Tuesday, March 15, 2011

There’s a Sac in My Belly!

One beautiful sac, a yolk, and the beginning of a pole! I went into my doc’s office this morning for an ultrasound and blood work, and everything looks good for 5 weeks, 2 days. I have one perfectly developed sac, no heartbeat, but that will likely be next week. It’s still early for a heartbeat. I’m thrilled that everything looks good. Somewhat nervous, but I’m managing to keep most of the anxiety at bay.

And yet… I hate to say this, but I’m a little disappointed. I really wanted twins. I know this makes me seem ungrateful, but I’m not – I’m thrilled I’m pregnant, and everything looks good so far. I’m just a little disappointed. I’ve always wanted twins, but it’s more than that. I wanted to be done trying to conceive. With the news that there’s one little baby growing inside me, it means that I’m not yet done. We want at least two children, and we’re not going to stop until we have two. And I was really hoping to be done with this one pregnancy. But now I know that even after this pregnancy, I have to go through it again. I’m comforted that we have frozen embryos waiting for us, but still – I hate this part of my life – the trying to conceive part. I want to be done. And now I know that I won’t be done for at least a couple more years.

I hope this makes sense, and I don’t seem like some kind of ungrateful bitch, because that’s how I feel having any negative thoughts on the day that I find out that I have one perfect little sac. But there’s so much history in everything I do in this baby-making front, I can’t help it. OK, I’m done complaining – I won’t bring this up again, but I wanted to be honest about my feelings.

Overall, things are really good. The hubs got out of the shower this morning and looked at me while I was blowdrying my hair. He laughed, and said, “Why are you smiling?” I was just standing there blowdrying my hair, thinking about the baby in my belly, and smiling. I really hope I get to keep this little one – I’m getting quite attached!
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34 comments:

  1. LuluMarch 15, 2011 at 9:26 AM

    I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. And I think the second time around will be a lot easier because you won't have the "what if I never get to be a mom" fear looming above your head. Not to mention you won't be able to dwell on it as much because you'll have a little tyke to be taking care of!

    I totally respect that you have a mix of emotions right now. Lots of love to you and your little one.

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  2. HopeBPatientMarch 15, 2011 at 9:39 AM

    Wonderful, wonderful news!! I'm so happy for you that you saw the sac and yolk and fetal pole! Can't wait til you get to see the heartbeat!

    I totally understand about the minor disappointment about it not being twins. After all that we've gone through, damn it, I just want my two kids (we're not stopping until we have 2 either, even if I'm 50 when we have the second!) and to be done with this nonsense. But, then I remember all the good things: less stress on my body, less danger to the baby, more time to spend with each child, etc.

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  3. siennaMarch 15, 2011 at 9:47 AM

    yaaay for a sac!! i do hear you on the disappointment. ppl kept telling me my beta's were too high for a singleton (even my own conservative RE), so i admit, i cried when i heard there was only 1. BUT ... you have a baby in there!! focus on him/her and hope the time flies until you can see the heartbeat :o)

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  4. Glass Case of EmotionMarch 15, 2011 at 9:53 AM

    I think it's okay to be honest. I remember feeling that way on my last pregnancy too. But.. what's most important... a little one is growing inside of you. And hip hop hooray for that!

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  5. RachMarch 15, 2011 at 9:53 AM

    Congrats! I thought for sure it would be twins with that huge beta. I understand the feeling that the journey is not over, and you are not an ungrateful bitch for feeling that.

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  6. TeamBabyCEOMarch 15, 2011 at 9:55 AM

    Thats awesome! I know what you're saying, as I'm hoping with IVF I'll have a chance for twins. This may very well be my last shot and I want more than 1, and well, would like to get it over with in one pregnancy-and delivery. But I'll happily take whatever I can get.

    Congratulations-I'm so happy for you!

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  7. NMarch 15, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    I think that makes sense, I felt similar.

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  8. RebeccaMarch 15, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    First off -- YAY for the sac!!!

    And, yes, I completely understand about wanting twins. I was actually lying in bed last night debating with myself about wishing for twins from this IUI or not wishing for twins. As much as I know that a healthy baby is really all I want, and I know that twin pregnancies are tough and raising twins is tougher, but...I also know that I was an only child and don't want to have an only child and I don't know if I can go through this again.

