I’m in a bad mood, and I need to get out of it. Things are going fine, but I just feel very grumpy today! I haven’t yelled at anyone – yet – but I really want to. But not for any good reason, I’m just super grumpy.
Other than that, things are fine. I have one week left. One week ago, I did the frozen transfer, and one week from today, I will find out if it took. I have so many feelings swirling around in my crazy head, I don’t even know how to handle them. I don’t know if I feel positive about whether the FET worked, or not. Depends on the minute (not even hour – it’s bad). I do know that I would normally have tested by now, and I haven’t. I have vowed to not pee on anything for these two weeks, and one week is down and I have honored this vow! But I know the hardest time is coming up…
I have all kinds of IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms). Nausea, feeling my breasts are big/tender, etc. I know most of this comes from the progesterone and estrogen that I’m taking. But I also know that even before I started taking all these drugs, I would have IPS. I would absolutely convince myself that I was pregnant, only to have a negative pee stick and eventually AF. I don’t believe that any symptoms prior to a positive test mean anything, and so I try as hard as I can to ignore them. They’re definitely not reliable!
I’ve been thinking a lot about my history, and my diagnoses. It’s all been kind of crap (yes, bad mood is sneaking in). There’s my infertility, and then there are my losses. They’re completely separate – maybe. In three years of trying (1 year in my 20’s, plus the last 2 years), I’ve been pregnant twice. Plus there have been plenty of times in my life that I haven’t been actively trying and haven’t really prevented either, and didn’t get pregnant. Out of countless cycles, I’ve been pregnant twice. One was ectopic, and the other was a miscarriage. As soon as I had the miscarriage in June, I started on this medical journey trying to explain the miscarriage, but I never really allowed for the concept of maybe it was just a fluke. One of those common miscarriages with no explanation. The reason for this is it was so heartbreaking to lose my baby after so much infertility, I want to do everything in my power to avoid a future miscarriage. And so I am doing everything I can – intralipids, Lovenox, aspirin… What else can I do?
I guess my point is I have two problems: infertility, and miscarriage. But miscarriage may not actually be a real problem. Yes, I’ve had one, but I don’t have a pattern of losses. I didn’t do the karyotyping (won’t make that mistake again), so I don’t really have an explanation. But I’ve been thinking lately that maybe it was a fluke. Maybe my baby had some kind of problem that caused it to die. Or maybe my body tried to kill it and the Lovenox and intralipids will help with that. But the real problem – the overwhelming problem – in my history is my lack of getting pregnant. So if I actually get pregnant with this FET, if for some reason one or both of those embryos latch on and stay, I need to be happy. Because then I will have succeeded at overcoming the really big problem – getting pregnant.
I have this strange feeling that at some point, this will actually work for me. I have no support for this feeling, as my history certainly doesn’t support it. But I feel like one day, I will give birth to a healthy baby. And that is the only thing that keeps me going. I just want it to happen soon before I go crazy…
And so I wait. One more week. I hope to keep my resolve up and not test before that blood test – oh, it will be hard. Thanks for listening to my rambles. Actually getting some of this out makes me feel better, I’m much less grumpy than when I started writing. And this is why I blog.
Speaking of blogging, yesterday marks one year since my first blog post. I had been watching a few blogs for awhile, and I went through the ectopic without much support. Somehow I knew I needed to tell my story, and make some infertile friends. Because I needed help, I really did. And all of you gave that to me. I feel so very lucky to have you ladies in my life. I can always count on you for some nice words, and for virtual hugs, and I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
It’s Done!
I finally made it through the week, and made it to a fabulous transfer of two beautiful embryos today. It went pretty well. It’s amazing how if you’ve gone through something before, it’s so much easier and much less scary. I just walked in there knowing the routine, and it was definitely easy. I wonder how easy it will be if I keep doing this! Jus t kidding – should try to stay more positive…
We, or I guess I should say I, decided on transferring two embryos. I sent the hubs all kinds of information about the risk of triplets, and he said that yes, it’s scary, but he still wanted to do three embryos. I kept trying to talk to him about it, trying to get him to see my point, but he didn’t. Finally he just told me that it’s my body, I get to make the decision, but he didn’t agree. And so it was. If this doesn’t work, I may go for three…
Last time I was so positive - just so sure it was going to work. And it didn’t. I’ve felt that with IUI’s, and with the IVF. And had overwhelming failure. But this time, I don’t know. I hate to admit that I feel a little hope, but not that much. Maybe that will get me through these two weeks a little easier. Who knows?
