Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Everything’s OK – for now

I don’t know why I have to use the “for now” part - I just do. I just got back from the doc, and they did an ultrasound and everything looks good. Today I’m 5 weeks 3 days, and the sac is measuring 5 weeks 4 days, and the baby is measuring 5 weeks 6 days. They couldn’t find the source of the bleeding, so they’re assuming it is from the progesterone, or the ultrasound yesterday, or something. And the cramping – it just happens. Like I thought, the recommendation is to wait and see. Bleh!

I wish this was easier. I know too much – I know what can go wrong. I know that every twinge, every drop of blood, could mean nothing, or it could mean the beginning of the end. I want to have a positive attitude, but it’s so hard when you have experienced hell. Just a few days ago, I had a really good attitude. It was weird – I convinced myself that this was it. I’ve been thinking a lot about things lately, and realized again that nothing ever comes easily to me. This is the theme of my life. I was homeless and bouncing between foster homes prior to the age of four, adopted by people that may or may not have been good parents (mom definitely should not have been a mother, although she’s trying), went into a deep depression when I tried to get pregnant in my twenties unsuccessfully, divorced my first husband, etc. Nothing has ever come easy. But eventually, I’ve always figured things out. I’ve always persevered, and made it through.

A few days ago, I told my therapist about all of this. And how I always knew that I would struggle having a baby. Even before I started trying in my previous marriage in my twenties, I had a feeling – a gut instinct, if you will – that it would be difficult. Of course I had no idea how difficult. My first husband and I tried to get pregnant for a year, and then due to that and a few other things such as a failing marriage, I sunk into a major depression. Like the kind of depression that lands you in a hospital for a few days. I eventually got better, got my life back in order including divorcing my husband, and was able to figure things out. I started dating my future husband, and when we started getting serious, I told him it was going to be hard getting pregnant. I don’t think he believed me… But I always knew – it was going to be hard. But the question is, how hard?

When we decided to go to get assistance with an RE in November 2009, it didn’t surprise me – this was going to be hard, of course we need a doctor! When I got pregnant with the ectopic with my first IUI with injectibles last February, it was over so quickly I didn’t really think about it as far as what it meant. When I got pregnant with my second IUI in May, and everything looked ok, it surprised me. By this time I was involved in this fabulous bloggy world, and I realized what “hard” looked like – multiple IVF’s, multiple losses, years of trying without success. So I felt lucky, and a little like I was cheating. Yes, I had resorted to IUI’s with injectibles, and I had an ectopic, but it still seemed pretty easy that I was pregnant. And when I lost my baby at 8 ½ weeks, it surprised me, and yet, it didn’t. Because things don’t come easy for me.

When I went through a third IUI cycle in September and it didn’t work, it didn’t surprise me. When I went through my first IVF cycle in December and it didn’t work, it didn’t surprise me. But then I wondered – had I been through enough? It feels like enough, but it hasn’t yet broken me. A few days ago, I was convinced that I had been through enough – I have paid my dues, it has officially been “hard”, so now, I’m pregnant and I think this will work. I really believed this – a few days ago. I even told my therapist that my gut instinct was that I was going to have a healthy baby at the end of my pregnancy.

Now, I’m not so sure. When I heard yesterday that my progesterone was low, I thought, “Of course.” When I woke up this morning and saw the pink on the toilet paper, I thought, “Of course.” Things don’t come easy for me. I wasn’t that surprised when I saw the ultrasound and nothing looked wrong – it seems like it hasn’t really been enough time for everything to fail since yesterday’s ultrasound. But what is next week’s ultrasound going to look like? It wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a heartbeat next week. But then what? I know from personal experience that a heartbeat doesn’t really mean anything – it just means you’re attached more when your baby’s heart stops beating later. What if after my baby’s heart start, it doesn’t stop? Will I ever be comfortable? I don’t know. I thought I beat it – this anxiety and fear. But no, I was just in a happy little lull. But that’s over. It’s official - I’m now a petrified pregnant after infertility and loss woman. Because once again, things are not going easy for me.

40 comments:

  1. Yeah for all is well right now. But crap, that sucks that you have to feel so much fear for this pregnancy. Hang in there.

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  2. Oh Alex, I want to give you a great big hug. I understand 100%. My life hasn't been a bed of roses either and I always had a gut instinct this would be hard too (but like you, no idea how hard.) It was always just so hard to picture. Then again, I never thought I'd be happily married and here I am. Have you read my most recent post? I think you could identify a LOT even if we are taking seperate means to our baby. I think once you've lost a baby, you've lost your innocence about pregnancy. I also think being in this community- while supportive and awesome- puts more fear in us sometimes because we see all that can go wrong.

