Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Birth Father

In cycle news, everything looks good. Went in for monitoring, and I have lots of growing wonderful follies. My estradiol is 1,692, which isn’t much more than Monday’s of 1,534, so they’re increasing Menopur back to 150, keep Gonal-F/Follistim at 150, and keep taking Cetrotide. They said the estradiol can also drop a bit when you start the Cetrotide, so shouldn’t be too worried. And come back on Friday for more monitoring.

In other news, I’d like to talk about my birth father, T. As a recap, I was adopted when I was 4. Prior to that time, T and my birth mother took turns taking care of me, I was in many foster homes (I think 18), and part of the time I lived with T’s sister, and then another time I lived with T’s mother. Both T and birth mother were alcoholics, and drug addicts. They weren’t young – they were both in their late 20's. Both were homeless, and therefore so was I. Both are now sober. They were never married, and T now is married to a nice woman. My parents (this is the term I use for adoptive parents – you know, the ones who raised me – my REAL parents (yes, it’s a pet peave of mine that people refer to birth parents as real parents)) kept in contact with T’s sister and mother, so T and his family always knew where I was. Birth mom didn’t keep in contact. I’ve spoken with her a couple of times in my adult life, but it always ends up with birth mom crying on the phone, and it’s really hard to talk with her. She’s still not very stable.

Anyway, T and I started talking on the phone a few years ago. For awhile there, he would call me, or I would call him, about every month. It’s started to decline in frequency about a year ago, and I haven’t been making a huge effort. He’s really nice, and he definitely wants to see me, but I haven’t been ready. I just don’t know what to say to this guy. Our conversations are so awkward. T is really into music, he plays quite a few instruments, and he’s a bit of a hippy. He’s a retired school teacher, and he’s all about his music – seriously, he plays in public probably 2-3 times per week. He’s someone I would call “artsy.” I am definitely not artsy. He keeps talking about how I used to play the piano growing up, but this is only because my Mom forced it on me. Yes, I was pretty good, but that’s because I practiced one hour a day – every day! And as soon as I could quit taking lessons, I did. Sure I played classical music, but I don’t remember which songs – he keeps asking if I played this song or not – I can’t remember. And I don’t listen to it now. I have this idea that I would love to be all musical and stuff, but I’m just not. I’m an accountant who really likes her job, her dogs, her house and I’m not very artsy or crafty and definitely not musical. This would be fine that we have nothing in common, except T keeps focusing on music in our conversations, trying to forge some kind of connection, because I used to play the piano. He keeps encouraging me to buy a piano, or at least a keyboard, so I can take up playing again. I’ve thought about it, and I’d like a piano someday, but all I really want is a baby, so all our extra money goes to that…

He called me a couple weeks ago, left a message, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t call him back. Then he sent me an email with a link to a video of him playing his guitar. The email says, “Hi Alex, Awhile back I left a message on your cell, I’ll try again in a few days… Meanwhile here’s a youtube of one of my favorite guitar pieces. I used to play it at home in your first 4 years of life…Love, T” This breaks my heart. I know he’s trying to make a connection. I watched the video – yes, there he is, playing the guitar, and I feel awful about this, but I just don’t feel anything! I wish I could feel more connected, but I just don’t.

I talked with my therapist about this, and she said it’s ok to not feel connected. That I’m grieving the loss of the fantasy I had about reconnecting with my birth father. I guess this makes sense, but I just feel awful that he wants this relationship so bad, and I’m kind of ambivalent about it. I asked her what to do about his email – I don’t want to talk with him right now, I just can’t muster up the energy right now to talk to him about music, when all I can think of is this IVF. We talked more, and I finally admitted that part of the reason I can’t talk with T is I don’t understand him, I’m angry at him. I’m working so hard right now to have this baby that is in my head, that I don’t understand how someone could give up a child for adoption. And I’m having a really hard time connecting right now with someone who gave me up…

My therapist told me to be honest with him, and tell him that I didn’t want to talk, that I’m going through IVF, that I’ve had miscarriages, and that I’m angry that he gave me up when I’m having trouble having a baby. I agree with her on everything but the last point – I don’t want to hurt him. So I sent him an email, thanking him for sending the video, apologizing for being out of touch, and I told him about TTC, doing treatments and having two miscarriages. I told him I would prefer to not talk on the phone for awhile. He responded, “When you didn’t respond to my cell phone voice mail message, I figured you were extremely busy with your professional and or personal lie. As it turns out, that was the case. I’ll be waiting for you to make the next telephone call as I respect you and your feelings completely. Good luck with your procedures. Love, T” I feel so bad – he really is a nice guy, but I just can’t do it right now.

And yet another person when I tell them that I’ve had miscarriages, no response… I hate to keep harping on that, but why is it so difficult to say, “I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriages.” Or SOMETHING!