    But, again, YAYAYAYAY for the healthy sac!!! :)

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  9. AnonymousMarch 15, 2011 at 10:05 AM

    YESSSSSSS! I've been MIA from commenting lately, but I want you to know that I am so excited for you. Wishing you all of the congratulations in the world, and sending lots of positive vibes for another great appointment next week.

    Yay!!! :)

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  10. ALMarch 15, 2011 at 10:08 AM

    Wonderful news!!!

    I get one you mean about being a tiny bit let down that it's not twins, for me twins would mean so much reassurance that there would be a sibling for my little one and it would let some of the pressure off. But, you do have frosties, so hopefully the next go round will be easier.

    grow, little one, grow!

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  11. HopeMarch 15, 2011 at 10:13 AM

    It's okay to be disappointed about it being only one. After all, you transfered two embryos, so there was a chance of twins, and with betas so high and all of that . . .

    I also understand wanting to get the whole trying part over with. I get the fear and worry of having to go back into this whole mess to get the rest of the family you dreamed of.

    I feel similarly. Like Rebecca said, I always hoped to start out with twins because I didn't want to raise an only child (I'm an only).

    And I am really happy for you that you have one baby measuring right on target. I'm praying that this one sticks for you!!!! :-)

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  12. WillowMarch 15, 2011 at 10:21 AM

    How exciting! And I totally know how you feel--I too was hoping for twins and while I was/am ecstatic to be pregnant, I was initially disappointed that it was just one. But honestly, at 9.5 weeks, I'm over it. I still hope we have twins thru one of the FETs because I've always wanted twins (& yes I know in reality it will be crazy, but that's ok!), but with as rough as the nausea and exhaustion have been so far, and knowing that twins tend to double that, I think its perfect that for my first (successful) pregnancy, it's a nice healthy singleton. I'm also glad that decreases our chances of needing the NICU, which was pretty stressful with our adoption. So yeah, I get it, but one healthy baby really is perfect :)

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  13. Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.?March 15, 2011 at 10:37 AM

    I am right there with you! I was also disappointed to see only one baby after my IVF. I have some frozen but would have loved to have my two kids now and be done! You are so not alone in thinking this!

    Congrats on the little one! When is your due date?

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  14. LesleyMarch 15, 2011 at 11:18 AM

    Wonderful news! Grow little embryo, grow!!

    I bet you'd want another baby in a couple of years anyways-- even if you did have twins now :).

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  15. jill's infertility documentMarch 15, 2011 at 11:21 AM

    You don't sound ungrateful at all. Twins are a kind of reward for those that want more than one child but can't get there on our own. I think most people understand that desire and understand just how emotionally, financially and physically difficult it is just to get one child out of treatment. I am still terrified of the thought of having a twin pregnancy though and always feel a little relief for my fellow Infertiles when I read the post that reveals one sac instead of two.

    Congrats again, I am so excited for you Alex!

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  16. Nessa LomivaMarch 15, 2011 at 11:32 AM

    How beautiful. I'm smiling just reading this post.

    I totally understand your disappointment. TBH, I was sure you were carrying twins too, from the HCG levels.

    How amazing it is that you have a little being growing inside of you. Wonderful.

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  17. Circus PrincessMarch 15, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    Great news, I'm totally smiling with you :) About hoping for twins I think a lot of us secretely do but honestly once the little miracle arrives you'r hands will be full!

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  18. HeatherMarch 15, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    So happy for you! Can't wait for your next update.

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  19. Mel.March 15, 2011 at 12:51 PM

    I know just how you feel, I had really high betas too and was really hoping for twins so I'd get to have two at once and be done. But I'm just thrilled with one healthy peanut and I know you will be too when your little one arrives. Hooray for things looking so good so far and sending extra sticky vibes to you!!

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  20. Brave IVF GirlMarch 15, 2011 at 1:09 PM

    Woohoo!

    My husband really wants twins for precisely the same reason. I still prefer one at a time, but my resolve is slipping.

    So happy for you!

