Wait and see – that’s what the nurse told me to do. Wait and see. Wait and see if there will be a heartbeat. Wait and see if my baby will live. Wait and see.
How the hell do you wait and see??? I left work yesterday after posting about my conversation with the nurse, and was planning on going to my therapist. Good timing, right? Last time I found out it was ectopic on a Monday, which is the day I see my therapist, so I went to see her that evening, and just cried the entire session. I was planning on doing the same last night, but on my way there, I looked at my phone and noticed she left me a voice mail – she was sick. She wanted me to return her phone call and I did, trying to hold myself together. Didn’t want to worry her. So instead I went home and cried to my dogs. The Hubs is in NJ right now f0r work. Which sucks – I really wish he was here. He’ll get back late tonight, and hopefully he’ll be able to go to the appointment with me on Thursday.
I made it through the night, and somehow got myself dressed and am at work, but I can’t concentrate on anything. Just trying to function and make it through the day. My mom called me – surprising, considering she sent me a ridiculous email yesterday in response to my voice mail apologizing for being too sensitive. I told her via voice mail on Sunday that I was really nervous about this pregnancy, and that is why I didn’t respond to her “awful” comment about having multiples very well. Well she sent me an email yesterday saying she wasn’t saying it would be awful about having multiples, she was saying it was awful that she had a baby project almost done, and if it was multiples, she would have to do more! How fucking absurd!!! I don’t know why she lies like this. Anyway, she called me today, and could tell I was upset, so she was really nice. Of course, that made me cry. Why is it that no matter how old I get, and no matter how many problems I have with my parents, as soon as I talk to them, I feel like a little child, and just melt! So I started crying hysterically at work – definitely not something I wanted to do today. Of course right after I hung up, my boss walked into my office, noticed I was crying, and said he would come back. Super professional, right? Thank goodness he didn’t mention anything when I calmed down and went to see what he wanted. Please ignore my crying, boss.
I just want everything to go ok. I really thought the problem was that I couldn’t get pregnant, but once I got pregnant, it would be ok. When I got pregnant in January, I thought that was it - I had finally succeeded. My hormone levels were really low, but I didn’t know any better – I was so focused on the fact that I was pregnant. Then I found out it was ectopic. OK, so maybe I have a hard time getting pregnant – and it got stuck in my tube. So as long as I was able to get pregnant, and it could travel through my tube, then it would be ok, right? But now, I have a baby in my uterus. My levels were good. But I still have problems??? I don’t understand. I’m really hoping it’s the vanishing twin thing that people have mentioned (thanks to everyone for giving me hope!!!). Perhaps one of them died, and that’s causing the lower hcg levels? But then we would still be able to see it in the ultrasound I think. Granted it wouldn’t be very big, but I think we would be able to see it. But what if it was ectopic? Before my bloodwork came back yesterday, I was worried that there was one baby in my uterus, and then one in my tube. What would happen then? Obviously I couldn’t take methotrexate – could I have surgery to remove the baby in my tube and keep the baby in my uterus? Can’t believe I just wrote that…
And also I’m wondering if the methotrexate that I took in February to remove the ectopic pregnancy is still in my system and hurting the cellular growth of my baby – perhaps that is the reason why the hcg isn’t rising like they want? The doc said I should wait two months, but other people have been told they should wait three months. What if we did the IUI too soon? The nurse keeps asking to make sure I’m taking my prenatals. Of course I am – plus additional folic acid! I would do anything to save this baby, but I don’t know what else I can do.
So I wait. Going through the motions at work. Trying to do simple projects that don’t take my energy too much. Trying not to cry. My therapist called me – worried. I haven’t returned her phone call yet. She probably would want me to come in, but she’ll probably only have time during the day. But I won’t be able to go back to work after a session – I would look like a wreck! Plus what’s the point of going – I would just sit there and cry. And there’s nothing I can do – just wait and see what happens on Thursday.
