Rollercoaster

First, I can’t tell you how much your support and kind words mean to me. When I’m feeling down, or nervous, it helps so much to read your comments – they really are like virtual hugs. Thank you to all of you, from the bottom of my heart. Going through this with you by my side makes it better – truly!

This morning’s scan went well. There is growth. The baby is GROWING – just want to yell that a little bit!!! It measured at 5 weeks 1 day on Monday, and today it was 5 weeks 5 days. So it looks good – I think. At first she said that I measured 5 weeks 2 days, and I said that wasn’t very good since it was 5 weeks 1 day on Monday – four days ago. So then she changed the angle, and she measured 5 weeks 5 days – all good! Seriously??? Makes me think they don’t know what the hell they’re doing… We talked for awhile with the nurse and fluctuating hcg levels, and she said that sometimes it just changes – no reason. WTF??? And why the fuck didn’t you mention that on Monday??? I know that we fertility patients need a lot of hand holding, and really like the constant attention. But sometimes I wonder if it’s just better not to be closely monitored. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t have every little change in my hormone levels monitored, and days counted on the ultrasound. But for now, I am still pregnant. We haven’t yet seen a heartbeat, but it’s still early. And I go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound. Yes, I said that it may not be good to go so often, but I’m still jumping on that stupid table and being wanded as much as they’ll let me…

Oh and my hcg level is ___. Apparently over 5,000, they don’t even measure the exact amount. So I don’t know if it doubled, or tripled, or just rose 25% each 48 hours – it would all be over 5,000. I guess once it gets this high, it’s better to just look at the ultrasound – the hcg levels are unreliable… Uh yeah, thanks for letting me know – this would have been nice information to have four days ago!!!

OK, I’m done ranting. I’m simply happy that everything is ok and that my baby appears to be growing. Also I’m happy that the Hubs and I are doing better. Last night was NOT good.

Hubs is not the best supporter in bad times. Or at least in times when he doesn’t understand why you perceive them as bad. He finally told me last night that he had done a bunch of research on the internet, and he didn’t think my levels were that bad, and I shouldn’t be worrying. First, he consults Dr. Google too??? Why didn’t I know this? It kind of makes me feel better that I’m not the only one trying to find answers in the great world wide web. But second, why is it that my googling only results in bad answers, and his googling results in good answers???? Is he hitting a different button? Or is it his perception? Why is he being the super optimist and I can’t get out of pessimist land? And the third thing is, he cares enough to spend time on google!!! I know this should come as no surprise, right? Of course he cares – he’s my husband and also wants children, and we did all this for a reason, right? But sometimes I wonder. He seems so noncommittal. He doesn’t want to talk about it all the time (or at all!) like I do, he just assumes everything will work out just fine. He absolutely refuses to be compassionate to me if I’m upset. And he will not tell me how he feels. At least I know this isn’t just about children. I remember him being so surprised when I was so thrilled when he proposed – after five years of dating, after buying a house together, and moving across the country together. I was so thrilled because it was validation that he really truly liked and loved me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, just like I wanted to with him! And somehow, I wasn’t sure about that before he popped the question… Perhaps I’m a little insecure, and perhaps he doesn’t provide assurance, or perhaps it’s a little of both. Needless to say, he and I were not at all on the same page last night – I was worrying, and he thought I was ridiculously obsessing, and then I thought he didn’t care because he wasn’t worrying, or even respecting my feelings… Definitely didn’t go well, but we are now better. He came to my appointment with me, and we talked a little this morning. We were walking out of the appointment and he said, “It looks like everything’s ok, right?” And I said, “I guess.” And he said, “I just wanted to hear you say that.” Also he said that he was very happy the clinic doesn’t measure the hcg over 5,000! He wants off this rollercoaster as much as I do!

---pause---

OK – I had all of the above written, and was just waiting for the hcg levels, so I could fill in the blank and post this. I was very confident that it was over 5,000. And it was. The nurse called me, and said my blood levels were all good, but can I please come in this afternoon for another ultrasound? She said the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound on me, as they hadn’t yet seen the heartbeat, and he wanted to look at me before the long weekend. I thought it was very bizarre, but I agreed to go back in.

I hopped back up on the table, and had the longest ultrasound ever – about 40 minutes of wandy time. Turns out they weren’t really concerned about the baby in the uterus – everything still looks fine (measured 5 weeks 6 days – which is today – this afternoon!), and it’s normal to not show a heartbeat yet, given that it’s still early. But they are concerned because I have a lot of fluid in my abdomen next to my left ovary, and my fallopian tube looks swollen – they think I may have another baby in my tube. But they’re not sure. After 40 minutes of scanning (which sucked – my legs were shaking at the end), they concluded that I don’t appear to be in imminent danger, especially considering I haven’t had any sharp pains. But I’m not allowed to leave town, and I should rest most of the weekend, and call the doctor on call immediately if I have any pain. There’s a chance that I will have to go in for emergency surgery and remove my left tube, along with the baby in the tube, but they think I will be able to keep the baby in my uterus. And of course there’s the possibility that there isn’t a baby in my tube, my tube is just swollen and there’s fluid from the ovary being hyperstimulated! And in the meantime, I’m supposed to wait and see and just come back on Tuesday to check out my tube, and maybe the baby in my uterus will have a heartbeat…

At this point, I’m so tired of riding up and down on the rollercoaster, but this news for some reason didn’t really upset me. I only care about that little baby in my uterus, and whatever happens, it sounds like we can save that little guy. So what if they take my tube – I have another one, and I can have IVF for baby #2 if needed. And I can’t really think about the possible baby in the tube. All I care about is keeping baby #1 alive and well. And for now, my little one is ok.

