Now We Wait

Thanks to everyone for your comments on my post yesterday. It’s so nice to get some great opinions and advice. My favorite, I think, is Leslie’s suggestion - a scientific experiment testing the Hubs semen volume depending on how long it’s been since ejaculation. I’m sure he’ll go for that! :)

Today’s IUI went so much better. It wasn’t done by the usual nurse – she was out, so the junior doctor in the practice did the procedure, and he was fabulous! I think male doctors in general are gentler – they don’t know how much pain you can take, so they try to be real nice and gentle. Plus he was kind of cute. And he did this thing when he was about to touch my crotch – instead of just going for it, he kind of ran his hand up my inner thigh so he wouldn’t surprise me. Now the nurse was there too, and it’s was purely clinical, and he talked his way through the whole thing, so it wasn’t creepy or anything. But having a hot doctor run his hand up your inner thigh on the day of ovulation (you know what they say about increased libido…) was simply nice. And no, the Hubs wasn’t there to witness either – not sure what he would say about that one…

And it didn’t hurt that I had a couple hours to kill between dropping off the cup and the IUI procedure, so I went for a manicure and pedicure – best pedicure ever!!! Too bad the salon is across town next to the clinic that does the IUI’s, but if I ever have to go back there (but I won’t, because this IUI will work!) I’m going back for another pedicure by Diane – she was amazing!

The other thing that was very cool was my acupuncture appointment last night. I’ve been going now for a couple months, and it’s been the same type of treatment each time, depending on if I’m on my back or stomach. But this time I laid down on the table, and went to lift up my shirt so he could put needles on my belly, and he said he wasn’t going to put any there – he always puts needles on my belly! Then he started putting needles in my skin – in completely different spots than he usually does. I was so confused. Finally he finished, and he told me that this treatment is now to prevent miscarriage. He’s no longer working on getting my body ready for pregnancy – now he’s helping my body retain a pregnancy! This is so cool. For the first time, I have someone treating me like I’m pregnant, and he’s just helping me keep it! I had the needles in for 30 minutes, and I tried to focus on images of eggs meeting with sperm, and creating a baby. Then before I left, he gave me the following advice: “No caffeine, walk slow, no jumping, not too much sugar or carbohydrates. Meditate throughout the day. Be happy and relaxed. And pray.” OK buddy, I’ll do my best! I just love the happy and relaxed part – I can control the rest of them, but happy and relaxed are the hardest parts.

So based on my acupuncturist, and my original thoughts for this cycle, and my hot doctor saying to come back for my positive pregnancy test in two weeks, and my therapist saying I may as well be positive – it’s a lot more fun that being negative, I will do my best. My 2ww begins, and I will stay as positive as I can. Starting with the following statement: I am pregnant!!! ;)

IUI #1 – done

The first IUI of two this cycle is done – next one tomorrow morning. I don’t think it’s common to have two IUI’s per cycle – have any of you done this? My doctor believes it increases chances, and according to Dr. Google, it might increase chances, but it doesn’t seem to be common.

Anyway, the first is done – and it was not fun. It hurt much more than last cycle. I wasn’t having ovary cramps or much pain at all this morning, until during and after the procedure, and now I’m in so much pain. I’m back at work, and I’m completely exhausted. I stayed up super late last night – had the trigger shot at 11:15, and then couldn’t sleep. The Hubs has a major deadline tomorrow, so he didn’t get home until 2 am, at which point he woke me up as I requested – really needed a hug last night. And right now I could use one, although if anyone hugged me right now I would start crying, and I really try to avoid that at work. I started crying right after the procedure – during my 10 minutes of half-naked alone time in stirrups. I was so sad that I was alone. I know the Hubs would be there if he could – he worked until 2 am, it’s not like he can take a couple mornings off right now! But I really wish he was there. I told him that via text during the procedure, and he replied “me too” which just made me cry even more. I finally calmed myself down by meditating. But now I’m at work – looking like I was crying before, and just feeling raw and exhausted.

Oh, and I have a question for you guys about sperm counts. When the Hubs first got his SA done in December, there was about 120 million, and they said it should be over 40. So we were happy – no issues with him. Then for the first IUI in January, the first day he had 12 million, and the second day he had 1 million. Granted there was only 24 hours between, but seemed very low, especially compared to the month before. And it worked – technically – I had an ectopic pregnancy – so obviously there were enough, but it still seemed low. Then today there was 17 million. The nurse said they want at least 3 million for an IUI, so we are good. I know these are ok numbers, and it’s enough to get the job done, but don’t you think it’s odd that they’ve dropped so much?

