I went in for monitoring this morning, and my three lead follicles that I had on Monday are now down to two. The nurse couldn’t even find one decent size follicle on my left ovary today, when on Monday there was one beautiful 10 mm folly! So I now have two follies on my right ovary – one at 13 and one at 14 mm. They’re growing away! I keep telling myself that this is good, that two follicles means two chances, and all I need is one. But my previous two IUI’s had three follicles each, and I only got pregnant with one baby each. No, two follicles equals two chances – this is good!!! (Definitely trying to work on my attitude…) The lining looks good at over 9 mm, so that’s good.
My bloodwork looks good: Estradiol at 392, LH at 3.13, Progesterone at 1.25. I’m supposed to continue with 75 of Gonal-F, start doing the Ganirelix tonight, and also start doing the Lovenox tonight. Oh boy, 3 shots each day! Definitely not looking forward to that…
The great news is I seem to be progressing such that I would trigger Friday night and have the two IUI’s on Saturday and Sunday, which would be wonderful as I wouldn’t have to miss work and make up some excuse as to why I have to miss two mornings in a row! AND – if I have an IUI on Saturday, then one of the IUIs can be with fresh sperm, as the hubs flies out on Saturday. We can only hope.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Of Course It Is!
About a month ago, I shared a story about my friend A. My super wonderful, super fertile friend A is pregnant, and I didn't handle her announcement very well. She just had her first ultrasound, and guess what – it’s twins! Of course it is! Why wouldn’t the super lucky uber-fertile woman be pregnant with twins??? Meanwhile, the first due date of my first baby is coming up – October 16. This little one was only with me for a few days before I knew it was ectopic, but I miss it. And then I would be 23 weeks pregnant now with my second baby, if he would have lived. I really hope I’m pregnant before the due date for my second little one. Oh wait, maybe I’ll be pregnant before the due date for my first baby… I probably won’t know by then, but maybe…
I responded well to the ultrasound picture of the two little sacs when A handed it to me. I was very excited for her, and reacted appropriately. She’s so overwhelmed, concerned with money, concerned with having two babies when her oldest won’t even be two years old. Of course, these are real concerns, but I wish it were me. I’ve always wanted twins. Shoot, I’ve always wanted a baby – I’d love just one right now. No, I’d rather have the two I lost.
I responded well to the ultrasound picture of the two little sacs when A handed it to me. I was very excited for her, and reacted appropriately. She’s so overwhelmed, concerned with money, concerned with having two babies when her oldest won’t even be two years old. Of course, these are real concerns, but I wish it were me. I’ve always wanted twins. Shoot, I’ve always wanted a baby – I’d love just one right now. No, I’d rather have the two I lost.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Q&A Chain Letter – and WONDERFUL News – and Cycle Update
Thanks to Sienna for the nomination. I’m so thrilled to be responding to her letter today, because she just received amazing news – she’s pregnant!!! And her beta is wonderful! So excited for her!!!!
I usually don’t pass on these kinds of things, but I thought it would be fun…
1. What is your dream occupation?
When I was younger, I always wanted to be a doctor. I got in trouble at school when I was around six years old because I was charging people a nickel to pull out their loose teeth. I thought it was a great business. My patients thought I was performing a valuable service, and I liked making the money. Unfortunately, the school nurse and my mother did not agree… I’m still fascinated by all things medicine, including this whole fertility business. I would do something medical, but I really don’t want to go back to school. Right now, my accounting job at a biotech will have to suffice.
2. Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper?
Twice. Once, my picture was in the newspaper because I was ranked 3rd in my high school graduating class, and they took a picture of the top three – didn’t get a title, but I loved that picture. And then, just before Ar.thur And.ersen was failing due to the whole En.ron fiasco, the company took out a two page ad in the W.all S.treet J.ournal, and listed all 28,000 employees that were going to lose their job if the Depar.tment of Just.ice continued with their indictment. Later, it was overturned, but it didn’t change the fact that we all lost our jobs. Most of my office went to another firm, but it wasn’t the same. That was a big turning point in my life. Prior to that, I was a happy workaholic, and it all changed when I lost my job. Made me question my whole career and everything. In the end, it was very good. But it was really hard to go through.
3. What’s the worst and/or most memorable job you’ve ever had?
The Lim.ited. I worked there over the Christmas break my freshman year in college, and I hated every moment of it. I hated the pressure to sell stuff I didn’t like. I hated the mad rush before Christmas to buy just anything. I hated the men who came in and when asked what size their wife was, everyone said, “About your size.” I also hated the men who would come in on Christmas Eve, and when told that we didn’t have anything left in size 8 or whatever, they would buy their wives size 14 just to have something under the tree. I hate the insane after Christmas sales, especially knowing that we just robbed everyone of their money two days earlier. I simply hated it all. The next summer, I worked at Targ.et – much better!
4. When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?
I always thought I would be 25 when I got married, then kinds 2-3 years later. Would be done having kids by 31 or 32. I thought that was way too old to have kids…
I got married the first time at 26 – I’m embarrassed to say that I figured it was time to get married, time to settle down, so I married the first nice guy that came around. And he was nice, he just wasn’t right for me. We tried to get pregnant – didn’t work. Two years after getting married, we divorced. I felt very messed up in the head, didn’t really want to date much for awhile. The first guy I started dating after my separation I assumed would be just a rebound guy. Two months after we started dating, he asked me to marry him. I said no. Five and ½ years later, he asked me again. I said yes. We got married when I was 33 – almost 34. I wish I would have waited until I was more sure to get married, but unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way.
5. What’s your most hated household chore? What’s your favorite?
I hate cleaning the house – all of it. But my absolute worse chore is cleaning showers and bathtubs. Hate every bit of that!!! My favorite is cleaning the kitchen and getting all the counters clean and sink shining. There’s something so inspiring about that. If my kitchen is clean, and there’s no clutter on the counters, then it feels like all is right with the world.
6. What’s your earliest memory?
I don’t know. I struggle with this one. I don’t remember much until I was about 8-9 years old, and even that is fuzzy. I get confused as to whether memories are memories of pictures that are in photo books, or stories that I’ve been told. I had a very messed up early childhood, and I think a lot of that is blocked out. So I don’t have anything really good for this question…
And for a cycle update… It’s CD8, day 5 of meds, and I had an ultrasound and bloodwork today. I’m still awaiting the results of the bloodwork, but I have three lead follicles – one at 12 mm, and two at 10 mm. So everything is looking good! I go back on Wednesday and Friday for more monitoring. If I have to bet, I would say my IUI’s will be next Monday and Tuesday. Oh and good news. I didn’t bug the hubs about dropping off his own swimmers to be frozen, and he asked me to make an appointment for round 1 tomorrow morning. And he’s planning on doing round 2 later this week. I really didn’t want to make the drive twice this week AND twice next week, and I think he realized it’s only fair for him to do his part. Yay!!!
I usually don’t pass on these kinds of things, but I thought it would be fun…
1. What is your dream occupation?
When I was younger, I always wanted to be a doctor. I got in trouble at school when I was around six years old because I was charging people a nickel to pull out their loose teeth. I thought it was a great business. My patients thought I was performing a valuable service, and I liked making the money. Unfortunately, the school nurse and my mother did not agree… I’m still fascinated by all things medicine, including this whole fertility business. I would do something medical, but I really don’t want to go back to school. Right now, my accounting job at a biotech will have to suffice.
2. Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper?
Twice. Once, my picture was in the newspaper because I was ranked 3rd in my high school graduating class, and they took a picture of the top three – didn’t get a title, but I loved that picture. And then, just before Ar.thur And.ersen was failing due to the whole En.ron fiasco, the company took out a two page ad in the W.all S.treet J.ournal, and listed all 28,000 employees that were going to lose their job if the Depar.tment of Just.ice continued with their indictment. Later, it was overturned, but it didn’t change the fact that we all lost our jobs. Most of my office went to another firm, but it wasn’t the same. That was a big turning point in my life. Prior to that, I was a happy workaholic, and it all changed when I lost my job. Made me question my whole career and everything. In the end, it was very good. But it was really hard to go through.
3. What’s the worst and/or most memorable job you’ve ever had?
The Lim.ited. I worked there over the Christmas break my freshman year in college, and I hated every moment of it. I hated the pressure to sell stuff I didn’t like. I hated the mad rush before Christmas to buy just anything. I hated the men who came in and when asked what size their wife was, everyone said, “About your size.” I also hated the men who would come in on Christmas Eve, and when told that we didn’t have anything left in size 8 or whatever, they would buy their wives size 14 just to have something under the tree. I hate the insane after Christmas sales, especially knowing that we just robbed everyone of their money two days earlier. I simply hated it all. The next summer, I worked at Targ.et – much better!
4. When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?
I always thought I would be 25 when I got married, then kinds 2-3 years later. Would be done having kids by 31 or 32. I thought that was way too old to have kids…
I got married the first time at 26 – I’m embarrassed to say that I figured it was time to get married, time to settle down, so I married the first nice guy that came around. And he was nice, he just wasn’t right for me. We tried to get pregnant – didn’t work. Two years after getting married, we divorced. I felt very messed up in the head, didn’t really want to date much for awhile. The first guy I started dating after my separation I assumed would be just a rebound guy. Two months after we started dating, he asked me to marry him. I said no. Five and ½ years later, he asked me again. I said yes. We got married when I was 33 – almost 34. I wish I would have waited until I was more sure to get married, but unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way.
5. What’s your most hated household chore? What’s your favorite?
I hate cleaning the house – all of it. But my absolute worse chore is cleaning showers and bathtubs. Hate every bit of that!!! My favorite is cleaning the kitchen and getting all the counters clean and sink shining. There’s something so inspiring about that. If my kitchen is clean, and there’s no clutter on the counters, then it feels like all is right with the world.