A friend in real life told me she heard about the pineapple thing, and then one of the nurses at the office today told me about it, and so, here I am, eating pineapple. Eating one-fourth of a pineapple, including the core, every day for four days, starting the day of transfer. There’s some kind of enzyme in there that is supposed to help with implantation. I always thought it was kind of bogus, but now I’m willing to do just about anything… Aren’t we all?
So here I am, on bed rest until Monday morning, hoping these two little guys grab on and hold on tightly. I have a fabulous weekend planned of cross stitch, organizing paperwork, tax return, and movies. I went to the grocery store this morning and got all kinds of healthy snacks and good food. And the friend that is staying with us and is an amazing cook, and has offered to make dinner sometime this weekend, so that will be nice. They just left for an evening out, which is just fine. I still feel a little off from the Valium (fabulous drug, by the way).
I hope the next two weeks until the beta will go quickly. I still have a lot of work to do, I’m hosting a baby shower next weekend, and the hubs is having outpatient surgery during that time. So I hope all this will keep me distracted, so I can achieve my number one goal: no peeing on anything! For the first time ever, I’m going to try really hard not to pee on ANYTHING!!!! Because I’ve learned nothing good can come from peeing – Nothing! (Yes, I’m trying to convince myself as well…)
So I’ll sign off and start my first order of business for bedrest – reading blogs! I’m so behind! Can’t wait to hear what you lovely ladies are up to…
We, or I guess I should say I, decided on transferring two embryos. I sent the hubs all kinds of information about the risk of triplets, and he said that yes, it’s scary, but he still wanted to do three embryos. I kept trying to talk to him about it, trying to get him to see my point, but he didn’t. Finally he just told me that it’s my body, I get to make the decision, but he didn’t agree. And so it was. If this doesn’t work, I may go for three…
Last time I was so positive - just so sure it was going to work. And it didn’t. I’ve felt that with IUI’s, and with the IVF. And had overwhelming failure. But this time, I don’t know. I hate to admit that I feel a little hope, but not that much. Maybe that will get me through these two weeks a little easier. Who knows?
A friend in real life told me she heard about the pineapple thing, and then one of the nurses at the office today told me about it, and so, here I am, eating pineapple. Eating one-fourth of a pineapple, including the core, every day for four days, starting the day of transfer. There’s some kind of enzyme in there that is supposed to help with implantation. I always thought it was kind of bogus, but now I’m willing to do just about anything… Aren’t we all?
So here I am, on bed rest until Monday morning, hoping these two little guys grab on and hold on tightly. I have a fabulous weekend planned of cross stitch, organizing paperwork, tax return, and movies. I went to the grocery store this morning and got all kinds of healthy snacks and good food. And the friend that is staying with us and is an amazing cook, and has offered to make dinner sometime this weekend, so that will be nice. They just left for an evening out, which is just fine. I still feel a little off from the Valium (fabulous drug, by the way).
I hope the next two weeks until the beta will go quickly. I still have a lot of work to do, I’m hosting a baby shower next weekend, and the hubs is having outpatient surgery during that time. So I hope all this will keep me distracted, so I can achieve my number one goal: no peeing on anything! For the first time ever, I’m going to try really hard not to pee on ANYTHING!!!! Because I’ve learned nothing good can come from peeing – Nothing! (Yes, I’m trying to convince myself as well…)
So I’ll sign off and start my first order of business for bedrest – reading blogs! I’m so behind! Can’t wait to hear what you lovely ladies are up to…
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I Hate Progesterone
I don’t know why I forget. But every time I take progesterone, I remember that I hate it SO MUCH! I think it’s because I only hate it for a few days, and then I get over it. But a few days after I start taking it, my body freaks out - bad.
I started taking Crinone 8% on Sunday, twice per day. In an FET cycle, the ovaries are pretty much shut down, so they don’t create estrogen or progesterone like they’re supposed to. I’ve been taking estrogen via pills and patches for a couple weeks now, and then I added progesterone. I was fine the first couple days, but last night I was not fine!
I spent from about 3 – 5 am clutching my belly, going back and forth between the bathroom and bed, but not being effective in my bathroom time… I didn’t feel constipated, but I just felt pain and nausea. It hurt so bad – unlike any kind of pain I’ve ever had. Finally about 5 am it subsided a little, and I was able to sleep a little, but only if I was on my stomach in a contorted position and didn’t move. I feel somewhat better today, and I pooped a little after downing a bunch of Metamucil and oatmeal. But I really hope I feel better soon. At least by Friday – the FET Time!!!