    Sigh.

    In any case, wish it were easier for you. Keep writing. I have good feelings and thoughts for you and your baby and glad to hear he/ she is still hanging in!

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  3. I am glad that everything still looks okay. Hang in there. I know how hard it is to stop worrying. (((Hugs)))

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  4. So sorry. I hope you find a way to cope with the fear.

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  5. I'm so glad things are looking OK so far and so sorry that things have been so hard. I know that the "wait and see" thing is SO annoying. I hope so much that all stays OK.

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  6. Thank you for the update! I am so happy that things are ok!

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  7. Oh Alex, I know hard it can be. I am thinking of you and sending you hugs.

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  8. Hugs, Alex. When things have only gone one way it's hard to imagine them turning out differently. I know. But each time is a coin toss. Each time is another chance. And I have everything crossed for you that this is it.

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  9. The first and only time I ever "bled" after the BFP was after my 5 week ultrasound/sac confirmation. That's all, so it is most definitely just the irritation.

    Hang on. You are in my thoughts...

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  10. I totally understand this. You have been through a lot. I'm sending love and prayers your way that your miracle baby arrives safely and healthy into this world. Hang in there!

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  11. I wish I could take your fear away. All I can say is TRY not to let it overwhelm you. Go with what you know today - so far so good. ((Hugs))

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  12. I am soooo happy to hear that you and baby are good!!!!!!!!
    I haven't gone through nearly what you have, but I know what can happen and it scares the shit out of me too.
    Someone from the blog world (I wish I could remember who and give them credit) said, this is just the begining of the worry, You will worry through pregnancy, newborn, teenager, pretty much for as long as you are alive, you will now owrry.
    It helped me a little.
    That and the every two weeks ultrasounds!!!!

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  13. I am glad all is well. Not just FOR NOW. When I started spotting at 15 weeks, I had the same "of course" reaction. I definitely think that this is your baby.

    Thanks for the update!

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  14. I can relate to what you're saying so well. The, "of course", feeling.

    Honestly and truly the pink could be from the u/s. NOt just "could be" but is really common. I've found out that I have friends who this happened to after every internal visit from Wanda. Still sucks to see it though and have all those thoughts swimming around your head. It could easily be from the progestone, too.

    As for the cramping, I was crampy all the way through until about three weeks ago. Some women just are. Freaked me the hell out!

    Your baby growing well is the best sign! Try to hold on to that. And please, I'm not trying to be dismissive. I know how badly this all can mess with your head.

    (((HUGS))) We're all here for you.

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  15. Alex, I don't know how you feel but I certainly understand where you're coming from. I think instincts are powerful, and you should trust them. One of my extra fertile friends, who has said 15 goofy things about trying to get pregnant, actually said one very powerful statement: that its not just the struggle to get pregnant; but then stay pregnant, then get passed the amnio or trisomy tests, then past the preterm labor part, then the delivery...and basically on and on until the child is 47. In a sense, the struggle and the worry is constantly something; but I think there is some comfort in knowing that you're strong enough to handle what comes your way. Sending you best wishes, as always.

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  16. I am so happy everything is looking good! Glad the doc got you right in and to check things out.

    oh do I know this feeling.

    I always knew it would be difficult too. I didn't know how difficult, I didn't know if that meant it was never going to happen. And after the losses and the IUIs, I still felt like is this enough? And then I got pregnant by surprise and I still feel like I cheated somehow and it will all be stolen from me...still at 30 weeks.

    Anyways, all that to say I get where you're coming from and I wish our guts gave us some real view on when "enough is enough" but unfortunately all we have is faith - we just have to believe that this is it. I believe this is it for you. hang in there, hun. Hugs.

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  17. *HUG* Wish I could make it better but I can't. I'm hoping for you though - with all my heart.

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  18. Look babe, I think you're going to have days like this throughout this whole pregnancy, but you've gotta tell yourself that this IS your time. This is it. It will work out. Nothing comes easy for you, but you get there eventually. This is your road to getting there. To your baby.

    I am petrified just thinking about how I'm going to feel the next time I'm pregnant, so I've got to say, I think you're handling yourself spectacularly. Keep the faith. And, lean on us for support.

    HUGS

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  19. All is good, I'm so glad to hear this. You have been through a lot girl. It's your turn now, it has to be!

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  20. So glad you decided to post again after your Dr. appt. I have been sending you all my good karma. Glad you have someone to talk to about all of this. www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com

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  21. I am so, so glad things looked good today. I know this is so hard...trying to relax is an hour by hour process. Thinking of you as you continue to move forward.