6. What’s your earliest memory?
I don’t know. I struggle with this one. I don’t remember much until I was about 8-9 years old, and even that is fuzzy. I get confused as to whether memories are memories of pictures that are in photo books, or stories that I’ve been told. I had a very messed up early childhood, and I think a lot of that is blocked out. So I don’t have anything really good for this question…
And for a cycle update… It’s CD8, day 5 of meds, and I had an ultrasound and bloodwork today. I’m still awaiting the results of the bloodwork, but I have three lead follicles – one at 12 mm, and two at 10 mm. So everything is looking good! I go back on Wednesday and Friday for more monitoring. If I have to bet, I would say my IUI’s will be next Monday and Tuesday. Oh and good news. I didn’t bug the hubs about dropping off his own swimmers to be frozen, and he asked me to make an appointment for round 1 tomorrow morning. And he’s planning on doing round 2 later this week. I really didn’t want to make the drive twice this week AND twice next week, and I think he realized it’s only fair for him to do his part. Yay!!!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
IUI #3 – Cleared to Go!
Had my CD3 bloodwork & ultrasound this morning, and we’re officially a go for IUI #3! Here are the results of my bloodwork – everything looks good for CD3.
Progesterone: 1.45
LH: 6.97
FSH: 5.40
Estradiol: 77.5
No cysts, lining looks good for now, so I’m supposed to start meds tomorrow – 75 of Gonal-F. They didn’t want me to start today, because then I would need to go in for monitoring on Friday, and they wouldn’t see anything. So they asked me to start meds tomorrow, and then my first monitoring appointment is on Monday. They really don’t like to work on the weekends…
Got all the meds yesterday. Phew, that was almost hard. But the amazing thing is I now have a medication that is paid for by insurance – Lovenox. I get all my meds from Freedom Fertility, and they quoted me $1,082 for 30 days of Lovenox. Oh my goodness – that’s a lot. Especially considering if this IUI actually works, I would stay on this med until after delivery! So I called my insurance company, found out they covered it because it’s not an actual fertility med – just a regular old blood thinner. So I asked Freedom Fertility to use my insurance on that med. Turns out the insurance company wouldn’t pay Freedom Fertility because of the word “Fertility” in the name, so we transferred the script to my local grocery store pharmacy. Then the insurance company agreed to pay it. Guess how much my copay is - $7! So excited about this!!! Finally I like my insurance again. We’ve had a bad relationship considering how much I’ve been paying for fertility meds and treatments this year…
Between the meds yesterday and paying for the IUI including monitoring today, I’ve spent $4,000 in two days. Ugh. Hate this part.
Will be an interesting cycle. Just mapped it out on my handy calendar. I go to Austin this weekend (watching a UT game!), so I’ll need to keep the drugs cool in a cooler during the day while it’s left in the car, and will be shooting up in a hotel. Then during the IUI, the hubs will be in California for work, so we won’t be working with fresh spermies – have to freeze them next week. (We’re having an argument as to who has to drop off his two samples. The office where the IUI is done is an hour away. I don’t want to make the trip – during work hours – 4 times. I already have to do 2 for the IUI’s – don’t you think he should have to do the sperm drop-offs??? I wonder who will win this argument…I think it will be him. grumble grumble…) And after the IUI’s, during the 2ww, we’re going to Maryland for a friend’s wedding. I’ll be on Lovenox at that point, so I’ll need to fly with needles – need to get a doctor’s note for that one. Hopefully with everything that is going on, the time will go by fast.
This is my third IUI, and I’m not nervous about any of it. Until the end. The shots, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork, the IUI’s, no big deal. I can handle all of that. A BFN? I could probably handle that as well, although it would really suck – really suck. What I’m really scared of is a BFP. Because that starts the worry, the fear, all of the anxiety. If all this results in a BFP, I’ll be so afraid of losing another baby. But I need to not focus on that right now. Just worry about the everyday stuff – the shots, the monitoring, figuring out the next steps. The rest I’ll worry about later.
Progesterone: 1.45
LH: 6.97
FSH: 5.40
Estradiol: 77.5
No cysts, lining looks good for now, so I’m supposed to start meds tomorrow – 75 of Gonal-F. They didn’t want me to start today, because then I would need to go in for monitoring on Friday, and they wouldn’t see anything. So they asked me to start meds tomorrow, and then my first monitoring appointment is on Monday. They really don’t like to work on the weekends…
Got all the meds yesterday. Phew, that was almost hard. But the amazing thing is I now have a medication that is paid for by insurance – Lovenox. I get all my meds from Freedom Fertility, and they quoted me $1,082 for 30 days of Lovenox. Oh my goodness – that’s a lot. Especially considering if this IUI actually works, I would stay on this med until after delivery! So I called my insurance company, found out they covered it because it’s not an actual fertility med – just a regular old blood thinner. So I asked Freedom Fertility to use my insurance on that med. Turns out the insurance company wouldn’t pay Freedom Fertility because of the word “Fertility” in the name, so we transferred the script to my local grocery store pharmacy. Then the insurance company agreed to pay it. Guess how much my copay is - $7! So excited about this!!! Finally I like my insurance again. We’ve had a bad relationship considering how much I’ve been paying for fertility meds and treatments this year…
Between the meds yesterday and paying for the IUI including monitoring today, I’ve spent $4,000 in two days. Ugh. Hate this part.
Will be an interesting cycle. Just mapped it out on my handy calendar. I go to Austin this weekend (watching a UT game!), so I’ll need to keep the drugs cool in a cooler during the day while it’s left in the car, and will be shooting up in a hotel. Then during the IUI, the hubs will be in California for work, so we won’t be working with fresh spermies – have to freeze them next week. (We’re having an argument as to who has to drop off his two samples. The office where the IUI is done is an hour away. I don’t want to make the trip – during work hours – 4 times. I already have to do 2 for the IUI’s – don’t you think he should have to do the sperm drop-offs??? I wonder who will win this argument…I think it will be him. grumble grumble…) And after the IUI’s, during the 2ww, we’re going to Maryland for a friend’s wedding. I’ll be on Lovenox at that point, so I’ll need to fly with needles – need to get a doctor’s note for that one. Hopefully with everything that is going on, the time will go by fast.
This is my third IUI, and I’m not nervous about any of it. Until the end. The shots, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork, the IUI’s, no big deal. I can handle all of that. A BFN? I could probably handle that as well, although it would really suck – really suck. What I’m really scared of is a BFP. Because that starts the worry, the fear, all of the anxiety. If all this results in a BFP, I’ll be so afraid of losing another baby. But I need to not focus on that right now. Just worry about the everyday stuff – the shots, the monitoring, figuring out the next steps. The rest I’ll worry about later.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I’m Back…
I’m back! And busy – and tired!!! We flew back late last night, and I’m here at work now – oh boy, can’t wait until later today when I crash… My stupid boss set up a meeting for 4:00 this afternoon, so I can’t even leave early. Oh, and this is about the project he was supposed to get done while I was gone, and he didn’t do anything on it – in 2 ½ weeks!!! I woke up at 3:20 this morning, and couldn’t go back to sleep. The good news is I got a bunch of laundry and stuff done before coming to work. The bad news is I’m now exhausted, and it will only get worse as the day goes on…
Will definitely post some pics of the trip later this week – once I get them organized. Such a wonderful trip! I thanked the hubs for pushing the trip. It was something that he always pushed for, and I really didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go, as I was supposed to be pregnant, and didn’t want the additional stress. Turns out it all worked out ok.
No rest for the weary – guess who started her period this morning! It was weird – my temps still hadn’t really dropped. Honestly for the last couple days, I thought I was pregnant, and was very disappointed this morning when I got my period. I half-heartedly tracked everything this cycle. Our BD timing wasn’t fabulous, but it was “Good” as rated by fertility friend, I checked my temps every few days or so after O’ing, and even this morning, they hadn’t dropped like they normally do prior to AF. I really thought I was pregnant – more than I have for a natural cycle in a very long time. But I was worried – yesterday on the plane ride home was our first non-alcoholic day in a long time… But no reason to worry, I didn’t get pregnant. I was relaxed, went on vacation, got drunk, had fun sex, and still didn’t get pregnant. Was definitely disappointed – was really hoping I didn’t have to go through another IUI, but here we are. It’s CD1, I made an appointment for Wednesday for my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound, ordered a bunch of meds, and we’ll do IUI #3 – ugh.
I really am going to try to get caught up on my blog reading in the next few days – really hoping that there is some wonderful news out there for me to read!!! I’ve missed you ladies!!!
Will definitely post some pics of the trip later this week – once I get them organized. Such a wonderful trip! I thanked the hubs for pushing the trip. It was something that he always pushed for, and I really didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go, as I was supposed to be pregnant, and didn’t want the additional stress. Turns out it all worked out ok.
No rest for the weary – guess who started her period this morning! It was weird – my temps still hadn’t really dropped. Honestly for the last couple days, I thought I was pregnant, and was very disappointed this morning when I got my period. I half-heartedly tracked everything this cycle. Our BD timing wasn’t fabulous, but it was “Good” as rated by fertility friend, I checked my temps every few days or so after O’ing, and even this morning, they hadn’t dropped like they normally do prior to AF. I really thought I was pregnant – more than I have for a natural cycle in a very long time. But I was worried – yesterday on the plane ride home was our first non-alcoholic day in a long time… But no reason to worry, I didn’t get pregnant. I was relaxed, went on vacation, got drunk, had fun sex, and still didn’t get pregnant. Was definitely disappointed – was really hoping I didn’t have to go through another IUI, but here we are. It’s CD1, I made an appointment for Wednesday for my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound, ordered a bunch of meds, and we’ll do IUI #3 – ugh.
I really am going to try to get caught up on my blog reading in the next few days – really hoping that there is some wonderful news out there for me to read!!! I’ve missed you ladies!!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Hello from a train!
I'm riding on a train from Basel to Munich, as we make our way to our last stop. This will be our 6th stop, 3 nights in Munich, with the primary goal of Oktoberfest. It's been a wonderful trip, lots of wonderful sights, food and drink. Very glad we did this. But I keep thinking about how this trip should have been different, or perhaps not at all.
I've eaten so much wonderful food, most of which seems is on the forbidden for pregnancy list. And that does not even include the many glasses of wine and beer, including the upcoming Oktoberfest weekend! And I've done a ton of walking, hiking, some of it quite strenuous. Would never have done that if I was 5 months pregnant as planned. But I have had a wonderful time being able to enjoy those things.