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful comments. I even got a few right at 9 this morning, and the emails I received notifying me of the comments were just awesome to receive right then. Thanks so much – all of you make this so much better!

We’re Cleared for Takeoff!

I went to my final monitoring appointment this morning, and we’re officially ready to go. I have three dominant follicles on my left side (nice work, lefty!) at 22mm, 21mm and 18mm. My lining is over 10. My estradiol is 853. All this equals the trigger shot tonight at 11:15 pm. And an IUI tomorrow morning at 9:00, which includings dropping off of the Hubs cup at 8:00, and another one on Friday morning at 10:45, also with drop off at 8. I told my boss yesterday that I have some doctor’s stuff going on Thursday and Friday, and he looked at me oddly, but I didn’t give him a chance to ask questions – just quickly changed the subject. I think this is the key with talking with him – always be prepared with another topic…


I am so excited for this to get done. Can I fast forward a few weeks and find out now? I have my beta scheduled for May 13. I know I don’t have any sperm at all inside me, but I’d like to know if I’ll get pregnant. Isn’t that reasonable?

I’m trying to focus on my positive attitude – this will work, and I need to minimize the stress. I’m going to concentrate on being calm for the next few days. Step one: a long hot bath tonight, as this is the last time I’ll be able to take a hot bath for a very long time. Oh, and maybe I’ll pick up some sushi to eat tonight…

Seriously?

Seriously? This is what my life has become?

Warning to all readers: we're about to talk about such lovely topics like our husbands... ahem, pleasuring themselves... So if you would like to continue to pretend that your husband does not, you probably should not continue reading.

I always knew the Hubs did his thing on his own occasionally, but we never discussed it...until we started talking sperm count! I remember the conversation when I was trying to count days till the sperm count and thinking about the times we had sex and how long we had to wait to get the S/A done, and the Hubs politely reminded me that I don't need to be there for ejaculation...

Anyhoo, I'm going into the RE tomorrow morning to see if we're on for an IUI on Thursday & Friday, and the Hubs is working late, like after midnight. So I'm left at home with my emotional overwrought self. And I start counting the days since we last had sex, and this month has not been pretty! The Hubs and I don't actually talk on the phone when he's at work since he's working next to a bunch of people, so I decide in my great wisdom to fire off a text:

"I know this isn't great conversation for a txt but u need to do ur thing to be ready for the iui tonite or tomorrow morning. Ok? I can help..."

At this point I can't believe I'm writing this, and feel horrified, so I'm trying to be flirty. Keep in mind he'll get home after midnight tonite & go in at 8 tomorrow morning. Anyway, I get no response. After awhile, I send a text saying: "honey?" and he says "what" and I say "just wanted a response I guess." And he says nothing. Now my feelings are hurt and I'm pouting. Keep in mind that I'm an emotional wreck due to the shots!

So I decide to go to bed, tell him goodnite over text, and turn off the lights. Suddenly I freak out - tonite or tomorrow night is too late! The IUI is likely Thursday! That won't give him enough time to make sperm! I start crying hysterically, I've wasted all this time money and effort and it's not going to work!

So I bust out the phone and send the Hubs the following text:
"When was the last time u jacked off? I'm sorry but I'm starting to count & I don't know if u should tonite. I think it's too close to the iui." And he responded "Sunday." Phew!!! All is well. He jacked off on Sunday!

And then I thought about how crazy my life his, the rollercoaster I can get on and ride up and down in one night. And how I'm so happy my husband jacked off...

Oh, and how I felt like I had to run to the computer and share this oh so personal story with the Internet! Seriously? This is my life?

Another Monitoring Update

First, thanks to everyone for their nice comments about my temper tantrum yesterday. Sometimes we all need to just whine for a little bit. Feeling much better today - it's amazing what a little makeup and activity will do for my spirit!

Just got off the phone with my blood work & monitoring results. My lining is almost at 9, and they said they like it over 8, so that's good. My left ovary is doing most of the work this month. It's pulled ahead, and I have three potential follies on my left: 17, 14 & 12 mm each. On my right, I now have one at 11 and 10 mm each. And my estradiol has risen to 529.

I'm supposed to keep my gonal-f at 75 each night, and keep doing the ganirelix (boo!!!), and go back in on Wednesday morning. They expect that I'll trigger that night, and do an IUI on Thursday, and another one on Friday!