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  21. MichelleMarch 15, 2011 at 1:10 PM

    Whoohoo!! Not ungrateful at all. It's a normal feeling to want to be done.
    So happy for your news and can't wait to hear all about the next!!
    **huge hugs**

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  22. LauraMarch 15, 2011 at 1:46 PM

    Yay for a great ultrasound!!! I think it's perfectly natural to be a little disappointed, after all, you have all the stress and the worries that you had each month that you were trying to conceive, so it's only natural that that would still feel real and something to dread when you try for your next baby. Try to let it go for now, don't forget, but let the little one in your belly replace those feelings with happy baby feelings for now, you have more than enough time to worry about number two. Think about paying for college for number one right now :)

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  23. TrinityMarch 15, 2011 at 2:09 PM

    Congrats, Alex! Fingers crossed over here for ongoing good developments! :)

    It sounds like you've gotten some good reassurance here that you are NOT being ungrateful in your disappointment, but I will also offer that I felt similarly when I had my first u/s. I had super high betas, and I spent the time leading up to that u/s daydreaming about two little ones. It doesn't mean that you or I aren't saturated with gratitude for the one...not at all.

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  24. AnonymousMarch 15, 2011 at 2:46 PM

    Yayyy!! So wonderful to hear. I don't think you're ungrateful at all. I think you are being honest with yourself. Who among us hasn't hoped for twins?! And your betas seemed high enough to make it possible. I still always have a little twinge when I see twins, just thinking that at one point that was a true possibility (not with Wren, but when we were still in the midst of treatments) and it definitely makes you wonder how things might have been. So don't feel bad.

    But I'm so happy that you're happy! This little peanut has so many people praying for it and we're all so excited to watch it (and you!) grow!

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  25. GurleeMarch 15, 2011 at 2:51 PM

    Great news! And I totally get your "disapointment". TTC has been hell, it would be great to be done. But, you can celebrate the one healthy bean!!

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  26. My VegasMarch 15, 2011 at 3:59 PM

    congrats!!!

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  27. LexMarch 15, 2011 at 5:10 PM

    I get it, as I'm also in the wanting "twins and done" camp. So I'm not offended at all! I'm glad everything is looking good so far, and even though your progesterone is low, you are correcting that now with the shots so hopefully that won't be an issue! So glad things are going well.

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  28. kkasunMarch 15, 2011 at 5:15 PM

    I can't understand the twin part, but I get teh wanting to be done part.
    I am soooo happy for you! I think this one will stick around and make you a momma!!!!
    Congrats!

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  29. Still A Guest RoomMarch 15, 2011 at 7:10 PM

    So glad for the perfect sac!!!! And don't feel ungrateful for saying you were hoping it was twins...this is where you can always be honest.

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  30. Three Cats and a BabyMarch 15, 2011 at 8:11 PM

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!
    I am so happy!

    (And I understand that feeling. Even with having Jayden, I am a little stressed about how he will ever have a sibling.)

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  31. ChelleMarch 15, 2011 at 9:46 PM

    I am so happy the one in there is looking good so far. It had better keep going that way!

    And I hear you. I totally hear you loud and clear. You're not ungrateful. I was telling my best friend today I just wanted to get pregnant so I could put all of this TTC behind me for good. One more and I'm done. So I totally know where you're coming from. If you hear any snide comments from anyone about not being pregnant with twins, you send them my way.

    *BIG hugs!*

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  32. jeniciniMarch 16, 2011 at 1:49 AM

    Yay a beautiful sac! I understand your twinge of disappointment. It would have been nice. I thought the exact same thing until I realized that everybody in the prenatal ward except me had twins. You want to stay out of there so....yay, one beautiful sac!

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  33. CeejayMarch 16, 2011 at 4:33 PM

    That's more than I had at 5w3d--we couldn't see a yolk yet. So that's fantastic! I understand the twinge of disappointment. Just remember, a singleton pregnancy will be much easier on your body and lower risk, so maybe that will make up a little bit for the fact that you have to go through TTC again. You'll probably be even more grateful when you get to about 34 weeks or so and are feeling huge enough with just one!

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  34. marilynMay 14, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    just rereading everyone's BFP experienced since I have just experienced it!
    I put in two embryos and my mom and husband are hoping for twins. My second beta is a 447.the clinic says too low for twins..I am kind of glad..I heard carrying twins can be so dangerous for the mother and babies. But I feel the same way..I want two kids. and I have two frozen but you never really know and then the hormones and fear again. I too hope my little babies stay:)

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