Tuesday, June 15, 2010

No Heartbeat

It's over. I went in this morning, looking forward to seeing my baby's heartbeat. Last it was strong - 158 bpm. Today it wasn't there. They gave me options: (1) wait for my body to miscarry - that can take 2-4 weeks, or 4-6 weeks, I can't remember, (2) take some medication which will start it sooner, within 48 hours to 1 week, and (3) D&C. I don't know what to do. I've heard people on these blogs saying that a D&C can be awful, so I told them I wanted to take the medication. Both the hubs and the doc said that maybe I should wait a day to make up my mind. So now I'm home - can't go to work right now. Can't believe I actually drove myself home. I cannot believe this is happening. My baby is dead.

75 comments:

  1. Oh Alex, I am so, so, sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I don't know what to say except I am thinking of you and sending you love. ((((hugs))))

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  2. oh my god alex. i'm sooooo sorry. i just had a heart attack reading the subject line. i don't even know what to say except that i hope you hang in there. i can't believe you were able to drive yourself home either. go scream, cry, kick something. whatever it takes to stay sane and get through this. i can't tell you how incredibly sorry i am that this happened. and esp that i happened so out of the blue like this. i'm sending you a huge hug and we're here for you :o) xoxoxoxo

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  3. OH my god, Alex. I am so so sorry. My heart is broken into a million pieces for you. FUCKING HELL THIS IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR. It is just so senseless, so terrible, so WRONG.

    HUGE HUGE HUGS. Please contact me (ababy4al@gmail.com) if you need anything at all.

    We're all here for you and heartbroken with you.

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  4. This is my first time here, but I just wanted to offer my support. I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you love and support!

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  5. I am so so sorry to hear about your loss

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  6. Oh Alex, I'm so sorry. I'm tearing up at work. Please know I'm praying for you and your husband. This is just awful.

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  7. NO!! I'm so sorry! My heart breaks for you and your husband.

    I wish I had some advise to give. I can only speak from experience when I say that having a "natural" miscarriage gave me closure and strength to know that my body knew what to do. It was also one of the hardest things I've been through.

    Sending lots of love and gentle hugs!

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  8. Oh, Alex. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry.

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  9. I'm truly sorry for the loss. Can't even imagine.. Take care of yourself and eachother now!

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  10. Oh no, Alex. I'm so very sorry to hear this. Sending many hugs.

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  11. I am shocked. This news makes me want to throw up. I am so sorry for you loss Alex, how incredibly unbearable. I hope you find a way through this. I am thinking of you.

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  12. Oh my God Alex, I'm devastated for you, there are no words, sending you love and gentle hugs. Fran

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  13. I am absolutely heartbroken for you. I have no words. I am so sorry.

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  14. Oh, Alex. I am so incredibly sorry. My stomach just dropped. Please know that you are in my prayers, lean on your husband and please remember that there is nothing you could have done. That was the toughest part for me. The one advantage to a d&c is that they can do genetic testing, which was a huge relief for me.

    Either way, please take care of yourself and let us know if we can do anything to help. I promise my sweet Mya is waiting for your angel and giving him/her a big loving welcome to heaven.

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  15. Oh no, I am so, so sorry to hear this. I will be thinking of you. I'm so very sorry.

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  16. Oh, Alex... I can't seem to find the words. I am so profoundly shocked and saddened for you. I am gutted for you. So utterly sorry. :( We're abiding this with you, my dear. We're here for you.

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  17. ((((Alex))))

    Much love for you.

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  18. I am so so sorry to hear the news. Just know you aren't alone.

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  19. Oh no Alex, I am so sorry that this happened. I don't know what to say except that you are in my thoughts and that I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it's going to be okay.

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  20. Oh Alex, I'm so, so very sorry!! I'm just heartbroken for you.... You'll be in my thoughts!

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  21. Alex - I have you and your husband in my prayers. This is so bloody unfair! (((((hugs)))))

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  22. Alex - I am so very, very sorry to hear about this. It's just terrible! You should definitely take a day or two to decide what to do. If it's any help, I had a D&C (although a bit earlier, at 6 weeks) and it wasn't bad. I recovered pretty quickly (I was back at work the next day) and didn't have to deal with lots of bleeding. But you should do what feels right to you. Take some time and take care of yourself these next few days. I'll be thinking about you and your husband in this terrible time.

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  23. Alex -- I am deeply saddened to hear this news. This is terrible and I hope you can get past the physical part quickly, so the emotional healing can begin.
    Thinking of you.

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  24. Alex, I am so, so sorry. It just isn't fair.

    Take all the time you need to make a decision. It's yours and yours alone. If you have any questions about either option (I've had both), or if you just want to talk, please email me (pennstatekelly at gmail dot com) I'll do my best to answer any questions you might have.

