New Project

I’m the type of person that is a bit obsessive. OK, let’s face it, a LOT obsessive. For the last year plus, I’ve been obsessing about TTC. And before that was my wedding. I always have some kind of major project going on in my life, and in particular, my head. It used to be my job. This made me go a bit (lot) insane, and so I realized this wasn’t healthy. Now I do a pretty good job at work, but not fabulous. I could be better. But I really don’t care, I’m sorry, I just don’t. Anyway, I’ve come up with a new project to obsess about while I’m on a TTC break. I’m losing weight!!!

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a skinny girl – I’ve never been a skinny girl! Right now I’m about 40+ pounds overweight. It’s amazing at how slowly all this weight has collected on my body. Every year, I weigh more. I had some stability for a few years there – I was around 165 for about 3 years. I got down to around 160 at my wedding last year. And then I gained 25 pounds in the last year. Last week, I topped the scale at 185. Granted, I think a few of those pounds related to excess fluid in my body, as I was very swollen last week, but still.

So in the last week, I’ve taken back control of my body and my life. I’ve downloaded a free app on my iPhone called Lose it! I love it – I can track all the food and exercise in my day. It calculated my ideal net calorie intake based on my current weight and goals, and it has calculated around 1,200 calories. I realize this is way low, so I usually come in a little high each day, which is perfectly fine. And it’s net calories, so any exercise I do allows you to eat more! This is one of the biggest motivators for me – every 30 minutes of walking, for example, gives me 100 additional calories to eat!

This is so hard for me – exercise. I have never had a good exercise routine, well at least since dropping out of cross country and track my sophomore year in high school. I started walking last week, just around the neighborhood, with one of my dogs. Last Sunday, it was so hard to complete a 20 minute walk. It’s amazing how bad I felt. Every step hurt. This weekend, I downloaded another app for my iPhone – it’s the Couch to 5K program. Apparently, this program will take me from not running at all to being able to complete a 5K in 9 weeks! And I only have to do it 3 times per week! So I started yesterday, I did a 5 minute walking warmup, then for 20 minutes, I alternated between 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking, then a cool down for 5 minutes. Or maybe about 12 – I was at the park when it was time for the cool down, and I walked very slowly home… And I made it – I ran every time it told me to, and I didn’t stop until I was instructed to walk! This is amazing for me, so I’m very proud of myself. I will give a day between doing these runs, so this morning I woke up early and walked one of the dogs for 30 minutes – this was Jackson, the good walker, so it was a pretty decent walk. I really want to keep doing this – I would love to say I can run a 5K! Plus I think it will only help my weight loss.

And speaking of weight loss? Guess how many pounds I’ve lost in the last week… Again, I know some of this is fluid loss, but I lost 6 pounds already! I’m down to 179! So the first step is complete – I’m on my way to a healthy and skinnier me!

On the TTC front, I think our break may be a little quicker than I had planned. The more I thought about it, I don’t want to keep waiting to start trying again – every month that goes by is another month lost. I’m 35 now! Can’t believe how loud that clock is yelling at me… And so, I think we’ll be medically cleared to start TTC again at the end of July. We go to Europe in September. So the hubs and I talked about it, and we’re going to try naturally in August and September, and then get back on the treatment wagon, and go for another IUI in October. Ugh – just the thought of another IUI makes me a little ill. But it seems to work for me I guess. I officially have a 100% record in getting pregnant with an IUI (2 for 2 – one ectopic and one miscarriage) and a 0% record in getting pregnant naturally, but I’d love to try again naturally for a couple months at least. You know, we haven’t had sex with the goal of getting pregnant since 2009! Weird to think about it like that…

I have a question for you ladies – what has your doctor said, or what have you read from a reputable source, about exercise while TTC? I know there shouldn’t be extreme exercise, but I’m not exactly going for a marathon here. The most I’ll ever do is 30 minutes of cardio at a time. And probably no more than 30-60 minutes per day. I know I’ll need to cut out the running while doing treatments, as my ovaries get too big, but what about while trying naturally? No matter what, I’m excited about doing this Couch to 5K program, and I’ll work on that this summer, but what about after that?

Another loss - and thinking about my own

Another one of us lost our baby - another blog sisters went to the doctor for a routine ultrasound, and there's no heartbeat. Please go support Krystal as she decides what to do. What a horrible decision - I know.