I’m so stressed at work. We have a huge deadline of getting some stuff out to the Board of Directors at work for their meeting next week. I told everyone including my bosses that we had to get everything out by the end of the day tomorrow (Thursday). And then my head boss pushed – can’t we send it out on Friday? Um yes, but I won’t be here on Friday to supervise the process of sending it out. So now I have to write detailed lists to people on what exactly to do to get this information to the Board. Yes, I’m a control freak. But this is the Board – it has to be perfect! And do I trust my immediate boss or the guy that works for me to get it right? I don’t know… I wish I was going to be here to do it. And I have a list a mile long of things that need to be done by the time I leave work tomorrow. Oh, and the hubs and I need to move furniture, wash sheets, and clean the house tonight before a friend of ours comes to stay for a week tomorrow. Seriously??? Sometimes it seems like it’s all too much.
Oh yeah, and the hubs told our friend that’s coming that we could go out to dinner with a bunch of people on Saturday night. I had to remind him that I would be on bed rest – sure he could go, but I would be flat on my back. Where have you been, dear hubs? We’ve done this before – no, I can’t just run out and have dinner, silly! Did you forget about all this? Men - ugh!
All I have to say is my body better get used to the progesterone very soon. I will keep drinking the Metamucil and such, and hopefully I won’t have another painful night…
I started taking Crinone 8% on Sunday, twice per day. In an FET cycle, the ovaries are pretty much shut down, so they don’t create estrogen or progesterone like they’re supposed to. I’ve been taking estrogen via pills and patches for a couple weeks now, and then I added progesterone. I was fine the first couple days, but last night I was not fine!
I spent from about 3 – 5 am clutching my belly, going back and forth between the bathroom and bed, but not being effective in my bathroom time… I didn’t feel constipated, but I just felt pain and nausea. It hurt so bad – unlike any kind of pain I’ve ever had. Finally about 5 am it subsided a little, and I was able to sleep a little, but only if I was on my stomach in a contorted position and didn’t move. I feel somewhat better today, and I pooped a little after downing a bunch of Metamucil and oatmeal. But I really hope I feel better soon. At least by Friday – the FET Time!!!
I’m so stressed at work. We have a huge deadline of getting some stuff out to the Board of Directors at work for their meeting next week. I told everyone including my bosses that we had to get everything out by the end of the day tomorrow (Thursday). And then my head boss pushed – can’t we send it out on Friday? Um yes, but I won’t be here on Friday to supervise the process of sending it out. So now I have to write detailed lists to people on what exactly to do to get this information to the Board. Yes, I’m a control freak. But this is the Board – it has to be perfect! And do I trust my immediate boss or the guy that works for me to get it right? I don’t know… I wish I was going to be here to do it. And I have a list a mile long of things that need to be done by the time I leave work tomorrow. Oh, and the hubs and I need to move furniture, wash sheets, and clean the house tonight before a friend of ours comes to stay for a week tomorrow. Seriously??? Sometimes it seems like it’s all too much.
Oh yeah, and the hubs told our friend that’s coming that we could go out to dinner with a bunch of people on Saturday night. I had to remind him that I would be on bed rest – sure he could go, but I would be flat on my back. Where have you been, dear hubs? We’ve done this before – no, I can’t just run out and have dinner, silly! Did you forget about all this? Men - ugh!
All I have to say is my body better get used to the progesterone very soon. I will keep drinking the Metamucil and such, and hopefully I won’t have another painful night…
Monday, February 21, 2011
Coming Up for Air
I feel like I’m coming up for air for the first time in awhile. Things at work are finally slowing down – a bit. I forgot to mention here that we’ve been remodeling at home for the last couple months as well – crazy! But the new carpet is coming today, and that’s the almost final step in the process – all the paint and everything had to be done before the carpet. Plus I’m not allowed to paint anymore after the transfer on Friday…
But things are good. I’m finally trying to think positively about the transfer coming up. It’s weird – I’ve been so incredibly out of it as far as anticipation and excitement for this FET. But it’s coming up faster than I thought – holy crap – it’s almost here. I have so much ambivalence – and fear – about doing this again. I got to the point last week that I really didn’t want to do it. Why can’t we just live without children? I don’t want to go through all the fear and worry of being pregnant. It’s not going to be this magical time that other people get to experience, it’s just not! Why would I want to do this?
