Friday, March 4, 2011

Grumble, grumble, grumble

I’m in a bad mood, and I need to get out of it. Things are going fine, but I just feel very grumpy today! I haven’t yelled at anyone – yet – but I really want to. But not for any good reason, I’m just super grumpy.

Other than that, things are fine. I have one week left. One week ago, I did the frozen transfer, and one week from today, I will find out if it took. I have so many feelings swirling around in my crazy head, I don’t even know how to handle them. I don’t know if I feel positive about whether the FET worked, or not. Depends on the minute (not even hour – it’s bad). I do know that I would normally have tested by now, and I haven’t. I have vowed to not pee on anything for these two weeks, and one week is down and I have honored this vow! But I know the hardest time is coming up…

I have all kinds of IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms). Nausea, feeling my breasts are big/tender, etc. I know most of this comes from the progesterone and estrogen that I’m taking. But I also know that even before I started taking all these drugs, I would have IPS. I would absolutely convince myself that I was pregnant, only to have a negative pee stick and eventually AF. I don’t believe that any symptoms prior to a positive test mean anything, and so I try as hard as I can to ignore them. They’re definitely not reliable!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my history, and my diagnoses. It’s all been kind of crap (yes, bad mood is sneaking in). There’s my infertility, and then there are my losses. They’re completely separate – maybe. In three years of trying (1 year in my 20’s, plus the last 2 years), I’ve been pregnant twice. Plus there have been plenty of times in my life that I haven’t been actively trying and haven’t really prevented either, and didn’t get pregnant. Out of countless cycles, I’ve been pregnant twice. One was ectopic, and the other was a miscarriage. As soon as I had the miscarriage in June, I started on this medical journey trying to explain the miscarriage, but I never really allowed for the concept of maybe it was just a fluke. One of those common miscarriages with no explanation. The reason for this is it was so heartbreaking to lose my baby after so much infertility, I want to do everything in my power to avoid a future miscarriage. And so I am doing everything I can – intralipids, Lovenox, aspirin… What else can I do?

I guess my point is I have two problems: infertility, and miscarriage. But miscarriage may not actually be a real problem. Yes, I’ve had one, but I don’t have a pattern of losses. I didn’t do the karyotyping (won’t make that mistake again), so I don’t really have an explanation. But I’ve been thinking lately that maybe it was a fluke. Maybe my baby had some kind of problem that caused it to die. Or maybe my body tried to kill it and the Lovenox and intralipids will help with that. But the real problem – the overwhelming problem – in my history is my lack of getting pregnant. So if I actually get pregnant with this FET, if for some reason one or both of those embryos latch on and stay, I need to be happy. Because then I will have succeeded at overcoming the really big problem – getting pregnant.

I have this strange feeling that at some point, this will actually work for me. I have no support for this feeling, as my history certainly doesn’t support it. But I feel like one day, I will give birth to a healthy baby. And that is the only thing that keeps me going. I just want it to happen soon before I go crazy…

And so I wait. One more week. I hope to keep my resolve up and not test before that blood test – oh, it will be hard. Thanks for listening to my rambles. Actually getting some of this out makes me feel better, I’m much less grumpy than when I started writing. And this is why I blog.

Speaking of blogging, yesterday marks one year since my first blog post. I had been watching a few blogs for awhile, and I went through the ectopic without much support. Somehow I knew I needed to tell my story, and make some infertile friends. Because I needed help, I really did. And all of you gave that to me. I feel so very lucky to have you ladies in my life. I can always count on you for some nice words, and for virtual hugs, and I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you.

30 comments:

  1. The second week of the 2ww is so maddening. I feel for you. Sending much love and hoping you have fun/distracting things to fill the upcoming days.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Happy blogaversary!!

    Way to be so strong and wait it out until the blood test! I'm sorry you are feeling so grumpy. I'm in a bit of a mood myself.

    I totally hear you on those IPS though! I'm just playing them all off onto some excuse or another and not putting too much expectation into things.

    I hope the next 7d fly by and you get some happy news to cheer yourself up!

    ReplyDelete
  3. i agree with lulu, the second week blows. i don't have anything enlightening to say- just that i have been thinking about you a lot lately, even though i have been a crappy commenter.

    no, thank YOU for all of your support. you were one of the first people (possibly THE first) to comment on my blog and encourage me to comment and blog. i have appreciated your comments more than i can say.

    good luck getting through this weekend and the next week. i hope the time flie.

    xoxo.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Isn't this blog community amazing? We are very, very lucky. I so hope this/these baby/-ies take(s), Alex. And good for you for holding out on the peeing this long. The toughest days to abstain are indeed ahead of you, but you can do it. Looking forward to some wonderful news a week from now! Stickystickysticky...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can't believe you haven't POAS!!! Nice work!

    I hate to say this, but irritability was my only ealr PG symptom?????? I don't want to put anything else in your head right now, but just saying.

    I also believe that you will get that baby, hopefully sooner rather than later. I can't wait 6-7 more days to find out. I am soo nervous/excited for you.

    Fingers crossed!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Happy blogiversary!!!

