Everything’s OK – for now

I don’t know why I have to use the “for now” part - I just do. I just got back from the doc, and they did an ultrasound and everything looks good. Today I’m 5 weeks 3 days, and the sac is measuring 5 weeks 4 days, and the baby is measuring 5 weeks 6 days. They couldn’t find the source of the bleeding, so they’re assuming it is from the progesterone, or the ultrasound yesterday, or something. And the cramping – it just happens. Like I thought, the recommendation is to wait and see. Bleh!

I wish this was easier. I know too much – I know what can go wrong. I know that every twinge, every drop of blood, could mean nothing, or it could mean the beginning of the end. I want to have a positive attitude, but it’s so hard when you have experienced hell. Just a few days ago, I had a really good attitude. It was weird – I convinced myself that this was it. I’ve been thinking a lot about things lately, and realized again that nothing ever comes easily to me. This is the theme of my life. I was homeless and bouncing between foster homes prior to the age of four, adopted by people that may or may not have been good parents (mom definitely should not have been a mother, although she’s trying), went into a deep depression when I tried to get pregnant in my twenties unsuccessfully, divorced my first husband, etc. Nothing has ever come easy. But eventually, I’ve always figured things out. I’ve always persevered, and made it through.

A few days ago, I told my therapist about all of this. And how I always knew that I would struggle having a baby. Even before I started trying in my previous marriage in my twenties, I had a feeling – a gut instinct, if you will – that it would be difficult. Of course I had no idea how difficult. My first husband and I tried to get pregnant for a year, and then due to that and a few other things such as a failing marriage, I sunk into a major depression. Like the kind of depression that lands you in a hospital for a few days. I eventually got better, got my life back in order including divorcing my husband, and was able to figure things out. I started dating my future husband, and when we started getting serious, I told him it was going to be hard getting pregnant. I don’t think he believed me… But I always knew – it was going to be hard. But the question is, how hard?

When we decided to go to get assistance with an RE in November 2009, it didn’t surprise me – this was going to be hard, of course we need a doctor! When I got pregnant with the ectopic with my first IUI with injectibles last February, it was over so quickly I didn’t really think about it as far as what it meant. When I got pregnant with my second IUI in May, and everything looked ok, it surprised me. By this time I was involved in this fabulous bloggy world, and I realized what “hard” looked like – multiple IVF’s, multiple losses, years of trying without success. So I felt lucky, and a little like I was cheating. Yes, I had resorted to IUI’s with injectibles, and I had an ectopic, but it still seemed pretty easy that I was pregnant. And when I lost my baby at 8 ½ weeks, it surprised me, and yet, it didn’t. Because things don’t come easy for me.

When I went through a third IUI cycle in September and it didn’t work, it didn’t surprise me. When I went through my first IVF cycle in December and it didn’t work, it didn’t surprise me. But then I wondered – had I been through enough? It feels like enough, but it hasn’t yet broken me. A few days ago, I was convinced that I had been through enough – I have paid my dues, it has officially been “hard”, so now, I’m pregnant and I think this will work. I really believed this – a few days ago. I even told my therapist that my gut instinct was that I was going to have a healthy baby at the end of my pregnancy.

Now, I’m not so sure. When I heard yesterday that my progesterone was low, I thought, “Of course.” When I woke up this morning and saw the pink on the toilet paper, I thought, “Of course.” Things don’t come easy for me. I wasn’t that surprised when I saw the ultrasound and nothing looked wrong – it seems like it hasn’t really been enough time for everything to fail since yesterday’s ultrasound. But what is next week’s ultrasound going to look like? It wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a heartbeat next week. But then what? I know from personal experience that a heartbeat doesn’t really mean anything – it just means you’re attached more when your baby’s heart stops beating later. What if after my baby’s heart start, it doesn’t stop? Will I ever be comfortable? I don’t know. I thought I beat it – this anxiety and fear. But no, I was just in a happy little lull. But that’s over. It’s official - I’m now a petrified pregnant after infertility and loss woman. Because once again, things are not going easy for me.