The real reason I'm taking some time out of my vacation to write a post, something I swore I wouldn't do, is I want to write about my conversation last night with my friend M. She lives in Basel, and 8 weeks ago she lost her baby when she was 4 1/2 months along. She started leaking amniotic fluid, checked into the hospital for bed rest, was monitored for over a week, hoping the hole in her sac would heal, but watched her fluid levels continue to decrease. Finally she had to make the heart wrenching decision to deliver the baby. I guess she could have continued the pregnancy, but the doctors guaranteed that the baby wouldn't properly develop, that it wouldn't be healthy, and it was likely that M would get an infection that would likely hurt her chances of future pregnancies. And so she chose to induce labor.
I spoke with her via text while she was in the hospital and the day before the delivery, after the decision, but I hadn't really talked to her about it since, at her request. But last night, after dinner, I pulled her aside from our men, and asked if we could talk about it.
She said she's doing fine now. She took a month off of work, and now she's back, and they're trying again for another child. She was showing quite a bit before she lost the baby, and they had done a huge announcement when she was 3 months along, so the worst part was telling everyone. Of course different people responded differently. Some of our mutual friends didn't respond at all-not a note, text, nothing. She was very disappointed in them, and doesn't know what to do about them. I told her about how some people don't know what to say, are very uncomfortable about pregnancy loss, but trying not to give excuses for these friends of ours.
It was a really good conversation, but I couldn't help having negative feelings. She barely asked about me, and I had told her I was pregnant earlier this summer, and I had told her about my miscarriage at 9 weeks. I don't think she views our losses as similar. I know there are different opinions about 1st trimester or 2nd trimester losses, or even 3rd. I know that what she went through, being in the hospital for so long, having 2 1/2 months longer to bond with her baby, and then having to deliver it, this is so much worse than my experience. And it's not a competition of who had the worst loss or something terrible like that, but I really didn't expect to have her gloss over my miscarriage.
She kept repeating that she didn't have a miscarriage, that it was different, that she was tired of having to console other people who were sad about her baby (this is after I teared up while she told her story). I asked her about the sex of the baby, she said she didn't know, she didn't want to know, that the sex or seeing the baby or holding the baby after delivery would make it more real. I don't understand this, as I would give anything to know more about the baby I lost. I keep trying to tell myself that everyone's different, that I need to accept her feelings, not judge them, but I just don't understand.
She seems so strong, so able to just pick herself up and move on. She kept talking about how wonderful her life is, with or without a baby, and she'll be fine without one. They are trying again, and she's very confident it will work. She can be confident - it took her 2 months to get pregnant!!!
Maybe that's the difference between M and me. Infertility has changed me. Yes we both have gone through terrible things, but I have to go back to treatments, and continuing to wonder if it will work. I've been fighting this battle for 1 1/2 years, and I'm exhausted! I can't just pick myself up, I don't feel strong, instead I feel bitter and jealous of my friend who just lost her baby. Which then makes me feel worse.
Thanks for listening to me, as always. Sorry for the super long post, but I had to get it out. I have really missed blogging. It feels better just to have put my thoughts on paper, or rather the Internet...
Will be coming home on Sunday, can't wait to see what all of you have been up to! Talk to you next week!
I've eaten so much wonderful food, most of which seems is on the forbidden for pregnancy list. And that does not even include the many glasses of wine and beer, including the upcoming Oktoberfest weekend! And I've done a ton of walking, hiking, some of it quite strenuous. Would never have done that if I was 5 months pregnant as planned. But I have had a wonderful time being able to enjoy those things.
The real reason I'm taking some time out of my vacation to write a post, something I swore I wouldn't do, is I want to write about my conversation last night with my friend M. She lives in Basel, and 8 weeks ago she lost her baby when she was 4 1/2 months along. She started leaking amniotic fluid, checked into the hospital for bed rest, was monitored for over a week, hoping the hole in her sac would heal, but watched her fluid levels continue to decrease. Finally she had to make the heart wrenching decision to deliver the baby. I guess she could have continued the pregnancy, but the doctors guaranteed that the baby wouldn't properly develop, that it wouldn't be healthy, and it was likely that M would get an infection that would likely hurt her chances of future pregnancies. And so she chose to induce labor.
I spoke with her via text while she was in the hospital and the day before the delivery, after the decision, but I hadn't really talked to her about it since, at her request. But last night, after dinner, I pulled her aside from our men, and asked if we could talk about it.
She said she's doing fine now. She took a month off of work, and now she's back, and they're trying again for another child. She was showing quite a bit before she lost the baby, and they had done a huge announcement when she was 3 months along, so the worst part was telling everyone. Of course different people responded differently. Some of our mutual friends didn't respond at all-not a note, text, nothing. She was very disappointed in them, and doesn't know what to do about them. I told her about how some people don't know what to say, are very uncomfortable about pregnancy loss, but trying not to give excuses for these friends of ours.
It was a really good conversation, but I couldn't help having negative feelings. She barely asked about me, and I had told her I was pregnant earlier this summer, and I had told her about my miscarriage at 9 weeks. I don't think she views our losses as similar. I know there are different opinions about 1st trimester or 2nd trimester losses, or even 3rd. I know that what she went through, being in the hospital for so long, having 2 1/2 months longer to bond with her baby, and then having to deliver it, this is so much worse than my experience. And it's not a competition of who had the worst loss or something terrible like that, but I really didn't expect to have her gloss over my miscarriage.
She kept repeating that she didn't have a miscarriage, that it was different, that she was tired of having to console other people who were sad about her baby (this is after I teared up while she told her story). I asked her about the sex of the baby, she said she didn't know, she didn't want to know, that the sex or seeing the baby or holding the baby after delivery would make it more real. I don't understand this, as I would give anything to know more about the baby I lost. I keep trying to tell myself that everyone's different, that I need to accept her feelings, not judge them, but I just don't understand.
She seems so strong, so able to just pick herself up and move on. She kept talking about how wonderful her life is, with or without a baby, and she'll be fine without one. They are trying again, and she's very confident it will work. She can be confident - it took her 2 months to get pregnant!!!
Maybe that's the difference between M and me. Infertility has changed me. Yes we both have gone through terrible things, but I have to go back to treatments, and continuing to wonder if it will work. I've been fighting this battle for 1 1/2 years, and I'm exhausted! I can't just pick myself up, I don't feel strong, instead I feel bitter and jealous of my friend who just lost her baby. Which then makes me feel worse.
Thanks for listening to me, as always. Sorry for the super long post, but I had to get it out. I have really missed blogging. It feels better just to have put my thoughts on paper, or rather the Internet...
Will be coming home on Sunday, can't wait to see what all of you have been up to! Talk to you next week!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
100th Post – What I’ve Learned
This is my 100th post, and I can’t believe I’m here already. I never thought I would ever have a blog, especially one centered around fertility! I started this in February, after going through an ectopic pregnancy, and feeling so alone. I had been following some blogs (including some of you!!!) for awhile, starting around November, but I had never commented and never blogged. I didn’t want to get “sucked up” in that world. But then I started getting jealous of the support that people received – both in the good stuff and in the bad, and I realized the benefit of being a real part of this community. I realized that not only did I want to hear about what other people were doing in their fertility struggle, but I wanted to respond and let people know I was out here struggling! And I wanted to tell my story. Also, I was afraid of going through something like the ectopic again, without having additional support – more than I have in my real life. Little did I know how much support I was really going to need a few months later, in June when I lost another baby. So for my 100th post, I’d like to share a few things that I’ve learned since starting my blog:
I learned that the support you get from internet friends can be better than anything you have in real life. You ladies “get” me better than anyone in my life, and I love knowing that I’m not the only one to feel the way I do.
I’ve learned that when you’re down in the dumps, and don’t feel like picking up the phone to call IRL friends, you can go on your blog and write a few words, and it will feel better. It feels good to let the feelings out, and then even better, it feels good to get the comments back. They really are like hugs – when someone comments that they’re thinking of me, or just agrees that something sucks, it makes me feel so much better, or at least not alone. Feeling surrounded by love is the best feeling in the world.
I’ve learned that following pregnancy blogs, although sometimes can make me jealous, give me great hope. I like pregnant after IF people much better than the “oops chicks” that I know, and it gives me great comfort that if these ladies can do it, maybe there’s a chance for me too. Plus I assume that maybe someday I’ll get pregnant and it will stick, in which case I need some mentors – I plan on asking all kinds of advice someday, maybe…
I’ve learned that flooding someone who is going through a loss with comments is so important. On that awful day, I took 2 minutes and wrote the No Heartbeat post. I received so many comments on that one. I remember being in bed, not being able to stop crying, but my phone kept buzzing. I kept receiving emails of comments from people. Some from people that I knew through blogging, and some were complete strangers. Someone had posted my news on LFCA, and a few of my bloggy friends had posted my news on their own blogs. It was amazing the amount of support and love I felt through that day. I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through that day otherwise – thank you.
I’ve learned when the random errant commenter makes a not-so-nice comment, there’s nothing like a group of IFers to have your back. Wow, I knew I feel oh-so-protective about all of you, but to get the same fierce love back is amazing. Thank you ladies for always having my back.
I’ve learned that in blog-land, just as in real life, you get as much as you give. I make a conscious effort to pay attention, to read people’s blogs, and to comment and put out the love as much as possible. In return, I’ve developed some amazing friendships. I feel like the conversations we have, although they’re not like normal in-person ones with back and forth type dialogue, are amazing and really create friendships. Even if I haven't met any of you face-to-face, I consider you my friends, my support network, people that I need in my life.
I’ve learned that I don’t have to be a good writer to have a good blog. I’m terrible at grammar, I have to write my posts in Word first so there is a spell check, and I’ve always been terrible at creative writing. But here, I just spill out my thoughts, and I’ve discovered that it doesn’t really matter if I’m not the best writer. I will always be envious of those really good writers, the ones that can express their thoughts and feelings so beautifully, and I will never be that girl. I was intimidated by these writers when I started blogging, but I figured I would just let my thoughts fly. Hopefully you can tell that I’m open and honest, and just want to share what’s going on in my life and in my head.