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Oh, honey. If anyone understands how hard it is to wait, it's me! Just hang in there as best you can. Don't feel bad if you need to lose it -- sometimes that actually can make you feel better. Try to distract yourself as best as you can. In the meantime, know that you have people who care about you and are rooting both you and Baby along.
ReplyDeleteBig HUGS,
Jo
There's a point in going...getting it all out on the table with the therapist and just letting it out rather than trying to keep it together. Can you take a personal day from work? Do *whatever* you can right now to take care of you. Taking care of you, takes care of baby.
ReplyDeleteWe're all thinking of you guys. XO
Just know that we're all here waiting with you and sending you so much love and support. I wish so much that you weren't having to go through so much stress and pain. So many ((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteIf there is any way you can possibly leave work early today, I hope that you will. And I continue to send you positive vibes and all the hope that everything is a-ok and the Beta is just a smidge behind. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI just read somewhere that a twin is often missed in early ultrasounds and sometimes until 8 or 9 weeks isn't seen. I don't want to give you false hope, but there may be an explanation for what's going on, as others have suggested. It's so hard waiting for the next piece of data. And I know it's so hard not to think back to all of the horrible stuff you've been through as some kind of predictor of what's going to happen here. But, I think there's still hope. Take care and know that we're here if you need us.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to wait when it seems like everything hangs on the results. I'm praying hard for you.
ReplyDelete~ICLW#25
For me the second loss was SOOO much harder than the first. the first is a fluke, right? But after 2, you really start to feel like you are broken. I feel like I'll be more ready to lose #3, should I ever conceive #3, and should it not make it... I won't be excited about #3, I'll just be scared and cautiously hopeful. Enough about me.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, these possibilities only exist in our heads right now. You are still pregnant, and I imagine that there is a good chance that this is just a scare. I hope, because I too don't really know. I wish the nurse or the RE could have given you more information. I hate when they don't.
I hate crying at work, and I'm sorry your boss had to see. Maybe you should take a sick day... or 5? I know your RE would provide a dr.'s note if you need one.
Believe me, I understand the waiting in limbo. I'm so sorry it's happening to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. I am keeping everything crossed that this is a sticky bean here to stay. XOXO
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm exactly the same way when I talk to my parents--or anyone I know cares about me deeply. I might have thought I had it together, but then I lose it.
ReplyDeleteTwo more days until Thursday
God I hate the waiting. There has been too much waiting for us already so I completely know how you feel. There are so many positive points - they have seen a sac on the scan, your numbers ARE rising even if they are a bit slow.
ReplyDeleteI have an appt thursday too - I hope it is good news for both of us xxx
My mom had a twin pregnancy in 1986. She had just moved to Alaska and then started bleeding. They did an ultrasound and only found one baby, but she delivered two placentas. So maybe you did have two and that explains the HCG being lower. Let all those feelings out, because it's worse to keep them in! My thoughts are with you right now!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this sweetie.. I hope and pray you are going to get the answers you have been praying for on Thursday. I am keeping positive for you and for a healthy and happy 9 months of pregnancy! Sending you positive vibes that I hope will reach you.... {{{{hugs}}}}}
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh Alex. This sounds so hard. Sending many hugs and positive thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteAlex, I understand how difficult this is. I have gone through 2 losses, one ectopic, one miscarriage. I think it is good that this pregnancy is in the uterus and you don't have to bear the burden of another ectopic.
ReplyDeleteBut, the waiting is incredibly hard, in fact it is just torturous. I am crossing my fingers for you that Thursday's scan reveals good news. I am here for you no matter what happens and appreciate your support on my blog so much.
In regards to what your mum said-how annoying! This is not all about her. UGH!
I will be checking back on you. (((HUGS)))
I am sorry this is happening to you. I am hoping it all works out for you. Hugs
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how hard this wait must be for you. Hang in there ... I am thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed that everything is okay.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry that you are going through this. I am crossing my fingers and toes that you got on from here to an easy and healthy 9 months. Hang in there. Sending love your way.
ReplyDelete~from LFCA~