I don't know what I was thinking. I offered to host a baby shower for my friend that is having twins (accidentally!!!) a long time ago. It was before my first IVF. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be pregnant by now.
As it got closer, I started to worry about the shower. But I figured I could handle it. I'm strong, right? My friend wanted to do the shower either this weekend or next. Knowing my IVF schedule, I asked for it to be this weekend - tomorrow - instead of next. I have my beta on Friday. I knew that if it was negative, there was no way I could host a shower the next day. I figured that it would be easier during the 2WW. I thought it would be fine, it would be hard, but I could do it.
I needed to go to Target today to get some stuff off my friend's registry, and I asked the hubs to go with me. I explained it was going to be hard, so I really wanted him to come with me. He agreed, and we stopped at Petmart first. When we came out to the car, it wouldn't start! 3 year old car/battery! So while hubs waited for the tow truck, he suggested I walk to Target (not far) and shop without him. I didn't want to go by myself, but it seemed silly. Seriously, why couldn't I print off a registry and buy a couple baby gifts by myself?
I held myself together, but as I wandered the baby aisles, I could feel a lump in my throat start to swell. And then I wanted to get some matching outfits for the 2 boys. As I perused the clothes, it started to get worse. Finally I knew I had to get out of there. I was fine and didn't shed a tear, was pleasant to the cashier who couldn't figure out how to take items off the registry. Held myself together until I saw the hubs. I was pushing my cart toward the car and he asked what was wrong. Suddenly I burst into tears and said, "I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow!"
I really don't. There's going to be at least four kids under five years old, and I think I might be the only non-mom there. At least it's not at my house, but I still am supposed to be hosting. Which means I probably shouldn't be hiding in the bathroom sobbing during the whole thing!
I can't believe I'm doing this. But I thought that I was past this, that I could handle situations like this. Turns out I'm not as strong as I thought. I know I'll make it through. But I also know that it will be one of the hardest things I will have to do.
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ReplyDeleteI remember you bringing this up before. I am so sorry. I have no advice for you, except to fake an illness or something and get the hell out of that thing.
I wish for you to find the strength to go through the day.
Maybe you need a boost of moral. I always think of Charlotte in Sex and the City and that episode when, despite just having a miscarriage, she decides to go to Brady's 1st bday after watching an Elizabeth Taylor biography. We all need our Liz.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
(((Hugs))) You will just do it. Some where deep inside yourself you will find the strength I know you have. I hope you know there are many of us thinking about you and helping you make it through what we know will be a difficult day.
ReplyDeleteI just hosted a baby shower for my good friend, and it was tough! Buying gifts and decorating was one of the hardest parts. I spent some time with a lump in my throat too. You are a wonderful friend for doing this! You will make it through and we are all going to keep you in our thoughts!!!
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs to you!!
You'll dig deep and get through it. Being strong in public is different from not breaking down when it's all over. Try to give yourself a treat before and/or after the party, so you're day isn't all about your friend.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is, even though you're hosting, the party is really about your friend. People will be watching her more than you. As hostess, you might be able to find some excuses, having to do with keeping the party running smoothly, that take you out of the main action for short breaks (organizing refreshments comes to mind, but there might be other things as well).
(((Hugs))) We'll be thinking of you!
Oh I am so sorry you are having to add this to the stress of everything else. I'm sure you will put a smile on your face tomorrow and be the best host you can be. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had such a rough day. Tomorrow is going to be hard but you can do it! We're all here rooting for you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Alex. You're right, it IS going to be hard.
ReplyDeleteI co-hosted a baby shower for a friend a couple years ago. We shared a due date - only she had a baby and I didn't. I actually thought that hosting made it easier, just because when everyone wanted to be regaled with stories about her pregnancy or to share their own stories, or to obsess over babybabybaby-beingamomisthebest, I could be like "Oh, look, better go refill the lemonade. Again."
GOod luck, and big hugs.
thats very strong of you, dont be too hard on yourself. You will get through it though.
ReplyDelete((hugs)). I'm with Hope -- sometimes hosting is better than attending -- there will be things you need to "check on" and ways to get away. I think you will good. It will be hard, but you will be strong and collapse later. We all have learned to put on a happy face.
ReplyDeleteWe're here for you to collapse on and cry to when you need us.