I feel so conflicted about continuing my relationship with T. I know I should, it would make him very happy. But it would be so easy to let it go. I’m afraid this makes me an awful person, but it’s just so hard dealing with all the emotions involved. I always had this fantasy of reconnecting with my birth parents when I had a baby. I think it would be easier to see them if I brought their grandchild with me, and if we had something to talk about, something to bond over, like a baby. I guess that’s another part of the fantasy that I’m grieving over. At least the grief that I haven’t been able to do this yet. Maybe someday…

21 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing all of this information about your life, and how it feels to be adopted. I think the way you describe feeling makes a lot of sense, especially in light of your struggles. I think you did the right thing by putting yourself and your needs first right now, and it's great he was respectful of that....

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  2. I think this is too much on your plate right now. You don't need any added stress as you go through IVF so I think that's a good plateau for not wanting to converse with him for now. I agree that things might be more comfortable once you have your baby and can introduce them, if you feel like doing so. I think you have been very generous in being upfront with him and he knows that now is just not the time.

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  3. It is DEFINITELY ok to drop this farce of a relationship. You don't owe your birth father anything. I totally get that he is a nice guy and is putting in an effort, but a relationship really takes 2 who want to pursue it. And you DON'T want to pursue it. So it is 100% within your rights and privileges as a human being not to. It certainly isn't your fault that there is no bond between you already, it's his fault. Now he wants to try to remedy the situation, which I think is totally admirable, and I also think that it is great for you to know that he really does care. But that doesn't mean you have to reciprocate!

    Think if it as analogous to if your husband dumped you, and then came crawling back 20 years later. Yes, you'd appreciate that he was sorry, but you wouldn't just marry him again out of a sense of responsibility!

    It sounds like your birth father understands and will wait for you to make the next move. Maybe one day you'll feel like it. I would write him back and say "Thanks for understanding. Maybe someday I'll be ready to pursue a relationship with you, but I just really don't know. This is very hard for me, and I need time." That buys you a good 20-30 years... the same amount of time that it took him to come back around to you!!! You don't deserve less time than he got, for goodness sakes!

    I wish I had your email address, as I have a few more personal things to add to this-- email me at leslie_lt_west@yahoo.com if you want.

    -Lesley

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  4. I think it sounds like you're doing the right thing, especially right now, and I'm glad that he respects that. If you ever do decide to pursue a relationship with him, I'm sure it will be easier since he is letting you take care of you right now. Huge hugs!

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  5. Number one, first and foremost, please don't feel bad about how you feel and about your decisions. They are uniquely yours and you are a strong, beautiful, smart woman who makes good decisions and who knows herself. It sounds like your therapist was right on target. It's important to be open and honest. I also think it was great how your birth dad responded...Now, you can spend time on yourself and focus on the things that are very important to you, such as IVF. Sometimes in life we have to call a timeout...and that's okay! As women we feel like we have to be all things to all people, but the simple truth is that we don't. And it's liberating to take a step back, call a timeout and focus on what's important.

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  6. One thing that has gotten me through the last year is being selfish and putting MY needs above anyone else's. This is all hard enough as it is, but add pressure from other people and it can be unbearable. I don't think you are doing a bad thing by putting things with him on hold until you are ready. And it sounds like he's okay with that and understands.

    And yay for your cycle professing well!

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  7. Thanks for sharing all of this. That is such a tough situation to deal with. It's got to be so hard to feel empathy for his situation given yours. But, also very hard not to feel guilty that you really don't need this in your life right now. I've dealt with a similar though very different situation with my father and it's hard to remember that you need to do what is best for you. He does sound like a good guy, now, but it also sounds like he understands that you need to be there for yourself first and this relationship just isn't a priority or something positive for you right now. So, do what you need.

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  8. I became emotional and teary just reading this. I can't imagine the emotional struggle a situation like this on top of the IF struggle. I think you made the right move by emailing him and explaining the whole TTC thing to him. He does seem like a nice guy, but you can't allow yourself to feel guilty if you aren't ready to forge some kind of lasting relationship with him.

    On a random note, I nominated you for a little blog award. You can read about it on the latest post on my blog :)

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  9. Wow, thank you for opening up about this. I have a similarly awkward relationship with my father, so I know how tough it can be. I went through years of therapy before I realized that my expectations of this man were too high, and that I had to let go of that fantasy of who I wanted my father to be and start realizing who he actually is. It's emotional and difficult, I know. But to have to go through this now, when you are already facing so much? I can't imagine. I think you did the right thing by e-mailing him, and I am glad that he is respecting your decision to maintain distance right now. You need to do what's best for you, above all else.