Waiting

Wait and see – that’s what the nurse told me to do. Wait and see. Wait and see if there will be a heartbeat. Wait and see if my baby will live. Wait and see.

How the hell do you wait and see??? I left work yesterday after posting about my conversation with the nurse, and was planning on going to my therapist. Good timing, right? Last time I found out it was ectopic on a Monday, which is the day I see my therapist, so I went to see her that evening, and just cried the entire session. I was planning on doing the same last night, but on my way there, I looked at my phone and noticed she left me a voice mail – she was sick. She wanted me to return her phone call and I did, trying to hold myself together. Didn’t want to worry her. So instead I went home and cried to my dogs. The Hubs is in NJ right now f0r work. Which sucks – I really wish he was here. He’ll get back late tonight, and hopefully he’ll be able to go to the appointment with me on Thursday.

I made it through the night, and somehow got myself dressed and am at work, but I can’t concentrate on anything. Just trying to function and make it through the day. My mom called me – surprising, considering she sent me a ridiculous email yesterday in response to my voice mail apologizing for being too sensitive. I told her via voice mail on Sunday that I was really nervous about this pregnancy, and that is why I didn’t respond to her “awful” comment about having multiples very well. Well she sent me an email yesterday saying she wasn’t saying it would be awful about having multiples, she was saying it was awful that she had a baby project almost done, and if it was multiples, she would have to do more! How fucking absurd!!! I don’t know why she lies like this. Anyway, she called me today, and could tell I was upset, so she was really nice. Of course, that made me cry. Why is it that no matter how old I get, and no matter how many problems I have with my parents, as soon as I talk to them, I feel like a little child, and just melt! So I started crying hysterically at work – definitely not something I wanted to do today. Of course right after I hung up, my boss walked into my office, noticed I was crying, and said he would come back. Super professional, right? Thank goodness he didn’t mention anything when I calmed down and went to see what he wanted. Please ignore my crying, boss.

I just want everything to go ok. I really thought the problem was that I couldn’t get pregnant, but once I got pregnant, it would be ok. When I got pregnant in January, I thought that was it - I had finally succeeded. My hormone levels were really low, but I didn’t know any better – I was so focused on the fact that I was pregnant. Then I found out it was ectopic. OK, so maybe I have a hard time getting pregnant – and it got stuck in my tube. So as long as I was able to get pregnant, and it could travel through my tube, then it would be ok, right? But now, I have a baby in my uterus. My levels were good. But I still have problems??? I don’t understand. I’m really hoping it’s the vanishing twin thing that people have mentioned (thanks to everyone for giving me hope!!!). Perhaps one of them died, and that’s causing the lower hcg levels? But then we would still be able to see it in the ultrasound I think. Granted it wouldn’t be very big, but I think we would be able to see it. But what if it was ectopic? Before my bloodwork came back yesterday, I was worried that there was one baby in my uterus, and then one in my tube. What would happen then? Obviously I couldn’t take methotrexate – could I have surgery to remove the baby in my tube and keep the baby in my uterus? Can’t believe I just wrote that…

And also I’m wondering if the methotrexate that I took in February to remove the ectopic pregnancy is still in my system and hurting the cellular growth of my baby – perhaps that is the reason why the hcg isn’t rising like they want? The doc said I should wait two months, but other people have been told they should wait three months. What if we did the IUI too soon? The nurse keeps asking to make sure I’m taking my prenatals. Of course I am – plus additional folic acid! I would do anything to save this baby, but I don’t know what else I can do.

So I wait. Going through the motions at work. Trying to do simple projects that don’t take my energy too much. Trying not to cry. My therapist called me – worried. I haven’t returned her phone call yet. She probably would want me to come in, but she’ll probably only have time during the day. But I won’t be able to go back to work after a session – I would look like a wreck! Plus what’s the point of going – I would just sit there and cry. And there’s nothing I can do – just wait and see what happens on Thursday.

Numbers

I’m not bleeding. The numbers are still rising. There is a sac. I’m trying to come up with the positive points. Because my hcg isn’t good. It’s at 3,235 today. For the first time, the nurse is not positive. She sounded very guarded. She said it should still be rising at least 60% each 48 hours, even over 1,200, and considering that 4 days ago, it was at 1,525, and it was 96 hours until my next test, she said I should be at a minimum 3,900. And I’m at 3,235. Now I’m supposed to “wait and see.” I have another blood test and ultrasound on Thursday. She said it might turn around, that things may work out, but she didn’t seem positive at all. She sounded like she was trying to be nice, but definitely didn’t want me to get my hopes up.

Oh God – I just got an email from the Hubs in response to my email explaining what the nurse said. His response was “Can’t they do something?” This just breaks my heart – there’s nothing they can do. Now I’m losing it at work… Must pull my shit together to make that walk out the door.