Most of all, I’ve learned that my life is better for having this blog. I use this as a form of therapy, of support. I am lucky to have all of you in my life.
With that, I’m signing off for awhile. I leave tomorrow morning for Europe, and I’m not sure how much access I’ll have to my blog and to yours. I’ll miss you, my bloggy friends!
I learned that the support you get from internet friends can be better than anything you have in real life. You ladies “get” me better than anyone in my life, and I love knowing that I’m not the only one to feel the way I do.
I’ve learned that when you’re down in the dumps, and don’t feel like picking up the phone to call IRL friends, you can go on your blog and write a few words, and it will feel better. It feels good to let the feelings out, and then even better, it feels good to get the comments back. They really are like hugs – when someone comments that they’re thinking of me, or just agrees that something sucks, it makes me feel so much better, or at least not alone. Feeling surrounded by love is the best feeling in the world.
I’ve learned that following pregnancy blogs, although sometimes can make me jealous, give me great hope. I like pregnant after IF people much better than the “oops chicks” that I know, and it gives me great comfort that if these ladies can do it, maybe there’s a chance for me too. Plus I assume that maybe someday I’ll get pregnant and it will stick, in which case I need some mentors – I plan on asking all kinds of advice someday, maybe…
I’ve learned that flooding someone who is going through a loss with comments is so important. On that awful day, I took 2 minutes and wrote the No Heartbeat post. I received so many comments on that one. I remember being in bed, not being able to stop crying, but my phone kept buzzing. I kept receiving emails of comments from people. Some from people that I knew through blogging, and some were complete strangers. Someone had posted my news on LFCA, and a few of my bloggy friends had posted my news on their own blogs. It was amazing the amount of support and love I felt through that day. I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through that day otherwise – thank you.
I’ve learned when the random errant commenter makes a not-so-nice comment, there’s nothing like a group of IFers to have your back. Wow, I knew I feel oh-so-protective about all of you, but to get the same fierce love back is amazing. Thank you ladies for always having my back.
I’ve learned that in blog-land, just as in real life, you get as much as you give. I make a conscious effort to pay attention, to read people’s blogs, and to comment and put out the love as much as possible. In return, I’ve developed some amazing friendships. I feel like the conversations we have, although they’re not like normal in-person ones with back and forth type dialogue, are amazing and really create friendships. Even if I haven't met any of you face-to-face, I consider you my friends, my support network, people that I need in my life.
I’ve learned that I don’t have to be a good writer to have a good blog. I’m terrible at grammar, I have to write my posts in Word first so there is a spell check, and I’ve always been terrible at creative writing. But here, I just spill out my thoughts, and I’ve discovered that it doesn’t really matter if I’m not the best writer. I will always be envious of those really good writers, the ones that can express their thoughts and feelings so beautifully, and I will never be that girl. I was intimidated by these writers when I started blogging, but I figured I would just let my thoughts fly. Hopefully you can tell that I’m open and honest, and just want to share what’s going on in my life and in my head.
Most of all, I’ve learned that my life is better for having this blog. I use this as a form of therapy, of support. I am lucky to have all of you in my life.
With that, I’m signing off for awhile. I leave tomorrow morning for Europe, and I’m not sure how much access I’ll have to my blog and to yours. I’ll miss you, my bloggy friends!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Thanks!
Thank you to everyone for your nice comments. It’s so good to know that everyone out there has had these experiences with friends announcing pregnancies. Yes, I did beat myself up for being a bad friend, and for being jealous. But you have helped me realize that this is all normal. It’s normal to feel like it’s not fair – it isn’t. And I was open and honest with my friend about my feelings, so that is progress.
I spoke with my therapist about it last night – perfect time for a therapy session! She thought that when I was describing how I thought I was being a bad friend, that I sounded very young. She pictured a little girl apologizing to her mother about having feelings. And yes, I used to apologize to my mom (adoptive) about having feelings. She didn’t like it if I got upset. So my therapist thinks it’s very normal for me to cry in front of my friend, and not hide it. And she didn’t think I should have apologized for being a bad friend. Not really sure how I feel about it, but she’s right about being honest – I’m glad that I shared my feelings, and that my friend knows how I feel about her pregnancy. At least she really understands, as much as any fertile person can. My therapist told me I’m supposed to visualize the little girl that I used to be. Think about her apologizing to her adoptive mom for having feelings, think about her being in 18 foster homes prior to being adopted at 4 years old, think of her birth parents leaving her, and her birth family including the aunt and grandmother she lived with at some point leaving her, think of all those things and say nice things to that little girl. Say things like, “it wasn’t your fault” and “you’re very strong.” That little girl is me, and I have such a hard time reconciling this – it feels like a completely different person. I don’t remember any of that time, prior to about age 8 or 9. But she thinks that by visualizing that little girl, saying nice things to her, that I’ll be able to reconcile her with the adult me, or something like that. I still don’t understand most of this therapy stuff, now that we’re in the “deep stuff.”
Oh and by the way, my friend’s pregnancy has been confirmed. Based on my suggestion that when she’s four days late, the home pregnancy test can be VERY effective (why is a fertile taking advice from an infertile? Because we know so much more!!!), she tested. And it was positive. So she’s excited, I gave her a big hug this morning when she told me, and I actually felt very happy for her. Yes, I’m very excited for her. And like Leslie said, maybe I can be her prego buddy real soon…
I spoke with my therapist about it last night – perfect time for a therapy session! She thought that when I was describing how I thought I was being a bad friend, that I sounded very young. She pictured a little girl apologizing to her mother about having feelings. And yes, I used to apologize to my mom (adoptive) about having feelings. She didn’t like it if I got upset. So my therapist thinks it’s very normal for me to cry in front of my friend, and not hide it. And she didn’t think I should have apologized for being a bad friend. Not really sure how I feel about it, but she’s right about being honest – I’m glad that I shared my feelings, and that my friend knows how I feel about her pregnancy. At least she really understands, as much as any fertile person can. My therapist told me I’m supposed to visualize the little girl that I used to be. Think about her apologizing to her adoptive mom for having feelings, think about her being in 18 foster homes prior to being adopted at 4 years old, think of her birth parents leaving her, and her birth family including the aunt and grandmother she lived with at some point leaving her, think of all those things and say nice things to that little girl. Say things like, “it wasn’t your fault” and “you’re very strong.” That little girl is me, and I have such a hard time reconciling this – it feels like a completely different person. I don’t remember any of that time, prior to about age 8 or 9. But she thinks that by visualizing that little girl, saying nice things to her, that I’ll be able to reconcile her with the adult me, or something like that. I still don’t understand most of this therapy stuff, now that we’re in the “deep stuff.”
Oh and by the way, my friend’s pregnancy has been confirmed. Based on my suggestion that when she’s four days late, the home pregnancy test can be VERY effective (why is a fertile taking advice from an infertile? Because we know so much more!!!), she tested. And it was positive. So she’s excited, I gave her a big hug this morning when she told me, and I actually felt very happy for her. Yes, I’m very excited for her. And like Leslie said, maybe I can be her prego buddy real soon…
Monday, August 30, 2010
Meltdown at Work
Things were going so well. Was feeling so good. I’ve been so proud of myself for holding my jealousy in, not showing it to people, not letting it affect me too much. And then today…
I have a friend that I work with named A, and she’s been a really good friend to me. Still is. Two years ago she discovered she was pregnant. Although she and her boyfriend were planning on getting married at some point, getting pregnant changed things – complete accident. But they got married when she was 4 months along (we shopped for wedding dresses together), had the baby 5 months later, and they’re very happy. She’s been an amazing friend with the infertility thing – she knows everything that goes on, she covers for me at work, she’s been great. She’s the one who held my hand and cried with me at the doctor’s office when I went to get a second opinion when my RE had told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. She’s the one who went to the hospital with me to pre-register for the D&C, and she would have gone to the D&C if my hubs wasn’t able to go. She’s been so very good to me.
She’s been talking about when she was going to have her second baby for awhile. She’s adamant that she plans exactly when she has her next baby. I know, fertile people have the craziest ideas… I told her all about temping, and cervical fluid and such. She borrowed, and still has, my Taking Charge of Your Fertility book. I told her about the app I downloaded on my iphone to track my cycles, she downloaded the same one. She has perfect cycles – she’s never late, she always ovulates on the same time, and she’s been using temping and stuff to track when she has to use a condom to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant too early.
On Friday, she told me she was having IPS – imaginary pregnancy symptoms. I had told her once about them, how our minds can convince us we’re pregnant. She said on Friday that she was late – by one day. I asked her about her cycles and tracking and sex, and she said that one day this month she cut it a little close – she had unprotected sex one time three days before ovulation. I thought about her all weekend, willing her to get her period. I asked her this morning, point blank, if she got it yet. Of course, no she didn’t get her period.
I held it together, I let her talk about it. She hasn’t tested yet, she wants to wait until later this week. I assured her that by 4 days late (today) that a HPT would be pretty darn accurate. She said she’s in denial – she didn’t want to get pregnant this early, she wanted to wait a few more months. She said she doesn’t want to tell anyone until 12 weeks. She said she screwed up by telling me on Friday about her IPS – she didn’t want to tell me this early. At one point a few months ago, she and I talked about how she should tell me she was pregnant the next time. We didn’t really agree on anything, but when she was going to start trying, we were supposed to talk about how to be sensitive to me – she’s amazing. We never had that talk. I was fine today, until she said, “It’s ok, you can be mad at me.” I said, “I’m not mad, I’m just jealous.” And then I burst into tears, and asked her to please leave my office.
I tried to get it together, wiped away the tears, went to a short meeting. And then I sent an email to the hubs telling him that A was pregnant. I told him last night about the possibility. He responded, “sorry baby.” And then I officially lost it. Practically ran to the bathroom, and sobbed in a stall for about 30 minutes – haven’t done that in awhile. This just sucks so much! I don’t understand why some people can be so freaking fertile, and others struggle so much! It just isn’t fair. And the worst part about it is that infertility has made me a bad friend. She has been nothing but good to me, and she tells me about something wonderful, and I cry! How self-absorbed can I be?
