The D&C is over. It was Wednesday at noon, and it was ok I guess. I think I was just completely numb. It was my first time going under general anesthesia, and it was weird. It went by so quick. I started getting groggy, and then I woke up. It took a few minutes to realize what had happened - they took my baby. I started crying, and then I couldn't stop. I just wanted to leave the hospital, so they let me go pretty soon after I woke up and we went home. I don't really remember that day - I took the vicodin when I got home, and hoped it would make me sleep, but it didn't. The vicodin just makes me numb - both physically and emotionally. It makes the physical pain go away, and there is a ton of physical pain right now. It's like really bad menstrual cramps, and my hand hurts terribly from the IV. I both hate and love the vicodin right now - it makes me feel less, but I know that at some point, I really need to feel this pain, and work through it.
Yesterday I didn't take the vicodin in the morning, and went to work for a couple hours. This was a mistake. I can't believe I went - I felt terrible, I could barely get up out of my chair, and every hour that I was off the vicodin, it got worse. I had taken a bunch of ibuprofen as directed by the doc instead, but it didn't really help. But it allowed me to drive to work, and get a little bit done, and then I went to my therapist. I talked to her about how I'm supposed to go through this grieving process - I'm supposed to feel the pain, and work through it. I don't know how to do that. I left from talking to her, and went to my friend who stays at home with her kids and has had four miscarriages - in fact, she just had one a few months ago. I just wanted to talk to her about how you get through it. Nobody really has any answers for me, I guess there aren't really any answers. She just kept talking about her fertility doctor in Vegas, and how I should go there to try to get some answers. I can't even think about TTC again - seriously, how the hell do people keep going? I can't even imagine getting back on that train again. And then, what if it works and I get pregnant? How do people ever become comfortable with being pregnant after a miscarriage?
I really thought we were good - we had passed eight weeks, and everything looked good. I was so happy - a happy pregnancy made everything in life look good. I was so comfortable with this pregnant - we had started telling more and more people - so stupid. Now we have to tell all of those people that it didn't work. I'm trying to remember everyone as I just want to deal with it this week, and not have to deal with it later.
Right now, I'm waiting for a friend at work to bring by some stuff that needs to be signed for work. As soon as I do that, I'm going to take some vicodin and hopefully go back to bed. I actually got up this morning, and cleaned up the house a little - it was starting to look terrible. There's still a ton to do, but it's not quite a disaster like it was before. Every once in awhile, I think about all the things I should be doing - I need to work on my house, and lose weight, and get healthy. I haven't exercised in months, as I've been trying to take it easy with fertility treatments, and then with this pregnancy. I look and feel like hell - I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I think about doing stuff, and then I take a vicodin and pull the covers over my head. I downloaded a book yesterday about miscarriage - started reading it last night, and it's just crap. It talks about how you get over it, and find peace in God. I am so not there yet, if I ever will be. I'm not the best Christian you've ever seen, even before all this, and I'm definitely not there now. It all sounds so trite, and I just can't even stand to read it. I just want to be able to work through this, or have someone tell me how to get through it, and I don't know how to do this. I just want this pain to go away.
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Alex, after my second ectopic I felt very much like you. Couldn't even think of having IVF again, what it I did get pregnant? At one point I realised I would have been happier with a BFN so not to fear another ectopic, another loss and another surgery. But then you will feel better, you will feel hope and you'll try again. And it will work. And when you'll hold your baby you'll know it has all been worth it. You are in my thoughts and I'm constantly looking to see if you have updated your blog. it will get better, i promise. Fran
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) Take it day by day is the only way back. Lots of love, Junebug
ReplyDeleteTo be honest for me...Time is really what will heal the pain....and after a month of time off from the fertility world I wanted answers after our fourth loss things were no mistake something was wrong and I wanted to get to the bottom of it....so thats when I went to the Reproductive Immuniologist and my new RE at Sher Institute...and thats when the immune dx's were discovered and thats why I was willing to put myself back out there and now Im pregnant again and hoping these tx will work...and this will be it:)....You also asked how do you ever enjoy pregnancy again....for me Im very optimistic each time but gaurded too...I just take it day by day step by step....and if and when we ever get past a point when we are at a new place in pregnancy(for me that would be past 8 1/2 wks) then maybe I will start to feel a little more comfortable....but to be honest I dont think I will ever feel 100% ok until I would have that baby in my hands...Its just sucks that we have to go through infertility and then cant even comfortably enjoy pregnancy....when will the ride ever end....hopefully for both of us soon....I think its hard to deal with this kind of loss to because there are so many unanswered questions and how are we suppose to move forward with no answers no closure as I would call it...I know in time you will pick yourself up and gain the strength to look for those answers...really recommend Dr. Alan Beers book...is your body baby friendly...this was source that started my fuel to find answers and not except what I was being told...Hugs Kristi
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see an update as I've been thinking about you a lot. I'm sending you all my love and support and (((hugs))).
