Thursday, May 27, 2010

Rollercoaster

First, I can’t tell you how much your support and kind words mean to me. When I’m feeling down, or nervous, it helps so much to read your comments – they really are like virtual hugs. Thank you to all of you, from the bottom of my heart. Going through this with you by my side makes it better – truly!

This morning’s scan went well. There is growth. The baby is GROWING – just want to yell that a little bit!!! It measured at 5 weeks 1 day on Monday, and today it was 5 weeks 5 days. So it looks good – I think. At first she said that I measured 5 weeks 2 days, and I said that wasn’t very good since it was 5 weeks 1 day on Monday – four days ago. So then she changed the angle, and she measured 5 weeks 5 days – all good! Seriously??? Makes me think they don’t know what the hell they’re doing… We talked for awhile with the nurse and fluctuating hcg levels, and she said that sometimes it just changes – no reason. WTF??? And why the fuck didn’t you mention that on Monday??? I know that we fertility patients need a lot of hand holding, and really like the constant attention. But sometimes I wonder if it’s just better not to be closely monitored. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t have every little change in my hormone levels monitored, and days counted on the ultrasound. But for now, I am still pregnant. We haven’t yet seen a heartbeat, but it’s still early. And I go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound. Yes, I said that it may not be good to go so often, but I’m still jumping on that stupid table and being wanded as much as they’ll let me…

Oh and my hcg level is ___. Apparently over 5,000, they don’t even measure the exact amount. So I don’t know if it doubled, or tripled, or just rose 25% each 48 hours – it would all be over 5,000. I guess once it gets this high, it’s better to just look at the ultrasound – the hcg levels are unreliable… Uh yeah, thanks for letting me know – this would have been nice information to have four days ago!!!

OK, I’m done ranting. I’m simply happy that everything is ok and that my baby appears to be growing. Also I’m happy that the Hubs and I are doing better. Last night was NOT good.

Hubs is not the best supporter in bad times. Or at least in times when he doesn’t understand why you perceive them as bad. He finally told me last night that he had done a bunch of research on the internet, and he didn’t think my levels were that bad, and I shouldn’t be worrying. First, he consults Dr. Google too??? Why didn’t I know this? It kind of makes me feel better that I’m not the only one trying to find answers in the great world wide web. But second, why is it that my googling only results in bad answers, and his googling results in good answers???? Is he hitting a different button? Or is it his perception? Why is he being the super optimist and I can’t get out of pessimist land? And the third thing is, he cares enough to spend time on google!!! I know this should come as no surprise, right? Of course he cares – he’s my husband and also wants children, and we did all this for a reason, right? But sometimes I wonder. He seems so noncommittal. He doesn’t want to talk about it all the time (or at all!) like I do, he just assumes everything will work out just fine. He absolutely refuses to be compassionate to me if I’m upset. And he will not tell me how he feels. At least I know this isn’t just about children. I remember him being so surprised when I was so thrilled when he proposed – after five years of dating, after buying a house together, and moving across the country together. I was so thrilled because it was validation that he really truly liked and loved me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, just like I wanted to with him! And somehow, I wasn’t sure about that before he popped the question… Perhaps I’m a little insecure, and perhaps he doesn’t provide assurance, or perhaps it’s a little of both. Needless to say, he and I were not at all on the same page last night – I was worrying, and he thought I was ridiculously obsessing, and then I thought he didn’t care because he wasn’t worrying, or even respecting my feelings… Definitely didn’t go well, but we are now better. He came to my appointment with me, and we talked a little this morning. We were walking out of the appointment and he said, “It looks like everything’s ok, right?” And I said, “I guess.” And he said, “I just wanted to hear you say that.” Also he said that he was very happy the clinic doesn’t measure the hcg over 5,000! He wants off this rollercoaster as much as I do!

---pause---

OK – I had all of the above written, and was just waiting for the hcg levels, so I could fill in the blank and post this. I was very confident that it was over 5,000. And it was. The nurse called me, and said my blood levels were all good, but can I please come in this afternoon for another ultrasound? She said the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound on me, as they hadn’t yet seen the heartbeat, and he wanted to look at me before the long weekend. I thought it was very bizarre, but I agreed to go back in.