After I got back in my office, I sent her an email (can’t trust myself to talk – will likely start crying): “Sorry for my bad reaction. I really am very happy for you. I’m sorry for making it about me. I’ll be better. This is very exciting!” And proving what an awesome person she is, she responded, “I understand… I’m sorry the conversation had to happen right then… I f’d things up on Friday… wasn’t thinking… Lol, you don’t have to be better! Thank you for apologizing, but you totally could have let this one slide. I understand 100%. Thank you for being a great friend.”
Which of course made me cry more. I keep tearing up – I’m at work, have so much to get done before my vacation, and I cannot get my shit together! This sucks, it just completely sucks.
I have a friend that I work with named A, and she’s been a really good friend to me. Still is. Two years ago she discovered she was pregnant. Although she and her boyfriend were planning on getting married at some point, getting pregnant changed things – complete accident. But they got married when she was 4 months along (we shopped for wedding dresses together), had the baby 5 months later, and they’re very happy. She’s been an amazing friend with the infertility thing – she knows everything that goes on, she covers for me at work, she’s been great. She’s the one who held my hand and cried with me at the doctor’s office when I went to get a second opinion when my RE had told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. She’s the one who went to the hospital with me to pre-register for the D&C, and she would have gone to the D&C if my hubs wasn’t able to go. She’s been so very good to me.
She’s been talking about when she was going to have her second baby for awhile. She’s adamant that she plans exactly when she has her next baby. I know, fertile people have the craziest ideas… I told her all about temping, and cervical fluid and such. She borrowed, and still has, my Taking Charge of Your Fertility book. I told her about the app I downloaded on my iphone to track my cycles, she downloaded the same one. She has perfect cycles – she’s never late, she always ovulates on the same time, and she’s been using temping and stuff to track when she has to use a condom to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant too early.
On Friday, she told me she was having IPS – imaginary pregnancy symptoms. I had told her once about them, how our minds can convince us we’re pregnant. She said on Friday that she was late – by one day. I asked her about her cycles and tracking and sex, and she said that one day this month she cut it a little close – she had unprotected sex one time three days before ovulation. I thought about her all weekend, willing her to get her period. I asked her this morning, point blank, if she got it yet. Of course, no she didn’t get her period.
I held it together, I let her talk about it. She hasn’t tested yet, she wants to wait until later this week. I assured her that by 4 days late (today) that a HPT would be pretty darn accurate. She said she’s in denial – she didn’t want to get pregnant this early, she wanted to wait a few more months. She said she doesn’t want to tell anyone until 12 weeks. She said she screwed up by telling me on Friday about her IPS – she didn’t want to tell me this early. At one point a few months ago, she and I talked about how she should tell me she was pregnant the next time. We didn’t really agree on anything, but when she was going to start trying, we were supposed to talk about how to be sensitive to me – she’s amazing. We never had that talk. I was fine today, until she said, “It’s ok, you can be mad at me.” I said, “I’m not mad, I’m just jealous.” And then I burst into tears, and asked her to please leave my office.
I tried to get it together, wiped away the tears, went to a short meeting. And then I sent an email to the hubs telling him that A was pregnant. I told him last night about the possibility. He responded, “sorry baby.” And then I officially lost it. Practically ran to the bathroom, and sobbed in a stall for about 30 minutes – haven’t done that in awhile. This just sucks so much! I don’t understand why some people can be so freaking fertile, and others struggle so much! It just isn’t fair. And the worst part about it is that infertility has made me a bad friend. She has been nothing but good to me, and she tells me about something wonderful, and I cry! How self-absorbed can I be?
After I got back in my office, I sent her an email (can’t trust myself to talk – will likely start crying): “Sorry for my bad reaction. I really am very happy for you. I’m sorry for making it about me. I’ll be better. This is very exciting!” And proving what an awesome person she is, she responded, “I understand… I’m sorry the conversation had to happen right then… I f’d things up on Friday… wasn’t thinking… Lol, you don’t have to be better! Thank you for apologizing, but you totally could have let this one slide. I understand 100%. Thank you for being a great friend.”
Which of course made me cry more. I keep tearing up – I’m at work, have so much to get done before my vacation, and I cannot get my shit together! This sucks, it just completely sucks.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Getting Ready to Go!!
Oh, it's been a whirlwind of a few days. Vacation is finally almost here - we leave on Thursday! Here's where we're going: Rome, Venice, Cinque Terre, Zermatt, Basel, and end in Munich. We'll be with friends most of the trip, and I think it will be a wonderful time! But I have to ask, are there any "must see" places in any of those cities?
I've been so busy with work lately. The absolute worst thing about vacation is before and after - getting everything done prior to leaving, and catching up when returning. When you have to work late every night the week before leaving, and work on both days in the weekend prior to leaving, is it really a vacation???
It's been nice to be so busy though. I have had very little thoughts about the TTC heartache. I'm excited to come back from Europe, and start the new TTC plan at the end of September. Finally, it will be here again. For the first time, I'm not nervous at all about the IUI process. The shots? No big deal. I remember the last IUI giving myself shots, I would have to have the hubs with me, and I'd get all nervous about giving them to myself. It will be interesting to see how I feel when I actually do the shots, but I can't see myself feeling the same way again. Nothing in the IUI process compares to the pain of the miscarriage. I'm not nervous about the shots this time, I'm nervous about a positive pregnancy test. Because then the fear begins.
Have to run, I told myself that if I got up early this morning and worked real hard, I could go get a pedicure. So I'm off for some pampering!!!
I've been so busy with work lately. The absolute worst thing about vacation is before and after - getting everything done prior to leaving, and catching up when returning. When you have to work late every night the week before leaving, and work on both days in the weekend prior to leaving, is it really a vacation???
It's been nice to be so busy though. I have had very little thoughts about the TTC heartache. I'm excited to come back from Europe, and start the new TTC plan at the end of September. Finally, it will be here again. For the first time, I'm not nervous at all about the IUI process. The shots? No big deal. I remember the last IUI giving myself shots, I would have to have the hubs with me, and I'd get all nervous about giving them to myself. It will be interesting to see how I feel when I actually do the shots, but I can't see myself feeling the same way again. Nothing in the IUI process compares to the pain of the miscarriage. I'm not nervous about the shots this time, I'm nervous about a positive pregnancy test. Because then the fear begins.
Have to run, I told myself that if I got up early this morning and worked real hard, I could go get a pedicure. So I'm off for some pampering!!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
RE Recap
I had my appointment with the RE yesterday to discuss the results of the testing we did, my MTHFR diagnosis, and the current plan. It went great. I feel a bit like a drug-seeker might after a successful doctor’s appointment…
We talked about the compound heterozygous MTHFR thing. If I was homozygous, he would definitely recommend Lovenox. Given that I’m compound heterozygous, it’s up to me. Even if I was just heterozygous for the C677T mutation, it would still be up to me. So, I’m choosing to take Lovenox – will start taking that at the beginning of my IUI cycle, and continue, assuming I get pregnant, until 6 weeks after birth. He said a lot of patients quit taking Lovenox after 12 weeks, but there’s some risk to stopping, so I’ll plan on doing it until after delivery. He said a lot of OB’s are nervous about having their patients on blood thinners – legal issues like if I got in a car accident and didn’t get fast medical assistance, I could bleed out. But he said he’s worked with my OB before, and the OB is usually fine with patients on Lovenox. Also, I will be on Medrol for 5 days around implantation. This helps to suppress my immune system a bit so my body doesn’t reject the embryo. Add these two meds to baby aspirin and Folgard, plus the Gonal F, Ganirelix, Ovidrel trigger, and some progesterone suppositories that I had in the last cycle, and we got ourselves a whole basket of meds – all to help me have a baby. Basically we’re throwing everything we can at this, short of doing IVF.
The whole appointment went well. I felt so empowered with my research, with the knowledge I’ve obtained during this whole process. I was able to have an intelligent conversation with the doc, and there wasn’t anything he said that I didn’t understand. The hubs just sat there, listening to us, and afterwards he said he was impressed with how much I knew. The doc and I talked about different theories, different approaches to fertility. He said there are 6 doctors in his practice, he’s the head doc, and every doctor has his own theories, his own ideas. There’s one doctor in his practice that doesn’t believe at all in anything immunology related. That doc calls it “hocus pocus.” My doc was very clear that with the immunology stuff, there isn’t a lot of “scientific proof” that immunology problems are the cause, and that the solutions really work. As with everything pregnancy related, it’s very hard to have widespread clinical trials to really gain proof. We talked about Dr. Alan Beer – my doc actually studied with him while my doc was a student! So he believes in a lot that Dr. Beer did, and with the immunological approach. He doesn’t necessarily promote it, because of the lack of proof thing, but when he has patients like me that are ready and willing to “push the envelope” as he called it, he’s more than happy to oblige, and he’s not going to fight me, or encourage me to be less aggressive. He said, “You’ve gone through so much to get here, why not try everything you can?” I wanted to hug him.
This new approach gives me a lot of hope. With a diagnosis, we can fight this. I’m happy that we’re being as aggressive as possible without IVF. I really don’t think IVF will help us – I’ve gotten pregnant twice in as many IUI’s. The ectopic was a fluke, I think. And the miscarriage… I know I don’t have a lot of history to necessarily justify all this medication, but I have always felt in my gut that there was a problem. I’ve been so frustrated with the “unexplained infertility” diagnosis. Now, I feel like we’ve identified something wrong, we’re being aggressive in fixing it, we’re going to do another IUI as that seems to work, and for the first time since the miscarriage, I feel real hope that I might just get that baby. Not just get pregnant, that’s not good enough. Someday, I may have a real live healthy baby at home.