    This isn't fair. (((HUGS)))

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  25. God, I am so sorry. There are really no words honey. I am here if you need me. Take some time. Give yourself a few days to decide on things. It's way too much of a shock this soon. There are pros and cons all around. Damn.

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  26. I am so sorry. Thinking of you.

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  27. Gosh I am so sorry. So so so sorry Alex. Hugs to you and your hubby. I have never experienced this but I read on a blog the other day that the medicine that they allow you to take and miscarry at home is not good. This girl had contractions for hours after the baby passed and was in a lot of pain. Her post was telling everyone not to even consider that option. I don't know if that helps. I am so sorry is all I can say. My heart goes out to you.

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  28. Oh Alex, I did not expect this at all, I am so SO sorry. I know there
    is nothing I can say to make you feel better, I really wish there was.
    I'm in shock!! Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you!

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  29. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. There are no words that can ease the pain you are feeling right now. Sending tons of hugs, and love, your way.

    Jo

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  30. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little one. It's so painful and unfair.

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  31. I have no words... I'm just so, so sorry.

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  32. Alex, this is my first time at your blog and I just want to say how so, so sorry I am for you and your husband. Words of comfort don't feel like nearly enough, but you are surrounded by a beautiful community of support and I hope you are able to find some comfort in that fact. We are all thinking of you and praying for you.
    Amy

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  33. Oh Alex, my heart just broke when I read your title. This is so sad and I'm so sorry for you.
    Your Dr is right, just take a day or so to consider your options, I know it is absolutely wretched that you even have these options to consider and I wish it didnt have to be this way for you.
    xxx

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  34. Oh Alex, I am so sorry. What horrible news. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

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  35. Sending loving thoughts and prayers...

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  36. That's horrible! I'm so so sorry, Alex! :( *hugs*

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  37. Just read your terrible news. Know that you are wrapped in the love and support of this community. Not that it will help, really.

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  38. Oh Alex, I am so very sorry. I've been through multiple miscarriages myself and know how horrible it is. My heart is truly breaking for you.

    Honestly, I always opted for a D&C because it was OVER immediately...no waiting, no wondering, it was done.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  39. So sorry to hear about your m/c. The same thing happened to me a few months ago. There was a heartbeat at first, a little on the slow side but it increased the next week. Then the week after there was nothing. I chose to have the D&C and it wasn't bad at all. I had another m/c back in 2003 which passed naturally and all the blood and stuff was horrific for me. Especially for IF people, you don't want to have to go through with that.

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  40. Alex, I'm so sorry :(.. I walked this path just a few months ago.

    I don't know if it will help, but my own experience was that my little one's heartbeat went from strong to gone at 9 weeks. I opted to mc naturally. My FS monitored my hormone levels until my progesterone was low and I was just starting to spot, then I took the drugs to help it along. My doctor told me that the drugs work better when your body is starting to let go naturally. The drugs started things going within 15 minutes.
    I think I would personally opt for the drugs again. It took 3 weeks to get to the stage where my hormones were low enough for things to happen anyway, which was hard. But ultimately it gave me time to prepare to say goodbye.

    When things started I sat down and read my baby a book. And then I napped until I couldn't nap anymore. I said goodbye.

    I'm thinking of you ♥

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  41. Oh God Alex...This is terrible, so terrible. I wish I could take away some of this pain....I am so sorry.

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  42. So sorry to hear your news. I found you through adventures in babymaking and wanted to give you my condolances. I have been though a 10 week mc last year and i'm sorry you have to go through this. Not sure if you have made up your decision yet but I would recommend a D&C. I debated it for a couple days for mine and glad I made that decision. I couldn't mentally wait for 2-4 weeks knowing my preciouse dead baby was still inside me. the D&C helped my sanity. Please let me know if you ahve any quesitions. Hugs to you and your hubby.

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  43. I am so sorry. I can't make the decision for you. I had a natural miscarriage and it was a horrible painful experience. Do what feels right for you.

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  44. I'm so sorry - sending you lots of love. Take care of yourself.

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  45. I am so sorry and so sad for you.

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  46. I'll be honest I am in complete shock and not sure what to say to you...I feel for you and hope that you are somehow dealing with your loss. You have to do what your gut instict is telling you to do. I wish I could just give you a much needed hug.

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  47. Here from Mo's blog and just want to say I'm so sorry to hear this.

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  48. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you sweetie. Sending love and lots of prayers. *hugs*

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  49. My heart is broken for you tonight. This is the hardest situation and one that so many of the people around you have no idea how to handle.

    I had a D&C at 8 weeks and it was an easy, painfree experience. Make whatever decision is right for you, even though none of them are really "right". I'm so sorry.

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  50. Hi - over here from Mo & Will. So sorry that this baby died. I have been right where you are, pregnant twice with IUIs, heartbeat there then gone. So sad for you.