I talked for awhile on Friday with my therapist about this. She told me I need to keep telling myself that it’s ok to have the fear. And that I don’t have to continue with the treatments if I don’t want to. I think having someone tell me I don’t have to do it helped. Because my first reaction was that I wanted to do the FET! Maybe receiving permission to quit helped me realize that I didn’t want to quit – yet. I wonder how many more times I can do this. At what point will I stop? The hubs would keep going and going if it were up to him. But it’s not – I get to call most of the shots when it comes to treatments, as it’s my body. I definitely would use all the embryos we have frozen, but would I do another fresh cycle? I don’t know. I can’t really think that far.
I have to say, a frozen cycle is much easier than a fresh cycle. I went in on Friday for another check – my lining is over 13 mm! I started on progesterone yesterday – doing the Crinone gel – gross. And I didn’t realize that I will be on estrogen pills and patches as well as the progesterone until approximately 9 weeks. If I get that far… But overall it’s pretty easy to do this frozen cycle. No more appointments until Friday’s transfer. And then three days of bedrest – which I’m definitely looking forward to.
I got mad at my nurse on Friday. As we were finishing up the ultrasound, she mentioned that another patient was there early who is having a frozen transfer the day before me. The other patient brought up that her estimated due date is around 11/11/11. Are you f’ing kidding me? I didn’t need that kind of information! I still haven’t really figured out the real due date, and it’s WAY too early to start thinking like that. I guess the nurse is excited for me, and wants me to be excited too. Seriously, after seeing her since November 2009 (ugh!), you would think she would stop getting excited. I hate being the patient that knows everyone in the RE’s office…
Wow, got a little grumpy there. I’m actually doing just fine - mostly. It just seems very surreal that I’m going to be knocked up again on Friday. Just a few days away!
But things are good. I’m finally trying to think positively about the transfer coming up. It’s weird – I’ve been so incredibly out of it as far as anticipation and excitement for this FET. But it’s coming up faster than I thought – holy crap – it’s almost here. I have so much ambivalence – and fear – about doing this again. I got to the point last week that I really didn’t want to do it. Why can’t we just live without children? I don’t want to go through all the fear and worry of being pregnant. It’s not going to be this magical time that other people get to experience, it’s just not! Why would I want to do this?
I talked for awhile on Friday with my therapist about this. She told me I need to keep telling myself that it’s ok to have the fear. And that I don’t have to continue with the treatments if I don’t want to. I think having someone tell me I don’t have to do it helped. Because my first reaction was that I wanted to do the FET! Maybe receiving permission to quit helped me realize that I didn’t want to quit – yet. I wonder how many more times I can do this. At what point will I stop? The hubs would keep going and going if it were up to him. But it’s not – I get to call most of the shots when it comes to treatments, as it’s my body. I definitely would use all the embryos we have frozen, but would I do another fresh cycle? I don’t know. I can’t really think that far.
I have to say, a frozen cycle is much easier than a fresh cycle. I went in on Friday for another check – my lining is over 13 mm! I started on progesterone yesterday – doing the Crinone gel – gross. And I didn’t realize that I will be on estrogen pills and patches as well as the progesterone until approximately 9 weeks. If I get that far… But overall it’s pretty easy to do this frozen cycle. No more appointments until Friday’s transfer. And then three days of bedrest – which I’m definitely looking forward to.
I got mad at my nurse on Friday. As we were finishing up the ultrasound, she mentioned that another patient was there early who is having a frozen transfer the day before me. The other patient brought up that her estimated due date is around 11/11/11. Are you f’ing kidding me? I didn’t need that kind of information! I still haven’t really figured out the real due date, and it’s WAY too early to start thinking like that. I guess the nurse is excited for me, and wants me to be excited too. Seriously, after seeing her since November 2009 (ugh!), you would think she would stop getting excited. I hate being the patient that knows everyone in the RE’s office…
Wow, got a little grumpy there. I’m actually doing just fine - mostly. It just seems very surreal that I’m going to be knocked up again on Friday. Just a few days away!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Fattening Up
Here I am, fattening up. Currently receiving my intralipid infusion at home - supposed to be 7-10 days prior to the transfer, and the transfer is 8 days from today! Holy shit, when did that happen? Kind of snuck up on me! So I'm getting my infusion, wondering how this bag of fatty goodness is supposed to make my body not kill a baby. Seriously, how does this work? They say because I have elevated natural killer cells that intralipids will help and decrease my chance of a miscarriage and increase my chances of implantation. I don't get it, and yet this is what I do. I have the fat dripping into my veins, hoping for some sort of protection.
