Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Preparing

I did something yesterday I told myself I shouldn’t do: I looked at the posts I wrote during early pregnancy last time, before the heartbeat stopped. I was looking for a sign, something to tell me that this pregnancy would be different. Because I’m scared. I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow, and I’m petrified that there won’t be a heartbeat. I’ll be at 7 weeks 4 days tomorrow, and I had an ultrasound during the last pregnancy at 7 weeks 5 days, and everything was fine. Well maybe – the baby was measuring four days behind, but they told me that was ok, maybe it wasn’t. But the heartbeat was good – it was 158 bpm. It wasn’t until next week’s ultrasound that the baby’s heart had stopped. We’re definitely in the same approximate time when my previous baby died – I really hope this doesn’t happen again. But the next few weeks are going to be tough – I always knew they would be.

The hubs’ great-uncle passed away, and so hubs went with his family to Iowa for the funeral – he’s one of the pallbearers. I would have gone too, but I won’t fly. I flew to a wedding during the weekend between my 7 week 5 day ultrasound and my 8 week 4 day ultrasound – when the baby was dead. I know that everyone says that flying is safe, but there’s no way you could get me on a plane right now. I don’t know if I’ll even fly during the 2nd trimester – if I get that far. The hubs was supposed to go with me to tomorrow’s ultrasound, but now I have to go by myself.

I already have it planned – if the ultrasound shows a dead baby. I go in before work tomorrow, and I won’t go to work if it’s dead – I’ll call my boss and tell him I’m not coming in on Thursday and Friday. Get a D&C, with karyotyping, done on Friday (the hubs will be back by then so he can drive me), and cry all weekend, go back to work on Monday. I know it’s absolutely crazy that I have planned this, but these are the thoughts that go through my head when it’s late at night and I can’t sleep, and I’m by myself. And strangely, it gives me some bit of comfort to have a plan. I was so overwhelmed by choices last time, now I know what I’ll do, I’ll make sure to have the karyotyping done. Last time the D&C was done by my regular OB, and he doesn’t do the testing, but I have confirmed that if I have a D&C done by my RE, he will do karyotyping. I know I should be thinking more positively, my mother would yell at me if she saw this paragraph, but this is what I’m thinking about. I’m trying to have a lot of hope, but also I’m very scared.

The other thing I noticed when looking at my blog from early pregnancy last time is I didn’t talk about symptoms much. It seems like this time I’m having a lot more symptoms than last time, but I wanted to write it down today so I can look back at this. Maybe I can use this for my second baby, right?

I’m having a lot of nausea, more than I remember from last time. It started pretty early in the pregnancy in the evenings, then it started in the morning, and then a few days ago it started to be all day, every day. Every kind of food looks and smells gross. I struggle finding anything to eat. I eat a lot of saltines, cereal, and peanut butter & honey sandwiches. I can’t stand chicken – beef is better. Fruits seem gross, as do vegetables, but I try to force some of this down. I’ve thrown up maybe 5 times – early morning or late at night. Most of the time I don’t throw up, just feel awful. Additionally, I’m exhausted – much more so than I remember from last time. Plus I have a hard time sleeping. I’ve found that the following works best: get up whenever I wake up from anxiety – today was 5:00am – shower, wrap head in towel, eat something like a breakfast bar or saltines, set alarm for as late as possible (7 today), get up, eat something, get ready, go to work, go home at lunch to take nap and eat a peanut butter sandwich, go back to work, go home, take a 30 minute nap, get up in time for the hubs to come home and not discover me sleeping, have dinner (usually cereal), in bed by 9, get up a few times to pee. Lovely day. Other symptoms? Boobs hurt – must wear a sports bra to bed. I think those are the main physical ones. I’m emotional, irritable, etc. as well.

Overall, I’m happy, just waiting. I’m waiting for either my baby to die, or to get to the 2nd trimester. I know that there can be all kinds of problems later, but I’m choosing to ignore those. I hope all the symptoms mean that everything will be ok. I really don’t mind having them – they’re a constant reminder that there’s a baby in there. I’m sorry that this post doesn’t seem very hopeful, I just wanted to write some things down that could help me later before I go in tomorrow for the ultrasound.

33 comments:

  1. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst - that motto always seem to work for me too. Keeping everything crossed for a healthy happy baby!

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  2. Oh, honey. I wish you didn't have this anxiety. But, I do understand and I understand the need to have plan in place "in case." But, I hope SO MUCH that you don't have to deal with any of it. Sending all the positive thoughts I have for tomorrow's scan.

    And, I understand about the flying thing. I flew right around when my baby died, too, and it haunts me -- even though I KNOW that it is INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY that it had anything to do with it.

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  3. oh, please don't compare. i know it's almost impossible, but your numbers have looked better so far this time, right??? i hope time speeds by until your scan and then you can relax with good news. big big big hugs :o) xoxo.

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  4. ((Hugs)) I can imagine how terrifying this must be for you and I don't blame you one bit. Here's hoping for some wonderful news tomorrow, next week, and every day for the next several months :)

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  5. I'm sure it's really rough to not go to the negative places, but try try try to believe this pregnancy is a healthy one and you will deliver a full term beautiful baby! The symptoms are a good sign!

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  6. I know how hard it is...I am right there with you. I also try really hard to to compare symptoms and tell myself that each pregnancy is different but it doesn't always work. I totally understand having a plan but I know you wont need it. I am to the point that I won't even let myself think past the 12 week mark. I will be thinking of you! Please email if you need to chat about any of this...I totally get it!