    I'm not a prayer, but I will send "pregnant, pregnant, pregnant" thoughts your way during my nightly meditations. <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. Happy blogoversary!! And, thank you so much for all of your support over the past year or so!

    And, I like the attitude -- it WILL happen at some point. I feel it for you.

    I hope so much that this FET does work.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sorry that you are feeling grumpy... but I know that you are strong and will make it through your week of no testing just fine. congratulations on your blogoversary, I'm sorry that you don't have better news yet, but you'll get it soon!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like your attitude. You'll get there, and I keep my fingers crossed for you! One week to go now, hope you have a good weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You can get through the next week, I know you can! Happy blogiversary - way to end with a positive!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Happy blog-o-versary! I am so glad that you decided to start blogging. You are a wonderful person and I am so glad that I have gotten to know you through your blog.

    Keep your positive attitude! And my fingers are crossed for you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I didn't realize you had to actually wait two weeks! I was thinking you'd find out this weekend. ARGH! That really is a TWW. I applaud your resolve not to test, I've never been an everyday tester, but I always broke down and tested before the beta.

    Been thinking of you and will keep my fingers crossed.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Did you read my post where I quoted that book I read a couple of weeks ago? You're in that phase of your cycle where you feel hopeless. I think this phase is, or can be, almost as much of a bitch as AF showing. Its brutal, and it feels like a beat down.

    I wish I had some awesome advice or something really cool to say, but all I've got is the typical, "try to focus your attention elsewhere." But yeah right, we all know how impossible that is.

    All I can say is that I'm totally rooting for you, hoping, and praying.

    *BIG hugs!*

    ReplyDelete
  15. Well Happy Bolgiversary, and congrats on making it through the first week PT.

    I totally get the bad mood for no reason. Sometimes I feel entitled to take my inferitle rage out on the general public... (Though I don't think you're like that) - I do hope that writing this post helped a little bit. Even with the bad mood, I'm impressed at how rational you are at this stage of the game. I know it's not easy.

    Wishing, Hoping, and Praying that your insticts are right and your healthy little one is not so far from your grasp.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have huge hope for you too-- more than hope-- I know this will work out eventually, preferably sooner. I think you are probably right that your main problem is not getting pregnant. One ectopic and one miscarriage barely even put a dent in the odds of a healthy pregnancy. All the more reason to be optimistic when these guys stick. Although of course it will be hard not to be scared!! Good luck with the second half of your wait-- argh!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I hope that the time that you have left to wait goes by quickly. Given what you've gone through, you have every right to be in a horrible mood!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Happy blogiversary! Right back at you on the support, you give even more than you get so you deserve all the help we can give you. Hope next Friday brings you an extremely happy surprise!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Happy blogoversary!

    And I remember your first post & your first comment on my blog so, so well. So great to know you and have supported you through the past year (and received your support, too).

    Hang in there this next week - I love that optimism you feel that somehow, someway something will work for you, I think you're right :-). I hope you get great news in one week!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am so happy you started blogging, and am so grateful for your friendship! It's great all the venting in this post made you less grumpy. You are right that the miscarriage could have been due to the baby, it's so hard to accept the
    not knowing sometimes. I can't wait for your test results and am keeping up hope for you. Take care friend :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. I know this week won't be easy....good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ectopics are no joke and I wish there was more that we could do for each other when we go through these things at similar times. I know you will give birth to a healthy baby too which makes me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  23. ((Hugs)) I'm wishing you lots of luck this C. It may be a looong week ahead, but you are strong and you'll make it through! Keep looking forward and hang in there :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hang in there. Sending you fortitude to get through the next week without testing. And quietly hoping that your embies are implanting nicely.

    This blogging community is so amazing (as others have said) and you bring so much to it with your honest posts and supportive comments. (((Hugs))) Happy Blogoversary

    ReplyDelete
  25. New to your blog, but I wanted to drop by and give you a virtual *hug* - Kudos on the waiting this first week and I hope you find something fun to distract you in this next grueling week. Sending you little prayers for the baby you so deserve! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Happy blogoversary! Hope the rest of the wait doesn't drive you crazy - it's maddening knowing that it's either worked or it hasn't and there's nothing you can do but wait. Way to go on not testing - your willpower is impressive. May it pay off with a happy surprise next week!

    ReplyDelete
  27. The horrible two week wait.
    I know exactly what you mean about the two separate problems, which I hope I have resolved now that I've done the lap.

    I am so glad your blog is here, even though I don't wish the struggle with infertility on anyone. Aside from the fact that they are very well written, I almost always relate to your posts.
    Here's another virtual HUG for you, Alex. :D

    ReplyDelete
  28. One week_ I hope if flies by. I'm crossing my fingers for you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Alex, I too have a really strong feeling that it's going to work for you. Maybe even this time. I don't know why but sometimes I think that you and I have just had some bad luck. Of course, I've got much older eggs and that is a factor, but there's really no other identifiable problems. Maybe it really is just a matter of playing the odds. I think you've done everything you can do to give yourself the best odds. And I just feel like it's going to work this time. Hang in there! Just one more week!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. You're absolutely right that the miscarriage could definitely have been a fluke. And I also have a very good feeling for you. You will have a healthy baby one day!

    ReplyDelete