I'm now in the stage where I don't feel very well - achy ovaries, bloating - and I'm nervous about getting this all done. I will need to tell my boss that I will be taking Thursday and Friday morning off. I hope he doesn't ask questions - he's not very good at boundaries. I ended up telling him about the miscarriage last time, just so I could take some time off and to explain the crying. But he doesn't know we're doing fertility treatments, and I really don't want to explain. I'm not really nervous about the procedure this time, as it went ok last time. But I just don't want to do it! Every day gets me closer to finding out if this will work, and although I'm still trying to maintain my positive attitude, and it works most of the time, it's just hard to stay upbeat. I have a few more days for these little ovaries to work, so I'm going to be chanting at them and my eggs for the next few days to keep growing!

I Miss Weekends

I miss weekends that are fun, when time goes by quickly. I had no plans this weekend, the Hubs was at work all weekend, and all I did was mope around. It's gorgeous outside, and I didn't go outside all weekend until this afternoon when I finally forced myself to sit outside this afternoon and read blogs on my laptop, as at least it got me out of my own head for awhile. I took a shower today - better than yesterday, but I didn't do my hair or my makeup or anything all weekend. I've had weekends like that before, and generally I consider those good times, as I like having downtime. But now, the last thing I need is downtime. I'm glad to go back to work tomorrow. Just to see people, and interact, and be forced to pretend that everything's fine. And do my hair and makeup - I think that will help!!!

I'm actually doing ok, just not really doing anything. I sit in front of the TV all day and cross stitch. I usually like doing it, but now I find it frustrating. You know what else is awful? Sitting outside and hearing all the sounds of suburbia, which is primarily kids playing and laughing. I'm alone in the backyard, with no children other than my pups... Why does anyone move to suburbia before kids???

On another note, I hate ganirelix. I hate the size of the needle - much bigger than the gonal-f. I hate the stinging for an hour after I did the shot. And I hate the welt and red mark I get on my increasingly fat stomach after the shot. I've only done one - last night - and I have a few more to look forward to - starting tonight.

Thanks for letting me vent... Now I will go inside, clean up a little, and do my nails or something - anything to pass the time before I can go to bed and start this craptastic week - the one that will include more shots, more monitoring appointments, and a couple IUI's. I hate those too...

If you can't have a temper tantrum on your own personal anonymous blog, where can you have it?

Monitoring Update

It’s CD9, and I have a whole lot of follies growing. I’m hoping that 1-3 take over, and some of them fall behind… On my left ovary, I have two follies at 12mm, one at 10mm, and lots under 10mm. On my right ovary, I have two follies at 10mm, one at 9 mm, and lots under 10mm that she didn’t count. My estradiol level is 243, which she said was good, but seems a little low based on my non-scientific research. I’m supposed to stay at 75 each night for the gonal-f, and then start the ganirelix shots tomorrow night. Then I go back in on Monday morning. I’m trying to stay positive, but the number of follies concern me a bit. They decreased my levels of gonal-f because last time I responded almost too fast, and that’s also why I’m adding ganirelix. I know they know what they’re doing, but it’s so hard to just trust them and put everything in their hands, you know?

Oh So Emotional!

I’m reached the point in the cycle where the hormone shots make me an absolute wreck. I’m still very positive, thinking it’s going to go well. And my mood is generally pretty darn good. But I can cry at the drop of a hat.

I’ve cried both yesterday and today watching the Today show. I really need to stop watching news – it’s sad! And the worst was last night when I was watching Parenthood. I don’t know why I started watching this show – it’s truly terrible for those of us who would give anything to be a parent. But it’s a really good show, and now I’m invested, so I’ll keep watching, I’m sure. There’s this guy on there that slept with someone 5 years ago, and didn’t know he now has a 5 year old son. The mom recently contacted him, and he’s now trying to be a good dad, even though he’s been living the crazy single life all his life. In last night’s episode (not really sure when it aired, I had it recorded), he got mad at the mom for robbing him of 5 years of his son’s life, and they had it out. But at the end, the mom played the video of their son’s birth for him, and it showed the dad tearing up watching it. I’m tearing up again thinking about it. But I didn’t just tear up last night – I sobbed. We’re talking about 10 minutes of bawling, sobbing, runny nose, the whole bit! Thank goodness the Hubs was at work – he really would have thought I lost it! I guess I really just needed to let it out and cry, but I hate feeling this way. I’m walking around today, feeling great, but I have that pressure behind my eyes, just waiting to spill over…

Last night’s acupuncture went really well. I feel bad, I think the guy is angry at me for doing an IUI and not waiting to see if he can get me pregnant without treatments. He asked me last night if an IUI was expensive. I said yes, and then he asked if acupuncture was expensive. I said yes…but after a bit I agreed that it was less than an IUI. He then said I was smart for figuring that out… Oh, and I fell in love with him a little after he accidently tickled my back while putting needles in. I flinched, and he said he was sorry – “you just have very tight skin, like a teenager…” I KNOW that’s not true, but I love him for it anyway!