I went into the doc on Tuesday for ultrasound and blood work, and everything looks good. My lining is thick - over 8 mm. I go back in tomorrow for another check, I'll likely start the progesterone on Sunday, and then transfer on Friday.
I can't believe I'm here again. I'm starting to slow down a little at work, and that allows me time to think - not always a good thing. I'm petrified of getting pregnant. Can't I just have a baby? Why do I have to go through all the pregnancy stuff and all the worry and fear that comes with it? I'd really rather not do it! And instead, I'm doing everything I can do live out my biggest fear- getting pregnant! How rational is this? Oh well, guess I threw rational out the window a very long time ago. C'mon, what kind of rational woman puts oil and other fats in their body via an IV???
I went into the doc on Tuesday for ultrasound and blood work, and everything looks good. My lining is thick - over 8 mm. I go back in tomorrow for another check, I'll likely start the progesterone on Sunday, and then transfer on Friday.
I can't believe I'm here again. I'm starting to slow down a little at work, and that allows me time to think - not always a good thing. I'm petrified of getting pregnant. Can't I just have a baby? Why do I have to go through all the pregnancy stuff and all the worry and fear that comes with it? I'd really rather not do it! And instead, I'm doing everything I can do live out my biggest fear- getting pregnant! How rational is this? Oh well, guess I threw rational out the window a very long time ago. C'mon, what kind of rational woman puts oil and other fats in their body via an IV???
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Just Not Feeling It
I feel like I haven’t been here in ages, but I’ve been so out of it lately… It’s Saturday evening, I’ve been at work since 8am (Ugh!), will probably be back tomorrow, and I’ve been working like crazy all week – even had a couple 1 am nights… I haven’t worked like this in forever – feel like I’m in public accounting again! I thought I was supposed to be a recovered workaholic! The good news is I still have a job and I didn’t lose anyone that reports to me in my department. The bad news is we have some crazy things accounting-wise going on and it’s yearend… Plus some additional projects – you know, like projecting the savings from the layoffs... And we’re closing down the accounting department at a major subsidiary and me and my group get to take on additional work – fabulous. So needless to say, I’ve been crazy busy, and I’m not sure if it’s going to get better, at least for the next week or so…
But that’s my job life, and what you really want to know about is my TTC life, right? I know, it’s the only thing worth discussing… :) The FET is officially on. I went in on Tuesday to the doc, and the cyst or big follicle or whatever it was is now gone, my levels are suppressed from the BCP, and I’m cleared to start estrogen pills and patches. I go back in on Tuesday to see what’s going on with my lining, and we’re scheduled for a transfer on February 25. Wow – less than two weeks, it doesn’t seem real that we’re going to do this again. I have to say, the break has been good.
My last post was pretty depressing, and I have to thank all of you for your lovely comments. You truly are such wonderful support to me. You understand me in a way that nobody else can, and I’m happy to report that I’m feeling better. Just so freaking tired. Frankly, all this work stuff is so distracting that I don’t even have time to feel depressed! Just kidding, I know it doesn’t work that way, but I really am feeling better. Just trying to keep going, one foot at a time.
I’m very sad to report that my best friend’s IVF and subsequent (chemical – although I hate that word) pregnancy is now officially over. Her betas kept rising, but at really pitiful rates and numbers, and so finally a few days ago, they stopped the PIO and she’ll likely miscarry. I’m now hoping that this is over for her quickly, and her levels start decreasing, as I really don’t want her to have to deal with an ectopic. We were talking the other day – how is it that both of us had failed IVF’s? Seriously, how did this happen??? This makes me very angry…
But things are ok – hopefully by next weekend I’ll be over the major hump with work, and things will slow down in time for the FET. I HOPE!!! And I have a little hope for the FET working, but not a ton. I’m just not feeling it this time…
But that’s my job life, and what you really want to know about is my TTC life, right? I know, it’s the only thing worth discussing… :) The FET is officially on. I went in on Tuesday to the doc, and the cyst or big follicle or whatever it was is now gone, my levels are suppressed from the BCP, and I’m cleared to start estrogen pills and patches. I go back in on Tuesday to see what’s going on with my lining, and we’re scheduled for a transfer on February 25. Wow – less than two weeks, it doesn’t seem real that we’re going to do this again. I have to say, the break has been good.