And see my post from yesterday about my feelings about this - I feel the same way.

I had started feeling better today, things were starting to look up, but not anymore. Seriously, we have to stop having these losses. So for all you pregos, tell your babies to stick and keep living, for pete's sake!!! OK? Maybe that will work - didn't work for me, but maybe you can convince your babies...

And in the meantime, really appreciate where you are. I was very inspired by Busted Kate's post today. She is trying to have a more positive attitude about her pregnancy, especially now that she is in the second trimester. It made me think about my pregnancy that ended last week.

I had 5 weeks and one day between the time that I got that BFP and the time when they told me my baby had no heartbeat. During that time, I was the happiest I think I have ever been in my life. I was worried until the ultrasound showed the baby was in the right place, and then I had relief. I was again worried until the ultrasound showed the heartbeat. But once I saw that heartbeat, you couldn't bring me down if you tried! Just because I was worried, doesn't mean that I wasn't so incredibly thrilled! And if you asked me, I honestly believed that I was going to have that baby. I didn't even consider the possibility of a miscarriage.

And I'm thankful that I had that time. I really loved that time when I thought all was right in the world, with my little baby in my belly. Even after the last week, when there were times that I couldn't figure out how I was going to be able to continue in my life, when I had such and complete despair, even after all that, I wouldn't trade that 5 weeks and one day for anything. I loved that little baby, and I cherished every moment I had with him.

What the Fuck is Going On????

I don't get it. I don't understand. Why is this happening to such wonderful deserving women? Today, another announcement of an ultrasound with no heartbeat - Jo. She's the sweetest, most tender-hearted loving and beautiful woman out there, and she doesn't deserve this. Please stop by her blog and give her a hug - she needs it today.

There have been so many losses lately. Misfits, Adele, Rebecca, myself, and now Jo - just to name a few. This is just some of the recent ones - there's too many to name those who I follow that I've seen lose their babies. I don't fucking understand. Why are we destined to lose our babies? There's a whole world of fertiles out there that go through life blindly - planning when they get pregnant, assuming that when they get a BFP, it means they will actually have a baby. It's not fair. I know life isn't supposed to be fair, but this is too much. I just don't understand, and I'm angry.

Getting out of my head - and PAIN!

When bad things happen, I have a tendency to let my thoughts swirl around in my head, which makes things worse. I have a history of depression, so it’s very important for me to recognize when I’m heading down that path, and divert myself. One of the ways that helps is to get out of my head – start paying attention to others. It always helps to think of others when you’re having a hard time thinking of nobody other than yourself. Or at least that’s how it works for me.

One thing that has helped tremendously is to read other people’s blogs. Everybody helped me so much last week. I would find the energy to write something on my blog, which helped get the feelings out, and it was so nice to receive the comments back. I finally started reading other people’s blogs yesterday, and plan on continuing to catch up today. It really helps to think of other people, and realize what they’re going through, and know that I’m not alone. That is what is so amazing about this community. I really don’t know if I could have gone through last week without everyone’s comments, and without having a place to put my feelings – someone to tell, with no judging, no questions. Just love and understanding.

Now I’m trying to get back out in the community, and it’s harder. It’s hard for me to be positive. I fear for those that were with me in our early pregnancy together. Let’s face it, I fear for everyone. And my heart breaks for those that receive bad news. I started my day today with Rebecca’s news – her little spider baby is dead. I was so excited for her when she received her surprise BFP – just before she was planning on starting IVF, she got pregnant the natural way. She gave me hope. But I can’t believe her little one is now dead. It’s just not fair. Why do we have to go through this? Rebecca doesn’t deserve this. For those of you that don’t know her, please stop by her blog and give her a virtual hug. I know those of you that know her already have.

Today I’m sad. A week ago, I found out my baby was dead. I still don’t understand – I don’t know if I ever will. Also it doesn’t help that I’m in a lot of pain. Starting about 9:00 last night, I started getting waves of pain – I imagine it felt like contractions, but of course I don’t really know. I was doubled over, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t walk or anything. It would last for about a minute, and it happened every 3-5 minutes. I took one vicodin – hadn’t had to take it since Saturday night. After 30 minutes with no effect, I took another. It didn’t help. Plus I started bleeding pretty heavily. I guess my body is trying to expel what is left in there. I was up most of the night – occasionally drifting off to sleep, and then waking up to a terrible pain. I just lay in bed clutching my heating pad, wishing the pain would go away. This morning it’s a little better. I’m taking 4 advil at a time, about every 3 hours, and it makes it manageable. Also my legs and belly are swollen like crazy. I feel awful, and so I called the doctor. I talked to some nurse who said this is all normal. She said that it’s normal to have pain come and go, and for the bleeding to come and go, sometimes for up to 4 weeks. So I’m glad it’s normal I guess. But this sucks. I just wish I could feel better – emotionally AND physically. When does that start???