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you made it through that step. I hope you get the rest and healing you need.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of *hugs* and strength. I have no idea what you're going through so I have no advice but I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteJust sending lots and lots of hugs. I still don't know how I got through my miscarriage and can only hope to be in a situation where I can worry about a new pregnancy. Hibernate for a while if you have to, we'll be here when you're ready.
ReplyDeleteAs everyone else has said, it does get easier. But I know I didn't believe that in the midst (or even for months after) my miscarriage. Even now, I wonder if I was crazy to try again...and if I will ever be able to do this again if something happens this time around. I honestly don't think I can. The anxiety and stress is just so mind-numbing that it sucks all the joy right out of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please be kind to yourself, rest, take things slowly. Give yourself space to grieve. And let the rest of the world go to hell for a little while -- everyone will still be there when you get "back".
Hugs,
Jo
(((hugs))) I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.
ReplyDeleteJo has excellent advice. Just be where you are right now, and don't think about moving forward. Those thoughts will come to you when you're ready for them to be there and ready to think about them. Right now, just let those tears flow for your baby.
ReplyDeleteAs for the numbness, that's your mind protecting you. It will fade, when you're a little stronger and more able to handle it.
With the pregnancy that follows, you'll figure it out. You'll be terrified, and you'll take it one step at a time. We'll all be here to hold your hand, too, when the time comes.
Take care of yourself right now, and know that we are all sending you lots of hugs and love. Lots.
Just be true to yourself. I know you may think that you don't even know what that means. That's ok. Just do what you can and do what you need to do you for you and your husband. It sounds like the steps you've taken are good ones so far. Time will help it feel a little less raw. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of hugs, love and support.
You do get back up and go on, but it takes time. Your body is coming back down now and those hormones leave you a bit off. I read "coming to term" and I'm here on the other side if six losses telling you that I'm really optimistic.
ReplyDeleteGod is not teaching you any lesson, or punishing you. He's just here to help hold you up. Hand over your grief to him and really open your heart. He is there, Hun. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers. It's gonna suck, but it's going to be okay eventually, too.
Honey, I am right there with you. Hang in there. Sending you all good wishes and thoughts.
ReplyDelete--Wendy
I know you don't want to hear this but the only thing that helped me was time. It doesn't go away but it will become bearable. As for the next time you get pregnant, you'll just take it one day at a time and feel whatever you need to feel.... For now, numb is okay.
ReplyDeleteLike a lot of the others, with time things will get better. I say this and I'm still in the no really okay with trying again yet phase, but I've had spurts of hope lately which makes me think I'm getting closer.
ReplyDeleteThere's no right way to deal with a loss. Just try to get through each day and be kind to yourself. If you want to talk about it, cry about it, do it. Just take it easy and be gentle with yourself.
Please let me know if you need anything at all. here for you, Alex.
Hugs.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this loss right now. Keep talking about your feelings and process the thoughts as they come, you are allowed to feel everything that you are feeling, and you are allowed to hide behind the vicodin for a few days, you are healing and coping. Breathe and make it through the little stuff and the big stuff will become easier. My thoughts are with you as you go through this.
