Monday, December 27, 2010

Officially Over

I just got the call. My beta officially proved that I'm not pregnant - IVF #1 didn't work. I'm not surprised, I had given up on Friday when I tested negative, but I hate how optimistic and hopeful I can be, because I kept playing out fantasies in my head, what if I was wrong???  And so all weekend, and especially today, I still hoped. I hate this about me, that I can work myself up and continue to have hope even when all evidence points the other way. I guess this is what keeps me going through all this mess. 

I need to schedule a consult with my doc, and I suppose we'll just go forward with a frozen transfer. I have to wait a month to do this, right? I think people usually have a cycle that's unmedicated before going forward with frozen, right?

The problem with going forward with frozen is it's less successful than fresh, and I keep getting older, and then what Dr. Sher said keeps coming up in my head. He said that given my LH levels are higher than my FSH levels on day 3, he recommends Lupron before stimming, and if you don't do this, it could affect egg quality. My local doc doesn't agree, but what if it's true? The 9 frozen embryos wouldn't be any better than the 2 that didn't make it, and they were fresh!

All I know is I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of trying to get pregnant. I know I have a few more rounds of this battle in me, but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. We just did the most effective thing you can do to have a baby, and it didn't work. I know we have to just keep going and continue to try, but for how long? I wish I knew this was worth it, because today I'm not so sure.  

36 comments:

  1. Alex, I've been out of internet range and so am just posting now. I'm so sorry. It's unspeakably disappointing to go through the process and end up with a negative at the end of it. I hadn't heard that about Lupron for egg quality when the LH is higher than the FSH. Will investigate that.

    So sorry that you had to spend your weekend on the razor's edge of waiting. I know you know it's negative when you see the HPT, but I also know that it's impossible not to still have a tiny bit of hope that the beta will show something else. Thinking of you.

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  2. Oh no. I'm so sorry. This just flat out sucks.

    Take some time to consider how you're feeling about all of this when you're ready. Maybe for your sanity you need a break? Maybe you want to go on, full speed ahead and add Lupron. Or maybe it's somewhere in between. That's ok.

    (((HUGS))) to you. I wish there were more I could say.

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  3. ugh, I am so sorry to hear this, even though I know it was the most likely outcome. I think there is a tiny bit of hope in all of us, otherwise we would have all given up a long time ago. I wish your RE's agreed and know that every doc seems to have their own approach. Just know that there are no right answers and you just have to go with your best instinct. If I had forzen embryos, I would very much want to move forward with at least one FET. I do think that waiting at least one cycle is about right. I imagine that you and your body need some time to regroup.
    thinking of you...

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  4. I am so sorry that this cycle didn't work for you. It doesn't help that your docs have different ideas of how to proceed. It's so hard to have to weigh options and make the choice of how you want to be treated when everyone has a different opinion. There is always that part of you that wonders, "What if the treatment I decided against was the right one after all? What if I'm not really doing absolutely everything I can to get/stay pregnant?" (((Hugs))) The decision making process is so hard!

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  5. I have the same battle with being positive-it gets you through but hurts so much more when u r let down :(. I found out 11/3 our fresh didn't work and will have our frozen transfer 1/20. Everyone needs a different amount of time between but a normal cycle was recommended. Keep your head up! I have the same thoughts on the frozen but keep reminding myself if they didn't workthey wouldn't do them. Our RE and Sher both have a lot of faith in them and have seen too many to count positive frosties after negative fresh. Good luck and sending hugs...

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  6. Giant (((hugs))) sweetie. I'm so sorry.

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  7. I know how you feel. It's so draining. I hope it's all worth it for you! <3

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  8. Alex, I'm very sorry about the positive BFN (what an oxymoron). I was really pulling for you. I totally understand the hope thing. My husband and I are trying on our own this cycle (ha), and I'm in the TWW. I know the chances are about 1%, but I can't help being hopeful nonetheless. Sometimes you need hope to get through all this crap that is IF, though. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

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  9. I am so sorry Alex. I hope the doctor and provide some answers for you.

    hugs

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear this Alex. Hang in there and keep trying...your miracle is right around the corner!

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  11. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry this is how it turned out. Totally sucks. :( Sending biiiig (((HUGS))).

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  12. Hi, stopping by for ICLW. I am so sorry about your bad news today. I am the same way as so, I don't give up until I have to. I can have all the proof in front of me, but until I hear it from the nurse's mouth, I have hope. If it is any comfort, my ivf faile and my fet that followed was successful. Best wishes to you. ICLW #69

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  13. (((Hugs))) I'm so sorry, Alex. I am sure TONS of us are the same way with that glimmer of hope until the fat lady sings. I know I am!

