Seriously? This is what my life has become?
Warning to all readers: we're about to talk about such lovely topics like our husbands... ahem, pleasuring themselves... So if you would like to continue to pretend that your husband does not, you probably should not continue reading.
I always knew the Hubs did his thing on his own occasionally, but we never discussed it...until we started talking sperm count! I remember the conversation when I was trying to count days till the sperm count and thinking about the times we had sex and how long we had to wait to get the S/A done, and the Hubs politely reminded me that I don't need to be there for ejaculation...
Anyhoo, I'm going into the RE tomorrow morning to see if we're on for an IUI on Thursday & Friday, and the Hubs is working late, like after midnight. So I'm left at home with my emotional overwrought self. And I start counting the days since we last had sex, and this month has not been pretty! The Hubs and I don't actually talk on the phone when he's at work since he's working next to a bunch of people, so I decide in my great wisdom to fire off a text:
"I know this isn't great conversation for a txt but u need to do ur thing to be ready for the iui tonite or tomorrow morning. Ok? I can help..."
At this point I can't believe I'm writing this, and feel horrified, so I'm trying to be flirty. Keep in mind he'll get home after midnight tonite & go in at 8 tomorrow morning. Anyway, I get no response. After awhile, I send a text saying: "honey?" and he says "what" and I say "just wanted a response I guess." And he says nothing. Now my feelings are hurt and I'm pouting. Keep in mind that I'm an emotional wreck due to the shots!
So I decide to go to bed, tell him goodnite over text, and turn off the lights. Suddenly I freak out - tonite or tomorrow night is too late! The IUI is likely Thursday! That won't give him enough time to make sperm! I start crying hysterically, I've wasted all this time money and effort and it's not going to work!
So I bust out the phone and send the Hubs the following text:
"When was the last time u jacked off? I'm sorry but I'm starting to count & I don't know if u should tonite. I think it's too close to the iui." And he responded "Sunday." Phew!!! All is well. He jacked off on Sunday!
And then I thought about how crazy my life his, the rollercoaster I can get on and ride up and down in one night. And how I'm so happy my husband jacked off...
Oh, and how I felt like I had to run to the computer and share this oh so personal story with the Internet! Seriously? This is my life?
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Alex sweetie this is the funniest post I have read in a long long time!!! I love it!! You are so honest and I can totally relate!! We have all had those stories where the DH has done his own stuff and we have to ask and they get so defensive and personal.. as much as we try to make it flirty I think the see through it and don't feel like playing along. Well I am glad he did his own business and you were able to go to bed thinking all was good for your IUI...!!!It's so difficult to keep the romance going when going through IF.. just yesterday D told me that he was probably not horny because his body has now been programmed to feel horny only during my ovulation days!! LOL
ReplyDeleteThe things we find ourselves doing, right? All in the name of infertility. It's crazy! :)
ReplyDeletei have my dh on a strict schedule. every 3 days, he has to jack off or we have sex. since his sperm isn't the best, his urologist said that consistent ejaculation is good for his spermies. and i'm psycho enough to make him adhere to this :o)
ReplyDeleteLOL. OH, this was too funny. Not in a "ha ha" way but in a "omg i can't believe I'm having this conversation" way. I think we can all relate to this. Glad the timing seems to be good! :)
ReplyDeleteI once had a similar freak out b/c TH had counted the days wrong. I was a huge infertile spastic b*tch, though. It happens, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteHa! Thanks for sharing, I love it. The post that is, not your stress. Hmm, I should probably make sure my hubs produces every few days...I don't think he would mind.
ReplyDeleteI really like your warning, if you would like to continue to pretend, good stuff.
Best of luck
OMG, isn't this the truth.....NOTHING is sacred anymore is it?!!!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I have to control my hubbies "alone" time so that it works
with my cycle....so sad it becomes funny!
So funny-- it sounds like your husband has the timing of this process under control. I'm impressed!
ReplyDeleteIt is so strange, the things we--and our husbands--have to deal with. It sounds like you should be fine timing wise. Just keep a sense of humor about it, like you sound like you have, and you should be in good shape :).
ReplyDeleteOMG, hilarious post.
ReplyDeleteBut yea for good timing, even if you weren't there to, um, be of assistance in the "matter at hand." Too much? Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
GL at the IUI.
Hahahaha. Ah...the things we go through.
ReplyDelete