We Have a Sac!

I went in for the ultrasound today, and I have one sac – in my uterus! Thanks to everyone for your support – all day yesterday I kept receiving comments, which helped me get through the day – I was so incredibly nervous!!! I am officially at 5 weeks, 3 days today, and the sac is measuring at 5 weeks, 1 day. It’s 6.91 mm in size. But the nurse said that was normal. She said everything looks good, and I’m to go back twice a week until we see the heartbeat, and then I’ll go back once per week until I graduate to the normal OB.

I’m so excited to see the sac in the right place. She even gave me pictures – so funny, my first baby pictures – what a cute little spot!!! And I have a lot of fluid in my abdomen, so I’m supposed to take it easy and not do too much activity, and allow the fluid to reabsorb into my body. No problem – I would do anything to make sure both me and the little one is doing just fine – for a long time!!!

So it just goes to show you, the hcg levels can be totally off – they can look like they’re going to be multiples, and it turns out there’s only one. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed. I had thought about it, and was really excited for twins, and hoping for twins. And I was really excited for the idea that I wouldn’t have to go through this TTC thing again… But I’m so incredibly happy there’s one. Plus it will be much healthier to have just one. Now we just have to focus on getting that heart to beat!!!

Just Call Me Super Sensitive

Yesterday was not a good day for being nice. As tomorrow morning's ultrasound looms, I am getting more and more nervous about the results. And I have to admit, I think I'm not handling it very well. Plus my MIL is still here, and she's really annoying me. Can't wait to drop her off at the airport today...

I talked to my mom yesterday. She and I have the hardest time getting along - we always have. There is something off with our relationship, and for some reason, it just never seems to work. It's so weird. For my first IUI in January, she was pretty good. She called every week, and checked on me. She was happy for me when I got pregnant, and then sad with me when I found out it was ectopic. And sometime since then she started dropping off... I would call her, and it would take 2 weeks for her to call me back. I told her I was starting another IUI cycle, and then she never called again. I sent her a gift for Mother's Day, and called her twice on that day, but never was able to reach her, and didn't hear from her until yesterday.

I told my mom that I was pregnant yesterday, and she reacted a little lukewarm. She said, "hopefully you got pregnant naturally, and didn't do it artificially, right?" I told her, that like I had told her before, I was doing another IUI cycle, and no, I didn't get pregnant naturally. She responded, "well if it's any consolation, I know someone else who did it artificially, and she had kids." She really emphasized the consolation thing... I responded by telling her that I didn't need a consolation, and I was ok with doing it artificially, and I was very excited to be pregnant, and it didn't matter to me whether I did it "artificially" or "naturally." So then she asked me if I knew the sex. I said no, reminded her that it was still very early, and I don't know the sex, and won't know for a long time. I told her that I was going in on Monday, and hopefully I was see a sac in my uterus, and later I would see a heartbeat, and that perhaps there would be more than one baby. She said, "Oh that would be awful!" Then I lost it. I told her it wouldn't be awful, it may be hard, but it wouldn't be awful - we are very excited to be pregnant, and there's nothing about it that's "awful"! She stammered a little, said she had to go, and hung up.

I called her this morning, got her voice mail, and apologized for reacting poorly yesterday. I said I am very nervous, and very sensitive, and even though she didn't mean her comments as negative, I took them as such. I know she really didn't mean to be negative - she was just responding as she does. But it really hurt. But I think it's best if I just apologize and try to make nice.

Then my MIL tried to talk to me last night. She really tries to make an effort, but just has no clue about what to say. And at least she said that - she doesn't know what to say to me. She was asking about the next steps. I told her about the ultrasound on Monday and the implications. And she keeps repeating that she just wants me to be healthy. After the ectopic, the only thing she kept saying is that she was happy that I was ok, that the ectopic didn't hurt me or kill me or something. And that we made the right choice - to terminate the ectopic. She doesn't get it. There was no choice. I had to terminate it. I wasn't concerned about my life - I was concerned about this baby that I thought I was going to have. For those few days, I was pregnant, and I started making plans and dreaming about the future. I could give a rat's ass about my own life at that point - all I wanted was to make sure that baby that I could picture, that I had begun to love, would be ok. So when she keeps talking about me being healthy and thank goodness I terminated the ectopic as it saved my life or some bullshit, I just get angry! She doesn't get it - I lost my baby!!!

So I sat her down and tried to explain it to her. That it would be really helpful if she stopped talking about me being healthy, and started talking about the baby or babies being healthy. And then I told her that if anything happened - if I lost this baby - that she should act as if it was a loss. As if I lost my baby. As if I was any other mother whose child died, and please treat it as a loss. Because to me, I am a mother. (I mentioned Mother's Day yesterday, and she gave me a hug and said "I can't wait for you to be a mother, and then we can start celebrating Mother's Day for you!) For the last two weeks, I've known I was pregnant, and I've fallen in love with whatever is inside me. And if anything happens, it will be a loss. She looked at me like I had lost my mind, but she tried at least to understand.

I know I'm being ultra-sensitive, and she really is trying her best to be helpful. But I really felt like I needed to explain myself! And why am I trying to explain to people how to treat me if this doesn't work out? Oh I'm so scared for tomorrow's ultrasound.

