Saturday, July 24, 2010

Who is this man?

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s been a rough few weeks with the hubs. The guy doesn’t talk – he doesn’t like to share his feelings or anything. We’ve been better the last week or so, but we still haven’t talked, and honestly I wasn’t expecting to talk. Until last night. We went out for happy hour with some friends after work, but came home around 7:30 o take care of the dogs, and we ended up drinking and talking outside on the deck until about 11:00. It was amazing, we talked about everything. Granted there was some liquid lubricant on our words, but it was really nice to hear his thoughts. It started when he got terrible news about a friend of his. This man is his grandmother’s boss, but he’s been in the hubs’ life forever – his grandmother started working for him before hubs was born, and she still does (she’s 91 – most amazing woman ever!). This guy has been the hubs’ mentor, a father figure, even a boss for a few years there. Well he is sick – they’re not sure if he had a stroke, but he’s in the hospital, but hopefully going home soon. He lives in Denver, and we’re in Houston, and the hubs is trying to figure out when he can go up there to see him.

We started talking about how crappy this summer has been. With everything that has happened with us and the baby, and our friend with breast cancer, and our friend with a heart attack, and my friend who just lost her baby, and now his friend is sick. How much more can we seriously handle? The conversation wasn’t exactly sad – it jumped around a lot. We talked a lot about his work, which is his favorite topic. But here are the other things we discussed:

• He talked about the miscarriage. He mentioned the email I sent him before the appointment when we discovered our baby had no heartbeat. I said in the email: “You haven’t been able to see or hear the heartbeat yet, and I really want you to see it.” He told me last night that it breaks his heart every time he reads it, and he hasn’t been able to delete the email yet. I told him I was sorry that he never got to see the heartbeat, and he said that he was really looking forward to it – that’s why he came to the appointment, but what if he hadn’t been there for me during that ultrasound? I’m tearing up now writing this. I thanked him for sharing this with me – it gives me an indication of the grief that he feels.

• He mentioned a woman at work had a 30th birthday, and she said “I’m 30, and I have accomplished everything I wanted to – I had a baby!” Both me and hubs said “Bitch!” at the same time. I learned my hubs is also jealous and bitter! So nice to be on the same page!

• He said he read a few posts on my blog. I have to admit that the first few months that I had this blog, I hid it from him. Or I didn’t tell him about it. I don’t know why – I was embarrassed. He has made fun of bloggers, he said he thought it was stupid. But about a month ago I told him I told him I had a blog, but I didn’t tell him the website address. Again, I was embarrassed – plus I don’t exactly hold back here, I treat it like a journal. But I had it open on our main computer one day and left to run an errand or something, and he saw it. He told me last night that he read a few posts, and he thought it was good. He was impressed with how honest it was, and he even said it was well written, which surprised him – and me! He said he thought it’s a good outlet for me, and he’s glad I have it. Amazing.

• We talked about all the different alternatives with treatments and our preferences about biology and processes for children. He said that his preference is, in order: his sperm, my egg, carried by me, whether that’s through IUI or IVF; his sperm, egg donor, carried by me; his sperm, my egg, surrogate; and then adoption. I asked him if he’d be ok with a sperm donor, but he’s so proud of his sperm counts that he can’t comprehend why we couldn’t use his sperm. I don’t particularly like the idea of a surrogate for us, but he would be fine with it. It’s important for both of us to have a biological connection with our children, but I think he feels more strongly about it than I do. I know we’re still on the early part of the treatment path, as IUI’s seem to work, but I’ve always wanted to hear his opinion about what we’ll do on this path, and he finally shared his thoughts. I also asked him if he thought being childless was an option, and he said no. But he said that it’s mainly because he didn’t think it was an option for me more than him. And he’s right. It’s not an option – at least not for a long time. Throughout all this conversation about alternative treatments, he kept saying, “I could always go hump a bunch of woman. I’m willing to take one for the team!” Thanks buddy! So funny…

• Finally after a lot of liquid courage, I asked him if he thought I was going to be a good mother. He sighed, and said yes. I asked him why he said otherwise before, and he said he didn’t like it when I don’t constantly watch the puppy – you have to constantly watch a baby! I said that we’ll be the very best parents we can, but we’re human and sometimes things happen. All over the world, kids fall and hurt themselves or get into trouble when parents aren’t watching, but kids usually are ok. I said we’ll do our best, and he said ok. At some point in the middle of the night last night, I couldn’t sleep, and I suddenly remembered a story about the hubs childhood, and I asked him about it this morning. When he was about 3, his grandmother was supposed to be watching him, but didn’t. He was walking on a retaining wall outside, and fell down and hit his head, and was in a coma for a few weeks. Obviously he turned out fine, but I’m sure that story stuck with him. I asked him if that’s why he was so concerned about parents watching their kids, and he said yes. And he thinks it’s generally a good practice! I agreed with him – it is a good practice, and I promised to do my best. No wonder why he got upset when he doesn’t think I’m watching the puppy – it all makes sense to me now.