I hopped back up on the table, and had the longest ultrasound ever – about 40 minutes of wandy time. Turns out they weren’t really concerned about the baby in the uterus – everything still looks fine (measured 5 weeks 6 days – which is today – this afternoon!), and it’s normal to not show a heartbeat yet, given that it’s still early. But they are concerned because I have a lot of fluid in my abdomen next to my left ovary, and my fallopian tube looks swollen – they think I may have another baby in my tube. But they’re not sure. After 40 minutes of scanning (which sucked – my legs were shaking at the end), they concluded that I don’t appear to be in imminent danger, especially considering I haven’t had any sharp pains. But I’m not allowed to leave town, and I should rest most of the weekend, and call the doctor on call immediately if I have any pain. There’s a chance that I will have to go in for emergency surgery and remove my left tube, along with the baby in the tube, but they think I will be able to keep the baby in my uterus. And of course there’s the possibility that there isn’t a baby in my tube, my tube is just swollen and there’s fluid from the ovary being hyperstimulated! And in the meantime, I’m supposed to wait and see and just come back on Tuesday to check out my tube, and maybe the baby in my uterus will have a heartbeat…

At this point, I’m so tired of riding up and down on the rollercoaster, but this news for some reason didn’t really upset me. I only care about that little baby in my uterus, and whatever happens, it sounds like we can save that little guy. So what if they take my tube – I have another one, and I can have IVF for baby #2 if needed. And I can’t really think about the possible baby in the tube. All I care about is keeping baby #1 alive and well. And for now, my little one is ok.

26 comments:

  1. You are doing great. It's common enough if you do have a heterotopic pregnancy that the properly implanted babe will be fine. This stressful bit is definitely hard on a marriage. At some point I gad to just start. With "what I need from you right now (to do or say)..." which helped a lot when I was inconsolable. My thoughts are with you. Watch for pain like a hawk and take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. holy cow, you have been on a crazy roller coaster my friend. i really hope there isn't a 2nd baby in the tubes, but that could also explain why your hcg levels were so wacky. i'm glad they're being positive that you can get that tube removed and that the baby in your belly will be fine. so that's a relief to hear, and *fingers crossed* for you.

    i've come to the conclusion that if i'm having a super freakout about infertility related stuff, i must go to my blog. dh gives me a lot of support for about 10 minutes, but beyond that, he can't keep psychoanalyzing the same $Hit over and over. that's just not his style. he worries to himself and doesn't share with me, but it doesn't mean he's not worried. he just doesn't subscribe to the overanalyzing and the crazy hysteria that i'm prone to. your dh sounds very similar. just know that they care. extreme situations like infertility just make us want to cling more and *them* want to pretend that everything is as normal as possible.

    with that, i must go make some dinner. but i hope you're holding up over there, and that you're able to get off this rollercoaster asap! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yay to higher beta and growth! I hope the swollen tube is ok and doesn't create any problems.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, roller coaster is right!! Take care of yourself and your bean this weekend and I'll keep sending positive thoughts your way for a perfect u/s on Tuesday! Huge (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so happy for GROWTH!!!!! My fingers are corssed and I will say prayers that it will be fine. hugs

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow. This is a crazy roller coaster!!! YAY for growth and i just hipe everything goes smoothy with the next tests.

    ReplyDelete
  7. OMG, what a freaking roller coaster, Alex. SO happy to hear that there is growth and everything looks good.

    The tube - wow - that is scary - but you're right - if they have to, they'll remove it and your baby will be safe. I hope it's just fluid from a bit of over-stimulation and not another ectopic.

    I'll be thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. ((Hugs)) Congrats on everything going great with the baby. I hope the everything turns out ok with your tube.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yay, little bean growth, I am so happy for you! Think positive thoughts and maybe next ultrasound will show a heartbeat and a skinny tube and you can step off the rollercoaster, until you hit two year old temper tantrums that is :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh my gosh, rollercoaster is right. So much information coming in with so many mixed signals... And dealing with the relationship stuff with the hubs, too. But I'm so, so happy that your little baby is growing!! And hoping you get to keep that tube, too.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow, I'm with Al on this one -- talk about a rollercoaster! I am so glad to hear that the baby in your uterus is looking good so far as are your hcg levels and I will be hoping that your tube is just a little swollen so you won't have to worry about an ectopic. Thinking of you and your little one!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. oh sweetie I was reading this post and at the part in which you say all is going well I actually screamed out YEAH! I hope and pray that there is only one baby and not another in the tube.. but like the doctor said if there is your baby will still be ok. I am thinking of you during this long weekend and sending you lots of positive vibes for a positive outcome! xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  13. OMG Alex...I can't believe how much happened in one day! I am hoping it is all OK and even if there is a baby in the tube, that you and the other little one stay well. This is *way* too early for a heartbeat IMHO. I didn't have one at over 6w (can't remember how many days) and...that baby is DD! I'm sorry DH is being unsupportive. I think it is really hard for them to understand that you bond with that little bub instantly because they just don't get it.
    Thinking of you!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. What a rollercoaster this is for you, Alex. I'm so happy that one baby is where it's supposed to be. Now hoping for a good u/s with a heartbeat, and nothing growing out of place. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Glad you see growth and development. Hope you have a H&H 9 months.

