Today is my 35th birthday. Kind of feels like just another day, but it could have gone a completely different direction. I’ve been dreading this day for a long time. I’ve been worried that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. All of the stats related to fertility change at 35. Over 35, our chances decrease dramatically. We become something called Advanced Maternal Age. Am I really less fertile today than I was yesterday? Based on all the hype, I feel like I am, and this makes me sad.
I’m trying to focus on the positive today – I am pregnant. Today I’m 7 weeks pregnant, and I’m so incredibly happy about that! This week was awesome – I saw a heartbeat. I booked an appointment for my regular OB, and I talked about the plan for stopping the progesterone suppositories. And the threatened ectopic pregnancy may not be ectopic – it may have never been a pregnancy at all. Or it is resolving itself on its own. Things are looking good, they really are. This shouldn’t be a bad day.
But a part of me is sad today – I’m mourning my youth. I have been thinking about this 35th birthday for a long time – almost 10 years. I just wanted to be done with having babies by now. I know that life got in the way, and it didn’t work out that way, but it definitely has taken a lot longer than I had hoped. I’ve made an important first step – I’m actually pregnant. And for that, I’m thankful and thrilled! But this will not be the end. I want at least one more after this baby. And I’m afraid that having that second child will be even harder than the first.
I know that sometimes it gets easier to have the second baby. And given all the possibilities and what I’ve seen with my bloggy friends in particular, it can be a whole lot harder than what I’ve gone through, and I’m very thankful for being pregnant after a little over a year of trying and two IUI’s. And it’s way too early to even think about the second baby. I need to focus on this little one, and be happy in my pregnancy today. And be happy about my 35 years of life. It hasn’t all been easy, but it has made me into who I am today. And I like that woman.