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  7. I completely understand why you have planned everything out, there is some comfort in knowing what would happen and that you have control over something.
    I hope that you never have to follow that plan.
    We sound like we are having the same pregnancy (in terms of symptoms). Cereal is the only thing I could even look at for dinner.
    If you need a snack, the saltine goldfish are good, as are animal crackers, nice and plain.
    Thinking of you!

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  8. i remember my 'dead baby plan' posting! mine was something along the lines of mixing cocaine, valium, antidepressants and booze... a bit less wholesome than yours!! :)

    you won't need to implement it!

    i also hear you on no flying, and yay for all those fabulous symptoms.

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  9. i hear you on feeling better with a plan. i hope time flies until your scan so you can get some reassurance.

    the symptoms sound awesome.

    xoxo.

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  10. I'm so sorry you're feeling so anxious. I'm sure I'll be the same way. We'll be here for you no matter what happens!

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  11. I totally understand, and hope you don't need any of your plans. *hugs*

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  12. I so wish you won't need that plan. Can't imagine how scary this must be for you. Hugs.

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  13. I know this is a scary time for you and I'm sorry you are feeling anxious. Do whatever you need to do to get through this--it sounds like you have some good strategies for doing so. I think not flying during the early weeks is a good idea, too.

    On a happy note, your symptoms all sound like good signs that things are happening the way they should. Much love.

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  14. I think the symptoms mean everything is fine. It is also good to have a plan. Good luck!

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  15. I'm hoping you have a fabulous ultrasound! I know that the nausea is a horrible feeling, the only thing that really helped me was ginger ale. I know soda isn't the healthiest but it saved me. I would rather throw up that be nauseous, I hope it gets better soon!

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  16. Oh Alex I lost my first baby the same way you did. One week a heartbeat, the next week no heartbeat. I'm not sure how you stop the anxiety after that happening to you. Praying that you have a wonderful ultrasound!

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  17. Hoping for good news so you can relax!

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  18. I think preparing for all possibilities can be a good thing, if it helps you to cope better in the long run. Of course I am praying that you get really good news at your U/S. (((Hugs)))

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  19. I know what you mean about having a plan, macabre though it is. But your symptoms sound so very promising! Praying that in a few months you can start making much happier plans than the one you have written here!

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  20. Oh Alex, I can completely understand your fear, I am hopeful that you won't have to put your plan in place. I am really hopeful fir tomorrow's u/s.
    ((hugs)))

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  21. Oh Alex, I totally, totally get the preparation you've done. And, honestly, I think it's ok. I've done a lot of planning through the past weeks about what I was going to do when things went bad. I think it gave me some comfort that I'd "know what to do" this time around and it sounds like it's given you some comfort too. The people who tell you only to think positively are not being realistic, frankly. But, the best thing is when you don't have to put that bad-news plan into play! And, I'm VERY much hoping you won't have to this time around. But, regardless, you've got a plan. Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you!!

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  22. Hugs - good luck with your apt. I'm cheering for ya! :-)

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  23. Oh how I hate this wait for you. I understand your need to "plan" for the what ifs. I did exactly the same thing. You do whatever you have to do to get to tomorrow.

    I'm holding my breath for you that all is fine tomorrow.

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  24. I know how hard this is. Throughout the first tri I had a contingency plan for every single appointment. You just have to take it one day at a time. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

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  25. I'm sorry that you have to go to the appointment alone. That sucks. I think having a plan is a good idea. It can mean the difference between complete chaos and your sanity. I don't think anyone can blame you for feeling scared and not so peppy right now. You've lived a tragedy and so you know what can happen in early pregnancy. Since you are having all those symptoms, I'm going to take a gander that everything is as it should be. I'm hoping that you have a great scan. Nothing but positive thoughts coming your way.

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  26. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and send positive thoughts your way!

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  27. Sweetie, just wanted to tell you I'm sending positive thoughts your way, I think it'll be all good tomorrow, but completely understand the need to have a plan. Much love, update asap. Fran

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  28. It breaks my heart that you have experienced such pain before to make you even have these thoughts. Oh, Alex, I am so sorry you're scared and I will be praying so hard that everything is absolutely wonderful at the ultrasound tomorrow. *hugs*

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  29. I do the same thing. If I prepare myself for the absolute worst, I end up either where I was expecting or pleasantly surprised. I'd rather end up with a happy surprise than to be crushed by the worst case scenario.

    Wishing you all the best for you u/s tomorrow. As well as for the next 33wks!

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  30. I can't imagine what you're going through. I didn't even experience what you did the first time and I had the same thought about taking off work if something went wrong. Though, albeit, it wasn't detailed as yours. It's natural to be scared, especially considering what you've been through, but the symptoms are fabulous signs. Hoping for a fabulous appointment. I truly believe everything is fine.

    And you probably want to smack me for this, but are we positive it's not twins? You sound really sick really early. I know there was just one heartbeat and one sac but just wondering.

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  31. I am praying so hard for you hun!! The fears must be overwhelming, but totally normal. Sending good vibes your way!! HUGS

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  32. It totally sucks that you can't just enjoy your pregnancy, and you have to prepare your mind for the worst. Stupid infertility. :(

    Hoping you get good news today! Hugs!

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