ReplyDeleteI agree with these other ladies that it is far to soon to think about how to move forward. And I totally empathize with your frustration over the level of grief. I totally wanted to reject my grief after my second loss. I think I was a lot like you-- i was able to take my first loss in stride a bit (although of course I cried and was very very disappointed and sad, but not SHATTERED). The second loss totally did me in, and I HATED that it did that to me. So I get where you are coming from here, sort of desperate to move on and put it behind you, but no idea how to.
ReplyDeleteYou just have to admit to yourself that you can't. Better days are coming a lot sooner than you think. But the grief comes back unexpectedly for a long time, too.
As for dealing with a third pregnancy, well, it totally sucks! Particularly to have been robbed of the joy of being pregnant. Sorry to say-- but it definitely takes the former losses off of your mind, at least.
I am just so devastated for you, and I am sending you the kind of vibes that i hope make you feel that it is OK to hide in bed all day.
Keeping you in my thoughts, and my heart aches for you right now, Leslie
Just take it day by day...I feel your pain as I have had recurrent miscarriages and it's scary. You can't see it now, but you will be able to pick yourself up after you allow yourself time to heal and grieve. it all seems unfair...I am thinking of you and will continue to. Reach out when you need to.
ReplyDeleteTime really does make it easier. I know that by now, having been through 3 miscarriages, but in the midst of a new one I never believe it will get better either! Hang in there. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that has always helped me is to do what feels right. It doesn't matter if my house is filthy or if the number on the scale is creeping up--if I feel like having a nap instead of cleaning or exercising, then that's what I'm going to do. You have to take care of yourself just as tenderly as you cared for your baby during your pregnancy.
Two books that people often recommend to help with healing are Empty Cradle, Broken Heart and A Silent Sorrow. I wasn't fond of EC,BH because I felt like its language minimized my pain because I "just" had early losses. I loved A Silent Sorrow though, and I often return to it when I'm having a bad day.
I'm sure you're not going to believe this right now, but the pain of this loss will fade. That doesn't help now, though, so all I can say is really don't push yourself - don't worry that the house is a mess, don't worry about getting yourself in shape this minute. Just let it all go. You'll have time for all of that later (after my D&C we had to wait two months to start again). You're allowed to be sad and mad and frustrated and angry and anything else you want to be. And know that we're all here for you anytime you want.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great Alex. Don't underestimate how great you are doing... don't feel bad for taking the vicidin and pulling the covers over your head, for now that is just what you need to do. Give yourself time and plenty of it. I wish there was an easy way through this but in time the pain will fade. There is no rush to tackle all the other things you feel nagging at you, you are the important one, for now just concentrate on doing what feels right without guilt and everything else can wait. Thinking of you. x
ReplyDeleteYou just have to let yourself feel everything, as hard as that is, in order to work through your feelings. One step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI do understand your feelings about god right now. I'm still angry about infertility and the unfairness of it. And for awhile reading those books did nothing for me either.
For now just do what you can handle. If that means not getting out of bed for awhile, then that is okay. You'll get to the things on your list tomorrow. Or the next day.
Take care.
Hang in there. I think pain (all kinds) just slowly fades. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and strength.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie I wish there was something I could say or do that will help with the pain but I know there isn't. I think you just need to do what feels right for you, whether it's being angry, depressed or whatever feeling you might be having, just let your feelings guide you. I hope you will keep blogging because I am sure there are plenty of women who can offer more appropriate advice. I wish wanted to let you know I am here for you and here if you want to talk. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
ReplyDeleteTaking it day by day is the best advice I can give you. Your feelings will go up and down with each passing day so this is no time to be thinking about moving forward. You have been through so much...take time for you and don't worry about the house, work or losing weight. Be kind to yourself during this time. You will know when it is time to address these issues. There are no set rules for dealing with miscarriage...everyone is different. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. Do what comes naturally for you and take care of YOU.
ReplyDeleteAlex -- I'm so sorry. I wish I had words of comfort, but all I can say is that I'm here, reading, listening, thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteFrom a new reader and fellow infertile - I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you've been through. Sending you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteICLW #154