Grumble, grumble, grumble

I’m in a bad mood, and I need to get out of it. Things are going fine, but I just feel very grumpy today! I haven’t yelled at anyone – yet – but I really want to. But not for any good reason, I’m just super grumpy.

Other than that, things are fine. I have one week left. One week ago, I did the frozen transfer, and one week from today, I will find out if it took. I have so many feelings swirling around in my crazy head, I don’t even know how to handle them. I don’t know if I feel positive about whether the FET worked, or not. Depends on the minute (not even hour – it’s bad). I do know that I would normally have tested by now, and I haven’t. I have vowed to not pee on anything for these two weeks, and one week is down and I have honored this vow! But I know the hardest time is coming up…

I have all kinds of IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms). Nausea, feeling my breasts are big/tender, etc. I know most of this comes from the progesterone and estrogen that I’m taking. But I also know that even before I started taking all these drugs, I would have IPS. I would absolutely convince myself that I was pregnant, only to have a negative pee stick and eventually AF. I don’t believe that any symptoms prior to a positive test mean anything, and so I try as hard as I can to ignore them. They’re definitely not reliable!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my history, and my diagnoses. It’s all been kind of crap (yes, bad mood is sneaking in). There’s my infertility, and then there are my losses. They’re completely separate – maybe. In three years of trying (1 year in my 20’s, plus the last 2 years), I’ve been pregnant twice. Plus there have been plenty of times in my life that I haven’t been actively trying and haven’t really prevented either, and didn’t get pregnant. Out of countless cycles, I’ve been pregnant twice. One was ectopic, and the other was a miscarriage. As soon as I had the miscarriage in June, I started on this medical journey trying to explain the miscarriage, but I never really allowed for the concept of maybe it was just a fluke. One of those common miscarriages with no explanation. The reason for this is it was so heartbreaking to lose my baby after so much infertility, I want to do everything in my power to avoid a future miscarriage. And so I am doing everything I can – intralipids, Lovenox, aspirin… What else can I do?

I guess my point is I have two problems: infertility, and miscarriage. But miscarriage may not actually be a real problem. Yes, I’ve had one, but I don’t have a pattern of losses. I didn’t do the karyotyping (won’t make that mistake again), so I don’t really have an explanation. But I’ve been thinking lately that maybe it was a fluke. Maybe my baby had some kind of problem that caused it to die. Or maybe my body tried to kill it and the Lovenox and intralipids will help with that. But the real problem – the overwhelming problem – in my history is my lack of getting pregnant. So if I actually get pregnant with this FET, if for some reason one or both of those embryos latch on and stay, I need to be happy. Because then I will have succeeded at overcoming the really big problem – getting pregnant.

I have this strange feeling that at some point, this will actually work for me. I have no support for this feeling, as my history certainly doesn’t support it. But I feel like one day, I will give birth to a healthy baby. And that is the only thing that keeps me going. I just want it to happen soon before I go crazy…

And so I wait. One more week. I hope to keep my resolve up and not test before that blood test – oh, it will be hard. Thanks for listening to my rambles. Actually getting some of this out makes me feel better, I’m much less grumpy than when I started writing. And this is why I blog.

Speaking of blogging, yesterday marks one year since my first blog post. I had been watching a few blogs for awhile, and I went through the ectopic without much support. Somehow I knew I needed to tell my story, and make some infertile friends. Because I needed help, I really did. And all of you gave that to me. I feel so very lucky to have you ladies in my life. I can always count on you for some nice words, and for virtual hugs, and I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you.