Monday, December 20, 2010

Let’s Start Over

Thanks to everyone for your nice comments about my testing escapades. Let’s face the facts – I tested too early. And kept testing. Tested again today – negative. And I completely worked myself into a tizzy. Which led to expressing my negative thoughts. Which led to a fight with the hubs – it was bad. “Alex, I’m sick of dealing with your negativity, for two fucking years!” Ah yes dear, we’re both sick of infertility, we’re both sick of dealing with this, and we’re both sick of my negativity. Maybe I should have shared more of the positivity I had last week…

So after the blow-up this morning, and lots of tears on my part, I wrote him an email. The subject was “You’re right” (always a good way to start out an email, or any conversation after a fight). And then I said, “I shouldn’t have tested so early. Tonight I’ll give you my remaining tests and you should hide them. And I won’t buy any more. I test early to try to prevent the meltdown at work and try to get used to the idea that it won’t work over time, but I should instead assume everything’s ok and I’m pregnant until the doctor says otherwise. I’ll try to do this. OK?” And he said OK.

And then I went to the doctor to get my blood drawn, just to have my hormone levels OTHER than hCG monitored (everything looks fine). And they said my official blood test won’t be until 14 days after the transfer, which would be the 26th, but they’re closed then so come in on the 27th. Are you freaking kidding me??? I have to wait another week??? I know that there are other clinics that do this, but I didn’t think mine would create so much torture in my life! I really thought I would know, for sure, at Christmas. I figured that I would spend Christmas Eve by myself in one of two ways: (1) pregnant, gently holding my belly and talking to my embryos, maybe lighting some candles and having a nice evening looking at the Christmas tree and dreaming of next Christmas with my baby(ies), or (2) not pregnant, drunk as a skunk, on the floor sobbing into my dogs' fur… Now I get to spend the time trying to keep myself from tearing the house apart trying to find the HPT tests, or going to the store, and breaking my promise to the hubs. Good times.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week. Unbelievable torture! In other news, I’ve had a headache since Saturday. I took two Tylenol yesterday, and it didn’t help. My boobs have hurt since Friday. And today I started feeling nauseous. I would feel great about these “symptoms” except the image of that glaring white space next to the one line on the test keeps popping up in my head. And the fact that I know that all this progesterone and estrogen I’m taking can play some serious mind tricks. And the fact that I know I’ve done this to myself before – completely convinced myself that I was pregnant based on stupid symptoms, and then found out it was all in my head. And the worst question - how can I have these symptoms when I obviously don't have enough hCG in my system to register on a pee stick? I wish I could fast-forward a week. I don’t care about Christmas, I don’t care about anything, I just want it to be next Monday, and receive that call from the nurse telling me I’m pregnant, and my hCG numbers are super high!

32 comments:

  1. did your clinic explain why you have to wait so damn long for a beta test?? i'm still holding out hope for you that somehow the lupron trigger brings on lower beta levels or something. i don't understand this. i'm soo sorry you're sitting here in limbo land alex. sending big big big hugs and thinking of you :o) ps - i'm just hanging around town for the holidays, so if you are feeling down and need an ear, email me and i'll respond right back :o) xoxo.

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  2. I am so glad I'm not the only one who hears the "you're so fucking negative" from her husband! I know he loves me but seriously, if he tells me one more time to be positive I will punch him.

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  3. Hang in there - I know a week seems like eternity, but try your best to not worry. I'm sending you lots of positives vibes!

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  4. Sigh. I am so sorry Alex. That is extremely weird to test 14 days post transfer instead of 14 days post Retrieval. After my last IVF, I do not think too kindly on testing. Because once I see a negative, I feel crazy. And same thing plays out with hubby.

    I can say this, First Response Early Response taken at 14 days post retrieval will be 98% effective, as per the research. So, I hope somehow you are in that smaller percentage. I wish I could be more sugar-coaty, but after all I've been through, I don't have it me any more. I know how it feels, and I wanted people to be honest with me. So, I am not saying your chances are impossible, I am just saying a FRER at Day 13 is pretty reliable. (Something like 90%.) In testing, they were not shown to give false positives. Maybe Sienna is right and there is something about the Lupron trigger?

    Also, if you want to put yourself out of this misery, a FRER at 14/15 days after Retrieval will be effective. I hate to think of you suffering through Christmas.

    Progesterone can and will give you all of the symptoms you mentioned- it's why I was convinced in November. It's just brutally unfair. It hurts to think that a perfectly wonderful looking IVF couldn't work out? I completely can relate, it's where I am right now, and I really hope you won't be joining me.

