Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Welcome, ICLW!

Here we are, in December. Oh what a year. The quick recap for this year: 3 IUI’s, the first turned into an ectopic pregnancy, the second I got pregnant, and I lost my dear baby at 8 ½ weeks, and the third IUI was a BFN. I’m in the middle of the THREE week wait of my first IVF – today is 9 days past 5 day transfer. Beta next Monday. Started the year off as unexplained infertility, have been diagnosed with compound heterozygous for MTHFR and activated Natural Killer cells.

Those are the stats – now the real stuff is I’m not feeling very optimistic about my chances with this IVF. I had a testing fiasco this weekend, and the last test was yesterday, at 13 days past retrieval, 8 days past a 5 day transfer. And they were all negative. The hubs and I got into a big fight about it, and I agreed to not test any more.

I appreciate everyone’s comments about testing. It really is beneficial to hear about other people’s experiences and research. I had a long talk about it with my therapist last night, and then shared your comments and my therapist’s opinion with the hubs last night when I got home. He has such a hard time with sharing his feelings – just like a lot of men out there. He is still very optimistic, and he wants to trust our doctor – if the doctor says we can’t know until this weekend at the earliest, then that’s the way it is. So I told him he could be optimistic, but I didn’t have to be. It’s too hard to have hope, and then have my hopes dashed – that was what was happening with the testing – I was cycling through hope and despair several times a day! Every morning, I’d wake up real early, and think “today could be the day, I could find out I’m pregnant. Oh, what if it’s true, what if I’m pregnant? I really want to find out!” And then I would test, and then it would be negative, and I’d be crushed. And then later in the day, I’d convince myself that it was too early, that maybe tomorrow it will be positive. I can’t do this anymore. With the help of my therapist, I’ve decided that I’m just going to try to accept that this cycle didn’t work. It’s too hard otherwise. And if by some chance I get a beta on Monday that says otherwise, it will just be a wonderful surprise. (By the way, I called the nurse yesterday afternoon and begged for an early beta. They’re closed on Thursday and Friday, and they really believe Wednesday is too early – no more explanation than that.)

Somehow after changing my mindset, I feel better today. I didn’t test, and the hubs hadn’t even hid my tests. And I didn’t really want to test either. I may try to convince the hubs that we should test on Friday morning before he leaves. But I may wait until Monday. We’ll see. For now, I’m sad, and that’s ok too. We have plans for the future – I have nine frozen embryos waiting for me. But somehow I’ll make it through this week, and start really planning for the future next week, whatever future that may be.

29 comments:

  1. I'm glad that changing your mindset is making it a little easier. Good luck with the rest of the wait. ((hugs))

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  2. I am so impressed with your attitude and grace in all of this.

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  3. I agree with you-- the only reason to test is to have a drink!! If you don't REALLY need a drink, I say skip it. If you really need a drink, the bfn isn't so harsh on the eyes... :)

    Here I sound like a raging alcoholic, but I think most people in blogland here know how those last couple of days go... UGH!!!!

    I hope that if this cycle DOESN'T work, it's because of the toll it took on your body to produce 29 (!!!) eggs-- So the FET will be a sure thing. BUT more so, I really just hope your office is right and Wednesday is too early...

    xoxox

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  4. Oh Alex, I am sorry you are sad. It is good you were able to see your therapist and talk it out. I hope the change in mindset continues to be a comfort and that the rest of your wait flies by. xoxo.

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  5. Alex, You have a great attitude and no matter what you will have many, many chances for a BFP, if you don't have one already. I say that with hesitation, the bfp part, because I know how difficult it is to have your hopes dashed. But I can't help have some hope, you know me, I tend to be the eternal optimist.
    With you in thought. Lots of love to you!

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  6. Good for you Alex.
    What a great outlook.

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  7. Here from ICLW. Wishing you lots of luck!!!!

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  8. Ok. They are closed. That makes sense since it is Xmas time.

    You are a very strong person. I admire your perserverance.

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  9. The testing BFN's sound rough. But it is still AMAZING that you had 9 eggs so stellar that they made it for freezing. you may be preggo, but even if you are not, you are not without hope, and that is a great thing.