I’ll update later when I get the blood work results, but the monitoring this morning went well – we are progressing nicely!

Hello, ICLW! -Updated-

I’m excited to spend some time and meet some new people this week – I definitely need the distraction. I’m on CD7 of my 2nd IUI cycle. I had an IUI in January, and it was a BFP, but it resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. My body and my head took a break, and we’re back on the IUI train. I’m trying to maintain my positive attitude this month, which is huge for me, as my attitude usually sucks. And if this IUI doesn’t work or it results in an ectopic, I think we’re moving on to IVF in the fall…

But this IUI WILL work!!! So… I had my first monitoring appointment this morning after four days of injections, and everything is looking good. My lining is at 7, and I have two follies at around 8 now, and lots of small follies, but she said we won’t be able to tell what’s really going on this early until they get my blood work. I’ll get the call this afternoon about my hormone levels and if we should change the medication levels. I have a feeling the dose will increase… I’ll update later with the plan. I’m still very positive about this cycle – this is the one!

Update from the Dr - everything looks good. Estradiol is at 164, which they say is good for right now. I'm supposed to stay at 75 units of Gonal F for the next two days, and then another appointment Friday morning!

Operation Positive Attitude

This month will be different. I’m going to do everything I can to maintain a positive attitude this month. I said last week that I will try to act as if this is the month, that this will work, and that in nine months, in early 2011, I will have a baby. I’m currently in the first half of my cycle, so it’s much easier to be in this positive mindset, and even if reality and success rates and such start creeping in later in the month, there are things I’m going to do to work on maintaining my positive attitude.

I’m continuing to meditate every day, go to therapy every week, and acupuncture every week. These things will help keep me going.

I’m thinking of stopping the temping this month. It’s gotten to be quite an easy habit, and I don’t mind doing it. But during the last IUI cycle, I don’t think it helped my mental attitude. After ovulating and the IUI, I would take my temp every morning, and then lay in bed, thinking about the temperature. Did it rise enough? Why isn’t it rising more? Oh no – it dropped a bit! What does this mean? Back when I was trying naturally, I think it helped to see the falling temps before AF showed up, as it would help me to be less surprised when the bitch finally showed, but I don’t know if it helped at all in the IUI. My temps were also very confusing given it was an IUI, and I was taking progesterone suppositories, and it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy, so I don’t think it helped, and it may have hurt the attitude… It’s not like I need the data from the temping as I’m giving control completely over to the doctors, but I always like knowing what’s going on with my body a little, and the temping helps me with that. Any thoughts from you ladies on this one?

Also, I need to cut down on the POAS when it gets closer. Last IUI cycle, I think I started testing every day around 9 days past IUI, and did it every day. I figured that if it was positive, I would want to know as soon as possible. But this was not healthy. I don’t think I can wait till the beta – don’t want to find out at work in the afternoon via a phone call, but maybe the morning of the beta I can test? Not sure what to do about this, but I need to make a plan in the next week or so, and stick to it. Maybe I can give the Hubs the tests, and have him hide them…

The shots are going well – I haven’t cried once! Last time I cried a little every time I gave myself a shot. I think I was mourning the loss of being able to get pregnant without help. This time I am ok with being an Infertile, or Subfertile, as I will call myself in my positive attitude spin of the month. I know that I need help, and that’s ok. The Hubs has been helpful too. For the last two nights, he has hung around and talked with me while I did the shots. He claims ignorance, so he hasn’t exactly helped with them, but it’s nice to have him there. I think I have to go back to doing them by myself starting tonight as he’ll be working late this week, but it was nice to have him around for a few days.

Any other thoughts about how I can help the attitude this month? I need all the help I can get! And thanks so much for all the amazing positive comments about this cycle – I REALLY appreciate the support!

It's a Go!

We have been officially cleared to move forward with the IUI. My ovaries look good: 8-9 potential follies on each side. The blood work all looks good. So I start stimming tomorrow with 75 units of Gonal F each night. Then go in on Wednesday for another check. Very excited to get this show on the road.