    I also can relate to the emotion I can sense in the last paragraph of what you wrote. Waiting is just so hard, it makes us feel kinda crazy. Many hugs to you, and hope you beat the odds!

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  5. I've heard the "you're so fucking negative" comment too... isn't it great? Sometimes I think my hubs just wants me to be happy all of the time - like a cartoon character or something. I have to explain - this is life, not everyone is happy all of the damn time...get over it buddy! Anyway - I'm sorry you have to wait FOREVER for the Beta...that sucks. Try to occupy yourself with something...it is Xmas after all! I'm thinking of you! Good luck with the headache.

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  6. oh dear, im sorry. everything you say sounds exactly like me. feeling sick is a good sign though. I keep thinking my temp is up, im prob going mad. it's so hard waiting. good luck to you. stay strong

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  7. ARGH! 14DPT? That's ridiculous. And just plain mean. I'm sorry you have to wait that long,

    As to the negative thing, I totally hear you. It's been a topic lately at my house too. :-/ I'm just not a glass-half-full gal. Add IF to the mix and, well, you know...

    Hang in there. I've been thinking of you.

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  8. I agree with Glass Case-- I don't think you should be tortured waiting through Christmas when a hpt will most likely tell you the story by then... This sucks. Not that I want you to spend Christmas sobbing into your dogs' fur, but I don't want you to spend it anxious and fretful either. I think you should call your clinic and ask why you have to wait so long for the beta.

    I wish you didn't have to go through the holidays like this... and if things are indeed negative, I want you to at least be able to get drunk. I hate this for you.

    I know I said I thought yesterday was probably just too early, but today I was hoping for a faint positive, and if you didn't get one by tomorrow, I'd really start to think... I think you should keep testing (since you started) and start over with the no-test plan next cycle (I still very much hope that there is no next cycle, though).

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  9. ok, we tried for 10 months to get pregnant and every month that I peed on that damn stick of hell and saw the one line and then squinted until I thought I could see another line or was going blind, I earned the right to freak out and be upset. Being pregnant I have earned the right to be upset and scared and worry about things. Tell hubs to shove it, and go fly a kite with his optimism, you'll be optimistic NEXT week. That's my two cents anyways... but I agree with everyone else, that sucks that the beta is SO far away. It will pass quickly. Go drive around a couple nights and try to find the super badly decorated houses. Go see a movie... go check out some optimistic books in the library and leave them strategically placed around the house :) whatever you do, just breathe... and don't make too much of a mess when you start to look for those hpt's :)

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  10. I am so sorry about the extra waiting. That totally sucks. Is there no way to have the beta on 12/24 or 12/23?
    I think it is good that you gave the tests to your husband at least for now.
    I am continuing to hold hope for you! hang in there.

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  11. I say, WTF? Why are they waiting so long to do a blood test? Mine is scheduled for the 27th, and I had my transfer today. I don't get it, but again, I am just a crazy infertile.

    That being said, your "symptoms" sounds suspicious. Let's hope for two BFP on December 27th. We'll do a virtual toast then! Hang on, my friend.

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  12. Hmmm...here's a thought. Maybe you can call your regular OB and say you are late and s/he can order a beta test. Your embies should have implanted within 48 hours after transfer. You should have some hcg in your system, although not enough for a pee test to pick up.

    Ok. I'll shut up now.

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  13. Man, that's a long time to wait. So sorry about that! I'm with the pp's -- by 14 days past transfer, you can test your own damn self!!

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  14. Oh, I agree with My Vegas. Trick your OB into testing you. 14 DPT is absurd!

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  15. Ugh, extra waiting = torture.

    My husband tells me he wishes I weren't so absorbed by the infertility fight. That it didn't affect me as much. Well, I guess I wish it didn't either, but it's not exactly realistic. We both agreed (and continue to agree) that it made sense for me to quit my job since it was stressful, not making me happy, and hard to juggle with IVF craziness. But it does mean our IVF cycles are the dominant activity in my life. Blargh (my word of the day).

    *hugs* Sending good thoughts your way!

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  16. Hang in there, Alex. I wish I had more to offer than virtual *hugs*. That kind of waiting would drive me absolutely nuts.

    If it was me, I think I would tell my doctor that I was going to be alone for Christmas and needed to know if I should be celebrating or drowning my sorrows, then beg for a pre-Christmas beta. Sometimes, people are sympathetic . . .