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  10. I'm glad you are feeling better today, Alex. **hugs**

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  11. Hi Alex, I'm Lex and dropping in for ICLW. I'm very sorry for all you've been through this year. Testing is tough! I'm 11 DPO and got into a huge fight with DH about testing early, too. I got a BFN :(

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  12. Oh, I can relate to the positive attitude husband vs. our pessimistic one. There's no right approach. It's not like being negative about it all is going to change the outcome (unless you believe in "The Secret").

    To test or not to test, that is the question. Ultimately the beta will give you the true answer. I've tried it all: testing, not testing, re-testing.

    Most importantly, you do have 9 (yes, count with me. 9!) frozen embies and there's a lot of hope there. I'll be thinking of you.

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  13. My husband is an eternal optimist too!

    Testing or not testing won't actuall affect the outcome, is what I tell myself (while desperately trying not to accidentally pee on a stick).

    And the 9 little back-ups are waiting if needed.

    Best of luck!

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  14. Do you have Skype? We have been forecasted as much as a foot of snow on Christmas Eve, which will nix all of our travel plans. If I'm stuck at home maybe we can have a Skype date : P

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  15. I think I would probably do what you're doing, too. Accept that the cycle's a BFN and move on. But it's really hard not to keep that potential surprise in the back of your mind, as much as you don't want to. In any case, I really hope Christmas Eve & Christmas aren't too hard for you home alone.

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  16. I'm sorry it has taken such a harsh toll on your relationship, I understand the crazy wish of to just wanna know if it worked or not! I think you are very strong if you can hold it and wait. That's the longest time ever, I can only imagine!

    By the way, what is ICLW? I get it's something about commenting week but how does it work?

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  17. Thanks for stopping by, I hope we both get BFP's on Monday!

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  18. Hello! Here for ICLW. I understand about the difficulty cycling from hope to despair. I like to have long-term optimism but short-term negativity - it gets me through. Best of luck to you!

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  19. This is so grueling...Man girlie you a strong...I was a POAS crazy lady...it was bad...Good for you and I hope you still get your BFP but if not you have so much oppurtunity ahead of you:)

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  20. Sadness is part of the process and it's good that you're not denying your feelings because bottling them up does you no favours in the future.

    I hope you get that BFP!!


    ~Happy ICLW~
    #14 http://themissruby.blogspot.com/

    ~May your Christmas be filled with Peace~
    ~And your New Year with Hope~

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  21. Happy ICLW!! I've had a surprisingly shitty 2010 too(two late first trimester losses), the things you never see coming.

    After being bashed around a bit, I really do not know what is the right attitude to have. I've struggled with trying to decide whether positivity or negativity would hurt me less. Then I realized, neither really help. The solution I've come up is almost undoable, but here it is- be unemotional. Do whatever you have to do, but distance yourself emotionally until you are positive of the outcome (ie a viable pregnancy). I'm genuinely trying to implement this myself, but would be very surprised if I succeeded.

    Best of luck for the POAS- hope your Christmas and new years are happy ones.

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  22. Best of luck. I hope you get a positive beta on Monday. Early testing is the devil - don't give in!!

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  23. Glad you're feeling better and I will be holding out hope for Monday!

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  24. sending you tons of hugs this holiday season.

    I am sending you some baby dust in hopes you get a Christmas miracle

    Happy Holidays and Happy ICLW
    #50

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  25. Really hoping for you! I know how crappy that hope-despair cycle (great way to describe it) can be for me, I can't imagine how it is after an IVF. I say feel free to feel sad or happy or excited - everyone deals with this stuff differently. How you felt in the few days leading up to beta won't change the outcome and you certainly shouldn't be worried about feeling a certain way. Sending *hugs*!

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  26. ((Hugs)) You can do it! (That was in the voice of Rob Schneider aka Waterboy) Imagine him in a cheerleader outfit. Aha! Made ya laugh! :-)

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  27. Hugs, Alex. It's hard to keep our OWN hearts and heads in the same place, and I think it's very common for a woman's partner's head and heart to be in a different place. Hoping hard for you.

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  28. Here from ICLW...

    So sorry about the BFN. Read your most recent post as well, and I sure hope you get your Christmas miracle, you just never know!!

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