Welcome, ICLW!

Hello and welcome to my blog! It’s been a crazy few months since starting my blog, and every day, I’m very happy I finally took the plunge and became a blogger. My current status: pregnant!!! Wow, it’s pretty cool just to write that down. I’m at 5 weeks, 1 day today, and the betas were looking good, even high. Yesterday’s beta wasn’t as high as I was hoping, but I think I have talked myself off the edge, thanks to all my bloggy friends. The big thing is I have my first OB ultrasound on Monday to make sure there’s a sac in there. Yesterday when I checked in to my RE for my 3rd beta, they asked for a $15 copay. I was kind of surprised – I hadn’t paid anything for a month since I paid for the whole month at the beginning of my IUI. But then I looked at the piece of paper, and at the top it said OB bloodwork!!! I was so excited to pay the $15, as now insurance covers all my visits because I’m pregnant!!! Just to be a member of the OB club! In February, when I had an ectopic, they never started charging me for all those god-awful betas, ultrasounds and methotrexate shots. I guess they thought that was too cruel…

Sorry, got off track – back to being positive. Things are looking good in this early pregnancy. I just have to make it through this weekend, and hopefully on Monday, which by the way, will be our 1st anniversary, I’ll see a nice looking gestational sac, or maybe two…

I’m exhausted this morning. The sleepiness of pregnancy definitely started this week, and it doesn’t help that I stayed up until 11:30 last night as we went to a Jimmy Buffett concert. It was really fun, except of course being the only sober one among a bunch of really drunk people… My mother-in-law came in town yesterday for the concert and the weekend. It was her Mother’s Day present to bring her and one of her friends to the concert and have them with us for the weekend. Sometimes I forget that my MIL has a bit of a drinking problem. And when I say “a bit” I mean a serious drinking problem… She’s actually quite functional – she goes to work every day, and she takes care of her husband, who has medical problems and can’t drive. And she takes care of her mom, who is 91 and can’t drive. And she runs a business, and takes care of some land, etc. But every night, she has at least a bottle of champagne…

When we were there last week, she proudly told me that she hadn’t had anything to drink for 5 days. I told her I was proud of her, and asked her why. She said she wanted to prove to herself that she could do it, and she also wanted to make sure she wasn’t “drunk grandma” as she called it. She knew we were TTC, and later that day we told her I was pregnant. Hubs had told her a few years ago, actually before we even started dating, that if she was drunk, she wouldn’t be allowed to take care of any future kids of his… So I was starting to gain hope that MIL was getting better, and trying to decrease her drinking. Until last night…

We went to pick her up from the airport, and she was completely wasted. It was 4:00 in the afternoon, and she was slurring her words, and reeked of champagne! She drank the whole way on the plane! We proceeded to fill her full of water, and then insist that she eat something before the concert. She got a little better, but we were with a bunch of our friends, and she kept leaning over to me and whispering, “I’m being good! I’m not embarrassing you!!!” Yeah, right. We just had to keep her functioning all night. I’m used to doing this – this isn’t my first time at the rodeo! But usually I’m drinking too, and for some reason, she doesn’t annoy me as much when I’m drinking. Last night of course I was stone cold sober – and boy, is she annoying! At one point I had to walk away and sit in the bathroom to just calm myself so I wouldn’t yell at her. Hubs kept trying to calm me down, but of course he was drinking so he annoyed me a bit too last night…

She doesn’t go back until Sunday. So that means two more nights of drinking, I’m sure! I guess it will keep me distracted until the ultrasound on Monday – have to look at something positive! Thanks for letting me vent. She’s actually a really nice person, and she’s a great MIL. I’m very happy to have her in my life. But I hate watching her drink, especially now… She’s mentioned coming here to help when I have a baby, which I would love, but we would have to insist that there would be no drinking. I wonder how that will go.

I knew it was going too well

Just got the results from my blood test this morning. At 17 dpo, on Monday, my hcg was 859. Today, at 20 dpo, my hcg is 1,525. I was really expecting to be over 2,000. The nurse didn’t seem overly concerned, but sometimes they seem a lot more positive than they really should be. Babymed said my rise is “slower than normal.” I don’t want to be slower than normal!!! Here’s the chart:

I have another blood test and ultrasound scheduled for Monday. She said I should be able to see the gestational sac, and make sure it’s in the right place during the ultrasound. I think it will be too early for a heartbeat – I’ll be at 5 weeks, 5 days. I’m at 5 weeks today – really hoping this isn’t the beginning of the end.


Crap – right before I was going to post this, I read the following about this chart:

“The HCG calculator pregnancy doubling level tool interactively calculates whether your blood hCG levels increase normally during the first few weeks after implantation. HcG or human chorionic gonadotropin is a hormone produced by the placenta shortly after implantation. In most normal pregnancies at hCG levels below 1,200 mIU/ml the hCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and it normally increases by at least 60% every two days.

“As your pregnancy develops, the increase slows down significantly. Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes about 72-96 hours to double, and above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four or more days to double. It makes little sense to follow the hCG values above 6,000 mIU/ml as at this point the increase is normally slower and not related to how well the pregnancy is doing. After two to three months the increase will slow even further and eventually hCG levels even decline before reaching a plateau for the duration of the pregnancy.

