Yesterday was not a good day for being nice. As tomorrow morning's ultrasound looms, I am getting more and more nervous about the results. And I have to admit, I think I'm not handling it very well. Plus my MIL is still here, and she's really annoying me. Can't wait to drop her off at the airport today...
I talked to my mom yesterday. She and I have the hardest time getting along - we always have. There is something off with our relationship, and for some reason, it just never seems to work. It's so weird. For my first IUI in January, she was pretty good. She called every week, and checked on me. She was happy for me when I got pregnant, and then sad with me when I found out it was ectopic. And sometime since then she started dropping off... I would call her, and it would take 2 weeks for her to call me back. I told her I was starting another IUI cycle, and then she never called again. I sent her a gift for Mother's Day, and called her twice on that day, but never was able to reach her, and didn't hear from her until yesterday.
I told my mom that I was pregnant yesterday, and she reacted a little lukewarm. She said, "hopefully you got pregnant naturally, and didn't do it artificially, right?" I told her, that like I had told her before, I was doing another IUI cycle, and no, I didn't get pregnant naturally. She responded, "well if it's any consolation, I know someone else who did it artificially, and she had kids." She really emphasized the consolation thing... I responded by telling her that I didn't need a consolation, and I was ok with doing it artificially, and I was very excited to be pregnant, and it didn't matter to me whether I did it "artificially" or "naturally." So then she asked me if I knew the sex. I said no, reminded her that it was still very early, and I don't know the sex, and won't know for a long time. I told her that I was going in on Monday, and hopefully I was see a sac in my uterus, and later I would see a heartbeat, and that perhaps there would be more than one baby. She said, "Oh that would be awful!" Then I lost it. I told her it wouldn't be awful, it may be hard, but it wouldn't be awful - we are very excited to be pregnant, and there's nothing about it that's "awful"! She stammered a little, said she had to go, and hung up.
I called her this morning, got her voice mail, and apologized for reacting poorly yesterday. I said I am very nervous, and very sensitive, and even though she didn't mean her comments as negative, I took them as such. I know she really didn't mean to be negative - she was just responding as she does. But it really hurt. But I think it's best if I just apologize and try to make nice.
Then my MIL tried to talk to me last night. She really tries to make an effort, but just has no clue about what to say. And at least she said that - she doesn't know what to say to me. She was asking about the next steps. I told her about the ultrasound on Monday and the implications. And she keeps repeating that she just wants me to be healthy. After the ectopic, the only thing she kept saying is that she was happy that I was ok, that the ectopic didn't hurt me or kill me or something. And that we made the right choice - to terminate the ectopic. She doesn't get it. There was no choice. I had to terminate it. I wasn't concerned about my life - I was concerned about this baby that I thought I was going to have. For those few days, I was pregnant, and I started making plans and dreaming about the future. I could give a rat's ass about my own life at that point - all I wanted was to make sure that baby that I could picture, that I had begun to love, would be ok. So when she keeps talking about me being healthy and thank goodness I terminated the ectopic as it saved my life or some bullshit, I just get angry! She doesn't get it - I lost my baby!!!
So I sat her down and tried to explain it to her. That it would be really helpful if she stopped talking about me being healthy, and started talking about the baby or babies being healthy. And then I told her that if anything happened - if I lost this baby - that she should act as if it was a loss. As if I lost my baby. As if I was any other mother whose child died, and please treat it as a loss. Because to me, I am a mother. (I mentioned Mother's Day yesterday, and she gave me a hug and said "I can't wait for you to be a mother, and then we can start celebrating Mother's Day for you!) For the last two weeks, I've known I was pregnant, and I've fallen in love with whatever is inside me. And if anything happens, it will be a loss. She looked at me like I had lost my mind, but she tried at least to understand.
I know I'm being ultra-sensitive, and she really is trying her best to be helpful. But I really felt like I needed to explain myself! And why am I trying to explain to people how to treat me if this doesn't work out? Oh I'm so scared for tomorrow's ultrasound.