Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Trying to be Strong

First, I want to thank you all for your caring comments yesterday and into this morning. Whoever came up with this blog and commend idea is just amazing! My phone buzzed throughout the day with your wonderful messages, and I truly felt the warmth and support of this incredible IF community. I didn't feel alone - you are the only people in my life that understand me, that really understand what I'm going through. Thank you to those that spread the word about me - this community is amazing, and it really rallies around those who need the support. I really needed all of you yesterday, and you definitely stepped up! I'm so thankful I have you in my life.

Somehow I made it through yesterday - I think it was the longest day of my life. I had gone to my RE's office - I was coming to the end of my weekly visits to the RE to do weekly ultrasounds. I was about to graduate from the RE - I was almost at the plac where everyone considered me to be mostly safe from the risk of miscarriage. The RE office handled it very well - I got the ultrasound from one of the younger doctors, who I really like. He, along with one of the nurses, reviewed my ultrasound, and confirmed there was no heartbeat. He explained all my options and I think was pushing the D&C, but it's hard for me to tell - I barely remember that meeting.

I went home, and all morning just lay in my bed and cried. I wailed and cried, until I couldn't cry anymore, and then I would cry some more. I told my friend at work (we'll call her A) that knew everything that was going on, primarily because I needed to tell someone I wasn't coming into work. My boss is out of town this week, whic is nice because I don't have to explain it to him, but it's bad because he wants one of us to be there at all times, and I'm not there this week to supervise the rest of the group. I know they'll be fine, but still. I'm trying not to worry about it, but that's against my nature. Anyway, A suggested around noon that I get a confirmation ultrasound from my regular OB/GYN and discuss his opinion of my options - I was really struggling with what to do. So I called that office, and the nurse called be back around 2, and asked if I could come in at 3. A had told me earlier that if the Hubs couldn't make it to an appointment, that she would go with me. So I picked her up from work, and we went to my OB/GYN.

The OB/GYN was amazing - he's really good with people. I just saw him and the ultrasound tech last week - a week ago today - and last week they both said everything looked really good. My baby had a heartbeat last week, and was growing. I remember the sound of that heartbeat. I'm so glad I got to hear my baby one time. The doc and the tehch confirmed there was no heartbeat yesterday. It was so good to have A there with me - she held my hand and cried with me during the ultrasound. The doc was passing tissues to both of us. Then we discussed my options. The doc highly recommended doing a D&C. I think after weighing all the options, it will be easiest to do a D&C, and have it done and behind me. I can't imagine waiting for my body to miscarry - I think that's too much torture, and I don't know that I'm strong enough to go through that waiting, and the process. So the doc scheduled me for the surgery today - I go in at 10:30, the surgery should be at 12:00, and then I'll go home. And thank goodness the hubs took the day off so he will be with me. Many of your stories really helped me with this decision to do the D&C as well. I was afraid of a D&C, but your comments really helped me to get over that fear. I'm still very nervous - I have never had general anesthesia, and I'm terrified the procedure will do something bad to my body, but if all of you can do it, so can I. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm strong, and I can handle this. Sometimes I believe it, but sometimes it's too hard.

So this morning I wait for time to pass until the surgery. I finally fell asleep around midnight, and woke up at 4 this morning, but I'm thankful I got a little sleep at least. This morning it took me a few seconds to realize what happened - and then I started crying all over again. My doc gave me a prescription for vicodin, so hopefully after the surgery I can just fall into a drug-induced sleep for awhile. Hopefully it works - I've never taken anything like that before. I just want to feel better. I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything, so I feel incredibly nauseous - oh the joys of pregnancy symptoms when I have a dead baby inside me. The painful breasts and nausea all serve to remind me that I'm pregnant - but not. I just want this to be over. But more than anything, I want my baby back.

38 comments:

  1. I am beyond sorry for your loss. It is not fair and I am not sure I will ever truly understand why.
    You are in my prayers.

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  2. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Sending you many hugs. You are in my prayers.

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  3. It is great that A was able to be there to support you, and I'm glad that the OB/GYN helped you make the right decision. Physically, I am sure you will do fine today. I can't even begin to imagine your emotional pain though. I am thinking of you.

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  4. hang in there alex. sending you a great big hug and know that i'm thinking of you today. goodluck, and i hope the healing process can begin after you get out of the procedure. you've been through a crazy roller coaster ride, so take care of yourself and be easy on yourself. there's no timeline for getting through something like this, so lean on us as much as you can and need. xoxoxo :o)

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  5. I'm so sorry for your loss, Alex. It's just not fair, it's not right, and I can't understand it.

    I'm glad that you made a decision on what to do next and that the physical part of this loss will be done today. I thinking waiting would be torture, like you said.

    Big, huge hugs to you. I'll be thinking of & praying for you.

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  6. Alex, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know you must be getting prepared for your D&C right now even as I'm typing this, and it is awful imagining what you're enduring and what emotions must be running through you right now. I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of you and praying that the D&C goes smoothly and that you can recover from it with ease. I know your heart will take much longer to heal and maybe never will fully, but I will pray that with some time you will at least experience some peace. Sending you many hugs.

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  7. Thinking about you today and hoping all goes well. Big, big hugs!

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  8. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts today, Alex! I hope the D&C goes smoothly and that the vicodin helps smooth out the roughest edges. Huge but gentle HUGS coming your way....

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  9. I'm so sorry. I've been following silently and was hoping that this would be your miracle. Crying with you and sending (((((Hugs))))).