“Doctors will often use the quantitative blood test if they are closely monitoring the development of a pregnancy but above a level of about 6,000 mIU/ml that makes no sense because at this point a sonogram provides better information about the pregnancy.”

So once it gets over 1,200, it doesn't rise as fast??? Am I worrying for no reason??? For 10 days, I’ve been so happy and excited, but always wondered when the worrying would begin. I hate that I can’t be happy, and everything isn’t going exactly like I planned!!! Why can't I just let it go, and not be so darn anxious???

Someone Listened to my Research!

First, thanks to whoever submitted my news to LFCA! You all are so incredibly good to me – I feel so lucky to have you as my friends!!!

Things are still good – going in for another beta tomorrow. I wonder what that number will be…

So you know how us infertiles LOVE to do our own research, and can spend hours doing research on good old Dr. Google??? I have to admit, I am guilty. Well it finally paid off. You see, I’ve had asthma most of my adult life. And for the last 8-10 years, I’ve had it relatively under control with a fabulous medication called Advair. When I started TTC, I did a little research, and found out that Advair is a Category C drug. For those of you that are not familiar with the categories, here is a pretty good explanation.

I always knew that if I got pregnant, I should try to not continue to take Advair, since it was a Category C. I also take an albuterol inhaler as a rescue inhaler, which is also a Category C, but I knew that if I needed to take a rescue inhaler, that meant that I wasn’t breathing appropriately, and therefore was not getting enough oxygen, which is never good for baby. So the benefits for taking a rescue inhaler definitely outweigh the risks. Everything I read about asthma is adamant that asthma must be very well controlled in pregnancy, so I knew it was important.

So as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I stopped taking the Advair. I hadn’t had a bad episode in a long time, so I figured I would be ok. Plus I had tapered off a bit, taking it only once per day instead of the prescribed twice. I was good for about 4 days… Then it got bad. I have been taking my albuterol inhaler 5-6 times per day! This prompted me to do more research, and call my regular doctor for an appointment.

Just went today and saw my regular doctor (no undressing, no female parts discussed, what a relief!) and told him I’d like to change my medication to a Category B preventive medication. He proceeded to give me a long spiel about benefits outweighing risks, and Category C isn’t that bad, and there aren’t any asthma meds that do the same thing in Category B, and Advair is a good medication, and he would advise his own wife to continue taking it… And then I pulled out my internet research! I asked him about Pulmicort, which a Category B. He did his own research in his database while I waited, and he concluded that I did very good research on my own, and I made a good choice, and he would prescribe Pulmicort! It’s not as good as a drug as Advair, which has both a steroid and a broncho-dilator, and Pulmicort is only an inhaled steroid, but we’re going to try it out and see. The doctor thinks that I should do fine, considering what triggers my asthma.

Just goes to show you – sometimes it helps to ask Dr. Google!

Off the Chart!

Just got the results of my beta today, and I’m officially off the chart:

I’m 17 dpo, and my beta is 859. For single pregnancies, the average at 17 dpo is 132, the high is 429. For twins, the average is 154, the high is 542… Oh, the possibilities!!! I’m trying to remain calm, as I know there is a huge range of levels that are possible. And then of course, I got nervous – what if it’s a molar pregnancy? I just spoke with someone that knew someone that had a molar pregnancy, and high levels of hcg could indicate a molar pregnancy… I really want to see the heartbeat – perhaps next week? I will probably have an ultrasound next Tuesday or Wednesday – if I wait until Wednesday, the Hubs can come with me, which is probably what I need to do. That may be too early to see a heartbeat, but it will be good to see a sac(s).

My weekend in Denver went well. It was very nice to see everyone. It was very busy, and I was extremely busy playing designated driver. It’s amazing how annoying people can get when they drink, and you’re the only sober one in the room… The funniest thing is how people don’t notice that you have had 4 double tall “gin & tonics” or something (club soda with a lime – my new favorite drink – that and cranberry juice & club soda) and you seem fine. But it was fun – good to see everyone.

Remember how the Hubs was adamant that we don’t tell anyone that I’m pregnant? Yeah, he can’t keep a secret. We weren’t there for an hour and he told one of his friends! And then, later that night, he told the biggest blabber mouth of all – his brother! The next night, his brother stopped by our table where we were with two of our friends, and he told me, in front of everyone, “take care of those babies!” Since the Hubs told the BIL, I convinced Hubs that he had to tell his parents – I didn’t want them to find out from the BIL. So it’s out – at least a little – in Denver. Which makes me nervous… My therapist tells me that it’s ok to tell people about our infertility stuff, and the steps along the way, as it gives us support, and the only people that know are people that we’re very close to, but it’s still very scary!

104!!!

What a beautiful number. Today is 13 dpiui, and my beta was 104. And both my progesterone and estrogen levels look great as well!!! So incredibly excited - is this for real?????

Told the Hubs!