Back at Work

I made it through the weekend, and I’m back at work. On Friday and Saturday, I didn’t leave my house, and I didn’t even shower. I’m not sure what I did those days – I don’t really remember. I had someone from work bring a bunch of checks that I needed to sign at around 11 on Friday, and I did that for about 30 minutes while she waited. I waited until she left to take vicodin – figured I shouldn’t be signing away the company’s money while high on painkillers… As soon as she left, I took some vicodin, and I don’t really remember the rest of the day. I started bleeding for real on Friday afternoon. Oh, it was painful, and a mess. I bled bad all day on Saturday as well. Yesterday it tapered off, and today there really isn’t much. Hopefully that part is over. I’m still in a little pain, but I haven’t taken any vicodin since Saturday night at midnight. I’m on a lot of Advil, but I can function with that stuff at least – I would be a terrible drug addict – couldn’t function at all on the hard drugs!

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got up, and decided I needed to move. I have never been a skinny girl, but it has gotten out of hand. Granted I had started gaining some pregnancy weight, but still. I realized this weekend that I’ve gained about 20 pounds in the last year. I’m horrified to admit that, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? So in order to take control of something in my life, I will now be working on exercising and eating healthy. No real plan yet, just going to walk my dogs every morning, and watch what I eat a little. If I can do that for a week or two, it will be a huge first step. It finally occurred to me that I don’t have to walk both dogs at the same time – they weigh about 120 pounds each, so I have a hard time controlling both of them. So I’m alternating walking them – I walked Jackson yesterday and Kodiak today. It’s not very long, but it’s much more than I was doing. And it hurts – my body feels broken. I’m angry at my body, so I’m trying to make up with it by making it healthy. It feels kind of good for my body to hurt in other ways, other than emotionally and physically from the D&C.

So I’m back at work. I have a lot to catch up on, and I’m really hoping I don’t have to explain to my boss why I was gone last week. I’m really hoping the topic just doesn’t come up – will I be that lucky? We can only hope.

Emotionally, I’m ok. I still can’t believe this happened. The hardest part for me is I don’t understand. I have had difficulty with every single part of getting pregnant. I haven’t ever been able to get pregnant naturally – yes, both IUI’s with injections worked, but none of the many months without medication and IUI’s worked. Then I got pregnant earlier this year, but it was ectopic. And for this one, everything was fine – it was in the right place, I saw a heartbeat a few times, I even got to hear it, but my baby died. If there was a trend in something going wrong, maybe we could treat it. Maybe we could figure out what was going wrong, and fix that. But everything is going wrong – I don’t think there’s anything to treat. Maybe it’s me – maybe I shouldn’t be a mother. I’ve always wondered that, thought that in the back of my mind. I don’t feel like I deserve to be a mother, because I won’t be a good one. I scoff when people say I’ll be a good mother – I honestly don’t believe it.

So for now, we’re getting off this TTC train for awhile. I don’t know how long, but we need a break. The Hubs and I are not talking very well right now – we’re actually fine, but he won’t talk about the baby, or losing the baby. He’s dealing with it by withdrawing, and I’m just going to have to be ok with that. I talk to others, I have some very supportive friends, and I have a great therapist. So we’re working on being ok, and that’s all we can do right now. I did manage to talk to the Hubs briefly yesterday about taking a break – we’re both on board with not trying for awhile. We go to Europe in September, and we’ll talk about trying after that. For now, we’re healing. We went to sushi last night (yes, I wanted some again) and with my glass of wine, I toasted “To a summer of healing.” The Hubs rolled his eyes, and changed the subject, but I liked it.

This morning I woke up, and I hate to admit it, but I felt relief. I don't have anything to worry about. I'm not worried about fertility treatments, I'm not worried about whether I could be pregnant, and I'm not worried about my baby. I have spent the last year, and more, worried. The last few months have been so hard. I was so thankful and happy to be pregnant, but every day, I worried. There was not a single day that I didn't worry about losing the baby, even if I was excited and happy. I guess this is motherhood - every mother worries about their child. Maybe I'm not cut out for it. Because today, I felt relief that I don't have anything to worry about - I know where my baby is.