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  17. Wow, that's a long wait! But I think that if you make it to the 27th with no period in sight, you've got a very good chance of it being a BFP. I would be very tempted to POAS sooner... But I don't know if it would be worse to know it's a BFN and be alone for Christmas or to still be in limbo and have hope. I might choose the hope, actually, but being able to drink wouldn't be that big of a deal to me.

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  18. Just do it, test the minute your DH leaves on Christmas Eve. I know that is awful, but really you should be able to enjoy your Christmas, whether it be patting your belly or wasted on the floor crying.
    Nothing is worse than not knowing.

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  19. Hey Alex, my clinic also makes you wait for 14 day post transfer-reason being 75% of embryos typically don't make it (normal cycle!!) so they feel waiting until the 14th day, will decrease the amount of false positives (or chemical pregs). It was a TERRIBLE wait esp with others testing at day 10.

    Also, unfortunately, that lovely progesterone mimicks early preg symptoms like whoa!!! I completely convinced myself I was pregnant, especially after I passed my normal 27th cycle day. We were told the cycle would be normal by the nurses, on day 32 when we found have the labs drawn and found our it didn't work was when the MD told me the drugs could/would extend your cycle.

    Ugggg...all these mind games and lack of info upfront KILLED ME!!! HOWEVER, I think you should spend Christmas with option one. Talk to those babies daily as though they are growing and they will here that love and WANT to grow and stay with ya :) Wishin you the BEST of luck!!!

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  20. I am so sorry you have to wait so long!!! This is just terrible. Wish I had something better to say than thinking of you.

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  21. Oh, honey, what a HUGE bummer to have to waitandwaitandwait and not to know something by Christmas. The image of you spending the holiday sobbing into your dogs' fur was almost too sad to bear; is there any way you could go with hubs to see his fam? It may be too late to make those plans, but if you don't know anything by then, you won't technically be breaking the no-travel-during-early-pregnancy rule...Just a thought.

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  22. Oh wow, 14dpt seems like such a long time to wait - especially hard because of the holiday. Hang in there the best you can! I'd test if it was me but I'm a dyed in the wool POAS addict so I'm a terrible influence....

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  23. Oh this stinks...Waiting that long to do a Beta is crazy!!! I would just demand a test....and just tell them the truth you want to know...Man I hope they test you so you can know for certain

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  24. Hey Alex
    I can totally relate to this fight. I had it with my DH too. It started when he found me in the kitchen crying for like the 10th time during the 2ww. This is an incredibly stressful time and you are doing so amazing keeping the lines of communication open. I have to second the comment above from glass case. Use FRER 14 days post and it will be very close to accurate. I understand you giving the HPT's to Hubby but you need to know by Xmas, I think that is totally fair. Take care, I will be thinking of you all the time and waiting for more updates.
    love

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  25. Woops that above comment is from me-Dh was logged in!! Did I mention it's past my bedtime?
    xx

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  26. Ohhh Alex! I hope time passes quickly for you!

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  27. Sweetie hang in there. two weeks after a 5dt is just crazy, specially when you had an ectopic pregnancy before! I would test on friday and if it's negative than drink as much as you want! I know it's so hard to understand why it may not work, it was the same for me in January as my third fresh cycle failed. I always got pregnant on fresh cycles!! ok it was ectopic but still. On the other hand I NEVER got pregnant on FETs so imagine my surprise when the little one stuck around! I realised there is no real explanation, every cycle is unique and the outcome can be different independently on how good everything was. I'm sending you huge hugs and positive thoughts. Fran

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  28. Ugh, what a long wait. I am sorry you have to endure this Alex! The waiting (aside from the m/c) was the worst!!! I would test on Friday too. Thinking of you and sending you loads of love!!!!

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  29. Waiting until Monday sounds terrible -- I would probably test by Friday or so, and then you can either be hopeful or get drunk. Spending Christmas on your own in limbo, no thanks.
    Thinking of you, and sending many positive vibes towards the little embryos!

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  30. Actually, my clinic had me not get beta drawn until 15 days post transfer. So, I guess they just want to be sure. Hang in there. I know this is hard. And, oh, btw, totally get you on the negativity thing (as you well know). It's great that you sent that email to your husband. I'm sure he appreciated it. And, yes, it's really hard to remember to mention the positives when you're feeling them. It still seems unnatural to me, but I'm trying to force them out anyhow. I think of it as banking them with my husband against the negative ones! :-)

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  31. Waiting is lame, keep yourself super busy lovely lady.

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  32. So, I'm pretty much horrified that they're making you wait this long:( It really isn't fair. Not remotely. But I'm going to hope for you. HARD.

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