Monday, August 30, 2010

Meltdown at Work

Things were going so well. Was feeling so good. I’ve been so proud of myself for holding my jealousy in, not showing it to people, not letting it affect me too much. And then today…

I have a friend that I work with named A, and she’s been a really good friend to me. Still is. Two years ago she discovered she was pregnant. Although she and her boyfriend were planning on getting married at some point, getting pregnant changed things – complete accident. But they got married when she was 4 months along (we shopped for wedding dresses together), had the baby 5 months later, and they’re very happy. She’s been an amazing friend with the infertility thing – she knows everything that goes on, she covers for me at work, she’s been great. She’s the one who held my hand and cried with me at the doctor’s office when I went to get a second opinion when my RE had told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. She’s the one who went to the hospital with me to pre-register for the D&C, and she would have gone to the D&C if my hubs wasn’t able to go. She’s been so very good to me.

She’s been talking about when she was going to have her second baby for awhile. She’s adamant that she plans exactly when she has her next baby. I know, fertile people have the craziest ideas… I told her all about temping, and cervical fluid and such. She borrowed, and still has, my Taking Charge of Your Fertility book. I told her about the app I downloaded on my iphone to track my cycles, she downloaded the same one. She has perfect cycles – she’s never late, she always ovulates on the same time, and she’s been using temping and stuff to track when she has to use a condom to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant too early.

On Friday, she told me she was having IPS – imaginary pregnancy symptoms. I had told her once about them, how our minds can convince us we’re pregnant. She said on Friday that she was late – by one day. I asked her about her cycles and tracking and sex, and she said that one day this month she cut it a little close – she had unprotected sex one time three days before ovulation. I thought about her all weekend, willing her to get her period. I asked her this morning, point blank, if she got it yet. Of course, no she didn’t get her period.

I held it together, I let her talk about it. She hasn’t tested yet, she wants to wait until later this week. I assured her that by 4 days late (today) that a HPT would be pretty darn accurate. She said she’s in denial – she didn’t want to get pregnant this early, she wanted to wait a few more months. She said she doesn’t want to tell anyone until 12 weeks. She said she screwed up by telling me on Friday about her IPS – she didn’t want to tell me this early. At one point a few months ago, she and I talked about how she should tell me she was pregnant the next time. We didn’t really agree on anything, but when she was going to start trying, we were supposed to talk about how to be sensitive to me – she’s amazing. We never had that talk. I was fine today, until she said, “It’s ok, you can be mad at me.” I said, “I’m not mad, I’m just jealous.” And then I burst into tears, and asked her to please leave my office.

I tried to get it together, wiped away the tears, went to a short meeting. And then I sent an email to the hubs telling him that A was pregnant. I told him last night about the possibility. He responded, “sorry baby.” And then I officially lost it. Practically ran to the bathroom, and sobbed in a stall for about 30 minutes – haven’t done that in awhile. This just sucks so much! I don’t understand why some people can be so freaking fertile, and others struggle so much! It just isn’t fair. And the worst part about it is that infertility has made me a bad friend. She has been nothing but good to me, and she tells me about something wonderful, and I cry! How self-absorbed can I be?

After I got back in my office, I sent her an email (can’t trust myself to talk – will likely start crying): “Sorry for my bad reaction. I really am very happy for you. I’m sorry for making it about me. I’ll be better. This is very exciting!” And proving what an awesome person she is, she responded, “I understand… I’m sorry the conversation had to happen right then… I f’d things up on Friday… wasn’t thinking… Lol, you don’t have to be better! Thank you for apologizing, but you totally could have let this one slide. I understand 100%. Thank you for being a great friend.”

Which of course made me cry more. I keep tearing up – I’m at work, have so much to get done before my vacation, and I cannot get my shit together! This sucks, it just completely sucks.

24 comments:

  1. Oh Alex! I am sorry about your rough day.

    I am glad you have such an understanding and supportive friend at work, but it is still an emotional situation.

    Thinking of you and hoping you feel better this afternoon and get stuff done!

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  2. Oh, thats awful. It's so hard to be happy and jealous at the same time (I've experienced it many times). At least your friend is understanding of your situation. I hope you feel better soon.

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  3. Oh my friend, I am so sorry!!! It's difficult to be an IFer in a fertile world! There has been many days when I have felt just as fragile and upset! I am sending you big hugs and I hope your day/week looks up from here.

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  4. What a tough situation, I am so sorry. But it is great that your friend is being understanding, and knows where she went wrong. I hope when the time is right you have another conversation with her about how you guys will be able to balance her happy updates with your struggle. Awesome that you guys already started talking about that.

    I hope you're doing okay.

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  5. I am sorry. Like Rain Child said, it is difficult to be an IFer in a fertile world. It is SO unfair! Maybe you needed to let some emotion out, I know its never easy especially at work.
    Sounds like your friend is a good one.
    3 more days!!