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  22. Sending you hugs and lots of thoughts and prayers.

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  23. First of all, sorry for commenting on the old post before reading the updates--I'm a bit behind, as you can tell! I really feel for you on this one. I spent those first weeks of this pregnancy on such pins and needles--I remember how hard it was to focus on anything else, and how far apart the ultrasounds and bloodwork results seemed. But even though nothing has come easy for you, things have still come, if that makes sense. This pregnancy may have some seeming bumps, but it still has a terrific shot at sticking and fighting through. You already have a little fighter in there--he or she can keep on fighting!

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  24. I'm so happy to hear things still look good! I can't promise you'll ever be truly relaxed about pregnancy (I don't think I ever was) but some of the anxiety will ease with each passing milestone. Sending you tons of hugs and positive thoughts!

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  25. The rollercoaster and anxiety you face now in this pregnancy is going to be really tough. I know, BTDT. But I just have to give a few words of encouragement. Alex, you've always been knocked down, fair enough. Yet you get back up every time!! You can do this. I'm so glad to hear bub is ok and I guess all you can do now is take it one day at a time. ((HUGS))

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  26. I admire your determination. Keep your hopes up high...Your struggle and life experiences have taught you valuable lessons and in the end, when all said and done, your pregnancy will be more meaningful than if you hadn't experienced the hardships. Wishing you the best of luck and THINKING OF YOU :)

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  27. I know right where you are coming from (from the pregnancy/IF perspective). It's been a roller coaster for me like no other. Sometimes all you can do is take it one day at a time and just keep telling yourself that right now you *are* pregnant.

    Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

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  28. I'm so sorry that things have been hard for you. I know a little about those feelings of "knowing" things are going to be hard. I've felt that many times myself. I'm hoping that things work out for you this time. It sucks to be so jaded that some things don't surprise you, but after all you have been through I don't see you as being jaded, I see you as being strong...able to handle whatever comes your way.

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  29. Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts...
    Everything is going to be ok!

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  30. "Ok for now" is great! All you can do is take one day at a time.

    *hugs* Sending good, positive thoughts and #hope!

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  31. Alex...Girl I am so sorry I havent been good at all managing my new role and blogging...So this is the first I have seen that you are pregnant and I am so excited/happy for you your hubs:)

    I know that things are wonky right now but hang in there and I promise it will get better..Coming from me who suffered IF, multiple losses, and a complicated pregnancy the best thing you can do is to take things one day at a time...Step by Step day by day:) Because unfort things are probably going to happen out of the ordinary if it didnt we would be where we are right? Its seems that IF/Recurrent loss equals complicated pregnancy...But girl the reward for all the pain and torture is so worth it!!!

    Even though I have been a bad blogger I think of you all often and hope to get back on board next week:)

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  32. Sending lots of hugs! Hoping the fear is replaced by good news soon!

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  33. I'm so glad to hear that everything was normal. I totally relate with your feelings of anticipating things to be difficult. You can only get kicked so many times before you wince at any movement. But I truly believe that things are looking up for you and that this IS going to be a healthy and happy pregnancy.

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  34. I am SO glad to hear that your baby is still there. And I totally understand. I mean why in the world does it have to be so hard for some of us and seemingly so easy for so many other people? It's just unfair. Period.

    Hang in there. It's terrible not being able to be blissfully ignorant of what can happen. But that's where you are. And you've already proven you can make it through things like this.

    Hoping with all my might that this WILL get easier though.

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  35. I am currently 8w1d pregnant after 2 losses (one at 14 weeks, one at 8) and one DD. It's taken me about 6 or 8 injectible/IUI attempts to get here. Pregnancy after loss is SO very hard. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time.

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  36. thinking of you Alex, hang in there.....

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  37. Alex - this is why I love you! We have a lot in common. I have suffered with depression...lots of depression. It's so hard to try to be positive, I'm right there with you. When I feel myself start to say things like, "It's always going to be hard." "My life will always suck." I try to stop myself...while I feel like that in the moment, I try to take a step back and look at the big picture. There are blessings out there...even if it's a flower blooming in your front yard. I'm thinking of you every day, lady! Hang in there! Hugs!

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  38. Hoping and praying for the best. Hang in there, sweetie.

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  39. I'm glad to hear that things looked good on the ultrasound. I'm hoping it was just from irritation of the last check.

    I understand the "of course" feeling. It is so easy to just assume the worst after you've become so use to being beaten down. It takes a lot of strength and determination to get back up and keep persevering regardless of past history.

    Like other posters have said, all you can do is take it one day at a time. Just know that we are all thinking of you and rooting for you and your little one!

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