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  10. I just commented on your other post (came from LFCA), and then saw you updated a post. I will be thinking about you today, I remember being bitter toward the nurses and everything for being there. I hated it. I hated that I had to go, I hated that my body failed me one more time. I hated everything about it. I hope that you can get through this day, and then just cling to your husband and heal together.

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  11. So very very sorry Alex... praying that you can get through this, and that your body and heart will heal soon~

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  12. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today and pray for compassion from the hospital staff and support for both you and your hubby...hugs

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  13. I'm thinking of you today, Alex, and hoping that things go as well as the possibly can. A is a wonderful friend, and it's so touching that she offered to go with you yesterday. Friends like that are priceless...

    I'm glad you were able to make a decision, hard as it was. My very dear friend had a D&C week before last, the procedure apparently lasted only 15-20 minutes, and she promptly went home and took a pain-med-induced nap, too. She physically felt better the next day, aside from typical menstrual cramp sensations. You will make it through the physical part of this, as scary as it seems...

    I hate this for you, just absolutely hate that you are going through this. It seems pointless to say this, but it's true: It's unfair. Ridiculously unfair. :(

    Sending <3 and XXX...

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  14. I am so sorry for you right now. I am also going through a loss currently, and the pain is unbearable. All I can say is... you are not alone. And this is completely unfair, and you deserve better.

    Thinking of you...
    Jess

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  15. I am sorry. I am deeply sad for you and my heart is with you today. I hope you are able to get some rest this afternoon. I will be thinking of you just like I have been for the last day.

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  16. Alex know that I'm in tears for you, I couldn't think of anything else yesterday after I read your post, I wonder if you will have the baby checked for chromosomal disorders, it may give you peace of mind to know that if there was something wrong with the genetic code it was just Nature taking its course. I have no doubt you'll be pregnant again soon, you got pregnant twice with two IUIs, it'll happen again and it will stay. Love, Fran

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  17. I, like all the others, will be thinking of you today. Just know that when you need to fall apart, we will all be here to hold you together.

    Hugs,
    Jo

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  18. Thinking of you Alex and sending you love and peace.

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  19. You will do great. Give yourself some time to adjust after the surgery. You'll definitely feel different, but still pregnant for some time. It definitely is the fastest way to start over and hopefully you'll get a chance to get an analysis of the tissue to see what happened. Alex, I am just so sorry that this happened to you and I am mourning the loss of your hope and your child. It is beyond unfair. My heart is with you and email me if you have any questions after it's done. Been through it twice and I can tell you whatever you need to know.

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  20. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know that you will make it through surgery just fine, and the vicodin will help you to relax and get some sleep afterwards. I don't have the experiences that the other ladies have above, but I can tell you that you are in my thoughts as you grieve your loss.

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  21. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this, Alex. Please know that I am thinking of you. *hugs*

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  22. I'm so very sorry, Alex. It's not fair at all.
    I'm glad that you have a wonderful friend like A and your husband to take care of you. Thinking of you.

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  23. I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you often. Sounds like you have an excellent support system, but I can only imagine how painful this is for you. (((hugs)))

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  24. I just can't believe you're having to deal with this. I'm just so sorry. I'll be thinking of you a lot today and hope the procedure goes smoothly. ((((((hugs))))))

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  25. Alex my thoughts and wishes are with you my friend. I got here from Frans blog and just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and I wish you peace and healing. I am so sorry, take care of yourself.

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  26. This is my first time to visit your blog. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Sending big Hugs to you & your husband.

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  27. Oh Alex, I'm just so sad for you. I so wish I could take some that pain. I've been thinking of you since yesterday. I hope today went as smoothly as possible and you are back home resting now.

    Take care.

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  28. I'm so sorry Alex. I hope you are ok today and I'm thinking of you.

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  29. Alex, I'm so pleased you were at least given the dignity of having kind medical professionals to help you through this process and help you make your decision. I had a d&c with my first m/c and I never regretted it at all, it helped give me a clean break from it all. I'm glad you feel happy with the decision you made, its terrible that you even have to make these choices and I'm so sorry you're here. I hope the surgery goes well and we are all here for you when you come out the other side. My heart just aches for you.

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  30. So sorry! I can't believe this! Many thoughts and prayers your way!

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  31. Thank God for amazing friends! "A" sounds like she's a blessing in your life--a true friend! And you have certainly proven that you have the strength to endure this and make it through this! And it's totally normal and appropriate to grieve this loss at your own pace. Prayers for you and your D&C appt. I hope that someday you get to meet your little nugget in heaven!!!

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  32. Alex I am so sorry for you. I missed your post yesterday (stupid time difference!) and now I have realised what happened my heart just breaks for you. It just seems so unfair to have to go through so much to get pregnant and for this to happen. I am thinking of you and praying that the D&C went as fine as such procedure can go.. you are in my thoughts and prayers sweet friend. {{{{{{{{{{massive hug my sweet}}}}}}} I am here for you if you need me.

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  33. Thinking of you....again today. Rest well.

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  34. Alex, I am utterly, utterly heartbroken. This is so unfair, and so tragic. I am at a total loss for words, other than to say that I am keeping you in my thoughts and I know that you will be able to get through this. I hope that you are recovering OK physically from the D&C, and I'll be here to listen throught your emotional recovery.

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  35. I've been thinking of you. I hope the surgery wasn't too bad. Love and hugs.

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  36. ive been away from blogs for a few weeks so i am so sorry i wasnt here for you before now. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish you peaceful moments and fond memories of your little ones sweet heartbeat. Much love to you and your husband.

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