We talked about the compound heterozygous MTHFR thing. If I was homozygous, he would definitely recommend Lovenox. Given that I’m compound heterozygous, it’s up to me. Even if I was just heterozygous for the C677T mutation, it would still be up to me. So, I’m choosing to take Lovenox – will start taking that at the beginning of my IUI cycle, and continue, assuming I get pregnant, until 6 weeks after birth. He said a lot of patients quit taking Lovenox after 12 weeks, but there’s some risk to stopping, so I’ll plan on doing it until after delivery. He said a lot of OB’s are nervous about having their patients on blood thinners – legal issues like if I got in a car accident and didn’t get fast medical assistance, I could bleed out. But he said he’s worked with my OB before, and the OB is usually fine with patients on Lovenox. Also, I will be on Medrol for 5 days around implantation. This helps to suppress my immune system a bit so my body doesn’t reject the embryo. Add these two meds to baby aspirin and Folgard, plus the Gonal F, Ganirelix, Ovidrel trigger, and some progesterone suppositories that I had in the last cycle, and we got ourselves a whole basket of meds – all to help me have a baby. Basically we’re throwing everything we can at this, short of doing IVF.
The whole appointment went well. I felt so empowered with my research, with the knowledge I’ve obtained during this whole process. I was able to have an intelligent conversation with the doc, and there wasn’t anything he said that I didn’t understand. The hubs just sat there, listening to us, and afterwards he said he was impressed with how much I knew. The doc and I talked about different theories, different approaches to fertility. He said there are 6 doctors in his practice, he’s the head doc, and every doctor has his own theories, his own ideas. There’s one doctor in his practice that doesn’t believe at all in anything immunology related. That doc calls it “hocus pocus.” My doc was very clear that with the immunology stuff, there isn’t a lot of “scientific proof” that immunology problems are the cause, and that the solutions really work. As with everything pregnancy related, it’s very hard to have widespread clinical trials to really gain proof. We talked about Dr. Alan Beer – my doc actually studied with him while my doc was a student! So he believes in a lot that Dr. Beer did, and with the immunological approach. He doesn’t necessarily promote it, because of the lack of proof thing, but when he has patients like me that are ready and willing to “push the envelope” as he called it, he’s more than happy to oblige, and he’s not going to fight me, or encourage me to be less aggressive. He said, “You’ve gone through so much to get here, why not try everything you can?” I wanted to hug him.
This new approach gives me a lot of hope. With a diagnosis, we can fight this. I’m happy that we’re being as aggressive as possible without IVF. I really don’t think IVF will help us – I’ve gotten pregnant twice in as many IUI’s. The ectopic was a fluke, I think. And the miscarriage… I know I don’t have a lot of history to necessarily justify all this medication, but I have always felt in my gut that there was a problem. I’ve been so frustrated with the “unexplained infertility” diagnosis. Now, I feel like we’ve identified something wrong, we’re being aggressive in fixing it, we’re going to do another IUI as that seems to work, and for the first time since the miscarriage, I feel real hope that I might just get that baby. Not just get pregnant, that’s not good enough. Someday, I may have a real live healthy baby at home.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Welcome, ICLW!
Welcome to my wonderful amazing group of readers that provide me with such amazing support, and welcome to any newcomers stopping by my blog!
The short TTC story: Been trying for 1 1/2 years, went to an RE in November, infertility was unexplained, did an IUI with injections in January, got pregnant, it was ectopic, did another IUI with injections in April, got pregnant, everything looked great, there were no warning signs until the ultrasound in June when there was no heartbeat, even though we had seen one a week earlier. Recently did a bunch of testing, found out I'm compound heterozygous for MTHFR mutations, started Folgard 2.2 twice per day and a baby aspirin, we have an appointment on Monday (finally!) to go over everything with the RE, we're leaving for vacation in Europe on 9/2, come back 9/19, and will likely start another IUI with injections when we return. I haven't done ICLW in a few months, but I'm excited to get back out there and meet some people.
In other news, it is going to be a really sad day today. We've had a foster puppy for awhile - almost two months. With the trip coming up, and it taking longer to get her adopted than we thought, we've decided that it's time for her to go to a new foster home. I feel so incredibly guilty about this, and it's going to be so hard to say goodbye to her today. I know it's the right thing to do for our home, for our dogs, for my husband, but I feel so bad. Goodbye, little Ashley, I've really enjoyed having you at our home. I hope you find a very good permanent home very soon!!!
The short TTC story: Been trying for 1 1/2 years, went to an RE in November, infertility was unexplained, did an IUI with injections in January, got pregnant, it was ectopic, did another IUI with injections in April, got pregnant, everything looked great, there were no warning signs until the ultrasound in June when there was no heartbeat, even though we had seen one a week earlier. Recently did a bunch of testing, found out I'm compound heterozygous for MTHFR mutations, started Folgard 2.2 twice per day and a baby aspirin, we have an appointment on Monday (finally!) to go over everything with the RE, we're leaving for vacation in Europe on 9/2, come back 9/19, and will likely start another IUI with injections when we return. I haven't done ICLW in a few months, but I'm excited to get back out there and meet some people.
In other news, it is going to be a really sad day today. We've had a foster puppy for awhile - almost two months. With the trip coming up, and it taking longer to get her adopted than we thought, we've decided that it's time for her to go to a new foster home. I feel so incredibly guilty about this, and it's going to be so hard to say goodbye to her today. I know it's the right thing to do for our home, for our dogs, for my husband, but I feel so bad. Goodbye, little Ashley, I've really enjoyed having you at our home. I hope you find a very good permanent home very soon!!!
Friday, August 20, 2010
I Have Control!
Thank you all for your kind words about my crappy IF day. I love that you ladies will commiserate with me, and all of you understand why these kinds of evenings upset me so much. I feel so very lucky and honored to have all of you as my friends. You definitely made me feel better!
So guess what – I’ve taken the information you gave me that progesterone will hold off AF, and I reviewed my calendar, and I’m taking control of my body! If I let my cycle go completely natural, and everything works perfectly, I’ll be at CD3 the day after I return from Europe, and boy that’s cutting it close to start an IUI with injections cycle right away. So with the help of my $3 dollars each little friends that go up my coochie, I’m taking control of my body and I’m going to give myself a couple days cushion by delaying AF for a few days! I feel like I did when I figured out in my early 20’s I could control my cycle and skip a period by not taking the placebo pills and going straight to another pack of BCP’s… Oh what power I have over my body!
So rare to have any kind of control during the IF process, I’m taking whatever control I can get!
So guess what – I’ve taken the information you gave me that progesterone will hold off AF, and I reviewed my calendar, and I’m taking control of my body! If I let my cycle go completely natural, and everything works perfectly, I’ll be at CD3 the day after I return from Europe, and boy that’s cutting it close to start an IUI with injections cycle right away. So with the help of my $3 dollars each little friends that go up my coochie, I’m taking control of my body and I’m going to give myself a couple days cushion by delaying AF for a few days! I feel like I did when I figured out in my early 20’s I could control my cycle and skip a period by not taking the placebo pills and going straight to another pack of BCP’s… Oh what power I have over my body!
So rare to have any kind of control during the IF process, I’m taking whatever control I can get!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Having a Bad IF Day
You know when you have those crappy IF days – when the weight on your shoulders feels heavier than normal? That is today. I’ve been good, been excited about having a new plan, but today does not feel good.
It probably doesn’t help that AF will show soon. My temps, after falling earlier this week, then went back up. I’m currently 13 DPO, and I did something stupid this morning – I POAS, and of course it was negative. I realized today that since I’ve been doing the progesterone suppositories, I think it jacks up my temps. Also, I’ve never taken progesterone without getting pregnant – it will postpone AF, right? Do I need to stop taking it in order for AF to show?
So I’m sad about this cycle not working. I didn’t have a lot of hope, and earlier this week I started expecting it not to work out, given my wacky temps, but I still had that glimmer of hope. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, it could have worked. And it didn’t.
It also didn’t help that last night I had one of the worst social events for my IF that I’ve had. My friend R had her 40th birthday, and a few of us met for drinks and dinner. My hubs couldn’t go because he didn’t feel well, and so I went by myself. Everyone there had kids, and they kept bitching the entire night about how awful it is, how glad one guy was who had a vasectomy, how much they wished they didn’t have their children. I didn’t know most of the people, and person after person kept asking me if I have kids. NO, I DON’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN!!! BUT IT’S NOT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT THEM, IT’S BECAUSE I CAN’T!!! No, I didn’t yell it, but I really wanted to. At one point, it was R and one of her friends and me, and she knows about what we’ve been through. So R, in her drunk little state, started telling her friend that I want kids and I’ve had “struggles”. Her friend just looked at me in pity, asked me how old I was, I said 35, and she called me young – I have plenty of time. Ugh. It took all I had to not say anything. I just looked at her and told her I’d go get her another drink. I don’t want to be pitied, especially by some stranger bitch that has been talking all night about how awful her three kids are. It was an awful night, one of those that you just struggle to get through, telling yourself to just fake it, just act ok, you can cry in the car on the way home, just not now.
It probably doesn’t help that AF will show soon. My temps, after falling earlier this week, then went back up. I’m currently 13 DPO, and I did something stupid this morning – I POAS, and of course it was negative. I realized today that since I’ve been doing the progesterone suppositories, I think it jacks up my temps. Also, I’ve never taken progesterone without getting pregnant – it will postpone AF, right? Do I need to stop taking it in order for AF to show?
So I’m sad about this cycle not working. I didn’t have a lot of hope, and earlier this week I started expecting it not to work out, given my wacky temps, but I still had that glimmer of hope. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, it could have worked. And it didn’t.