The Hubs finally got home last night after his trip, and as soon as he got in the door, I gave him his gift. Here’s a pic of the things I gave him:



He opened the first item – the Daddy’s Little Tax Deduction onesie, and just looked confused. Then I shouted “I’m pregnant.” He was surprised, because he had told me to wait until today’s blood test, but seriously, does he know me? Why would I wait, just because he said I should??? I had envisioned the two of us jumping up and down or something in excitement, but I think in my head, he was a thirteen year old girl, and I forgot that he is a reasonable, pragmatic kind of guy. For once in our lives, I’m now the optimist and he’s the pessimist. He kept saying, “It’s too early to get excited.” Which he’s right of course, but I really want to be positive about this! I really feel much better about this than I did the last one, simply because of the date the HPT went positive!!! So I’ve decided I’m going to continue to be positive, and he can do the worrying for both of us.

But of course, what he said has sunk in a little, and now I’m worrying… a bit. I really hope the beta numbers come back today super high…

Oh, and how am I going to make it through this weekend? We’re leaving this afternoon for Denver to see our family and friends, and we have events scheduled every day – at bars! Normally I partake in the beverages just as much as anyone, so it will be interesting trying to hide the fact that I’m not drinking. I need to come up with a good excuse – any suggestions? The Hubs is definitely not ready to tell anyone, but if it were up to me, I’d yell it to all my friends! Maybe it’s a good thing he’s being a pessimist… Although, I’d be willing to bet a LOT of money that he will tell someone, like his BF, or his mother, this weekend.

Coolest Gift Ever!

I just received in the mail an amazing and fun gift from Tishi because I successfully completed her 30 day meditation challenge! Here is a picture:

It's a uterus!!! It's from www.iheartguts.com, and I love it!!! The tag says: "When it's that time of the month, you may not like your uterus much, but hey, you wouldn't be here without one, so give props to this special reproductive organ. Besides, if you think cramps are bad, you should try childbirth." Thanks Tishi, I will cherish it always! It makes me smile just looking at it - what a happy uterus!!!

Feeling Drunk – but Not!

You know that feeling after you’ve had too much to drink and you lie down on your bed, and you start to feel like you’re going to throw up? And you sit up, and it feels better? And then you lie back down, and it feels like you’re going to throw up? And you go to the toilet, and try to throw up, and nothing? And then you lie down and it feels like you’re going to throw up? And it repeats all night… Yeah, that was last night, except obviously I didn’t have any alcohol first! I’m still a little queasy today… And I’m exhausted, as this started about an hour after I went to sleep, and continued throughout the night. I would finally get to sleep, and then about half an hour later I’d wake up, thinking I was about to throw up! This can’t be morning sickness yet, right? I think it’s too early. I’m kind of hoping it’s not morning sickness already, because one night of this was awful, I can’t imagine months of this, and it will probably get worse! Hopefully I’m just a little sick I guess. Weird.

But no matter what, none of this can ruin my thrill – I’m still pregnant!!! I POAS again this morning, and the line was a little darker… I talked to the Hubs last night on the phone for about 5 minutes, and it took everything I had to not tell him our news. I need to make it through one more night, and then I get to tell him tomorrow night! I decided I’m going to give him a gift with a couple things that I forgot I had bought over the last year: a onesie with “Daddy’s Little Tax Deduction” (we’re both CPA’s, and he was just saying while we were doing our taxes that kids would help…), a really cute sleeper with “Daddy’s Sleeping Cutie” on it, and a pregnancy book for dads called “My Boys can Swim!” It’s a funny and short book for new dads, written by a dad. Can’t wait to give it to him, and see his reaction!

I can’t be trusted

My beta is Thursday, and the Hubs told me to wait until then to find out – don’t test early. I didn’t promise not to test, I told him that I wanted to test before then, but we didn’t actually agree on anything. My plan was to test on Wednesday morning, or at least Thursday morning before the beta. Then I found out that he was going to be gone for work. He left yesterday night, and isn’t coming back until Wednesday night. Left alone, a girl cannot be responsible for her actions… right?

I wasn’t going to test. I woke up at 4:00 this morning having to pee, and stayed in bed debating with myself for about 20 minutes whether I would test. I decided no, after convincing myself I wasn’t pregnant. Then I went back to bed. At 6:30, when I woke up again, I decided to test. First I used a FRER. I looked, and there was the faintest ever second line… But it was ever so slight, I thought it probably wasn’t positive. So I walked away. Then I started thinking… I realized I hadn’t dumped out my cup o’ pee, so I grabbed the only other HPT in the house. A CBE digital. It said the most beautiful word in the world: Pregnant!!!!

I’m dying – so incredibly excited, and the Hubs is not here!!! We rarely talk on the phone when he’s at one of these trainings – only text. And I really don’t want to tell him on the phone or via text. So now I have to wait until Wednesday night to tell him??? I told the dogs all about it this morning, but they didn’t respond the way I was hoping. So now I have three whole days to get through, without telling anyone, because I can’t really tell anyone else without telling my Hubs first! (Of course, I’m telling my bloggy friends, but for some reason that doesn’t seem as bad…) But I need to come up with a cool way to tell him when he gets home. Any thoughts?

Also, I think I should be positive about this. Last time (only time) I was pregnant, when it turned out to be ectopic, the HPT never showed up as positive until the day after the positive beta – 15 days past IUI. This time, the HPT’s are positive 10 days past IUI. That has to mean my HCG levels are higher this time – right? I know I should calm myself, and hedge my excitement as I don’t know beta numbers, and I don’t know it’s in my uterus, but I’m so incredibly happy. I really think this is it!!!