My last post was pretty depressing, and I have to thank all of you for your lovely comments. You truly are such wonderful support to me. You understand me in a way that nobody else can, and I’m happy to report that I’m feeling better. Just so freaking tired. Frankly, all this work stuff is so distracting that I don’t even have time to feel depressed! Just kidding, I know it doesn’t work that way, but I really am feeling better. Just trying to keep going, one foot at a time.
I’m very sad to report that my best friend’s IVF and subsequent (chemical – although I hate that word) pregnancy is now officially over. Her betas kept rising, but at really pitiful rates and numbers, and so finally a few days ago, they stopped the PIO and she’ll likely miscarry. I’m now hoping that this is over for her quickly, and her levels start decreasing, as I really don’t want her to have to deal with an ectopic. We were talking the other day – how is it that both of us had failed IVF’s? Seriously, how did this happen??? This makes me very angry…
But things are ok – hopefully by next weekend I’ll be over the major hump with work, and things will slow down in time for the FET. I HOPE!!! And I have a little hope for the FET working, but not a ton. I’m just not feeling it this time…
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Do You Ever Have Those Days?
Or those weeks? I cannot get happy this week. I don’t know what it is – it’s everything, really. It occurred to me two days ago as I listened to mommies everywhere – it’s never going to happen, I’m not going to be a mother. I’m watching my best friend go through beta after IVF hell. I’ve started to plan my friend’s baby shower for her twins. We’re announcing layoffs today and I’ve been in conversations all week about which of my people we’re letting go. My parents were here last weekend and I’m tired of hearing about how brave I am and it’s ok to give up the fertility fight. I’m just exhausted – everything is too much.
Best Friend: Retrieval was January 13, and her first beta was January 26, so 13 days later. It was 7. Two days later it was 10. Tuesday February 1 it was 26. They’re telling her there’s still a chance, but it’s not looking good. She goes back on Saturday. I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone, and especially my friend. She’s handling it amazingly well, with a little humor. She’s such an inspiration with her attitude. I try to be positive with her, but in my heart I know these numbers are bad, and there’s very little hope. Breaks my heart – I feel like I’m going through it with her.
Baby Shower: My good friend, the one that I cried in the bathroom for 30 minutes after finding out she accidentally got pregnant – again. The one who sits right outside my office, talking about her twin pregnancy constantly, the one who rubs her belly constantly – SHE WILL NOT STOP!!! And also the one who has been there for me every step on this fertility journey. Anyway, as soon as she found out she was having twins, I offered to organize a shower for her. Usually I scoff at showers for second babies, but because it’s twins, and they really don’t have much money, I think she should have a shower. I offered before I did IVF – didn’t even occur to me that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. She offered to do it at her house as she may or may not be on bed rest, so at least I don’t have to do that. And to give her complete credit, she recently asked very pointedly if I still wanted to do the shower – if it would be too much for me to handle. And I said I wanted to do it. So this is my choice. There really won’t be much for me to do, it will be very simple, but still, I can’t imagine how painful this will be. We were figuring out dates, and she really wanted it March 12. That would be the day after my beta for the FET, assuming the current schedule holds up. I asked her to change it to a week earlier – I can’t imagine finding out I’m not pregnant, and then hosting a baby shower the next day… So it will be during the 2WW. At least that will be easier than right after beta… Stay tuned…
Layoffs today: It’s going to suck – enough said.
Parents: My dad and step-mom were here last weekend, and they were great. They are so supportive and asked about what we are doing in the process. They kept talking about how brave we were, and how happy we seemed, and how everything was wonderful. I just sat there nodding and saying thanks, but in my head I was screaming. How do they not know the pain I’m going through? Why can’t I share it with them? Don’t they know how hard this is? And of course they know – that’s why they were saying what they were saying. It just was a weird experience. All I wanted to do was melt and start crying, and instead I looked happy and went along with the farce. My dad kept talking about how easy the adoption process could be – all you have to do is find someone who wants to give up their baby and just do a private adoption! Yes dad, I’m glad that’s how you remember it, but my mom remembers it being a lot more difficult. And I was 4 years old when I was adopted – perhaps that was easier logistically. But a baby… A little more difficult to find. He kept encouraging me to stop the fertility treatments and simply adopt. If only it was that simple.