Now what?

The D&C is over. It was Wednesday at noon, and it was ok I guess. I think I was just completely numb. It was my first time going under general anesthesia, and it was weird. It went by so quick. I started getting groggy, and then I woke up. It took a few minutes to realize what had happened - they took my baby. I started crying, and then I couldn't stop. I just wanted to leave the hospital, so they let me go pretty soon after I woke up and we went home. I don't really remember that day - I took the vicodin when I got home, and hoped it would make me sleep, but it didn't. The vicodin just makes me numb - both physically and emotionally. It makes the physical pain go away, and there is a ton of physical pain right now. It's like really bad menstrual cramps, and my hand hurts terribly from the IV. I both hate and love the vicodin right now - it makes me feel less, but I know that at some point, I really need to feel this pain, and work through it.

Yesterday I didn't take the vicodin in the morning, and went to work for a couple hours. This was a mistake. I can't believe I went - I felt terrible, I could barely get up out of my chair, and every hour that I was off the vicodin, it got worse. I had taken a bunch of ibuprofen as directed by the doc instead, but it didn't really help. But it allowed me to drive to work, and get a little bit done, and then I went to my therapist. I talked to her about how I'm supposed to go through this grieving process - I'm supposed to feel the pain, and work through it. I don't know how to do that. I left from talking to her, and went to my friend who stays at home with her kids and has had four miscarriages - in fact, she just had one a few months ago. I just wanted to talk to her about how you get through it. Nobody really has any answers for me, I guess there aren't really any answers. She just kept talking about her fertility doctor in Vegas, and how I should go there to try to get some answers. I can't even think about TTC again - seriously, how the hell do people keep going? I can't even imagine getting back on that train again. And then, what if it works and I get pregnant? How do people ever become comfortable with being pregnant after a miscarriage?

I really thought we were good - we had passed eight weeks, and everything looked good. I was so happy - a happy pregnancy made everything in life look good. I was so comfortable with this pregnant - we had started telling more and more people - so stupid. Now we have to tell all of those people that it didn't work. I'm trying to remember everyone as I just want to deal with it this week, and not have to deal with it later.

Right now, I'm waiting for a friend at work to bring by some stuff that needs to be signed for work. As soon as I do that, I'm going to take some vicodin and hopefully go back to bed. I actually got up this morning, and cleaned up the house a little - it was starting to look terrible. There's still a ton to do, but it's not quite a disaster like it was before. Every once in awhile, I think about all the things I should be doing - I need to work on my house, and lose weight, and get healthy. I haven't exercised in months, as I've been trying to take it easy with fertility treatments, and then with this pregnancy. I look and feel like hell - I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I think about doing stuff, and then I take a vicodin and pull the covers over my head. I downloaded a book yesterday about miscarriage - started reading it last night, and it's just crap. It talks about how you get over it, and find peace in God. I am so not there yet, if I ever will be. I'm not the best Christian you've ever seen, even before all this, and I'm definitely not there now. It all sounds so trite, and I just can't even stand to read it. I just want to be able to work through this, or have someone tell me how to get through it, and I don't know how to do this. I just want this pain to go away.

Trying to be Strong

First, I want to thank you all for your caring comments yesterday and into this morning. Whoever came up with this blog and commend idea is just amazing! My phone buzzed throughout the day with your wonderful messages, and I truly felt the warmth and support of this incredible IF community. I didn't feel alone - you are the only people in my life that understand me, that really understand what I'm going through. Thank you to those that spread the word about me - this community is amazing, and it really rallies around those who need the support. I really needed all of you yesterday, and you definitely stepped up! I'm so thankful I have you in my life.

Somehow I made it through yesterday - I think it was the longest day of my life. I had gone to my RE's office - I was coming to the end of my weekly visits to the RE to do weekly ultrasounds. I was about to graduate from the RE - I was almost at the plac where everyone considered me to be mostly safe from the risk of miscarriage. The RE office handled it very well - I got the ultrasound from one of the younger doctors, who I really like. He, along with one of the nurses, reviewed my ultrasound, and confirmed there was no heartbeat. He explained all my options and I think was pushing the D&C, but it's hard for me to tell - I barely remember that meeting.