I'm trying a new approach this time. I'm trying to focus on thinking that this will be successful. Last time I tried to be very realistic, trying not to get too high of expectations and such. I don't think that helped. It was a rollercoaster even if I knew that it may not work, and it will be a roller coaster no matter what. So I'm going to try to have as much hope as possible this time. This will work - this is what I need to get pregnant, and stay pregnant. And I will be having a baby in January 2011! I will try as hard as I can to maintain this positive attitude throughout - I'm hoping this will get me through this process in the easiest way - wish me luck!

Finally!

AF is here - finally! I was starting to get a little worried, but she finally came to visit, and we can get this show on the road. I have an appointment in the morning for bloodwork & an ultrasound. And then the Hubs and I will sign consents to start another IUI with injections cycle. Very excited to get started and move forward! Right now, I have so much hope for this cycle to work. I just need to maintain my positive attitude, and keep working on all my coping skills that I've developed in the last few months - meditation, and continuing to go to therapy and acupuncture. Here's to the start of an awesome cycle, with a fabulous result at the end!

The ‘Rents

First, thank you for all of your comments about my Hubs and how we are working through this infertility stuff. I received such great advice and insights from your comments – you guys are going to help me through this, I know it!!! So good to have you in my life!!!! On to the ‘rents:

In the past couple of days, I’ve talked to four of the seven parents in my life. Yes it’s true, I have seven parents. There’s Dad (the guy that raised me) and Step-Mom (awesome, amazing woman), Mom (the woman that raised me) and Step-Dad (ok guy – he’s good to my mom, and pretty much ignores me, and we’re both fine with that situation), Birth Father (I talk to about 6 times a year for the last couple years but haven’t seen since I was 4 when I was adopted) and his wife (have never met or talked to her), and Birth Mother (haven’t talked to in a few years, haven’t seen since I was 4, but we exchange Christmas cards and pictures).

So now that we have my family tree straight, I talked to four parents lately, which is very rare for me. I talk with my Dad and Step-Mom very occasionally, but when I do, it’s really nice. I don’t think I’ve talked with them since January. But they’re both incredibly good to me, and so sweet when I talk with them on the phone. Dad has been cleaning stuff out, and he just sent me a package with tons of documents and pictures. There were some pictures that my Birth Father had sent my Dad, and lots of notes from both my Birth Father and my Birth Grandmother to my Dad, thanking him for the pictures of me that he had sent to them, and commenting on the news about my school studies, or other stuff in my life. It was really nice to receive, so I called my Dad to thank him for sending the package to me. I told him how much I appreciate it, and he was really nice. We chatted for a bit, and he was asking about what was going on. I told him for the first time that we are going through fertility treatments. He handled it really well, asked a couple vague questions, said he hoped it worked for me, that he was sure it was really tough, and then handed the phone to my Step-Mom. She hadn’t overheard my conversation with Dad, so I told her as well, and she was amazing. Just started gushing about how excited she was that we were doing this, and how she was going to pray and light candles for me, and I could call her anytime to talk or scream or whatever I needed. She truly is an amazing woman, and I’m so happy my dad decided to marry her and bring her in my life.

Then I called my Birth Father. We rarely talk, maybe every couple months, and it has been awhile. It is usually so very awkward when we talk. He is an artsy creative musical grown-up hippie kind of guy, and I’m an accountant. We have nothing in common. I grew up taking piano lessons, and got somewhat good at it, but I never really liked it. But he keeps grasping at this musical connection and urging me to buy a piano and take it up again. He’s always asking which composers I like and such, and I just fumble my way through the conversation. I feel really bad, because I want to have a relationship with him, and we’ve generally moved past the “I’m sorry I couldn’t take care of you – I was an alcoholic” and the awkward response of “It’s ok, it was a good life” conversation, but now we’re trying to develop a relationship. So hard. Anyway, I called him to tell him about the package Dad sent me, and to ask about my grandmother, his mother. So that was nice. It was a pretty short conversation, and he talked all about my grandmother – she lived for 97 years! I’m sad I didn’t start talking to my birth father until the last few years. When he tried to start talking with me originally during my early 20’s, I wasn’t really ready to talk to him, but my grandmother was still alive, and I could have seen her again. She took care of me for a bit before I was adopted…