    I took the pills because I did not miscarry on my own. Another time I had a D&C because I was farther along. Not to be graphic, but some people find the natural way easier although it takes longer. The D&C was painless for me, but I did not the risk of infection. Hormonally you recover quicker, but it is still very sad. There is no rush to decide, no decision is wrong, just different ways. Sometimes I felt like carrying my baby longer even if it was not alive, sometimes the waiting is worse. Again I wish I could take away your pain, but at least know that it is shared by myself and many others.

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  51. Oh Alex, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could say or do to take some of your pain away. Just know that you are in my thoughts.

    Take care.

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  52. This is my first time visiting your blog, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. :( Life is so unfair.

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  53. I'm so deeply sorry. It's a terrible thing to be told, and a terrible decision to have to make. I've had both a D&C and taken the cytotec/misoprostol, and there are pros and cons to each. It sounds like there are a lot of people here who can advise you, but if you want any information please feel free to email me at delinquenteggs@gmail.com. I'm so very sorry. It's not remotely the thing you should have to think about.

    LFCA

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  54. So sorry to hear this. Hugs.

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  55. I'm so very, very sorry. This is heartbreaking and completely unfair.

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  56. I'm a new reader--just came across your blog this week. i'm devastated for you. i KNOW that God will give you the strength to get through this. I'll be praying for you!!! i would probably do the medication route, too. Please don't give up--us infertiles need all the hope we can get!!!!

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  57. Here from LFCA - I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. It is so unfair.

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  58. Hi Alex....My heart aches for you and your husband....I will be saying a prayer for you for strength and inner peace....I have had 4 miscarriages in the last year and two of them I had a D&E for...I must say when I found out things were over I just wanted it to truely be over I didnt want to wait it out or see what was inside...Plus the procedure allowed for us to genetic testing....but unfort for me things always come back normal so that led to more frustration....If you need to vent, blow up, or talk you can email me at kklendworth@yahoo.com....Lots of Hugs your way Kristi

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  59. Alex, I'm so sorry. We just went through this ourselves (also for the second time) and it is heartbreaking.

    I can tell you that with both of my m/c I had a D&C and I'm so glad I did. I went to sleep, they did the procedure, I woke up and came home to sit on the couch and watch TV. The bleeding was not bad at all, though it lasted for about 10 days, and neither was cramping, which went away after the first day.

    Like Kristi, we also had genetic testing done.

    Thinking of you and wishing you didn't have to make this awful decision. :(

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  60. I've been thinking of you since yesterday. I still don't have much to say other than I am so sad and I'm thinking of you.

    For what it's worth, I have had multiple D&C surgeries and they weren't that bad. Of course the decision has to be yours and I don't have miscarriage experience so I probably should not be saying anything at all. Just trying to help. It wasn't painful and other than tired from anesthia, I was fine after.

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  61. Dear, dear Alex. I am so very sorry. Nestle in your doggies and soak up the love.

    Take a look at this long list and see all the women who love you today, tomorrow and always.

    I took the meds at home after what should have been 7 wks. The baby was only measuring around 6. Perhaps the earlier timing makes a difference. Maybe this is why this option seemed to work for me - as well as brutal, heart wrenching torture can.

    Everyone has opinions. Follow your heart, you dear, dear Mommy.

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  62. Here from A Baby for Al's blog. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

    <3

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  63. I am so sorry, Alex. It's just not fair to wait for something and then have it taken away like this. My heart goes out to you and your DH. I'm so very sorry.

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  64. I'm so sorry. I think it is wise to wait a day or so to make a decision. After my 4th miscarriage (we saw a heartbeat one appointment, and it was gone the next), they suggested a D&C because then they could do some tests on our baby... for us, at the time, it was the best choice. hugs during this difficult time.

    LFCA

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  65. Prayers for your journey ahead and I am sorry for your families loss.

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  66. Here from Fran's blog..

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ((HUGS))

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  67. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts. It's just so unfair.

    Just some assvice during this difficult time... the medication may force you to wait extended time to TTC again because it has to leave your system and can stay there for a while. A D/C can also have complications sometimes, my doctor recommended to me to wait at least two weeks before going that route. I miscarried twice and each time I miscarried within that time frame.

    Again so incredibly sorry for you.

    LFCa

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  68. Here from Fran's blog. I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I have had 2 m/c's and remember the pain well. Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself as you grieve.

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  69. I am so sorry for your loss! I am thinking of you! (HUGS)

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  70. I am so very sorry for your loss. There just aren't words, so I won't say anything more. Just know that there are so many people thinking of you and wishing you strength and healing during this time. Many hugs,
    --Wendy

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  71. So so sorry. I know this feeling. A few months ago it happened to me too. There are no words to comfort you. Just allow yourself to grieve. We will be thinking of you. Take comfort in the love of those around you. xx

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