Wait and see – that’s what the nurse told me to do. Wait and see. Wait and see if there will be a heartbeat. Wait and see if my baby will live. Wait and see.
How the hell do you wait and see??? I left work yesterday after posting about my conversation with the nurse, and was planning on going to my therapist. Good timing, right? Last time I found out it was ectopic on a Monday, which is the day I see my therapist, so I went to see her that evening, and just cried the entire session. I was planning on doing the same last night, but on my way there, I looked at my phone and noticed she left me a voice mail – she was sick. She wanted me to return her phone call and I did, trying to hold myself together. Didn’t want to worry her. So instead I went home and cried to my dogs. The Hubs is in NJ right now f0r work. Which sucks – I really wish he was here. He’ll get back late tonight, and hopefully he’ll be able to go to the appointment with me on Thursday.
I made it through the night, and somehow got myself dressed and am at work, but I can’t concentrate on anything. Just trying to function and make it through the day. My mom called me – surprising, considering she sent me a ridiculous email yesterday in response to my voice mail apologizing for being too sensitive. I told her via voice mail on Sunday that I was really nervous about this pregnancy, and that is why I didn’t respond to her “awful” comment about having multiples very well. Well she sent me an email yesterday saying she wasn’t saying it would be awful about having multiples, she was saying it was awful that she had a baby project almost done, and if it was multiples, she would have to do more! How fucking absurd!!! I don’t know why she lies like this. Anyway, she called me today, and could tell I was upset, so she was really nice. Of course, that made me cry. Why is it that no matter how old I get, and no matter how many problems I have with my parents, as soon as I talk to them, I feel like a little child, and just melt! So I started crying hysterically at work – definitely not something I wanted to do today. Of course right after I hung up, my boss walked into my office, noticed I was crying, and said he would come back. Super professional, right? Thank goodness he didn’t mention anything when I calmed down and went to see what he wanted. Please ignore my crying, boss.
I just want everything to go ok. I really thought the problem was that I couldn’t get pregnant, but once I got pregnant, it would be ok. When I got pregnant in January, I thought that was it - I had finally succeeded. My hormone levels were really low, but I didn’t know any better – I was so focused on the fact that I was pregnant. Then I found out it was ectopic. OK, so maybe I have a hard time getting pregnant – and it got stuck in my tube. So as long as I was able to get pregnant, and it could travel through my tube, then it would be ok, right? But now, I have a baby in my uterus. My levels were good. But I still have problems??? I don’t understand. I’m really hoping it’s the vanishing twin thing that people have mentioned (thanks to everyone for giving me hope!!!). Perhaps one of them died, and that’s causing the lower hcg levels? But then we would still be able to see it in the ultrasound I think. Granted it wouldn’t be very big, but I think we would be able to see it. But what if it was ectopic? Before my bloodwork came back yesterday, I was worried that there was one baby in my uterus, and then one in my tube. What would happen then? Obviously I couldn’t take methotrexate – could I have surgery to remove the baby in my tube and keep the baby in my uterus? Can’t believe I just wrote that…
And also I’m wondering if the methotrexate that I took in February to remove the ectopic pregnancy is still in my system and hurting the cellular growth of my baby – perhaps that is the reason why the hcg isn’t rising like they want? The doc said I should wait two months, but other people have been told they should wait three months. What if we did the IUI too soon? The nurse keeps asking to make sure I’m taking my prenatals. Of course I am – plus additional folic acid! I would do anything to save this baby, but I don’t know what else I can do.
So I wait. Going through the motions at work. Trying to do simple projects that don’t take my energy too much. Trying not to cry. My therapist called me – worried. I haven’t returned her phone call yet. She probably would want me to come in, but she’ll probably only have time during the day. But I won’t be able to go back to work after a session – I would look like a wreck! Plus what’s the point of going – I would just sit there and cry. And there’s nothing I can do – just wait and see what happens on Thursday.