Monday, June 21, 2010

Back at Work

I made it through the weekend, and I’m back at work. On Friday and Saturday, I didn’t leave my house, and I didn’t even shower. I’m not sure what I did those days – I don’t really remember. I had someone from work bring a bunch of checks that I needed to sign at around 11 on Friday, and I did that for about 30 minutes while she waited. I waited until she left to take vicodin – figured I shouldn’t be signing away the company’s money while high on painkillers… As soon as she left, I took some vicodin, and I don’t really remember the rest of the day. I started bleeding for real on Friday afternoon. Oh, it was painful, and a mess. I bled bad all day on Saturday as well. Yesterday it tapered off, and today there really isn’t much. Hopefully that part is over. I’m still in a little pain, but I haven’t taken any vicodin since Saturday night at midnight. I’m on a lot of Advil, but I can function with that stuff at least – I would be a terrible drug addict – couldn’t function at all on the hard drugs!

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got up, and decided I needed to move. I have never been a skinny girl, but it has gotten out of hand. Granted I had started gaining some pregnancy weight, but still. I realized this weekend that I’ve gained about 20 pounds in the last year. I’m horrified to admit that, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? So in order to take control of something in my life, I will now be working on exercising and eating healthy. No real plan yet, just going to walk my dogs every morning, and watch what I eat a little. If I can do that for a week or two, it will be a huge first step. It finally occurred to me that I don’t have to walk both dogs at the same time – they weigh about 120 pounds each, so I have a hard time controlling both of them. So I’m alternating walking them – I walked Jackson yesterday and Kodiak today. It’s not very long, but it’s much more than I was doing. And it hurts – my body feels broken. I’m angry at my body, so I’m trying to make up with it by making it healthy. It feels kind of good for my body to hurt in other ways, other than emotionally and physically from the D&C.

So I’m back at work. I have a lot to catch up on, and I’m really hoping I don’t have to explain to my boss why I was gone last week. I’m really hoping the topic just doesn’t come up – will I be that lucky? We can only hope.

Emotionally, I’m ok. I still can’t believe this happened. The hardest part for me is I don’t understand. I have had difficulty with every single part of getting pregnant. I haven’t ever been able to get pregnant naturally – yes, both IUI’s with injections worked, but none of the many months without medication and IUI’s worked. Then I got pregnant earlier this year, but it was ectopic. And for this one, everything was fine – it was in the right place, I saw a heartbeat a few times, I even got to hear it, but my baby died. If there was a trend in something going wrong, maybe we could treat it. Maybe we could figure out what was going wrong, and fix that. But everything is going wrong – I don’t think there’s anything to treat. Maybe it’s me – maybe I shouldn’t be a mother. I’ve always wondered that, thought that in the back of my mind. I don’t feel like I deserve to be a mother, because I won’t be a good one. I scoff when people say I’ll be a good mother – I honestly don’t believe it.

So for now, we’re getting off this TTC train for awhile. I don’t know how long, but we need a break. The Hubs and I are not talking very well right now – we’re actually fine, but he won’t talk about the baby, or losing the baby. He’s dealing with it by withdrawing, and I’m just going to have to be ok with that. I talk to others, I have some very supportive friends, and I have a great therapist. So we’re working on being ok, and that’s all we can do right now. I did manage to talk to the Hubs briefly yesterday about taking a break – we’re both on board with not trying for awhile. We go to Europe in September, and we’ll talk about trying after that. For now, we’re healing. We went to sushi last night (yes, I wanted some again) and with my glass of wine, I toasted “To a summer of healing.” The Hubs rolled his eyes, and changed the subject, but I liked it.

This morning I woke up, and I hate to admit it, but I felt relief. I don't have anything to worry about. I'm not worried about fertility treatments, I'm not worried about whether I could be pregnant, and I'm not worried about my baby. I have spent the last year, and more, worried. The last few months have been so hard. I was so thankful and happy to be pregnant, but every day, I worried. There was not a single day that I didn't worry about losing the baby, even if I was excited and happy. I guess this is motherhood - every mother worries about their child. Maybe I'm not cut out for it. Because today, I felt relief that I don't have anything to worry about - I know where my baby is.

19 comments:

  1. I wish I could give you a super-sized hug right now. Again, I'm deeply sorry for this unimaginable loss. It fucking sucks. My heart aches for you. :(

    There's one other thing I have to say, though, Alex. You *do* deserve to be a mother. You deserve anything you set your heart on. I know that these words probably don't feel comforting right now and I wish I had the magic words. It's so important to me that you understand that your pregnancy loss is NOT the result of you being undeserving. NO WAY, NO HOW.

    I hope this break brings you the rejuvination you need, and I hope we can continue to support you on this journey. Sending love...