I went home, and all morning just lay in my bed and cried. I wailed and cried, until I couldn't cry anymore, and then I would cry some more. I told my friend at work (we'll call her A) that knew everything that was going on, primarily because I needed to tell someone I wasn't coming into work. My boss is out of town this week, whic is nice because I don't have to explain it to him, but it's bad because he wants one of us to be there at all times, and I'm not there this week to supervise the rest of the group. I know they'll be fine, but still. I'm trying not to worry about it, but that's against my nature. Anyway, A suggested around noon that I get a confirmation ultrasound from my regular OB/GYN and discuss his opinion of my options - I was really struggling with what to do. So I called that office, and the nurse called be back around 2, and asked if I could come in at 3. A had told me earlier that if the Hubs couldn't make it to an appointment, that she would go with me. So I picked her up from work, and we went to my OB/GYN.

The OB/GYN was amazing - he's really good with people. I just saw him and the ultrasound tech last week - a week ago today - and last week they both said everything looked really good. My baby had a heartbeat last week, and was growing. I remember the sound of that heartbeat. I'm so glad I got to hear my baby one time. The doc and the tehch confirmed there was no heartbeat yesterday. It was so good to have A there with me - she held my hand and cried with me during the ultrasound. The doc was passing tissues to both of us. Then we discussed my options. The doc highly recommended doing a D&C. I think after weighing all the options, it will be easiest to do a D&C, and have it done and behind me. I can't imagine waiting for my body to miscarry - I think that's too much torture, and I don't know that I'm strong enough to go through that waiting, and the process. So the doc scheduled me for the surgery today - I go in at 10:30, the surgery should be at 12:00, and then I'll go home. And thank goodness the hubs took the day off so he will be with me. Many of your stories really helped me with this decision to do the D&C as well. I was afraid of a D&C, but your comments really helped me to get over that fear. I'm still very nervous - I have never had general anesthesia, and I'm terrified the procedure will do something bad to my body, but if all of you can do it, so can I. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm strong, and I can handle this. Sometimes I believe it, but sometimes it's too hard.

So this morning I wait for time to pass until the surgery. I finally fell asleep around midnight, and woke up at 4 this morning, but I'm thankful I got a little sleep at least. This morning it took me a few seconds to realize what happened - and then I started crying all over again. My doc gave me a prescription for vicodin, so hopefully after the surgery I can just fall into a drug-induced sleep for awhile. Hopefully it works - I've never taken anything like that before. I just want to feel better. I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything, so I feel incredibly nauseous - oh the joys of pregnancy symptoms when I have a dead baby inside me. The painful breasts and nausea all serve to remind me that I'm pregnant - but not. I just want this to be over. But more than anything, I want my baby back.

No Heartbeat

It's over. I went in this morning, looking forward to seeing my baby's heartbeat. Last it was strong - 158 bpm. Today it wasn't there. They gave me options: (1) wait for my body to miscarry - that can take 2-4 weeks, or 4-6 weeks, I can't remember, (2) take some medication which will start it sooner, within 48 hours to 1 week, and (3) D&C. I don't know what to do. I've heard people on these blogs saying that a D&C can be awful, so I told them I wanted to take the medication. Both the hubs and the doc said that maybe I should wait a day to make up my mind. So now I'm home - can't go to work right now. Can't believe I actually drove myself home. I cannot believe this is happening. My baby is dead.

My First Real OB Appointment

I had my first real OB appointment today. I haven’t officially graduated from my RE’s office, as they’ll continue to see me for the next few weeks, but they said to book an appointment and start going to my regular OB. I had seen this doctor once before, in November for an annual exam, but now that I’m an official prego, I got to see him in a completely different way!

