bar waiting for me. Then we’re off to Jimmy Buffet concert tonight. Then we’re getting in the car tomorrow to go to Austin, and then headed to 6th Street tomorrow night, which if you’ve been to Austin, is the place to party… And then Saturday we’re headed to New Braunfels where the three of them will go tubing down the river with their beer cooler in a tube. Then a concert that night too! I’ve booked a massage during the tubing time. Sounds like they’re living their college days, doesn’t it! My goals for the weekend are to not act too tired, don’t get too grumpy, and be a good sport. Wish me luck!

Oh, and not bring up trying to get pregnant. The wife is the person who said I talked about TTC too much. Plus I know she’s trying, so I will not be the obnoxious pregnant girl either! I hate to say it, but I’m not looking forward to this weekend…

NT Scan – 12 weeks!

I had my NT scan on Friday, one day prior to reaching 12 weeks. 12 weeks – can you believe it? I certainly can’t! I’m almost in the 2nd trimester – unbelievable! Every day, I feel like pinching myself – I can’t believe I’m this far along in my pregnancy! Anyway, back to the scan – it went well. Little baby was sleeping most of the scan, so it took awhile to do the scan as they couldn’t get a good measurement of the nuchal fold, but baby finally woke up, and there was a measurement of 1.3 mm. My understanding is that anything under 2 mm is good, so I’m relieved. Also, there was a nasal bone, so that’s a good sign as well. Baby looked good – like a real baby! The heartbeat was strong at 156 bpm, everything was great!

We then went to see the doctor after the ultrasound, and he wanted to do a full exam including pap smear and breast exam, which was a little weird in front of the hubs, I have to admit. Not that he hasn’t seen a bunch of docs hanging out in my nether regions before throughout the whole IVF process, but still it was a little weird. For me – the hubs didn’t seem to care less! But everything looks good. I asked the doc about my LEEP procedure that I had about 10 years ago, and he scheduled me for a cervix measurement at 14 weeks. He said that my cervix felt and looked good and long, but he wanted me to have a precise measurement at 14 weeks to make sure it was long enough, as a LEEP can shorten the cervix. If it’s not long enough, I’ll get a cerclage as a preventive measure. I’m just happy to have another ultrasound in two weeks! I should get the blood results by the end of this week, at which point they’ll tell me my risk of trisomial issues, but I think it will come back fine.

After the doctor’s appointment on Friday, I was feeling so good about my baby – like this might actually happen – that I came out of the closet at work. There were some people that suspected because they knew I was going through fertility treatments. But there were some that were truly surprised. And everybody was so nice. And I found myself telling people I never thought I would tell that I did IVF. It never really was a secret, as I told many people. But I never thought that I would admit to everyone that I did it! But when people start asking specific questions about due dates (I’m pretty sure it will be at the beginning of November as I will be induced because of the Lovenox), and how many ultrasounds I’ve had (lots – love the fertility early monitoring), and whether it was an accident or if we were trying (seriously? why do people ask this?), I found myself explaining that I did IVF. I have this overriding desire for people to know that we really WANTED this baby, and that I’m scared, not just assuming that everything will be fine. I’m very comfortable with my decision to tell people about IVF – I may not be putting myself out there on Facebook (you know how many random people in my life are “friends” with me on FB?) but at least I’m open and honest in my real life. I guess it makes me feel better to tell people, and be open for questions. I wonder sometimes how it will be taken, but so far, so good. Granted, it’s been with about five people… Have to start somewhere!

Thinking back to another life

Last night I went to see my friend A in the hospital with her two brand-new twin boys. They were adorable. Oh I can’t wait to have my baby! I’m SO very happy I’m pregnant now – I don’t know if I could have handled the visit very well if I wasn’t. I just kept thinking that six months from now, I would be at the same hospital, with my little one. Oh I hope this is true!!!

But last night’s visit brought me back to a time that seems like a different life, but was very early in my fertility struggle. It was the first time I had ever gone to a hospital to visit a friend and her new baby. It was for my best friend at the time. E and I met our sophomore year in college, and immediately hit it off. I don’t even remember how we met, but we were soon inseparable. Our friendship evolved from hitting the frat parties, to going across the country to be camp counselors together one summer, to living together our senior year, to holding her hand while she had an abortion, to spending time with her family at holidays, to her wiping the tears off my face when my mom disappointed me – again, to moving apart after graduation, to flying back home to be there for her dad’s death, to standing up beside her at her wedding, to her helping me move back home, to her introducing me to her neighbor who I ended up marrying, to her standing up beside me at my wedding, to becoming next-door neighbors again. Needless to say, we were very close, and we were like sisters – nothing could ever break us apart.

