Trying to be Strong

First, I want to thank you all for your caring comments yesterday and into this morning. Whoever came up with this blog and commend idea is just amazing! My phone buzzed throughout the day with your wonderful messages, and I truly felt the warmth and support of this incredible IF community. I didn't feel alone - you are the only people in my life that understand me, that really understand what I'm going through. Thank you to those that spread the word about me - this community is amazing, and it really rallies around those who need the support. I really needed all of you yesterday, and you definitely stepped up! I'm so thankful I have you in my life.

Somehow I made it through yesterday - I think it was the longest day of my life. I had gone to my RE's office - I was coming to the end of my weekly visits to the RE to do weekly ultrasounds. I was about to graduate from the RE - I was almost at the plac where everyone considered me to be mostly safe from the risk of miscarriage. The RE office handled it very well - I got the ultrasound from one of the younger doctors, who I really like. He, along with one of the nurses, reviewed my ultrasound, and confirmed there was no heartbeat. He explained all my options and I think was pushing the D&C, but it's hard for me to tell - I barely remember that meeting.

I went home, and all morning just lay in my bed and cried. I wailed and cried, until I couldn't cry anymore, and then I would cry some more. I told my friend at work (we'll call her A) that knew everything that was going on, primarily because I needed to tell someone I wasn't coming into work. My boss is out of town this week, whic is nice because I don't have to explain it to him, but it's bad because he wants one of us to be there at all times, and I'm not there this week to supervise the rest of the group. I know they'll be fine, but still. I'm trying not to worry about it, but that's against my nature. Anyway, A suggested around noon that I get a confirmation ultrasound from my regular OB/GYN and discuss his opinion of my options - I was really struggling with what to do. So I called that office, and the nurse called be back around 2, and asked if I could come in at 3. A had told me earlier that if the Hubs couldn't make it to an appointment, that she would go with me. So I picked her up from work, and we went to my OB/GYN.

The OB/GYN was amazing - he's really good with people. I just saw him and the ultrasound tech last week - a week ago today - and last week they both said everything looked really good. My baby had a heartbeat last week, and was growing. I remember the sound of that heartbeat. I'm so glad I got to hear my baby one time. The doc and the tehch confirmed there was no heartbeat yesterday. It was so good to have A there with me - she held my hand and cried with me during the ultrasound. The doc was passing tissues to both of us. Then we discussed my options. The doc highly recommended doing a D&C. I think after weighing all the options, it will be easiest to do a D&C, and have it done and behind me. I can't imagine waiting for my body to miscarry - I think that's too much torture, and I don't know that I'm strong enough to go through that waiting, and the process. So the doc scheduled me for the surgery today - I go in at 10:30, the surgery should be at 12:00, and then I'll go home. And thank goodness the hubs took the day off so he will be with me. Many of your stories really helped me with this decision to do the D&C as well. I was afraid of a D&C, but your comments really helped me to get over that fear. I'm still very nervous - I have never had general anesthesia, and I'm terrified the procedure will do something bad to my body, but if all of you can do it, so can I. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm strong, and I can handle this. Sometimes I believe it, but sometimes it's too hard.

So this morning I wait for time to pass until the surgery. I finally fell asleep around midnight, and woke up at 4 this morning, but I'm thankful I got a little sleep at least. This morning it took me a few seconds to realize what happened - and then I started crying all over again. My doc gave me a prescription for vicodin, so hopefully after the surgery I can just fall into a drug-induced sleep for awhile. Hopefully it works - I've never taken anything like that before. I just want to feel better. I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything, so I feel incredibly nauseous - oh the joys of pregnancy symptoms when I have a dead baby inside me. The painful breasts and nausea all serve to remind me that I'm pregnant - but not. I just want this to be over. But more than anything, I want my baby back.