It was pretty cool – I first had an ultrasound to “confirm” the pregnancy. So funny. I had to tell the tech that I’m a fertility patient – I know I’m pregnant, I don’t need you to confirm it, but I’m happy to do another ultrasound. Then she spent a bunch of time explaining a vaginal ultrasound… Finally she interrupted herself and said, “You’ve had these before, right?” Yes, I’ve had my share. I got to see the little one, and it’s measuring a little small (7 wk1d and I’m at 7wk5d), but the heartbeat was going strong – it’s at 158 beats per minute! The doctor said that the size was still completely normal, so I’m choosing not to worry about the size. And then the tech turned on the sound – I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time! What a beautiful sound! I started tearing up when I heard that fabulous beat – it’s like my baby made its first sound. Oh I’m tearing up again just thinking about it. Gotta love the pregnancy hormones…

After the ultrasound, I went in to talk to a nurse, got a grab bag full of goodies, and then talked with the doctor today. No exam or blood work, he said we’ll do all that in four weeks. But we just talked about my concerns. He was really nice. He brought up that considering I’m a fertility patient, he knows I’ll be a little anxious, and that’s ok. If I ever feel nervous, all I have to do is call his nurse, and she’ll get me in for an ultrasound. The plan is for me to go in every four weeks, but not have an ultrasound until 20 weeks, and then another around 35 weeks. That is, unless I feel nervous. I may have to be an annoyingly nervous patient… I don’t know, we’ll see! But I loved how supportive he was about my anxiety – have to love that!

And then we started talking about tests. There are all kinds of screens and tests they can do to see if there is anything wrong with my baby. A lot of my friends have been doing the CVS – where they can tell definitively if there is anything wrong. Most of the tests, particularly the CVS, have some sort of risk. But the bigger thing is: would we do anything with the information? I’ve talked with a friend of mine that just had this done, and this is her third baby, and she was quite willing to terminate the pregnancy if the baby had Downs, for example. I have to respect her opinion, I guess, but there is no freaking way that I would terminate this pregnancy – no matter what!

So my initial reaction is to not do any of the tests – I don’t know that I care to know the results. Sure, I would love to know the sex of the baby, which CVS allows you to find out around 12 weeks, but that’s about it. Maybe it would be good to know the baby had Downs or something to learn about it, and prepare for taking care of a Downs baby, but it wouldn’t change how I feel about this baby – and I can figure it out when it’s born, right? Why would I need to find out early?

The Hubs is out of town, so I wrote up a big email explaining all the tests, the risks, and included links to information about the tests. And then I said that I don’t know if the tests are worth it if we wouldn’t terminate. He asked what I thought, and I told him that I wouldn’t terminate, no matter what, but I wanted to know his opinion. So then he got kind of pissy and said it didn’t matter what his opinion was, because I already made up my mind. Then I dropped the conversation, because you know what? I have already made up my mind – not necessarily about having the tests, but about any potential termination – I won’t do it. And for this kind of thing, I’m going to call the shots – I’ve been through so much to have this baby – there’s no way I’m walking away now.

I know this is a sensitive topic, but I’m very interested to hear people’s opinions. What would you do? Are you guys going to have screening tests, or have you? And why?

Frustrated

I have to admit, I'm incredibly frustrated. And not in the way that happens at work, or in the car (well maybe...remember high school?) or throughout your regular life. I'm frustrated...sexually. The Hubs is great in that area (or at least he used to be - it's been so long, I can barely remember), so that's not the cause. But I could have sworn there was some paper that I had from the doc that said that I could resume certain activities after we saw the heartbeat. Yesterday, I awoke a little (LOT!) frisky and started some action without really thinking about it, and the Hubs was responsible and asked if I had cleared it with the doc. Let's just say I might have thrown a little mini temper tantrum in bed saying, "I want to have sex!!!" Oh so sexy, I know. But at that point, it wasn't going to happen, so it's not like I needed to intice anyone.

So I just called the RE and spoke with the nurse - about another issue - I promise I didn't call her just because of this! And I asked in a straight-forward manner about my restrictions. The bitch (actually she's very nice, I'm just mad at her) said I should wait until after the first trimester due to concerns about bleeding. WTF!!! I don't want to wait - that's a LONG time away!!! I know people all over the world have sex all the time in early pregnancy. Why are we infertiles so different? The one thing I was sick of when I was TTC naturally - now I can't do at all. Oh wait, maybe it's payback time. Whatever it is, I'm frustrated - oh so frustrated...

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my 35th birthday. Kind of feels like just another day, but it could have gone a completely different direction. I’ve been dreading this day for a long time. I’ve been worried that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. All of the stats related to fertility change at 35. Over 35, our chances decrease dramatically. We become something called Advanced Maternal Age. Am I really less fertile today than I was yesterday? Based on all the hype, I feel like I am, and this makes me sad.

