Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Getting out of my head - and PAIN!

When bad things happen, I have a tendency to let my thoughts swirl around in my head, which makes things worse. I have a history of depression, so it’s very important for me to recognize when I’m heading down that path, and divert myself. One of the ways that helps is to get out of my head – start paying attention to others. It always helps to think of others when you’re having a hard time thinking of nobody other than yourself. Or at least that’s how it works for me.

One thing that has helped tremendously is to read other people’s blogs. Everybody helped me so much last week. I would find the energy to write something on my blog, which helped get the feelings out, and it was so nice to receive the comments back. I finally started reading other people’s blogs yesterday, and plan on continuing to catch up today. It really helps to think of other people, and realize what they’re going through, and know that I’m not alone. That is what is so amazing about this community. I really don’t know if I could have gone through last week without everyone’s comments, and without having a place to put my feelings – someone to tell, with no judging, no questions. Just love and understanding.

Now I’m trying to get back out in the community, and it’s harder. It’s hard for me to be positive. I fear for those that were with me in our early pregnancy together. Let’s face it, I fear for everyone. And my heart breaks for those that receive bad news. I started my day today with Rebecca’s news – her little spider baby is dead. I was so excited for her when she received her surprise BFP – just before she was planning on starting IVF, she got pregnant the natural way. She gave me hope. But I can’t believe her little one is now dead. It’s just not fair. Why do we have to go through this? Rebecca doesn’t deserve this. For those of you that don’t know her, please stop by her blog and give her a virtual hug. I know those of you that know her already have.

Today I’m sad. A week ago, I found out my baby was dead. I still don’t understand – I don’t know if I ever will. Also it doesn’t help that I’m in a lot of pain. Starting about 9:00 last night, I started getting waves of pain – I imagine it felt like contractions, but of course I don’t really know. I was doubled over, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t walk or anything. It would last for about a minute, and it happened every 3-5 minutes. I took one vicodin – hadn’t had to take it since Saturday night. After 30 minutes with no effect, I took another. It didn’t help. Plus I started bleeding pretty heavily. I guess my body is trying to expel what is left in there. I was up most of the night – occasionally drifting off to sleep, and then waking up to a terrible pain. I just lay in bed clutching my heating pad, wishing the pain would go away. This morning it’s a little better. I’m taking 4 advil at a time, about every 3 hours, and it makes it manageable. Also my legs and belly are swollen like crazy. I feel awful, and so I called the doctor. I talked to some nurse who said this is all normal. She said that it’s normal to have pain come and go, and for the bleeding to come and go, sometimes for up to 4 weeks. So I’m glad it’s normal I guess. But this sucks. I just wish I could feel better – emotionally AND physically. When does that start???


  1. Oh Alex, I can't speak from your precise experience but I know from my own stuggles that it will get easier. I wish I could help you take the pain away, I imagine the only thing that will help is time.
    I think you are incredibly strong. I was amazed that you commented on my blog in such a selfless & supportive manner. Thank you. I feel so sad about both you and Rebecca, my heart breaks for you.You are in my thoughts and I will be standing here with you every step of the way.

  2. oh babe - i don't know at what point it does get better, but i promise you it will. i'm pulling hard for you to heal quickly from this (both physically and mentally). this is just about the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through - keep the faith that you got pregnant. now we'll just work on keeping you pregnant and you're gonna get there!! sending you a great big hug :o)

  3. Keep an eye on that. I had two D&C's and both had different side effects. You might want to ask them to do another scan. How are the preg symptoms? If they are not diminshed by a lot, call that doc now. End of bossy aunt misfit note.

    Otherwise, girly, you aren't alone and we are all here pulling for you. The odds are really good for RPL that you'll have a successful next pragnancy. I am deeply sadened by your loss and it's good to know that you are putting yourself outside your head. You are so strong and I just want to give you a big virtual hug.

  4. Hi, here from Rebecca's blog.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels. I know how you can't stop crying after the D&C... And I am so sorry you are going through this.

    It takes a while to come back to the world of living. Life does go on, but the surreal feeling that you are not part of it will be with you for a bit. I do not know how I managed to get back, but finally I did. Now I am 33w pregnant and all seems well (just in case you want to stop by my blog and this might be difficult for you right now - I understand all too well if you need to stay away).

    Sending you big hugs and praying that you find your peace soon.

  5. I am so devastated for both you and Rebecca. It's just so horrible and unfair.

    Like you, I still have a hell of a time reading blogs of pregnant IFers, particularly newly pregnant ones - because I am so scared for them and don't want to remind them of what's happened to me by just commenting.

    Don't force yourself to comment if you don't feel up to it, if reading blogs are just hurting you, feel free to take yourself out of the reading for a while if you want. Or just read only other loss blogs for a while. Whatever helps you heal.

    I hope the pain dies down very soon, it sounds horrible. I'll be thinking of you.

  6. The post-d&c discomfort sounds awful. I am so aorry you have to keep dealing with not only th emotional pain but also the physical.

    Your pregnancy gave me hope, and even though you are mourning your loss, I am pulling for you and more positive news in the meantime!!!

  7. No one expects you to be sunshine, roses, and positivity, love. Be where you are and go easy. You've got a large group of women who support you and know where you're coming from. Use us.


  8. I feel terrible for you and am so sorry. I wish there was something we could say to make you feel better.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  9. (((hugs))) Alex and thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's unfathomable to me that we're both going through this. I don't understand it and I don't know how to behave. I don't quite know how to express this because I wish nothing more than that this was different for both of us but I'm incredibly glad to have someone who understands right now.

    I feel like a lifetime has passed since I found out and it has only been a day. Like you, I'm trying to stay out of my head and the only way I can seem to do that is by reaching out. I feel awkward posting on other people's blogs right now, but I also feel like I need to still be a part of this community in all ways or I'll just keep wallowing in my own head waiting to bleed -- which isn't good.

    And, I'm so sorry for the pain. I hope it starts to feel better physically soon.

  10. I'm so sorry that you are still having a rough time physically. Hopefully, your body will feel better soon, which can help you heal emotionally. HUGS to you!

  11. Hi Alex - Here from linking off of Stirrup Queens. You are in my thoughts - it is so hard to get through this time, but you will get through this. Best wishes and I know it will happen again.

  12. Oh Alex, I am so sorry to hear your are feeling such horrible pain both emotional and physical. No one should have to go through such pain and my heart truly goes out to you. I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing I could take some of your pain away. xxx

  13. Alex, I'm so sorry for the pain! As if the emotional one was not enough. You'll get through this and I can't even express in words how much I feel your true encouragement for my journey. Much love, Fran

  14. Is it not proper etiquette to say that this sucks??? Too bad! I'm saying it! This SUCKS! I'm sorry that you lost your baby, and I'm sorry that it's causing you so much physical pain, let alone emotional pain. I'm so, so sorry for all of it, Alex. *hugs*

  15. I dont think there is a start time, to be honest. At somepoint, for me, it became a part of me that I learned to accept and deal with. But I never felt like I could get through or beyond.