And the worst part is this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I don’t know why – I should be starting the FET process next week, assuming the BCP’s have done what they’re supposed to do, and the doc says I have good chances. But I just have this feeling it’s not going to work. I wish I were more positive, and maybe I’ll get better once I get into the process. But I feel very discouraged and overwhelmed, not understanding why we’re even trying. I know we will, and I feel like we have to keep trying because I don’t want to feel any sense of regret for not trying, but for some reason, this week I feel like it’s futile.
I keep trying to pretend to be happy, but I feel this sadness coming over me. I can fake it most of the day but every once in awhile it just overwhelms me, and I have to talk myself out of it. I want to break down, but I can’t. I have to keep going – I have too much to do, and have to get through this layoff announcement, and just keep going. I hope I have some time by myself this weekend, but I fear that the hubs will want to work on the house or something. And all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I know I’ll feel better at some point, and I’ll be back to my positive self soon. But I’ve had depression in the past, and one of the things I’m supposed to do when I’m feeling depressed is acknowledge my feelings. So here I am, acknowledging that today, I feel depressed. Thanks for letting me share.
Best Friend: Retrieval was January 13, and her first beta was January 26, so 13 days later. It was 7. Two days later it was 10. Tuesday February 1 it was 26. They’re telling her there’s still a chance, but it’s not looking good. She goes back on Saturday. I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone, and especially my friend. She’s handling it amazingly well, with a little humor. She’s such an inspiration with her attitude. I try to be positive with her, but in my heart I know these numbers are bad, and there’s very little hope. Breaks my heart – I feel like I’m going through it with her.
Baby Shower: My good friend, the one that I cried in the bathroom for 30 minutes after finding out she accidentally got pregnant – again. The one who sits right outside my office, talking about her twin pregnancy constantly, the one who rubs her belly constantly – SHE WILL NOT STOP!!! And also the one who has been there for me every step on this fertility journey. Anyway, as soon as she found out she was having twins, I offered to organize a shower for her. Usually I scoff at showers for second babies, but because it’s twins, and they really don’t have much money, I think she should have a shower. I offered before I did IVF – didn’t even occur to me that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. She offered to do it at her house as she may or may not be on bed rest, so at least I don’t have to do that. And to give her complete credit, she recently asked very pointedly if I still wanted to do the shower – if it would be too much for me to handle. And I said I wanted to do it. So this is my choice. There really won’t be much for me to do, it will be very simple, but still, I can’t imagine how painful this will be. We were figuring out dates, and she really wanted it March 12. That would be the day after my beta for the FET, assuming the current schedule holds up. I asked her to change it to a week earlier – I can’t imagine finding out I’m not pregnant, and then hosting a baby shower the next day… So it will be during the 2WW. At least that will be easier than right after beta… Stay tuned…
Layoffs today: It’s going to suck – enough said.
Parents: My dad and step-mom were here last weekend, and they were great. They are so supportive and asked about what we are doing in the process. They kept talking about how brave we were, and how happy we seemed, and how everything was wonderful. I just sat there nodding and saying thanks, but in my head I was screaming. How do they not know the pain I’m going through? Why can’t I share it with them? Don’t they know how hard this is? And of course they know – that’s why they were saying what they were saying. It just was a weird experience. All I wanted to do was melt and start crying, and instead I looked happy and went along with the farce. My dad kept talking about how easy the adoption process could be – all you have to do is find someone who wants to give up their baby and just do a private adoption! Yes dad, I’m glad that’s how you remember it, but my mom remembers it being a lot more difficult. And I was 4 years old when I was adopted – perhaps that was easier logistically. But a baby… A little more difficult to find. He kept encouraging me to stop the fertility treatments and simply adopt. If only it was that simple.
And the worst part is this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I don’t know why – I should be starting the FET process next week, assuming the BCP’s have done what they’re supposed to do, and the doc says I have good chances. But I just have this feeling it’s not going to work. I wish I were more positive, and maybe I’ll get better once I get into the process. But I feel very discouraged and overwhelmed, not understanding why we’re even trying. I know we will, and I feel like we have to keep trying because I don’t want to feel any sense of regret for not trying, but for some reason, this week I feel like it’s futile.
