The D&C is over. It was Wednesday at noon, and it was ok I guess. I think I was just completely numb. It was my first time going under general anesthesia, and it was weird. It went by so quick. I started getting groggy, and then I woke up. It took a few minutes to realize what had happened - they took my baby. I started crying, and then I couldn't stop. I just wanted to leave the hospital, so they let me go pretty soon after I woke up and we went home. I don't really remember that day - I took the vicodin when I got home, and hoped it would make me sleep, but it didn't. The vicodin just makes me numb - both physically and emotionally. It makes the physical pain go away, and there is a ton of physical pain right now. It's like really bad menstrual cramps, and my hand hurts terribly from the IV. I both hate and love the vicodin right now - it makes me feel less, but I know that at some point, I really need to feel this pain, and work through it.
Yesterday I didn't take the vicodin in the morning, and went to work for a couple hours. This was a mistake. I can't believe I went - I felt terrible, I could barely get up out of my chair, and every hour that I was off the vicodin, it got worse. I had taken a bunch of ibuprofen as directed by the doc instead, but it didn't really help. But it allowed me to drive to work, and get a little bit done, and then I went to my therapist. I talked to her about how I'm supposed to go through this grieving process - I'm supposed to feel the pain, and work through it. I don't know how to do that. I left from talking to her, and went to my friend who stays at home with her kids and has had four miscarriages - in fact, she just had one a few months ago. I just wanted to talk to her about how you get through it. Nobody really has any answers for me, I guess there aren't really any answers. She just kept talking about her fertility doctor in Vegas, and how I should go there to try to get some answers. I can't even think about TTC again - seriously, how the hell do people keep going? I can't even imagine getting back on that train again. And then, what if it works and I get pregnant? How do people ever become comfortable with being pregnant after a miscarriage?
I really thought we were good - we had passed eight weeks, and everything looked good. I was so happy - a happy pregnancy made everything in life look good. I was so comfortable with this pregnant - we had started telling more and more people - so stupid. Now we have to tell all of those people that it didn't work. I'm trying to remember everyone as I just want to deal with it this week, and not have to deal with it later.
Right now, I'm waiting for a friend at work to bring by some stuff that needs to be signed for work. As soon as I do that, I'm going to take some vicodin and hopefully go back to bed. I actually got up this morning, and cleaned up the house a little - it was starting to look terrible. There's still a ton to do, but it's not quite a disaster like it was before. Every once in awhile, I think about all the things I should be doing - I need to work on my house, and lose weight, and get healthy. I haven't exercised in months, as I've been trying to take it easy with fertility treatments, and then with this pregnancy. I look and feel like hell - I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I think about doing stuff, and then I take a vicodin and pull the covers over my head. I downloaded a book yesterday about miscarriage - started reading it last night, and it's just crap. It talks about how you get over it, and find peace in God. I am so not there yet, if I ever will be. I'm not the best Christian you've ever seen, even before all this, and I'm definitely not there now. It all sounds so trite, and I just can't even stand to read it. I just want to be able to work through this, or have someone tell me how to get through it, and I don't know how to do this. I just want this pain to go away.