I think I was about 26, and my ex and I had been trying to get pregnant for about a year. I went to my gyno for my annual exam, and I wanted to get assistance getting pregnant. But instead, they found cancerous cells on my cervix in the Pap smear. So I had to have a LEEP procedure. My ex took me to the LEEP procedure, which was awful, and we went directly from the doctor’s office to visit my friend E at the hospital – the buildings were connected. She had just had her baby girl the day before. I was happy for her, but I was also devastated for me. I was afraid of having cancer, I was afraid of what the LEEP procedure would do to my chances of having babies, I was upset at my broken body, and I was also upset about my broken marriage, although I wasn’t quite ready to admit that part yet. I walked into that hospital room, and I saw this baby that I thought I would never have, and knowing that it came so easy to E, I broke down and started bawling. I feel so bad about this, robbing her of her excitement of having a baby, but I couldn’t control myself. She consoled me, and I apologized, and I tried to make it up to her later.

This was the beginning of my downward spiral. A month later, I was on anti-depressants because I couldn’t stop crying. Two months later, I was in the hospital for depression. I took two months off of work, got a lot of counseling, and got better. With a lot of help from E - I relied on her a lot that year. After a lot of couple’s counseling, I filed for divorce, and tried to move on with my life, and got a lot better. And then E broke up with me. She said I was too much to handle, that it was too hard being my friend. She kept bringing up the time when I cried in the hospital at her daughter’s birth. I fought hard, trying to keep her in my life, but she wanted nothing to do with me. And therefore she is no longer my friend.

I was so afraid of TTC again, especially afraid of how I would handle it, and how it would affect my relationships with others. I dated the hubs for 5 ½ years before marrying him for fear of making a bad decision again, and I tried to warn him while dating that TTC could be very difficult, and I don’t handle it well. He didn’t listen… I’ve done a little better during the last two years than I did in my 20’s – I started seeing a counselor earlier, and I think it helped that I listened to my intuition when it said that something was very wrong, and so I got professional help earlier. Being in control of treatments, and taking an aggressive approach seems to have been easier on my psyche. And talking to all of you fabulous people online has definitely helped! But it’s been so hard. And I’ve worked really hard to not be too much of a burden on my friends, for fear of losing someone like I lost E.

My friend A, who had the twins, has been so great throughout the whole process. She really has been an amazing supportive friend. She sees me every day at work, and she always knows where I am in a treatment cycle, and what exactly is going on, both physically and emotionally, with me. Because she asks. Even last night at the hospital, with one little boy at her breast trying to figure out how to suck, she said, “so you’re 11 weeks 3 days, right? How are you feeling?” I’m so lucky – she even knows to the day where I am – and she just gave birth! A few weeks ago, she said that a comment that I made at my wedding shower always stuck in her head. Two years ago, we were talking about trying to have babies (she was pregnant with her first at the time, and so was another woman). I made the comment, “I am not looking forward to trying to get pregnant – it’s hard!” And she didn’t understand. But now, after two years of watching me struggle, she gets it, she really does. Even if she didn’t struggle at all herself, she truly understands me.

I’m so lucky to have my friend A, but I also miss my friend E. I wish I would have handled it differently nine years ago, but I didn’t. But I certainly did learn a lot.

I love my Doppler! And a request for help

Against my doctor’s wishes, I got a Doppler, and I love it! Like I said yesterday, I’ve been having some cramping after doing a little work outside this weekend. I am taking your advice, and I’m officially lazy – for the rest of my pregnancy! There’s no need to stress out like this, and I’ll have plenty of time after work to get back in shape. Yesterday, the cramping got worse – and sharp. All weekend they were dull achy kind of cramps, but then yesterday I started getting sharp pains – which suck! I plan to talk with my doc on Friday about it – I go in for my 12 week checkup and NT scan. Crazy, I know!

Anyway, I went home yesterday and sitting in my mailbox was a Doppler from my dear friend Laura. She just had a baby boy a month ago, and there she is at the post office sending me her Doppler – amazing. I was able to put it on my belly and I heard the most beautiful sound of all – my little one’s heartbeat… Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, super fast – love it! After all the cramping, at least I was able to confirm that my little guy is fine.

Speaking of Laura, I’d like to ask a favor. For all the mom’s out there, can you stop by and give her some comfort and perhaps some advice? She’s having a hard time with her newborn, with getting him to sleep and with her dealing with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with having a newborn with reflux and sleeping issues. She could use some support right now, so if you could go over there and give her a virtual hug, I think it would help. Thanks!

11 Weeks

I hit 11 weeks this weekend, and I’m still wondering when it’s going to seem real. I haven’t told most people at work, although I assume most people suspect – I’m starting to get fat… I know, it’s because I’m pregnant, but it really just looks fat. I lost about 4 pounds in the first month of pregnancy, and have since gained one of it back, but I can’t help but thinking I just look fat, or fatter than normal. Actually some people may not notice – it’s not that unusual for a fat girl to get a bigger belly than normal! I think when I get bigger it will be easier – we’ll see.