So then last night I called my Mom. I’ve talked before about how we’ve always struggled, but things are kind of better. She’s trying to be supportive, and nice. But I still have to call her – she won’t call me, and I have to carry the conversation a lot of the times. But she warmed up last night and we talked for awhile. I’ve told her from the start of the fertility treatments what I was doing, and she was actually very nice and supportive during the last IUI, so I wanted to tell her I’m about to start another one so she would be involved. We got on the conversation of what we will do next if this IUI doesn’t work, and I told her about IVF. I told her a little about what it involved, and she asked about the cost, and I told her. Then she told me what she thought about it. And I’ll give her credit that she wasn’t going to tell me what she really thought, because she said she didn’t want me to think it was against me. Or that she wouldn’t support my decision. But I encouraged her to share her opinion, because I was curious. And I’ve come to the conclusion a LONG time ago that her opinion doesn’t really matter in my life, as I don’t need her approval. (but it sure would be nice… can’t believe I actually admitted that)

She thinks that any fertility treatments are against Mother Nature and God, that if God wanted me to have kids, that I would get pregnant naturally. That maybe God has a plan for me that doesn’t involve kids. I should just accept whatever happens naturally, because when I put my choice into something that is supposed to be natural, then it may have unintended consequences from going against God. Then I asked her about herself. She couldn’t get pregnant and therefore, she adopted me. That was her choice, and she didn’t go with what God gave her. She thought that was a good point, and instead of going with what God gives me, I should maybe adopt. I love how she can just change her mind based on whatever makes her look good. Plus she couldn’t imagine spending $15K on IVF, so I should adopt, which in her mind is much less expensive. I told her an approximate amount for adoption – don’t really know how much it is, but I seem to remember hearing something around $40K, and she was horrified. I reminded her that she adopted in 1979, and prices may have changed… The conversation actually went very well, she said again that she will support me in my decisions, and it was very pleasant. It was just interesting, considering how clueless she is, and how she doesn’t think about what she says.

Overall, my conversations went pretty well with all the parents. I need to figure out how to have a relationship with my birth father – he wants to see me – scares me just to think about it. And I need to talk to my dad and step-mom more often – they’re really great people, and it always makes me smile to talk to them. And my mom? I don’t know. I think we’re figuring out how to have a positive relationship, and I just need to accept that she may have different opinions, which of course is ok. And I need to accept that she just doesn’t make much sense, which is ok too!

On another note, AF still hasn’t shown her nasty face…

Hubs – Love Him, but GRRRRR!!!!

I had a long talk with my therapist last night about the Hubs. I’ve been reading all these posts and such about all these girls’ fabulous husbands, and how supportive they are, and how sweet they are with IF stuff, and blah blah blah… My Hubs is not like that. He wants children, he understands that we have to do infertility treatments, and he was even the one to push us to do IUI with injections instead of trying Clomid for a few months first. He looked at me after hearing the success rates for each, and said, “When have we ever done something half-assed?” And he’s right, usually when we do something, we jump in and do it completely, whole-heartedly, and ask questions later. Which has generally worked for us. I am very happy to have him around to help make decisions. He is pragmatic, and reasonable, and is great to have around in a crisis. But nobody would ever accuse the Hubs of being supportive…

Hubs won’t go to any doctor’s appointment unless I tell him I really need him there. My clinic does 2 IUI’s for each cycle – Hubs only went to one. Even for that one, he did his business in the cup at home, and I was the one that rushed to the clinic an hour away in rush hour, dropped it off, and hung out for a few hours by myself. He only showed up for the 15 minute procedure. He works absolutely crazy hours, and during the last cycle, he wasn’t there for most of the shots or anything. Even the times when he was home, and we were watching TV or something, I would get up to go give myself a shot and he would just stay there watching TV. And when it comes to handling my emotions, don’t even get me started – he’s a disaster. He doesn’t know what to say, which is fine, but I have to beg him to just hold me if I’m crying or something. But most of the time he gets so uncomfortable that I usually just hide in the bathroom or something if I’m upset. And don’t tell him that you’re upset about someone getting pregnant – he’ll say, “It’s not a race.” Or “Calm down.” Or “Relax.” That’s my favorite.

Yes, I know I’m just bitching right now, and he has a ton of very good qualities, and there’s a lot of reasons why I married him, and I’ve always known that he’s not the most emotional guy, but I just find him so darn frustrating! I talked all about this with my therapist last night, and she identified certain characteristics in him as an adult child of an alcoholic. I’m supposed to understand that he doesn’t like things to be out of his control because he never knew what to expect when his mom was drinking, and that’s why he hates it and is so uncomfortable when I’m upset. And that’s why he won’t commit to doing anything unless he really has to, which results in me begging. She said I was to go home last night and tell him that we should talk about the things we want to do different with this IUI cycle. So I did. I told him I would like it if he was more supportive, and examples of this would be that he would be there for my shots, even if I don’t need him to do anything. And that I would like some pampering, because what I'm going through is really tough, and it would help if he would try to be more supportive. He just rolled his eyes, and said grumpily “OK…” after complaining about how much he works. I reminded him that he told me earlier that work wasn’t our highest priority and we need to put these treatments as our highest priority right now… I asked him if he wanted anything different from me during this IUI cycle, and he just asked me to help him with his work. Which I said yes to, and then proceeded to help him with his work. I wonder if anything will be different this cycle...