Meditation is NOT for Dogs

I've developed a pretty good routine every morning for my meditation. The dogs have decided to not be very helpful with meditation - they like to interrupt. So most mornings, I wake up early, and sneak out to the living room without waking them up. They sleep in their beds in our bathroom next to our bedroom, so they can usually hear when I get up. But if I get up early enough, they're still sleeping, and they assume I'm not getting up for real. Yes, I know what my dogs assume - they tell me...

This morning, I slept a little later than normal - 7:00 instead of 6:00, so I could not sneak out - they were very restless. So I let them out, and fed them outside, hoping they would be quiet for my ten minutes of meditation. No such luck. About 5 minutes in, I heard them barking to be let inside. I tried to ignore them, which sometimes works. But they kept going, and it's way too early to let them keep barking with sleeping husband and neighbors. So I let them in, and resumed my position on the floor, telling them to not touch me. They know when I give them the command, they're not to touch me, but they have no sense of space. At one point, I could feel and smell dog breath on my face. Now these boys are 120 pounds of love each, so when I sit on the floor, and they sit on the floor, we're about the same height. I opened my eyes, and about 3 inches from my face, I saw this. Excuse the blurriness, it's what the iphone camera does when there is something that close...

Let the Madness Begin!

I did something awful today. I googled… I’m now 7 dpiui, WAY too early for symptoms. I know this, but still… I started getting crampy today. Just feels like something’s going on in my lower abdomen, and it sometimes hurts, sometimes sharp, sometimes dull. But whatever… Could still be my enlarged ovaries, or something, I told myself. But then I got chapped lips! I’m super careful about always keeping my lips moisturized – always have chapstick or something. And I never have problems because I’m so diligent. But starting yesterday, no matter how much chapstick I use, they hurt – bad! They’re kind of scaly, and rough, and super painful! Before I could stop myself, I googled “chapped lips pregnancy symptom” thinking I wouldn’t get anything, and be able to move on. But what do you know – it’s a symptom, especially in very early pregnancy! Stupid stories about chapped lips being the first sign for some women!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid (beating head against wall…)! Why do I do this to myself????

1WW

One week from today, I have my beta. I feel like I’m cheating a little – it will only be 13 dpiui, but the nurse said that will be fine. I guess I have to remember that when they tell me the number… Assuming there is a number… It’s funny – I still assume there will be a number. I’m still pretty positive this will work, even if the success rates don’t necessarily support that, and even though I have no evidence to support this conclusion. But it’s been nice to stay positive. My big anxiety is around having to wait, and being nervous about it being positive, but in the awful way it was last time… I’ve scheduled my beta for next Thursday instead of Friday, as on Thursday afternoon we board a plane for Denver to see friends and family.

We moved away from Denver – we both grew up in Colorado – almost three years ago, and we both miss the people there a lot, so we try to go back often. This time we found plane tickets for only $150 each, so it was a very easy decision to go. We’ll be spending time with the Hubs’ family, and seeing our friends as well. We have plans Thursday night (meeting a bunch of friends at a bar – we tell everyone to meet us for happy hour, and it’s amazing how many people show up), Friday during the day (FIL’s birthday), and Saturday night (friend’s 40th birthday party). So this will all be good to distract me after the beta if it’s negative. Or if it’s positive… And if it’s positive, I’ll have to bite my tongue and not tell anyone – well maybe… And if it’s negative, I will have plenty of opportunities to drink my sorrows away – totally healthy, I know.

One of the things I like best about the Hubs is how social he is, and as we used to work at the same company, we have a lot of combined friends. We have maintained our friendships with most of the people because of the Hubs’ efforts, which is nice. Our social life in Denver was quite active, and we haven’t really made the same effort in Houston – where we live now. We moved here for the Hubs job, and we always thought we would live here for 2-3 years, and then move back. It’s been almost three years… The Hubs is considering quitting his job, but I found a job that I really enjoy and I predict will work with me when I have kids. If it was completely up to me, I would prefer to stay here. We’ve made a good life for ourselves – we have a nice house, and great jobs (at least I do…) and some good friends.

But when I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to do this weekend if the Hubs won’t help me distract me, I don’t know who to call. I don’t really have any friends that I could call and ask to do something with me, or at least any that I’ve done something like that with before. All of our friends here are people that we hang out with together, after work or something. But none that I would feel comfortable asking to help in the Distract Alex project. I have one good friend at work that I’ve done stuff with outside of work, but she has a baby, and the very last thing I want to do is spend all day with a baby. I know, awful. But it’s how I’m feeling right now, and that’s ok – right? It just makes me think about staying here in Houston, and whether it will be good to stay here much longer. As the Hubs is trying to decide what to do with his job, we’re trying to decide if he should look for something here or back in Denver, and the thought of not having anyone to call to hang out with on a Saturday makes me want to go back to Denver…

Thanks to everyone for your great ideas about what to do with distracting myself this weekend! I had pretty much decided to do something by myself, like go to museums that I’ve never seen, when the Hubs put a wrench in my plans. I had suggested a bunch of stuff – things that he likes to do – and he had shot them all down. But last night, he said we should spend Saturday at a big nursery that’s pretty far away, but is supposed to be nice, looking for plants to replace some dead ones in our yard. And then on Sunday, we’ll work on the yard. And Sunday night, he made plans with another couple for us to see the Iron Man movie – not my favorite type of movie, but I sure love Robert Downey Jr.! So he finally stepped up! I’m looking forward to this weekend – finally!!!