I’m trying to focus on the positive today – I am pregnant. Today I’m 7 weeks pregnant, and I’m so incredibly happy about that! This week was awesome – I saw a heartbeat. I booked an appointment for my regular OB, and I talked about the plan for stopping the progesterone suppositories. And the threatened ectopic pregnancy may not be ectopic – it may have never been a pregnancy at all. Or it is resolving itself on its own. Things are looking good, they really are. This shouldn’t be a bad day.

But a part of me is sad today – I’m mourning my youth. I have been thinking about this 35th birthday for a long time – almost 10 years. I just wanted to be done with having babies by now. I know that life got in the way, and it didn’t work out that way, but it definitely has taken a lot longer than I had hoped. I’ve made an important first step – I’m actually pregnant. And for that, I’m thankful and thrilled! But this will not be the end. I want at least one more after this baby. And I’m afraid that having that second child will be even harder than the first.

I know that sometimes it gets easier to have the second baby. And given all the possibilities and what I’ve seen with my bloggy friends in particular, it can be a whole lot harder than what I’ve gone through, and I’m very thankful for being pregnant after a little over a year of trying and two IUI’s. And it’s way too early to even think about the second baby. I need to focus on this little one, and be happy in my pregnancy today. And be happy about my 35 years of life. It hasn’t all been easy, but it has made me into who I am today. And I like that woman.

Heartbeat

We have one!!! A super strong, 136 bpm, wonderful heartbeat! It was so nice to see that little one flashing away. And everything is measuring well. Oh I’m so incredibly excited. This might actually be happening!!!

Also, my tube looks a little smaller than it did last Thursday, so they are thinking that the ectopic baby is either being absorbed by my body, or it was never an ectopic, and everything was a little swollen from the IUI, and it just looked weird. So I’m still supposed to take it easy, but I don’t have to come back for a week. I’m so incredibly thrilled – for once, everything looks good! I’m still having quite a bit of cramping, but the nurse said that was normal. Only if I have “makes you bend over, and doesn’t stop” kind of pain, should I go to the emergency room.

I’m planning on going to South Dakota and Colorado next weekend. South Dakota for a family wedding, and then we were going to Denver for one night, because we had tickets to see U2. BUT – Bono had emergency back surgery, so he cancelled the tour. Which sucks – we have had plane tickets for awhile, so we’re still going to Denver even if there’s no concert, but that’s ok. We’ll be able to see friends. I asked about travelling next weekend, and the nurse said that was fine, especially because we were going to see family, and they would know where emergency rooms were, just in case. She wanted to make sure we would be around people who could help, and that we were close to medical care. Which brings up the big problem at home.

We have tickets to go to Europe in September with another couple. We bought the tickets before the IUI, as they were a really good deal at that point. We bought travel insurance to get back the price of the tickets if we weren’t able to go. I think the Hubs always thought we would be going, no matter what. But I always thought in my head that if I got pregnant, I wouldn’t be going. Well now the Hubs is fighting me on this – he really wants to go. I told him he should go and leave me at home, as there are other people going on the trip as well. He said he wouldn’t, I think primarily because of what people will say when they find out that he left his pregnant wife at home while he went running around Europe. He says that I’ll be 5 months pregnant, everything should be fine. He says there is no reason I can’t go – I should plan on going unless something changes. He says that unless I can say specifically what travelling to Italy, and Switzerland and Germany will do to hurt the baby, that I should go. I know I probably could go, but it just sounds awful! I really like experiencing new foods, and I’ll be nervous about that. The nurse was making sure I knew where the emergency rooms were in South Dakota – what about in Italy where we don’t speak the language or know anyone there? We were talking about staying in each town only a night or two – so that involves a ton of travel. That sounds awful for a pregnant girl. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being overly nervous, but all I want to do is stay at home and take care of this baby!

Plus there is the whole concern of spending money on a vacation, when we could be spending it on baby stuff. And the more PTO I have accrued when I have this baby, the more paid time I’ll be able to take for maternity leave. And I just don’t want to go! I hope I’ll be able to get my doctor on my side, and he’ll say I shouldn’t travel, and I could tell that to the Hubs. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to fight this on my own. The worst would be if we don’t go, and I have to listen to the Hubs complain about not going, and how I made him stay. That is why I just want him to go by myself – don’t want to hear him complain. Terrible, right? I just think that we, and especially I, went through so much to have this baby. I don’t want to do anything to cause any additional risk. But I don’t know how to explain this to the Hubs, and I’ve tried…