Let’s Get Started, Already!!!

Although I was not expecting AF to show until later this week, my temps dropped significantly yesterday and have remained low. Also yesterday I discovered a plethora of acne (please remind me in a month that this is a sign of AF, not pregnancy…) and today I have unbelievable cramps. And I never ever have cramps like this, unless it’s day one of my period! I thought it was a bit early for me to be getting AF, but all the signs point to yes, except for the actual AF!!!

Why the F do I have to have cramps like this without starting AF??? The problem is once that bitch shows, I’ll still have cramps, and I always rely on having one or maybe two days of cramps – max. Now, I’m having a day of “pre-AF” cramps – bullshit, that’s what this is!!!!

On another note, I ordered the drugs for my IUI cycle. I have some left over from last cycle, so I ONLY had to spend $877 on meds this cycle instead of the almost $2K I spent last month, so that’s good I guess. Still pissed I have to spend anything at all – this all sucks.

Yes, I’m generally in a pissy mood, but at least I’m angry instead of sad…

Introducing the Pups!!!

I'm finally putting a picture up - here are Kodiak & Jackson, in the doghouse that Hubs built:

Meditation & Acupuncture

Today marks one week since I’ve been starting my day with mediation every day. Inspired by Tishi, I started out with 5 minutes, and I increased it to 10 minutes on Tuesday to participate in Tishi’s challenge. After one week, I can now report that this could very well be a life changing practice.

After meditating every morning, I feel calmer, more in control of my emotions, and generally better every day. And perhaps it's the increased oxygen from spending 10 minutes breathing very deeply, but I have a lot more energy. I’ve been waking up before my alarm the last couple of days, without being tired, which never happens for me. Also I’ve been able to move to decaf coffee for one of my two cups each day – next week I plan to go all decaf in time for the start of my period, and IUI cycle. So even though I question the effectiveness of my meditation while I’m actually doing it, as my thoughts continue to race, I think something’s working, and I plan to make this a life-long habit!

Then we have acupuncture. I’ve been going every week for about two months, and I love it! Even the Hubs has mentioned that I’m a lot less grumpy after I go, which for him helps justify the almost $400 per month price tag, especially considering he’s not a real believer in acupuncture. Overall, I can’t say enough good things about it! And then, there was last night’s session…

I felt great all day, my mood and energy were both good, and I went in for my weekly session. Dr. Kim asked how I was doing, and I told him, but then added that I have some tightness in my neck and shoulders, which I’ve had for a few days. So he said we were going to continue to work on the fertility stuff, and also do a little something for my pain in my neck and shoulders. I got on the table, face up, and he started inserting the needles. Normally I may feel a little zing here and there, and some spots are tenderer than others, but they’re not bad, and once the needles are in, there is no pain. Last night was very different. There were some spots right under my knees where he inserted needles, and I could feel a strong zing of electricity all the way through the soles of my feet! And he used some spots on my lower legs and feet that hurt much more than normal. But none of that compared to the two in my ears. I’ve had needles in my ears before, but they didn’t hurt like last night. And the pain didn’t subside!

When he left the room, I tried to use my meditation techniques and calm myself down, because my ears were hurting so bad. It took a long time, and then finally I fell asleep. I woke up a few minutes later, and my ears no longer hurt, but I felt weird. Dr. Kim came in, took the needles out, I got up and paid and left, but I still felt odd. I felt like I feel when I’m depressed, like a blanket of fogginess and despair was just thrown over me, and I couldn’t get out from underneath it. I drove home, found out that the Hubs had a work event so wasn’t coming home, and proceeded to get irrationally angry, and then ridiculously sad! I actually sat in my living room for an hour last night, and just cried! I don’t understand, I wasn’t actually sad about anything in particular, I just felt awful. Finally I went to bed, tried unsuccessfully to go to sleep before Hubs got home, and then told him when he got home that it was just best if we didn’t talk that night – not good…

I don’t know what it was, except it must have been the acupuncture in the pain points that are different from the fertility points releasing something. It was just so bizarre, feeling bad without having anything to feel bad about! Has anyone else experienced something like this with acupuncture?