It also didn’t help that last night I had one of the worst social events for my IF that I’ve had. My friend R had her 40th birthday, and a few of us met for drinks and dinner. My hubs couldn’t go because he didn’t feel well, and so I went by myself. Everyone there had kids, and they kept bitching the entire night about how awful it is, how glad one guy was who had a vasectomy, how much they wished they didn’t have their children. I didn’t know most of the people, and person after person kept asking me if I have kids. NO, I DON’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN!!! BUT IT’S NOT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT THEM, IT’S BECAUSE I CAN’T!!! No, I didn’t yell it, but I really wanted to. At one point, it was R and one of her friends and me, and she knows about what we’ve been through. So R, in her drunk little state, started telling her friend that I want kids and I’ve had “struggles”. Her friend just looked at me in pity, asked me how old I was, I said 35, and she called me young – I have plenty of time. Ugh. It took all I had to not say anything. I just looked at her and told her I’d go get her another drink. I don’t want to be pitied, especially by some stranger bitch that has been talking all night about how awful her three kids are. It was an awful night, one of those that you just struggle to get through, telling yourself to just fake it, just act ok, you can cry in the car on the way home, just not now.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Freak-out Over
First, I need to apologize for my freak-out last week. I tend to do this – take something that I find, or the hubs finds, and have it escalate into something else… He and I have tabled our conversation about the MTHFR and Down Syndrome thing for a bit – or at least until we meet with our RE next Monday – one more week to go! But I’ll share some of the research that I’ve found. The risk of having a DS child for a 35 year old is 1 in 400, according to this NIH webpage. Here is the link to the study that was the first to make a link between those with MTHFR mutations and DS. No, it did not test for folic acid supplementation above 400 – I’m taking 5,200 now, and whether it can help with decreasing DS for those with the MTHFR mutation, and there’s been evidence that increased folic acid will help with neural tube defects, and some people think it can help prevent DS as well. Without any high amounts of supplementation, according to this study, which has been affirmed by a couple others, the odds ratio, or increased risk of DS for a heterozygous C677T mutation is 2.5, or it’s 2.5 times as likely for a person with heterozygous C677T mutation to have a DS baby. For homozygous, it’s 3.2 according to this study. And combined, 2.6. It didn’t look at the A1298C type mutation. So based on this, I have at least a 2.5 times more chance of having a DS baby, or 1 in 160. I’m good with these odds – not sure about the hubs. As suggested by a few ladies, I will suggest that we go to a geneticist to talk about the odds. First though we’ll talk to our regular RE, and talk about the plan to reduce our chances of a miscarriage – one week from today. Also, we’ll lay out the plan for next step treatments, which will likely be another round of IUI’s with injections.
And yes, I also think of Mother F*cker every time I read it/say it/whatever. In conversation, that’s how we discuss it – it’s a Mother F*cker!!!
Also, I really like the suggestion of doing all the testing once I get pregnant. Not sure if this will just be the NT scan, or if we'll also do CSV testing - that's a bit more instrusive, and creates a risk of miscarriage, so I don't know if I would want to do that, but we should discuss it. I know I wouldn’t do anything about the pregnancy (terminate) if there was a problem, but it’s likely that there isn’t a problem. And so I’d like to be able to give the hubs some peace of mind for most of the pregnancy.
So the plan is to try to get more information from the RE and a geneticist, and then start treatments in late September when we return from our vacation in Europe. My temps dropped today, so it doesn’t look good for this cycle – I don’t know what I was doing, hoping like I was. But at least I’ll get to drink all the wine I want in Italy! Oh, how I was wishing there would be no wine…
And yes, I also think of Mother F*cker every time I read it/say it/whatever. In conversation, that’s how we discuss it – it’s a Mother F*cker!!!
Also, I really like the suggestion of doing all the testing once I get pregnant. Not sure if this will just be the NT scan, or if we'll also do CSV testing - that's a bit more instrusive, and creates a risk of miscarriage, so I don't know if I would want to do that, but we should discuss it. I know I wouldn’t do anything about the pregnancy (terminate) if there was a problem, but it’s likely that there isn’t a problem. And so I’d like to be able to give the hubs some peace of mind for most of the pregnancy.
So the plan is to try to get more information from the RE and a geneticist, and then start treatments in late September when we return from our vacation in Europe. My temps dropped today, so it doesn’t look good for this cycle – I don’t know what I was doing, hoping like I was. But at least I’ll get to drink all the wine I want in Italy! Oh, how I was wishing there would be no wine…
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Information - Not Necessarily Good
There’s so much information out there about this MTHFR thing. I think I’m officially compound heterozygous - I have one copy of each type of mutations. I got the lab report: “This patient’s sample was analyzed for the MTHFR mutations C677T and A1298C. One copy of the C677T mutation and one copy of the A1298C mutation were identified. Population data suggest these two mutations are not present on the same chromosome, although rare exceptions have been reported. The diagnosis of hyperhomocysteinemia can not rely on DNA testing alone but should take into consideration clinical findings and other studies, such as serum homocysteine levels [which were normal]. Because MTHFR mutations and their associated risks are inherited, genetic counseling and testing of at-risk family members should be considered.”
For the past two days, the hubs and I have been googling like mad. As all of us IF’ers know, there’s both good and bad about this great world wide web. At the beginning of our research, I focused on the fact that it’s fixable – I can take a bunch of folic acid, an aspirin, maybe blood thinners, and we’ll be fine. It will decrease my chance of miscarriage. I felt relieved, happy, and dare I say hopeful. But the hubs found a completely different part of MTHFR. In a few studies, there is evidence of a link between the MTHFR mutation and increased likelihood of Down’s Syndrome. This makes my hubs a very concerned man.
It has come up once before – the hubs fear of Down’s. But we really didn’t talk about it because there really wasn’t anything to talk about – it was too late to really do anything about it. I was pregnant, and the doc had asked if I was going to do an NT scan at 12 weeks – I wasn’t sure, wanted to talk to the hubs about it. I was leaning towards not doing one at all, because it didn’t matter what the results were, I wasn’t going to terminate the pregnancy. I told him this, and then asked his opinion. He said it didn’t matter, because I had already made up my mind. He acted a little pissy about it, and I knew – he would terminate if it was up to him if the baby had Down’s or something like that. But I didn’t want to talk to him about it – just didn’t want to get into it about something like this. It’s not like I was going to change his mind, and frankly I didn’t want to know how he felt about our baby if by chance it did have Down’s or something. Didn't really matter though - I miscarried about a week later.
Down’s doesn’t scare me – if our baby had it, it wouldn’t bother me, it would be just something that we now have to deal with. But I think the hubs is not ok with it. He told me last night “I don’t think I could handle it right now.” So when he found the research that there might be a link to a higher prevalence of Down’s, he freaked. He wants to talk to the doc, he wants to talk to experts in the field. I think he would like to talk to the people who ran these studies! But he definitely wants to wait to do an IUI or anything until he feels comfortable about our odds of having a Down’s baby.
I talked to a genetics counselor on the phone today – she hadn’t heard of a link between MTHFR and Down’s. Who the heck do I talk to now? We have our appointment with our RE on 8/23, but I’d like to set up an appointment with someone else as well – an “expert” in this stuff. Must do more research…
Neither of us mentioned in our conversation that I might already be pregnant… Yeah right, can’t believe I just said that. The likelihood is so small, given my history. Oh, but there’s also a study which states that MTHFR is linked to very early pregnancy losses – before they can be registered on a HPT test, so this can be an explanation for many cases of unexplained infertility. Maybe that’s been my problem – how quickly does taking the additional folic acid take effect? (FYI, they prescribed Folgard 2.2 – take twice per day) Anyway, there’s a lot of information out there, and I don’t know if we’re helping or hurting ourselves. The hubs is completely on this Down’s kick now, and I think he’s worked himself up into a bad place – how do I make him feel more comfortable? Perhaps IVF with PGD? In case anyone wants to read about this stuff, I found this article on how to prevent Downs. Feeling overwhelmed…
BTW, the 1 week wait commences today…
For the past two days, the hubs and I have been googling like mad. As all of us IF’ers know, there’s both good and bad about this great world wide web. At the beginning of our research, I focused on the fact that it’s fixable – I can take a bunch of folic acid, an aspirin, maybe blood thinners, and we’ll be fine. It will decrease my chance of miscarriage. I felt relieved, happy, and dare I say hopeful. But the hubs found a completely different part of MTHFR. In a few studies, there is evidence of a link between the MTHFR mutation and increased likelihood of Down’s Syndrome. This makes my hubs a very concerned man.
It has come up once before – the hubs fear of Down’s. But we really didn’t talk about it because there really wasn’t anything to talk about – it was too late to really do anything about it. I was pregnant, and the doc had asked if I was going to do an NT scan at 12 weeks – I wasn’t sure, wanted to talk to the hubs about it. I was leaning towards not doing one at all, because it didn’t matter what the results were, I wasn’t going to terminate the pregnancy. I told him this, and then asked his opinion. He said it didn’t matter, because I had already made up my mind. He acted a little pissy about it, and I knew – he would terminate if it was up to him if the baby had Down’s or something like that. But I didn’t want to talk to him about it – just didn’t want to get into it about something like this. It’s not like I was going to change his mind, and frankly I didn’t want to know how he felt about our baby if by chance it did have Down’s or something. Didn't really matter though - I miscarried about a week later.
Down’s doesn’t scare me – if our baby had it, it wouldn’t bother me, it would be just something that we now have to deal with. But I think the hubs is not ok with it. He told me last night “I don’t think I could handle it right now.” So when he found the research that there might be a link to a higher prevalence of Down’s, he freaked. He wants to talk to the doc, he wants to talk to experts in the field. I think he would like to talk to the people who ran these studies! But he definitely wants to wait to do an IUI or anything until he feels comfortable about our odds of having a Down’s baby.
