The ‘Rents

First, thank you for all of your comments about my Hubs and how we are working through this infertility stuff. I received such great advice and insights from your comments – you guys are going to help me through this, I know it!!! So good to have you in my life!!!! On to the ‘rents:

In the past couple of days, I’ve talked to four of the seven parents in my life. Yes it’s true, I have seven parents. There’s Dad (the guy that raised me) and Step-Mom (awesome, amazing woman), Mom (the woman that raised me) and Step-Dad (ok guy – he’s good to my mom, and pretty much ignores me, and we’re both fine with that situation), Birth Father (I talk to about 6 times a year for the last couple years but haven’t seen since I was 4 when I was adopted) and his wife (have never met or talked to her), and Birth Mother (haven’t talked to in a few years, haven’t seen since I was 4, but we exchange Christmas cards and pictures).

So now that we have my family tree straight, I talked to four parents lately, which is very rare for me. I talk with my Dad and Step-Mom very occasionally, but when I do, it’s really nice. I don’t think I’ve talked with them since January. But they’re both incredibly good to me, and so sweet when I talk with them on the phone. Dad has been cleaning stuff out, and he just sent me a package with tons of documents and pictures. There were some pictures that my Birth Father had sent my Dad, and lots of notes from both my Birth Father and my Birth Grandmother to my Dad, thanking him for the pictures of me that he had sent to them, and commenting on the news about my school studies, or other stuff in my life. It was really nice to receive, so I called my Dad to thank him for sending the package to me. I told him how much I appreciate it, and he was really nice. We chatted for a bit, and he was asking about what was going on. I told him for the first time that we are going through fertility treatments. He handled it really well, asked a couple vague questions, said he hoped it worked for me, that he was sure it was really tough, and then handed the phone to my Step-Mom. She hadn’t overheard my conversation with Dad, so I told her as well, and she was amazing. Just started gushing about how excited she was that we were doing this, and how she was going to pray and light candles for me, and I could call her anytime to talk or scream or whatever I needed. She truly is an amazing woman, and I’m so happy my dad decided to marry her and bring her in my life.

Then I called my Birth Father. We rarely talk, maybe every couple months, and it has been awhile. It is usually so very awkward when we talk. He is an artsy creative musical grown-up hippie kind of guy, and I’m an accountant. We have nothing in common. I grew up taking piano lessons, and got somewhat good at it, but I never really liked it. But he keeps grasping at this musical connection and urging me to buy a piano and take it up again. He’s always asking which composers I like and such, and I just fumble my way through the conversation. I feel really bad, because I want to have a relationship with him, and we’ve generally moved past the “I’m sorry I couldn’t take care of you – I was an alcoholic” and the awkward response of “It’s ok, it was a good life” conversation, but now we’re trying to develop a relationship. So hard. Anyway, I called him to tell him about the package Dad sent me, and to ask about my grandmother, his mother. So that was nice. It was a pretty short conversation, and he talked all about my grandmother – she lived for 97 years! I’m sad I didn’t start talking to my birth father until the last few years. When he tried to start talking with me originally during my early 20’s, I wasn’t really ready to talk to him, but my grandmother was still alive, and I could have seen her again. She took care of me for a bit before I was adopted…

So then last night I called my Mom. I’ve talked before about how we’ve always struggled, but things are kind of better. She’s trying to be supportive, and nice. But I still have to call her – she won’t call me, and I have to carry the conversation a lot of the times. But she warmed up last night and we talked for awhile. I’ve told her from the start of the fertility treatments what I was doing, and she was actually very nice and supportive during the last IUI, so I wanted to tell her I’m about to start another one so she would be involved. We got on the conversation of what we will do next if this IUI doesn’t work, and I told her about IVF. I told her a little about what it involved, and she asked about the cost, and I told her. Then she told me what she thought about it. And I’ll give her credit that she wasn’t going to tell me what she really thought, because she said she didn’t want me to think it was against me. Or that she wouldn’t support my decision. But I encouraged her to share her opinion, because I was curious. And I’ve come to the conclusion a LONG time ago that her opinion doesn’t really matter in my life, as I don’t need her approval. (but it sure would be nice… can’t believe I actually admitted that)

She thinks that any fertility treatments are against Mother Nature and God, that if God wanted me to have kids, that I would get pregnant naturally. That maybe God has a plan for me that doesn’t involve kids. I should just accept whatever happens naturally, because when I put my choice into something that is supposed to be natural, then it may have unintended consequences from going against God. Then I asked her about herself. She couldn’t get pregnant and therefore, she adopted me. That was her choice, and she didn’t go with what God gave her. She thought that was a good point, and instead of going with what God gives me, I should maybe adopt. I love how she can just change her mind based on whatever makes her look good. Plus she couldn’t imagine spending $15K on IVF, so I should adopt, which in her mind is much less expensive. I told her an approximate amount for adoption – don’t really know how much it is, but I seem to remember hearing something around $40K, and she was horrified. I reminded her that she adopted in 1979, and prices may have changed… The conversation actually went very well, she said again that she will support me in my decisions, and it was very pleasant. It was just interesting, considering how clueless she is, and how she doesn’t think about what she says.

Overall, my conversations went pretty well with all the parents. I need to figure out how to have a relationship with my birth father – he wants to see me – scares me just to think about it. And I need to talk to my dad and step-mom more often – they’re really great people, and it always makes me smile to talk to them. And my mom? I don’t know. I think we’re figuring out how to have a positive relationship, and I just need to accept that she may have different opinions, which of course is ok. And I need to accept that she just doesn’t make much sense, which is ok too!

On another note, AF still hasn’t shown her nasty face…