I’m so happy we had this conversation. It’s so good to hear his thoughts and feelings about what we’re doing. It would be great if we could have this kind of talk when we’re sober, but it’s a huge step. And the best part of last night’s conversation is it was very easy! A big part of that is I never got upset. I tried to allow him to say whatever he needed, and I just let him talk without judgment. I only teared up once, when he told me about the email that he keeps in his inbox, but that’s it – my tears never help our conversations. I feel like we’re completely on the same page again, and ready to go forward in our journey together. We’re part of the same team again, which is amazing.

22 comments:

  1. I am so glad you guys connected in this way. It's wonderful to know that you're on the same path, even if you are grieving in different ways.

    I just want to reach through the screen and hug you! You ARE going to get through this and become an awesome mother.

    In your defense, puppies AND babies are impossible to watch 24/7. That's why we have spouses -- to share the workload. :-)

    Hugs, and more hugs,
    Jo

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  2. I really think that Jo said it best. It's great how you both reconnected even though you're grieving in different ways. My husband sounds similar to yours in many ways and it's frustrating sometimes.

    (((HUGS)))

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  3. what a great evening for the two of you!

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  4. How wonderful that you guys were able to have this talk!!! Your DH and mine are so similar and it is like pulling teeth to get him to open up. I know that when he does it brings us so much closer.

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  5. OMG I just typed the longest comment and then it was lost for no reason. SO frustrating!! But I just wanted to let you know that I have read all the posts-sorry I missed a few but I still love you and your blog. I finally got some uninterrupted computer time now!!
    I'm so sorry about your friend's loss and yes it is scary to think it could happen to you again, but please don't worry about that just yet. I'm hoping that the blood test results are clear but if not I will be here to support you through it and the doctor will suggest a strong course of action. So glad you and your DH reconnected and got this stuff out in the open. Sounds like he was really honest which is great!
    Thinking of you :)

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  6. So happy to hear that you're back on the same page :)

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  7. Hey,
    I really hope it's gonna work out with your eggs and his sperm, I can understand that you want a biological connection.
    But even if not - please remember that the most important thing is to share love and create a loving family. That will create a much stronger bond than biology ever could.

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  8. I'm so happy for you that you were able to sit down and have a real heart to heart with your hubby. What a wonderful feeling that must be!

    And you are definitely going to be a wonderful mother! You've never done it before and are bound to make mistakes. But that is part of life and your child will turn out just fine!

    Big hugs to you!

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  9. Oh you got me tearing up. Men are so complex and it's so difficult to get the truth of how they feel out of them.. I am so glad to hear you are both on the same page. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Happy to hear you are ok.

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  10. Yeah! I'm so happy you had this good conversation.

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  11. It sounds like you had a great talk. I'm glad you were able to talk about all those things and are on the same page. So what if liquor was involved ;). Big ((HUGS))

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  12. Oh those good communication days in a marriage are wonderful. You two sounded like you really needed this time to connect - I'm so very glad you did! :)

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  13. Some of my best conversations with my hubby involve a bottle of wine (or two). If that's what it takes to re-connect, so be it. Liquor doesn't lie. I'm glad you guys were able to communicate. :)

    On a side note, I saw that you won Rain's giveaway, so when you're ready to claim your prize, drop me an email. :)

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  14. So happy you are on the same page....It is nice to feel like a union....Im glad your hubby got to share his thoughts with you because men seem to have a hard time expressing themselves and I know it makes me feel better when I know my husband shares some of the same worries and thoughts as I do:) You dont feel so alone:) Take Care:)

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  15. I'm glad you had this conversation (sometimes a little liquid lubrication is not a bad thing). And glad that you're not alone in this.

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  16. Sounds like a wonderful conversation! I'm so glad you two were able to talk and get back on the same page!

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  17. Oh Alex this is such an amazing step forward!! Of course you'll be a good mom, and of course things will happen even if you had ten eyes around your head. i love that you talked about the miscarriage and about what to do in the future. You are right and IUI has worked for you so it's very likely to work again, but I understand the need of discussing the "what ifs" and the next steps.

    Still keeping your friends in my thoughts.
    Fran

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  18. So glad to hear you and your husband had this conversation ~ sometimes a little bit of alcohol helps.

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  19. So happy to read this update. IF is so, so hard and is such a challenge to our relationships. It's great news that you and hubs are on the same page and the communication lines are open.

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  20. I'm glad you got to talk about all these issues. And what a scary story from him when he was little -- no wonder he's extra-sensitive on this. You'll be a wonderful mom.
    BTW, my husband cannot imagine donor sperm as well. Since we don't know whether the issues are mainly mine, mainly his or both, it's not a very useful discussion at the moment, but I so want to be pregnant that it kind of hurts to have him exclude that already. Well, we're still early in the process, so I hope neither you nor I need to get to this point.

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  21. I have to admit, I cried 4 different times reading this. I am so happy he is talking and showing the other side of how he feels. Discussing the what if's is a natural part of the process I think, and It allows us to know there are other options. It's scary to put all our eggs in one basket, so to speak. Your in my thoughts!

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  22. That sounds like a wonderful conversation, and a great evening. I am so happy that he opened up to you!

    E and I have had some great conversations under the influence, too. I am all for it. Nothing better than sitting around drinking and talking with anyone you love (this goes for old friends as well).

    I am super excited for you two to move forward together with this! I have lots of hope for a healthy baby in your near future.

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