I feel better today, and my neck and shoulders actually feel a lot better, so it must have worked. And I definitely will go back, but I hope this doesn’t happen again!

I'm an Official IF Mentor!

The day has come. All this painful stuff I've gone through and research I have done has finally paid off. And it wasn't just to drive myself and Hubs completely nuts.

My best friend in the whole wide world called me today. She has been there for me through this whole thing, and she knows what I've been through. I haven't told her all the dirty details because I know she's been TTC herself, and I didn't want to freak her out too much either. She started TTC last July, and she just turned 40 last week... I've been trying to gently encourage her to go to the doctor, but she hasn't taken the plunge. But she finally went to her OB/GYN, and afterwards, she called me.

She describes it as having that friend who is really good at cars, and you know nothing about cars. But after you go to the mechanic, you call your friend who understands everything about cars, and you run everything by them to make sure they don't think you're getting screwed. She said I'm that person to her, but for infertility... Makes me so happy and sad, all at the same time!

She gave me the rundown on what her doctor suggested (Clomid days 5-9, bloodwork on CD 3 & CD10, S/A for her hubby, no monitoring, no ultrasound at all!). And I was able to tell her my opinion, and give her a little peace of mind. Oh, and the doctor didn't mention a thing about side effects of Clomid, or increased chances of multiples, or anything... And the doc told her to throw away her OPK's. And don't worry about temping. I know we all have our own opinions, but I just want her to be treated well! I think after we talked that she's comfortable with this protocol for now, but I told her that she should only do this for a month and at the minimum she should insist on monitoring!

But it did make me very happy that I can help my friend through this tough time, and I can hopefully ease her mind a bit. Maybe this is why I've gone through all this, and now that I've gained enough knowledge to help my friend, I can finally get and stay pregnant! Right?????

I’m Jealous of Mice

I haven’t talked about work much, but I work in accounting at a biotech company. And I was reviewing some invoices this morning, and we’re charging other companies for IVF for mice. Guess how much we charge per attempt - $138! As you can see from my previous post, I’ve been researching IVF costs, and it’s nowhere near $138!!! You think I can get our labs to do IVF for me??? It’s funny – I am not a scientist, and I don’t understand much of what my company does, but since this IF stuff, I’ve understand so much more about what we do. I’m approving payments for IVF media, and pipettes and all the stuff involved. And one of the scientists requested that we budget for a machine that will do ICSI. I had to sit there and listen while he explained what ICSI does to help justify his budget since he figured I wouldn’t have a clue! Yeah, buddy, I know all about it… Oh, and an ICSI machine costs $16K…

On another note, I’m in a 2WW – I finally ovulated, or at least I think I did. I had a little EWCM, and my temps rose some, and Fertility Friend put in a tentative dotted line for ovulation. So if you believe FF’s dotted line, I’m 3PO, and AF will be here around April 16, and we’ll get the next IUI started! And if you don’t believe the dotted line and take out one of EWCM and just rely on temperatures, I’m 5DPO, and AF will be here around April 14 – I never was great at the charting thing… It’s kind of weird being in a 2WW with absolutely no chance of getting pregnant – unless of course the condom didn’t work… Oh what a crazy mind we IFers have – the fact that I actually thought what if the condom didn’t work just proves how insane I really am.

Now I have to look forward and think about this next IUI cycle. It will be different than the last one. This time, I won’t cry every night when I give myself an injection. Last time, I couldn’t get over the fact that I had to do fertility treatments – I mourned every night for the chance to get pregnant without treatments. This time, I will get up every morning and do meditation. Inspired by Tishi, I am joining in her 30 Day Meditation Challenge. I started meditating on Friday morning, 5 minutes every morning. And tomorrow morning to participate in her challenge, I will meditate for 10 minutes every morning. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, and I can’t shut off the stupid mind from going like crazy, but taking a little time out every morning for myself to be quiet has got to help! I’m going to exercise at least three times per week – didn’t do it last time. Now I don’t exercise hard or anything (usually I don’t exercise at all!) so I don’t think I’ll be over doing it or anything. But I think some light exercise will be very good for me – both my mind and my body. This time I will have acupuncture, which is awesome! (Love Dr. Kim!!!) And the best part of it all is this time I have my bloggy friends to help me through this! I’m going to try to take care of my head more than anything this cycle, which is really easy to say 2 weeks before it all starts…

No matter what, I’m feeling hope for this upcoming IUI. This helps more than anything…