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  6. What a fantastic friend. People like her are 1 in a million.
    I've been there.. the sobbing uncontrollably over someone elses pregnancy.
    It's hard to deal with this.. Big Hugs!

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  7. I am so sorry Alex and have certainly been there before. Sometimes it is easier when your friends actually does the wrong things b/c then you can be angry instead of sad/jealous. The unfareness of the world is made so acutely aware to us during this process. I am glad you have your vaca coming up and can just get away from it all. thinking of you.....

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  8. I'm so sorry you're going through this but it sounds like both of you are very understanding with each other! I hope your vacation rejuvenates you!! Hugs to you!

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  9. That sounds so rough-- I am so glad you get to get away for the next few weeks and not think about her. When you get back I am sure you'll be more collected and used to the idea. It truly is not fair that this is so easy for some and so hard for others. I just know your BFP is coming soon, and then you'll be happy to have a pregnancy buddy-- but right now, it really really sucks.

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  10. I'm so sorry, but I'm glad you have such a dear friend. Don't beat yourself up for your reaction. She understands that you can be a good friend in a million other ways- but this time you may need a little distance. She loves you, let her love comfort you and forgive yourself.

    Getting pregnant too soon. Pshhhhhh. Must be a nice problem to have.

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  11. I am so, so sorry. I too have had coworkers and close friends/ IF supports get pregnant so many times. (Without any problem). And it's just so hard, and my heart broke reading this. It really sucks, it really does. I think it's good you apologized to her, but at the same time, I think your reaction is pretty normal. Many hugs to you Alex...
    Jess

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  12. Oh I am so sorry. I have watched all of my daughters friends mothers get pregnant and have additional children this past year. It is so hard. Thinking about you.

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  13. You're right. It completely and absolutely sucks. I'm so, so sorry. She's a good friend for being understanding but don't doubt for a minute that you're a good friend, too.

    (((HUGS)))

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  14. You are an amazing friend. I don't think I could have made it though the rest of the work day after that, let alone stick it out and e-mail her an apology. This sucks, Alex. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

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  15. Alex,
    Don't be down on yourself for being a bad friend. I don't even know you in person but I can tell what kind of person you are. We both found out we were pregnant within a few days of each other and even with your misfortune, you have continued to comment on my blog. I lost so many followers and commenters after moving a few weeks into pregnancy but I can name a few girls still trying their hearts out that still comment and stop by-this includes you. It's obvious you have a big heart. Don't be down on yourself please. Pick your chin up and be proud of the stand up friend you are despite all you have going on. Your friend sounds amazing but you are equally so. I would be proud to call you my friend, you're already my blog buddy! :)

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  16. It is just SO unfair that it's so easy for some people, but not for us. It just sucks. I'm glad you have such a good friend to support you though. Take care of yourself today and look forward to that vacation!!

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  17. Oh, that's just so upsetting. I know that has got to be so difficult and, of course, since she is such a considerate person it somehow makes it worse because then you feel guilty for feeling bad! Giant ((hugs))

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  18. It is so unfair... But at least you have a close friend who shows you understanding and compassion. And the sudden tears -- I can so relate. I've had many many of those. Hugs.

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  19. I'm so sorry!!! I would have lost it too, it's so not fair at all!!! =(

    She sounds like an amazing friend. I'm sure you are just as amazing!

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  20. It's not self-absorbed, Alex. It's just still very, very raw. And someone else getting pregnant by accident when we try and try...well, it hurts!! I'm glad she's been a good friend - and a support - but I can completely understand your reaction. Completely.

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  21. Sometimes I find that human kindness is the toughest thing of all to take. But spontaneous, unintentional fertility is a close second. Okay, maybe those two could switch places. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this, especially in addition to the accumulation of *stuff* that needs doing before you go away. (((Hugs)))

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  22. You are not a bad friend just in a bad situation at the time...and I am glad your friend is good enough friend and smart enough friend to understand what you are going through...Its OK...dont beat yourself up so so much....You were just in shock and reacted but going back to her was the right thing to do and just being honest with her:) But I do agree that it does suck that some people can have babies left and right and for others its years....One of my good friends tried one month after getting off of the pill and was prego the next month...same month I had had yet another m/c....So its ok to react this way sometimes human nature girlie:)

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  23. Oh Alex what a tough day you had. Like A said, you are not a bad friend and you don't have to "be better". Real friends understand or at least try to uderstand what's it like for us IF girls and are careful around us because they don't want to hurt our feelings.. they also don't get mad when we cry in front of them when they tell us they are pregnant... they love us for who we are.

    Sending you a Massive HUG! Not too long till your holiday, hang in there sweetie!!

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  24. I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I can totally relate. Hang in there.

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