My friend who accidentally got pregnant with twins gave birth this morning. I’m so impressed with her – she made it to 38 weeks and 3 days to her scheduled C-section date. She worked up until 2 weeks ago, and then worked at home, part-time for the last 2 weeks. I’ve never seen legs that swollen – she’s been miserable. But because she made it so long, she now has two beautiful boys that are 7 pounds, 1 ounce and 7 pounds, 3 ounces – amazing for twins. I’m going to the hospital tomorrow to see them. I’m so happy for her, and yet… I’m so happy for me that I’m pregnant at the birth. I’ve watched her get pregnant, and find out she was having twins, and then finding out it was two boys (she was disappointed at first, but got over it), and then watched her at the end. I have to say, since being pregnant, it’s been so much easier to be happy for her. It’s awful, I know. Even today, while listening to all the women here at work talking in their high-pitched voices about the twins, I feel jealous. I don’t know why, I have a little baby that’s growing in my belly now, but I still feel the infertility twinge – the jealousy of the surprise twins, the ease in how she got pregnant, how she would just assume throughout the whole pregnancy that everything would be fine. Even this weekend, knowing she was going in for her c-section this morning, I was worried about the boys – what if something happened and they didn’t survive the c-section? How rational is that? She just wanted them out of her body so she could move again, and I had so much fear about the boys. Doesn’t exactly bode well for my anxiety levels during my own pregnancy. I’m very happy for my friend, and looking forward to meeting the boys tomorrow, but I’m even happier that I’m going through this now while pregnant – I can’t imagine trying to fake my way through it after even more failed treatments…

The hubs worked very hard this weekend dismantling our deck in our backyard. It wasn’t made very well, and the wood is pretty much rotten. Have to love this Houston weather and what it does to wood – it was only about six years old! The plan is to put in a flagstone patio where the deck was, but first we had to remove the deck. I’ve been feeling very good, and haven’t done much exercise at all since finding out I’m pregnant. First, I’m scared to do any, and then I had that hematoma, and so I was on modified bedrest, so I wasn’t allowed. But this weekend, I really wanted to get outside and do something! I’ve been released from all restrictions, so it should be fine – just don’t lift anything too heavy. On Saturday, I was helping the hubs by putting very small pieces of wood from the wheelbarrow into the dumpster that we rented. And it was going fine. Then he asked me to tighten the bolts on the wheelbarrow as they were loose. And so I spent about 10 minutes bending over, tightening up bolts – not a real strenuous task. But then I started feelings cramps around my ute. I immediately went inside and started resting on the couch, and pretty much didn’t leave the couch the rest of the weekend. The cramping continued most of the weekend – it was better on Sunday, and a little better today. I know that people cramp sometimes throughout their pregnancies, and my ute is growing and shifting, and that could be causing it. But still, it’s so very nerve-racking, especially since it started while doing a very small amount of physical activity! Everything I read says that I should be exercising while pregnant, but I’m very nervous now – how am I supposed to do that now? I keep telling myself that everything is ok, and it probably is, but I hate all this worry!!!

Things are slowing down at work, which is good, and bad. I actually prefer to have the distraction of busy work. Now what am I supposed to do with my time at work? I know, awful… Hubs wants me to prepare a budget for baby. Any suggestions?

Graduated!

First, thanks to everyone for your reassuring comments. I hate that infertility and loss does this – we have a couple good days in our pregnancy, and we automatically assume that there is something wrong with our babies. Because sometimes that’s what it means – sometimes the absence of symptoms means the baby is now dead. But most of the time it means that you’re lucky, and hopefully the symptoms are getting better. I hate that those of us that have experienced infertility or loss, or both, automatically assume it’s bad. But you all sent me very encouraging comments, and gave me reassurances, enough to get through the few less-symptom days. And then, this weekend, all the symptoms came back, with full force! Good times!

I went to my RE office today, for my final appointment. They told me to stop taking the progesterone shots, and I’m not on any restrictions anymore – no restrictions on exercise, sex, anything! I don’t have the hematoma anymore – it’s completely gone. And everything looks great. The little guy was hitting and kicking all around – so feisty! He even reached up to his head – the nurse said he was scratching his head a little – so very cute. He’s measuring at 10 weeks 4 days, even though I’m at 10 weeks 2 days today. And a heartbeat of 156.

It was a little sad leaving that office. I have gone there so many times over the last 18 months. I was glad to have the nurse that I have seen the most doing my last ultrasound. I thanked her for all her help, and she said that she gave me kudos for all the research and self-advocacy I’ve done to have this baby. Love her! It was so weird walking out of there. I won’t be back until I start trying for baby #2. We haven’t decided when that will be, but I love knowing that they’re taking care of seven frozen embryos for us.

So I now must accept that I’m no longer a fertility patient – now I will go forward with my pregnancy as a normal (yet scared) pregnant woman. Luckily I have my next ultrasound scheduled for April 29 (next week!), which will be the NT scan. But after that, it will be every four weeks that I have to go without confirmation from a doctor that everything is ok. And I think that after we get the results from the NT scan, I’ll officially come out at work. Although I think most people suspect – there’s been some weird vibes lately. Oh who cares, let them all gossip! For now, I’m celebrating that everything is ok – at 10+ weeks, my baby is alive and well. Maybe I will get to have this baby after all…