I'm sorry you have to go through ANY of this!!! Stupid, stupid showers! They aren't fun for ANYBODY. The pregnant lady gets to play the fool, the childless get to mourn, and the attendees with kids get to be fairly bored. Perhaps some grandmotherly types like them... otherwise, can we just end this horrible tradition??? I'll be thinking of you, and I hope you can spend some time during the shower composing a catty post about the whole thing in your head! I am wishing you strength to get through this VERY hard thing.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than you realize. The tears are completely deserved. This is mind-blowingly hard and if you have to hide out in the bathroom sobbing, so be it. You're only human. If anyone asks just say you had a massive bout of diarrhea. : P
ReplyDeleteLove you lots and I'll be thinking of you.
I had to help host a baby shower for a woman who doesn't even like me last year because she is the wife of someone I work for. A male coworker hosted the shower and asked me to help him put it together. I know it isn't the same situation as you, but it totally sucked, and I hated myself for telling the guy I would help. I didn't want to go for so many reasons. The biggest being that she didn't like me, so why the crap should I throw her a shower? But I can say that I got through it just fine. (Even though I seriously considered bailing and telling everyone I had explosive diarrhea so I wouldn't have to go. I figured I would rather be stuck on a toilet seat than going to her shower.)
ReplyDeleteI hope that tomorrow isn't as difficult as you fear. I hope that you make it through just fine, without even the hint of a lump in your throat. But if you do feel like you need a break, take one. Don't be harder on yourself than you absolutely have to be.
Good luck girl. *BIG hugs*
You can do it tomorrow, you are stronger than you think!!!
ReplyDeleteI do know how you feel though, I had to host TWO baby showers for my YOUNGER sister. The second one was the worst as by that time we were TTC for over 2 years. But I found my strength and did it with flying colours, and you'll do a great job tomorrow.
Good luck!!!
Oh no Alex, I am so sorry about the horrid target trip! I agree with Hope and truly believe you can get through this. You are on the edge right now with all the meds etc, so if you really think you might cry during, don't go! She'll understand! Anyway huge ((hugs))) love
ReplyDeletebabe, you're a total trooper for even offering to throw this shower. i threw one for my sister, but it's my sis, so it was a bit different. just go through the motions, and slip away to cry as often or not as you need during the party. just think, as soon as you get knocked up with your twins (my prediction for ya), someone will be throwing YOU a wonderful shower in 6 months time, okie??? xoxo.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely not the best timing...so sorry. Thinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteI hope it went well today and not being as horrible as you felt it would in the end! Hugs
ReplyDeleteOh man. I really feel for you. You are a fantastic friend for offering to do this. I'll be thinking of you today.
ReplyDeleteI hope it went well!
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great friend, to even try to throw her a shower.
I'm late to respond but I hope this went ok. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the "fake an illness" camp. Except that you totally don't have to fake, because you HAVE an illness, you just have to convince people that it's something they can actually understand. I bet you toughed it out, though, and I really hope it went OK. If it matters...I don't know whether it matters...but I always ponder what the lucky mommy would be likely to do in my shoes. She seems all "tough" because she's there with her pregnant belly and her presents, but that's no challenge. The only one with a challenge there is you, and you OFFERED to throw the shower because you are a friggin' martyr. I think you're plenty tough, and I doubt anyone there would be nearly so tough in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteoh no, Alex. I'm so so sorry! i remember crying in the baby aisles at Target too, it's so hard. I can't believe you're hosting a baby shower today and I really hope it's going okay.
ReplyDeletethinking of you xoox
please update tonight and let us know you made it through in one piece!
I remember your post previously about this and think you are amazingly strong for offering and still hosting. I can't imagine having to host a shower now. I had to pick up a gift for a friends whos shower is next weekend (which I am not going to) and it was all I could do to not cry. I thought the same thing...I wish hubby was with me to just squeeze my hand. Hugs and sending you strength for today....
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. It's not about being strong or not! It's about being aware of and true to your feelings, which is exactly how you're being. I hope everything went okay today, but it must have been really, really hard. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteOh alex, what a crappy thing. I realize now that the shower was probably today so I have no advice for you, but I do hope you made it through and please know I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry you had to go through this (I assume it's already happened) and I hope you were OK and able to hold it together at least until everybody left. I don't think I could do it either. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI hope things weren't too hard on you. So sorry you had to go through with the shower.(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI need to punish my google reader! How on earth did I miss this!?
ReplyDeleteI hope it all went well (I'm just about to read your most recent post on it). You are an amazingly strong woman!