    (((hugs)))

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  10. Here's what I think: There is no "should" here. You don't get to choose not to have a child and then choose to have her again when it's convenient. If your real dad were reaching out to you and you didn't want to deal with him, I would feel differently about it, but this guy gave up his rights to be part of your life when...well, when he gave up his rights to be part of your life. I'm maybe being unnecessarily protective of you, but that's how this all strikes me. Once T put you up for adoption, the ball was in your court forever. It's not your job to make him feel good. It's your job to make a perfect little baby and love it and make the choices that are best for you and your real family.

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  11. Don't feel bad about having to distance yourself from your birth father. You should do what you need to do. Plus, he sounds like he's very understanding.

    Obviously this isn't the same situation but I can kind of understand how you feel about not being able to handle the phone calls. I feel the same way about my grandmother - it's very hard to talk to her on the phone but I desperately want to keep in touch. I end up not calling her for long periods of time and feeling really guilty about it.

    You are so right about feeling like you would have a connection if there were a grandchild involved. Sad, but true. I say take as long of a break from him as you need (maybe send a few "hello" emails now and then) and then, when you feel up to it again, try to find something else besides music that you have in common (another hobby, art, food, etc.) Even if you don't have it in common specifically, if you are interested and he wants to talk about it, bonus! :)

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  12. Wow. I admire you for sending that email. Perhaps at some point you'll be ready. Perhaps you won't. Either one is ok.

    Even though I know it's painful that he couldn't at least say the words, "I'm sorry", I'm still glad that he's willing to respect your wishes.

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  13. I don't think anything you have said in this e-mail would qualify you as a bad person...NOTHING. You need to concentrate on you and your family right now, the building of that family. You can not take on the added stress of someone else's guilty conscious. Maybe someday soon you can be ready to speak with him on a deeper level, but for now keep it short and sweet.

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  14. Wow, thanks for sharing all of this info. I think you did the right thing by sending that email. You shouldn't feel bad about not being able or wanting a relationship right now. (I know easier said than done, I always feel guilty about something!) I know what you mean about people not acknowledging things when we open up. How hard is it to say "I'm sorry about xyz..." I haven't had a m/c but I get no response when I open up to people too. It's so weird. Anyways, I'm glad he's respecting your wishes. =)

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  15. Wow girl...this is a lot to handle right now...I would say focus on your right now....and when things settle down you can sort things out:)

    I am so happy your follies are doing so well and you are too:)

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  16. I think you're right to put yourself first, especially now with the IVF and everything. And I'm glad that he was understanding. Maybe in a year or two you'll be ready to reach out for him. Maybe not. Take your time -- this sounds like a difficult history, and it takes time and energy to handle all this, which right now you just cannot spare. Don't feel bad about it. (hugs)

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  17. I don't know lovely lady I think their IS something creative and amazing about accounting because for folks like me who can't figure out numbers to save their life it looks like a cool mystical language only few understand. As for your birth father just follow where your heart leads even if its not to him.

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  18. I think your email to T was perfect and it sounds like he got it. His reply seemed to contain empathy for what you are going through, even though he did not directly acknowledge the miscarriages. I hope he gives you the space you need until you are ready to contact him again.

    It sounds like you really need your family to acknowledge the losses you and the hubs have experienced. Maybe they don't know what to say or maybe they just don't get it. You talked about the hubs family recently. Have you and the hubs thought about writing a letter to family and friends that explains the emotional toll pregnancy loss and infertility takes, what a miscarriage means to you both and what kind of support you and the hubs need from family while you are going through treatments? The holidays may be an appropriate time to reflect on what you have gone through over the past year...

    Sorry if that suggestion was overly intrusive. I've been listening to many 'Creating A Family' podcasts and letter writing seems to be a common way to educate family and friends about infertility. Hugs to you.

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  19. Thanks for sharing all of this. It's great that you were honest...that's always the best approach. Thinking of you.

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  20. It so totally does NOT make you a terrible person. And I think you should completely cut yourself the slack right now not to deal with it, just as you've done (and not to let it weigh on your mind, either).

    It's interesting that he tries so hard to make a connection with you (the whole music thing) but I think it's a wonderful thing that you are an accountant that is happy with her dogs and her hubs and her life. The fact is that no parent could ask for more.

    Your history and the fact that things were so unstable in the beginning of your life is enough for you to carry. Don't add guilt because T (however well intentioned) wants a relationship with you now, and is hoping for a connection you don't feel. Who knows? Maybe one day you will. And I can understand his wanting to be a part of your life - you're pretty fabulous. But one of the joys of being an adult with a stable life is that you get to take care of yourself. And it sounds like you are doing this.

    And it also sounds like the cycle is going gangbusters:)

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  21. Also...I've tapped you for the Cherry on Top Award; stop by my blog to copy the image! xoxo

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