Thanks to all of you for being here in this wait with me – I couldn’t do it without you!!!

Time Moves So Slow!

I have officially made it to the point where I am not handling the wait well. I find out if this IUI worked one week from tomorrow, and every day is so slow. Everything annoys me, I can’t sit still, I need to be distracted by work and other things, but I find myself wasting time at work – not getting anything done, because I surf the internet, or read blogs, or do anything but getting my mind off this stupid wait! I’ve told the Hubs that we need to do something really fun and distracting this weekend, but he doesn’t want to do anything! I’m really trying to express my needs during this time, but he doesn’t seem to get it. We’re not in the best place right now…

I also have started to plan my testing strategy. Last IUI, I started testing around 9dpo, and that was ridiculous. Not only did it increase my stress level, but I never tested positive. The morning of my beta, it was negative. Imagine my surprise when the nurse called that afternoon and said my blood test was positive. Granted, it was only at 25, and the good tests just start detecting around 25, but still, it drove me nuts. It was so low because it turned out to be ectopic, but boy those were some nice days when I thought I was having a baby… I’m going to try to wait to test until the morning of my beta, but boy it will be hard. Maybe the day before? What do you guys think is the best strategy? Can’t believe I’m thinking about all this now – I have a week to go! How in the world will I make it????

Mother’s Day

I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day. To me, it represents all the same stuff as most infertiles – the day to honor our mothers, and the day we’re jealous of mothers… But it also represents the day I started wanting to be a mother. I remember it like it was yesterday, although it was a completely different life.

It was Mother’s Day 2002. I got married to my first husband in August 2001. I always knew that I shouldn’t have married my husband, I was even very upset on our wedding day. I don’t know how to explain it – it just happened. But I wanted to make it work. I was a complete workaholic, and I really liked my job and my company. And he was nice and supportive, so I figured it would work forever. It probably would have if things wouldn’t have turned out so bad in other areas of our life. Our plan was to get married, wait a few years, and then have kids. Sounds good, right? Well in March 2002 my company started to fall apart. It was a huge company, and it was indicted (later overturned) and ended up collapsing. During this uncertainty with my employment, I started to question whether I wanted to put all my energies into my job and career. Up until then I defined myself completely by my job, or my education before that, and I started to think there was something else in my life that I should be focusing on instead of my job. Suddenly I realized that just because I was always there for my employer, it would not always be there for me, and maybe I needed to focus on what I wanted out of my life. These are the thoughts that started whirling around in my head that spring. And then it was Mother’s Day.

I remember it so clearly – I was at home alone all day, and I spent the day calling all the mothers I knew, and wishing them a Happy Mother’s Day. It was actually a really nice day, talking to a lot of people in my life. And for the first time in my life, I started thinking it was the right time to be a mother. I’ve always known that I wanted to do that in the future, but it became the time – I really wanted to be a mother. My husband (at the time) came home that evening, and I just looked at him and said, “I want to be a mother – I want a baby.” And to my surprise, he said, “OK.” So we started trying right away. And it didn’t work out very well. We weren’t successful, and it broke me. This started a depression that almost took over me completely.

A little over a year after that Mother’s Day, after months of trying and not succeeding, after a cervical cancer scare, after crying hysterically while visiting my best friend in the hospital when she had her first child, after losing that best friend as a friend at all, after losing my job as the company collapsed, after supporting my husband when he lost his job, I hit rock bottom and ended up in a hospital for about a week to treat my depression. Yes, I was in the mental ward of a hospital with all the crazies, addicts and super-depressed. I got on some good meds, found a good therapist, took a couple months off work (went on disability), and worked on myself. I realized that I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I felt trapped; I had to get out, and focus on myself. I got better, and I went back to work, and I filed for a divorce. But I still didn’t know who I was – I wanted a label.

That’s always been the problem – I’ve always identified myself with a certain label or identity, and completely thrown myself into being the best whatever I could possibly be. Until I was 22, I was a great student. Up until that Mother’s Day, when I was almost 27, I was a great worker in my chosen profession. And since then, I’ve wanted to be a mother, and have never been successful. Even when I stopped trying, it was because there were other elements in my life that took over – depression, divorce, new relationship, relationship with someone who wasn’t ready. But just because I was in a place where I shouldn’t be trying, I still wanted to try. I wanted to be a mother, and I knew that when I got back on that TTC road, I would have trouble, and a baby wouldn’t come easily.

Here I am, eight years later, and a baby isn’t coming easily. This Mother’s Day, I hope that I am a mother. I hope this IUI worked, and there is a little one inside me, starting to grow. I will find out next week if I am a mother, but I feel like a mother today. I want to protect this little one inside me, and meet it very soon – well not too soon… Maybe early next year…