    ICLW

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh for goodness sake! Its all too much, isnt it?
    And yes I agree, I would almost rather NOT be monitored so closely because it is CRAZY MAKING. But the alternative is to not know whats going on and that would ALSO make me crazy! Moral of the story = I'm crazy :)

    I did laugh the whole way through your description of your husband because he sounds EXACTLY like my Lou. Somehow her googling lands her in the happy place, mine plunges me into depression!

    I sincerely from the bottom of my heart pray that your tube is just a bit swollen and they dont need to do anything.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Gosh, I'm so sorry these first few weeks have been such an emotional whirlwind for you. Hoping everything is ok, and most importantly the little bean in your belly!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Lame. I had my right tube removed in March, the recovery is 3 days. Hang in there and congrats on the high levels.

    ReplyDelete
  19. wow, its been a couple of days since I checked on you. I hope that you are feeling good and the tube issue is due to hyperstimulation. My thoughts are with you! ((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm so glad there was growth!! Good news! Here's hoping that the weekend goes fast and you see a beautiful beating heart on Tuesday!

    Just wanted to say thanks, too, for the words of encouragement on my blog. I've decided to definitely start posting bump pics despite the pudge. Hope you will do the same as you start expanding!! :) Really wishing you all the best during this long weekend and hoping that things are perfect on Tuesday.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I actually read this the first time before I found out that I was pregnant (but didn't have time to respond), and my response was just total deep sympathy. You and your husband had a totally insane day and a half or so, and I am really sorry you had to go go through all that. AND I'm thrilled that the baby in your uterus is measuring correctly for the dates.That's wonderful, relieving news. I can imagine how you felt when they told you it'd only grown by 1 day over 4, and how your heart must've dropped. I wish they would just keep their mouths shut until they know! Finally, I thought that the possible ectopic made total sense. The fluid in your abdomen would be explained by that. Hopefully that ISN'T what's happening, but as you say, it is all worth it if the uterine baby continues to thrive. I have my fingers crossed hard for your next ultrasound, that you see a perfect heartbeat.

    THEN, I re-read this after finding out that I am pregnant, and to be honest it scares me to death. I don't want to go through any of this crap anymore!!!!!!! So instead of my former sympathy, I am now experiencing more of an empathetic-type fear... ugh!

    Also, I wouldn't worry too much about fighting with your husband at times like these...

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm glad things are measuring on target. I'm sure there are many fears running through your mind right now. But in this great world of TTC and IF, we have to take these things 1 day at a time. And that's hard. My husband is much like yours...not exactly the compassionate type. He'd rather I cry in my room or the bathroom so he doesn't feel the need to comfort me. Heaven forbid, right? Anyway, try to rest this weekend and hopefully there's no baby in your tube but if there is, at least you will know very early on and they can do what they need to. Rest up!

    ReplyDelete
  23. phew. So glad things are going well. Great news!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm here from LFCA and I just had to give you a hug. Being up and down in limbo is just the hardest place to be and I think you have your perspective all worked out perfectly... as long as the baby in the uterus is doing OK then you need to focus on that.
    I'm in the midst of beta hell myself and find myself in a quasi pregnancy state which is looking more tentative by the second so I completely understand your feelings and frustration with what your clinic is telling you. I think the reality is that they really don't know what is going on exactly and can only have very educated guesses. Which is frustrating for woman like us who are being micromanaged and as such we expect black and white answers. Hang in there, i am thinking of you and am so pleased that your baby is measuring on target, that is definitely a great hurdle to leap over. xx

    ReplyDelete
  25. So glad to hear that baby-in-uterus is doing well and very anxious to hear about how you're making out with left tube. I totally agree that we're all over-monitored. If we were normal pregnant people we'd never have this many early beta HCG tests and never be ultrasounded this early. It's just more to worry about. And, we can't do a DARN thing about it! There is absolutely nothing we can do to get our HCG levels to rise 'normally' or to make sure there's a baby in there in the right place. So frustrating. Hoping that all is going well with you and the left tube issue works itself out.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am sorry this has been such a roller-costar ride! It is great that your little one is measuring just as s/he should (and ridiculous that the tech got two radically different date during the same scan). I hope you find out soon about your tube, and that the issue resolves itself! Best wishes.

    ReplyDelete