Rollercoaster

First, I can’t tell you how much your support and kind words mean to me. When I’m feeling down, or nervous, it helps so much to read your comments – they really are like virtual hugs. Thank you to all of you, from the bottom of my heart. Going through this with you by my side makes it better – truly!

This morning’s scan went well. There is growth. The baby is GROWING – just want to yell that a little bit!!! It measured at 5 weeks 1 day on Monday, and today it was 5 weeks 5 days. So it looks good – I think. At first she said that I measured 5 weeks 2 days, and I said that wasn’t very good since it was 5 weeks 1 day on Monday – four days ago. So then she changed the angle, and she measured 5 weeks 5 days – all good! Seriously??? Makes me think they don’t know what the hell they’re doing… We talked for awhile with the nurse and fluctuating hcg levels, and she said that sometimes it just changes – no reason. WTF??? And why the fuck didn’t you mention that on Monday??? I know that we fertility patients need a lot of hand holding, and really like the constant attention. But sometimes I wonder if it’s just better not to be closely monitored. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t have every little change in my hormone levels monitored, and days counted on the ultrasound. But for now, I am still pregnant. We haven’t yet seen a heartbeat, but it’s still early. And I go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound. Yes, I said that it may not be good to go so often, but I’m still jumping on that stupid table and being wanded as much as they’ll let me…

Oh and my hcg level is ___. Apparently over 5,000, they don’t even measure the exact amount. So I don’t know if it doubled, or tripled, or just rose 25% each 48 hours – it would all be over 5,000. I guess once it gets this high, it’s better to just look at the ultrasound – the hcg levels are unreliable… Uh yeah, thanks for letting me know – this would have been nice information to have four days ago!!!

OK, I’m done ranting. I’m simply happy that everything is ok and that my baby appears to be growing. Also I’m happy that the Hubs and I are doing better. Last night was NOT good.

Hubs is not the best supporter in bad times. Or at least in times when he doesn’t understand why you perceive them as bad. He finally told me last night that he had done a bunch of research on the internet, and he didn’t think my levels were that bad, and I shouldn’t be worrying. First, he consults Dr. Google too??? Why didn’t I know this? It kind of makes me feel better that I’m not the only one trying to find answers in the great world wide web. But second, why is it that my googling only results in bad answers, and his googling results in good answers???? Is he hitting a different button? Or is it his perception? Why is he being the super optimist and I can’t get out of pessimist land? And the third thing is, he cares enough to spend time on google!!! I know this should come as no surprise, right? Of course he cares – he’s my husband and also wants children, and we did all this for a reason, right? But sometimes I wonder. He seems so noncommittal. He doesn’t want to talk about it all the time (or at all!) like I do, he just assumes everything will work out just fine. He absolutely refuses to be compassionate to me if I’m upset. And he will not tell me how he feels. At least I know this isn’t just about children. I remember him being so surprised when I was so thrilled when he proposed – after five years of dating, after buying a house together, and moving across the country together. I was so thrilled because it was validation that he really truly liked and loved me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, just like I wanted to with him! And somehow, I wasn’t sure about that before he popped the question… Perhaps I’m a little insecure, and perhaps he doesn’t provide assurance, or perhaps it’s a little of both. Needless to say, he and I were not at all on the same page last night – I was worrying, and he thought I was ridiculously obsessing, and then I thought he didn’t care because he wasn’t worrying, or even respecting my feelings… Definitely didn’t go well, but we are now better. He came to my appointment with me, and we talked a little this morning. We were walking out of the appointment and he said, “It looks like everything’s ok, right?” And I said, “I guess.” And he said, “I just wanted to hear you say that.” Also he said that he was very happy the clinic doesn’t measure the hcg over 5,000! He wants off this rollercoaster as much as I do!

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OK – I had all of the above written, and was just waiting for the hcg levels, so I could fill in the blank and post this. I was very confident that it was over 5,000. And it was. The nurse called me, and said my blood levels were all good, but can I please come in this afternoon for another ultrasound? She said the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound on me, as they hadn’t yet seen the heartbeat, and he wanted to look at me before the long weekend. I thought it was very bizarre, but I agreed to go back in.

I hopped back up on the table, and had the longest ultrasound ever – about 40 minutes of wandy time. Turns out they weren’t really concerned about the baby in the uterus – everything still looks fine (measured 5 weeks 6 days – which is today – this afternoon!), and it’s normal to not show a heartbeat yet, given that it’s still early. But they are concerned because I have a lot of fluid in my abdomen next to my left ovary, and my fallopian tube looks swollen – they think I may have another baby in my tube. But they’re not sure. After 40 minutes of scanning (which sucked – my legs were shaking at the end), they concluded that I don’t appear to be in imminent danger, especially considering I haven’t had any sharp pains. But I’m not allowed to leave town, and I should rest most of the weekend, and call the doctor on call immediately if I have any pain. There’s a chance that I will have to go in for emergency surgery and remove my left tube, along with the baby in the tube, but they think I will be able to keep the baby in my uterus. And of course there’s the possibility that there isn’t a baby in my tube, my tube is just swollen and there’s fluid from the ovary being hyperstimulated! And in the meantime, I’m supposed to wait and see and just come back on Tuesday to check out my tube, and maybe the baby in my uterus will have a heartbeat…

At this point, I’m so tired of riding up and down on the rollercoaster, but this news for some reason didn’t really upset me. I only care about that little baby in my uterus, and whatever happens, it sounds like we can save that little guy. So what if they take my tube – I have another one, and I can have IVF for baby #2 if needed. And I can’t really think about the possible baby in the tube. All I care about is keeping baby #1 alive and well. And for now, my little one is ok.