I don't know what I was thinking. I offered to host a baby shower for my friend that is having twins (accidentally!!!) a long time ago. It was before my first IVF. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be pregnant by now.
As it got closer, I started to worry about the shower. But I figured I could handle it. I'm strong, right? My friend wanted to do the shower either this weekend or next. Knowing my IVF schedule, I asked for it to be this weekend - tomorrow - instead of next. I have my beta on Friday. I knew that if it was negative, there was no way I could host a shower the next day. I figured that it would be easier during the 2WW. I thought it would be fine, it would be hard, but I could do it.
I needed to go to Target today to get some stuff off my friend's registry, and I asked the hubs to go with me. I explained it was going to be hard, so I really wanted him to come with me. He agreed, and we stopped at Petmart first. When we came out to the car, it wouldn't start! 3 year old car/battery! So while hubs waited for the tow truck, he suggested I walk to Target (not far) and shop without him. I didn't want to go by myself, but it seemed silly. Seriously, why couldn't I print off a registry and buy a couple baby gifts by myself?
I held myself together, but as I wandered the baby aisles, I could feel a lump in my throat start to swell. And then I wanted to get some matching outfits for the 2 boys. As I perused the clothes, it started to get worse. Finally I knew I had to get out of there. I was fine and didn't shed a tear, was pleasant to the cashier who couldn't figure out how to take items off the registry. Held myself together until I saw the hubs. I was pushing my cart toward the car and he asked what was wrong. Suddenly I burst into tears and said, "I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow!"
I really don't. There's going to be at least four kids under five years old, and I think I might be the only non-mom there. At least it's not at my house, but I still am supposed to be hosting. Which means I probably shouldn't be hiding in the bathroom sobbing during the whole thing!
I can't believe I'm doing this. But I thought that I was past this, that I could handle situations like this. Turns out I'm not as strong as I thought. I know I'll make it through. But I also know that it will be one of the hardest things I will have to do.