    FETs can certainly work even when fresh C's fail! If your plan is to keep trying for a few more cycles, I say keep your chin up and keep hoping. You might as well, right? Hang in there friend.

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  14. Alex, I am so sorry. Reproduction seems to be such a crap shoot and it sucks. At my last RE appointment my doctor talked about how inefficient human reproduction is, therefore when you get help with so many steps it amps up your hope because it aids in the process. Take time to decide what you want, in the mean time be good to yourself. I just poured a glass of wine and I am drinking to you! (((hugs)))

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  15. I'm really, really sorry Alex. Please know I'm sending you positive vibes for the next cycle.

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  16. I'm sorry the cycle didn't work. Sometimes it takes a cycle for your body to get use to the drugs, etc. Whatever you decide to do next, I pray that it will work for you. I know how frustrating it can be. It took three rounds of IVF for me to say that the I was going to be done with it after that. (My last IVF cycle resulted in a BFP). Don't give up hope.

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  17. I'm so sorry. I wish this was easier. Wishing you the best and hoping that it'll only take one more shot.

    p.s. I do the exact same thing with the hoping until the very end.

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  18. Sorry this one didn't work. *hugs* It's a slog, that's for sure.

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  19. I'm very sorry for the way this turned out. And I definitely have my days where I question if this is all worthwhile. Hang in there!

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  20. I'm so sorry. As my fertility doc once told me, it might just not have been the "right" embryos, so don't think that just because they're frozen that they won't work as well.

    Best wishes!

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  21. You are in my thoughts...I am so, so sorry.

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  22. I'm sorry to hear about the BFN. I have found that when the 1st IVF cycle doesn't work, it's the most painful emotionally because naturally, you expect it to work--it's a huge increase in technology and success rates. Hopefully, you won't have any more failures, but if you do, they won't be as bad as this one. Hang in there!

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  23. I like that you had hope. I think you should hold onto it. Hope feels good. I'm sorry about your BFN lovely lady.

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  24. Hey Alex,
    I am so sorry about the BFN. I am also sorry this comment is a bit belated, crazy holiday times sorry. I wanted to specifically comment on your last paragraph. I have heard varying things about FET's but most of it is all positive, basically FET's aren't statistics wise as good as fresh cycles but many people still fall pregnant from them. I've also heard from a fellow IVF'er that because there is less messing with your hormones this helps FET's be more succesful. Anyway I know how hard this battle is and I don't think you should give up hope just yet. Hang in there. Take care
    xxoo

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  25. I feel your pain and am truly sorry that your IVF wasn't successful. I can totally relate to your tiredness and frustrations. Don't give up! Easier said than done, but just keep saying perseverance! Thinking of you...

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  26. i'm sooo sorry for this alex. i completely don't understand. i hope your followup appt can shed some light on all of this. i wouldn't worry AT ALL about the quality of those frozen blasts though. you wouldn't have gotten such a high fertilization rate, much less ANY blasts to freeze unless they were at the very least a decent quality. i dunno why, but so many girls have better success with FET's. could be the overstimming during the natural ivf's, who knows. but i have SOOOOOO much hope for you that this is gonna work for you. and VERY SOON, at that. hope your xmas turned out to be a-okay and glad that hubby's back home with you now :o) xoxo.

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  27. I think that you will have better luck with FET-- I bet you are one of those people who don't get pregnant as easily when your body is so medicated. Now you have those embryos, and I bet one of them is going to stick. I have read SO many blogs where people got pregnant off their FET and not off their fresh cycle.

    I can imagine how painful this is, and I feel awful that it all had to go down over the holidays. What a bunch of crap. I'm thinking of you...

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  28. I'm sorry :( *hug*

    I am the same way with hope. Even when I know it's basically impossible, I still manage to work myself up with hope. It's so frustrating. I often wish that I could just somehow know that I would be a parent eventually - it would make this torture much easier to bare. You are not alone.

    FET is definitely worth a try. I've read about many women who have gotten pregnant from them.

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  29. I'm so very sorry, Alex!! Thinking of you and wishing you many hugs....

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  30. Huge ((((hugs)))). Hang in there, and keep the faith that one of those embabies in the freezer is your baby(s)!

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  31. I'm so, so sorry Alex. Huge hugs to you :-(

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  32. I'm sorry to read this. That sucks!

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  33. I'm sorry that it didn't work. It's just hard and unfair. To have hope all the way is something I do recognize. It often makes the fall worse. But still, very common I think, because it's a way of believe.

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