When bad things happen, I have a tendency to let my thoughts swirl around in my head, which makes things worse. I have a history of depression, so it’s very important for me to recognize when I’m heading down that path, and divert myself. One of the ways that helps is to get out of my head – start paying attention to others. It always helps to think of others when you’re having a hard time thinking of nobody other than yourself. Or at least that’s how it works for me.
One thing that has helped tremendously is to read other people’s blogs. Everybody helped me so much last week. I would find the energy to write something on my blog, which helped get the feelings out, and it was so nice to receive the comments back. I finally started reading other people’s blogs yesterday, and plan on continuing to catch up today. It really helps to think of other people, and realize what they’re going through, and know that I’m not alone. That is what is so amazing about this community. I really don’t know if I could have gone through last week without everyone’s comments, and without having a place to put my feelings – someone to tell, with no judging, no questions. Just love and understanding.
Now I’m trying to get back out in the community, and it’s harder. It’s hard for me to be positive. I fear for those that were with me in our early pregnancy together. Let’s face it, I fear for everyone. And my heart breaks for those that receive bad news. I started my day today with Rebecca’s news – her little spider baby is dead. I was so excited for her when she received her surprise BFP – just before she was planning on starting IVF, she got pregnant the natural way. She gave me hope. But I can’t believe her little one is now dead. It’s just not fair. Why do we have to go through this? Rebecca doesn’t deserve this. For those of you that don’t know her, please stop by her blog and give her a virtual hug. I know those of you that know her already have.
Today I’m sad. A week ago, I found out my baby was dead. I still don’t understand – I don’t know if I ever will. Also it doesn’t help that I’m in a lot of pain. Starting about 9:00 last night, I started getting waves of pain – I imagine it felt like contractions, but of course I don’t really know. I was doubled over, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t walk or anything. It would last for about a minute, and it happened every 3-5 minutes. I took one vicodin – hadn’t had to take it since Saturday night. After 30 minutes with no effect, I took another. It didn’t help. Plus I started bleeding pretty heavily. I guess my body is trying to expel what is left in there. I was up most of the night – occasionally drifting off to sleep, and then waking up to a terrible pain. I just lay in bed clutching my heating pad, wishing the pain would go away. This morning it’s a little better. I’m taking 4 advil at a time, about every 3 hours, and it makes it manageable. Also my legs and belly are swollen like crazy. I feel awful, and so I called the doctor. I talked to some nurse who said this is all normal. She said that it’s normal to have pain come and go, and for the bleeding to come and go, sometimes for up to 4 weeks. So I’m glad it’s normal I guess. But this sucks. I just wish I could feel better – emotionally AND physically. When does that start???