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  2. Time away from the worry will be wonderful. I'm a worrier too. Often our partners are not at the same place emotionally. My hubby took a couple of weeks before he really broke down, by that time i was on my way up, so it was good we both were'nt wrecked at the same time. Take care.

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  3. i was thinking about you this weekend and i'm glad you're doing a little better today. there's no timeframe for healing, so take care of yourself and be easy on yourself for the next few months. i'm so glad you have an awesome vacation in the works bc that will help take your mind off things. i'm here any time you need to vent - scream, cry, go right ahead. if dh isn't good about talking about this, turn to us. turn to me. i'm here for you and sending you big hugs :o)

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  4. Feeling relief sounds very healthy to me. I think it's great that you could both agree that you need a break. And I'll toast with you "to a summer of healing" - cheers :)

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  5. I'm glad you felt relief this morning. Focusing on you is a great idea. I hope this break brings you peace and happiness.

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  6. "To a summer of healing". I am right there with you, for different reasons, but with you none-the-less. I hope that each day brings you more peace. I am thinking of you.

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  7. I know you're still cut out to be a mother BECAUSE you worry! Even if you feel relief from that worry, you'll still be a great mother.

    I hope this TTC break allows you to heal, and get back to a happy place. I'm still thinking of you!

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  8. I hope this summer of healing works wonders for you! You do deserve to be a mother but I'm sure it will take time to feel like it again. Hugs to you!

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  9. I'm sorry for your pain. This ride is not fun.

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  10. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. A summer of healing sounds like a good idea. Thinking of you.

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  11. I feel exactly what you are describing. Relief. There's nothing wrong with that.

    For what you are going through, it sounds like you are doing as well as you can. I admire your strength. I've also gained 20 pounds since TTC, which isn't something I'm proud of either. Walking my two dogs (85 pounds and 40 pounds) is a struggle, but if you can walk your two...I don't have an excuse!

    (((HUGS)))

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  12. You're doing great Alex, you're trudging on and working and fighting your way through this.

    I'm right there with you, hoping for a summer full of healing and feeling a bit of relief that I'm not trying to get or stay pregnant. And also with the weight loss - my goal is to lose about 15 pounds.

    Thinking of you.

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  13. I think you are doing an amazing job Alex. You are stronger than you think.
    I admire your strength of character and tenacity so much and you have so many reasons to be proud of yourself.
    The mental exhaustion of the past year has probably played its toll and you can now start to refresh yourself and build yourself back up. Keep looking after yourself, it sounds like you are doing a great job so far. xx

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  14. Sending you lots of hugs. I hope that this break brings you lots of relief, happiness, and hope for the future. You are in my thoughts.

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  15. I've been thinking of you so much my friend and I agree that feeling relief is a very healthy thing indeed. We need relief from the pressure we have been under. When I lost my second tube one thing was that I didn't have to worry about the 2ww every month at least. I suppose that was one way to deal with that too. You will have a fantastic holiday planned now, if you are coming to Ireland let me know. Give your DH some time to deal with this loss in his way, but then if you feel you have to share with him your feeling tell him so. You will both get through this, you are much stronger that this. Men sometimes feel that if they don't talk about a painful subject it will not upset you (like we pretend everything is fine, we will be fine for real, quicker) my DH is also the same. But then they have other subtle ways to make sure we are feeling less pain. Maybe a dinner out, maybe a drive somewhere, or just watching a movie without saying a word. You remain in my thoughts and prayers, you are one strong woman and I am so moved by your posts on my blog, please know that you don't have too, take the time that's needed my friend. Much love, Fran

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  16. I think a summer of healing is a good thing. I think that's what I need, now, too. Sending you a lot of ((hugs))

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  17. It is so great to hear you are beginning to start the healing process. A summer of healing is perfect, it will do you wonders.

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  18. You are such a strong woman and I do believe that you will make a wonderful mom. I might not know you personally but I really do believe that. I used to say that when I just could not get pregnant and you know what the fact that we think about it so much already makes us better moms. Anyway, I agree that taking som time off from all the TTC can only help. Maybe being away from the whole TTC routine will bring you and your DH closer too. I am just glad you have started the healing process.. remember to take things one day at the time. Sending you a huge HUG!

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  19. You've been on my mind and I'm glad that your boss hasn't been up on you about last week. I am with you on that relief weirdness as WORRY feels like such a mild word to what you feel when you are pregnant and afraid (for good reason) that you will not last. It's an edge of sheer terror.

    You'll feel more back somewhere in the middle soon. I can just see how strong you are during all this and just know you are going to be okay.

    (For some reason this comment was hung on my computer from yesterday. Sorry if it's out of sequence to today's.)

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