I talked to a genetics counselor on the phone today – she hadn’t heard of a link between MTHFR and Down’s. Who the heck do I talk to now? We have our appointment with our RE on 8/23, but I’d like to set up an appointment with someone else as well – an “expert” in this stuff. Must do more research…
Neither of us mentioned in our conversation that I might already be pregnant… Yeah right, can’t believe I just said that. The likelihood is so small, given my history. Oh, but there’s also a study which states that MTHFR is linked to very early pregnancy losses – before they can be registered on a HPT test, so this can be an explanation for many cases of unexplained infertility. Maybe that’s been my problem – how quickly does taking the additional folic acid take effect? (FYI, they prescribed Folgard 2.2 – take twice per day) Anyway, there’s a lot of information out there, and I don’t know if we’re helping or hurting ourselves. The hubs is completely on this Down’s kick now, and I think he’s worked himself up into a bad place – how do I make him feel more comfortable? Perhaps IVF with PGD? In case anyone wants to read about this stuff, I found this article on how to prevent Downs. Feeling overwhelmed…
BTW, the 1 week wait commences today…
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Babysitting
First, thanks for everyone’s comments about my new MTHFR diagnosis. You chicas are super helpful!!! I’m trying to figure out if I’m heterozygous or homozygous. I definitely have both types of mutations: C788T and A1298C. So I think that makes me compound heterozygous unless either of them are homozygous? Not sure – waiting for a call back. And, my homocysteine levels were checked – it’s 5.9. I saw something stating a range of 4-17 or so is normal, and the nurse didn’t mention anything else, so I think my levels are fine. ALTHOUGH – I didn’t fast before the bloodwork. But eating would make it higher, right? Will ask the doc about this. Also my prothrombin time is 10.2 seconds, meaning this is how long it takes for my blood to clot. Everything I saw online said that ranges of 11 or 12-14 seconds are normal, so I expected them to say that I clot too fast, and should be on blood thinners or something, but the nurse said they consider 8.7-11.5 seconds normal. Weird. I’m definitely going to ask the doc about Lovenox.
I babysat my friend’s baby last night. Originally I was supposed to help unpack and watch the baby some, but my friend wanted to go back to her old house and clean, so she asked me to stay alone with her 15 month old alone for a couple hours last night. And it went fine – she’s such an incredibly easy child. But there was a moment, when I was giving her a bath. After I had washed her, she was playing with her toys in the water. And I would do something with her toys, like make splashes. She would reach for the toys and copy exactly what I was doing – it was adorable! And after every move, she would look up at my face and smile. I looked into her eyes, and saw her face was a perfect reflection of both her parents. I could so easily see part of her mom and part of her dad in her face. And then I started to cry. I wonder what a baby would look like with part of me and part of the hubs. I hope I get to see that baby one day.
I quickly wiped my tears away, and she never noticed. I’m glad her mom wasn’t around as I didn’t want to explain myself to her. It was a very nice evening, until I went home. The hubs is out of town, so I went home to the big empty house – the one that is supposed to have kids in it. It was nice hanging out with a baby – it’s been awhile since I have. We’ve been so focused on the process of getting and staying pregnant for so long, I think I forgot what we’re working towards. At the end of all this, the medical tests, the treatments, the heartache, there’s going to be a baby - maybe.
I babysat my friend’s baby last night. Originally I was supposed to help unpack and watch the baby some, but my friend wanted to go back to her old house and clean, so she asked me to stay alone with her 15 month old alone for a couple hours last night. And it went fine – she’s such an incredibly easy child. But there was a moment, when I was giving her a bath. After I had washed her, she was playing with her toys in the water. And I would do something with her toys, like make splashes. She would reach for the toys and copy exactly what I was doing – it was adorable! And after every move, she would look up at my face and smile. I looked into her eyes, and saw her face was a perfect reflection of both her parents. I could so easily see part of her mom and part of her dad in her face. And then I started to cry. I wonder what a baby would look like with part of me and part of the hubs. I hope I get to see that baby one day.
I quickly wiped my tears away, and she never noticed. I’m glad her mom wasn’t around as I didn’t want to explain myself to her. It was a very nice evening, until I went home. The hubs is out of town, so I went home to the big empty house – the one that is supposed to have kids in it. It was nice hanging out with a baby – it’s been awhile since I have. We’ve been so focused on the process of getting and staying pregnant for so long, I think I forgot what we’re working towards. At the end of all this, the medical tests, the treatments, the heartache, there’s going to be a baby - maybe.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
There’s something wrong with me!!!
We actually have a diagnosis! Just got off the phone with the clinic, and although I don’t have an appointment for another two weeks with the doctor, the nurse called me to let me know the results of the tests. Although all of the tests aren’t in yet, they wanted to let me know that I have two mutations of the MTHFR gene – I think this means I’m homozygous. I’m not completely sure what all this means, but they want me on a high level of folic acid – prescription strength – in addition to baby aspirin and my regular prenatal vitamins. I’ve been taking the aspirin since the beginning of this cycle, just in case, but now I’m going to add the folic acid, as soon as my pharmacy gets it – they didn’t have any in stock, so they’ll get it tomorrow. I told the nurse that we’ve been trying naturally, and she seemed a little concerned, adding that I should start taking the additional folic acid right away. Scary. Has anyone out there had this problem, or know somebody that has? I seem to remember a couple people mentioning it – need to start doing some research…
I’m a little nervous about what I’ll find, but honestly, I’m happy there’s something wrong – and it sounds like it’s treatable. Finally – something wrong!!!
I’m a little nervous about what I’ll find, but honestly, I’m happy there’s something wrong – and it sounds like it’s treatable. Finally – something wrong!!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Random Thoughts
I’m home alone for a few days with my thoughts. The hubs went out of town for work, and I’m left to think about stuff myself – always a bad idea! No, it’s actually not that bad. I’m taking the opportunity to get a lot of stuff organized and cleaned at home. I have a bunch of things I’d like to accomplish in the next three days – wish me luck!
I just got a bunch of results back from the doctor for our miscarriage and immunology panel. Well, kind of. My doctor has a patient portal that I can log in and get results from all the tests, and it stores them. Which I love, but now let the google-fest commence! Basically it has a ton of numbers from all these blood tests I took a couple weeks ago, but no interpretation of the numbers. And the other thing that’s annoying is nobody from the office called me to let me know that the results were out there! Although now that I think about it, it may be because not all the results are in yet. I need to go through it and check everything off. And some of it doesn’t have number results, it just says “Comments:” and there are no comments! I think the doc is supposed to fill stuff in. Yes, I know, I need to talk to the doctor. So I just made an appointment to go over the results with him – earliest appointment available is two weeks away! In the meantime, I will be researching away…
Tomorrow night I’m going over to a friend’s house to help her unpack after her move. I want to see her new house, and offered to help unpack for a few hours tomorrow. And then she told me that what would help the most is to come over and watch her child while she unpacked… Ugh. I haven’t seen this little girl in probably 6 months. She’s about 15 months old. I remember going to the hospital when she was born, holding her precious little body in my arms, and whispering to her my wish to have a baby. Somehow I thought she could grant me my wish. Now she can talk. We hung out quite a bit for the first few months of her life. I was even on the short list for babysitting. And then I started to pull back. Her mom’s pretty perceptive – we never really talked about it, but she stopped asking me to come over and see her baby. I remember the week before the miscarriage, her mom said, “You should come over and play with my girl! You need to start hanging out around babies again!” And I agreed. And then I miscarried. Never did see her. So now I’m going over there tomorrow, and occupying her while her mom unpacks. Not really looking forward to this.
I just got a bunch of results back from the doctor for our miscarriage and immunology panel. Well, kind of. My doctor has a patient portal that I can log in and get results from all the tests, and it stores them. Which I love, but now let the google-fest commence! Basically it has a ton of numbers from all these blood tests I took a couple weeks ago, but no interpretation of the numbers. And the other thing that’s annoying is nobody from the office called me to let me know that the results were out there! Although now that I think about it, it may be because not all the results are in yet. I need to go through it and check everything off. And some of it doesn’t have number results, it just says “Comments:” and there are no comments! I think the doc is supposed to fill stuff in. Yes, I know, I need to talk to the doctor. So I just made an appointment to go over the results with him – earliest appointment available is two weeks away! In the meantime, I will be researching away…
Tomorrow night I’m going over to a friend’s house to help her unpack after her move. I want to see her new house, and offered to help unpack for a few hours tomorrow. And then she told me that what would help the most is to come over and watch her child while she unpacked… Ugh. I haven’t seen this little girl in probably 6 months. She’s about 15 months old. I remember going to the hospital when she was born, holding her precious little body in my arms, and whispering to her my wish to have a baby. Somehow I thought she could grant me my wish. Now she can talk. We hung out quite a bit for the first few months of her life. I was even on the short list for babysitting. And then I started to pull back. Her mom’s pretty perceptive – we never really talked about it, but she stopped asking me to come over and see her baby. I remember the week before the miscarriage, her mom said, “You should come over and play with my girl! You need to start hanging out around babies again!” And I agreed. And then I miscarried. Never did see her. So now I’m going over there tomorrow, and occupying her while her mom unpacks. Not really looking forward to this.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Two-week wait…
For the first time since early May, I’m now in a two-week wait… I’m officially 3 dpo, and now we wait. I’m debating using those progesterone suppositories that I have from the previous IUI and pregnancy. I had ordered a bunch right before I found out there was no heartbeat. There’s nothing like recovering from a D&C and having the UPS guy knock on your door to have you sign for a package of suppositories. They’ve been unopened in a package in the corner of my bedroom ever since. Today I finally unwrapped them! Moving on, right? Anyway, not sure if I should use them or not – thinking about it…
After last week’s bedroom debacle, we finally got our act together and got the business done in all the right times. Amazing, Fertility Friend says “High” on intercourse timing – never had that before. So we have the best chance we ever had naturally TTC – never worked before, but perhaps this time it will. What’s that there? Hope? Weird – not really sure what to do with you.
Wanted to share the exchange between the hubs before the last “time”:
Him: You pregnant yet?
Me: I don’t know – won’t know for a couple weeks.
Him: But we’re good, right?
Me: We should probably go another night…
Him: Seriously? Again???
Me: Yep
Him: Tell me how much we’ll save…
Me: $4,000!!!
Him: Come here, baby…
Talk about foreplay!
After last week’s bedroom debacle, we finally got our act together and got the business done in all the right times. Amazing, Fertility Friend says “High” on intercourse timing – never had that before. So we have the best chance we ever had naturally TTC – never worked before, but perhaps this time it will. What’s that there? Hope? Weird – not really sure what to do with you.
Wanted to share the exchange between the hubs before the last “time”:
Him: You pregnant yet?
Me: I don’t know – won’t know for a couple weeks.
Him: But we’re good, right?
Me: We should probably go another night…
Him: Seriously? Again???
Me: Yep
Him: Tell me how much we’ll save…
Me: $4,000!!!
Him: Come here, baby…
Talk about foreplay!
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