I keep trying to pretend to be happy, but I feel this sadness coming over me. I can fake it most of the day but every once in awhile it just overwhelms me, and I have to talk myself out of it. I want to break down, but I can’t. I have to keep going – I have too much to do, and have to get through this layoff announcement, and just keep going. I hope I have some time by myself this weekend, but I fear that the hubs will want to work on the house or something. And all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I know I’ll feel better at some point, and I’ll be back to my positive self soon. But I’ve had depression in the past, and one of the things I’m supposed to do when I’m feeling depressed is acknowledge my feelings. So here I am, acknowledging that today, I feel depressed. Thanks for letting me share.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
FET – Postponed
First, I want to thank you all so very much for the sweet comments about my little one’s due date coming and going. You are the only people in my life that get it. You understand what it’s like to long for someone who isn’t there, and have it cloud everything in your life. So thank you, I cherish each and every one of you.
On Tuesday, I not only had the due date of my baby, but I also had an ultrasound and blood work to determine how I was reacting to the Lupron. It had been eight days since I started the Lupron, so they expected me to be nice and suppressed, and started my period already or very soon. In the ultrasound, they could tell that something was wrong. I had a beautiful follicle developing, about 15 mm! This isn’t supposed to be there! The nurse said that the blood work will tell us what’s really going on, and they’ll let me know what to do. Well, the blood work shows my hormones were raised, not suppressed. They expected the estradiol to be below 60, and instead it was 308. Basically I had the complete opposite reaction to Lupron than most people – instead of getting my period and suppressing everything, it stimulated everything and I was about to ovulate! I was instructed to stop taking Lupron, and start BCP’s. Hopefully these will suppress me sufficiently, and I will be able to start the estrogen patches and pills in 2 weeks when I go back, and do the FET on or around February 25. Which would be awesome (not exactly) – we have a friend coming and staying with us for a week, and he’ll be here during my three days of bed rest. Oh well, you do what you have to do, right? I told the hubs he could have a guy’s weekend – kind of. He reminded me that coming home to a lonely emotional woman stuck in bed is not the ideal guy’s weekend…
The hubs is more concerned than me about the Lupron reaction, it seems. He keeps asking why I reacted this way to Lupron, and I have no answers. I’ve done a little googling, and I can’t find any other stories of people stimulating on Lupron. This doesn’t make him happy. We probably should ask the doctor, but it takes a few weeks to get an actual appointment with the doc, and I’d rather wait to see if the BCP’s suppress me enough. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t do the BCP’s first before Lupron, because I was impatient and just wanted to go forward with the FET. Who knows. I’m just glad to be off Lupron – I am not a fan! I was feeling all kinds of rage (I yelled at the remote control on Saturday), and it gave me huge headaches and I couldn’t sleep. Last night was my first decent night of sleep in a week – it was wonderful!
I’m annoyed about the two week delay, but not that upset. Another two weeks where I can live my life, and not stress or freak out, and not worry? Doesn’t sound so bad. Awful, isn’t it? This is where I am, I feel like I’m in a huge rush to have a baby, and yet I don’t really want to do it, because it’s just so darn hard!
On Tuesday, I not only had the due date of my baby, but I also had an ultrasound and blood work to determine how I was reacting to the Lupron. It had been eight days since I started the Lupron, so they expected me to be nice and suppressed, and started my period already or very soon. In the ultrasound, they could tell that something was wrong. I had a beautiful follicle developing, about 15 mm! This isn’t supposed to be there! The nurse said that the blood work will tell us what’s really going on, and they’ll let me know what to do. Well, the blood work shows my hormones were raised, not suppressed. They expected the estradiol to be below 60, and instead it was 308. Basically I had the complete opposite reaction to Lupron than most people – instead of getting my period and suppressing everything, it stimulated everything and I was about to ovulate! I was instructed to stop taking Lupron, and start BCP’s. Hopefully these will suppress me sufficiently, and I will be able to start the estrogen patches and pills in 2 weeks when I go back, and do the FET on or around February 25. Which would be awesome (not exactly) – we have a friend coming and staying with us for a week, and he’ll be here during my three days of bed rest. Oh well, you do what you have to do, right? I told the hubs he could have a guy’s weekend – kind of. He reminded me that coming home to a lonely emotional woman stuck in bed is not the ideal guy’s weekend…
The hubs is more concerned than me about the Lupron reaction, it seems. He keeps asking why I reacted this way to Lupron, and I have no answers. I’ve done a little googling, and I can’t find any other stories of people stimulating on Lupron. This doesn’t make him happy. We probably should ask the doctor, but it takes a few weeks to get an actual appointment with the doc, and I’d rather wait to see if the BCP’s suppress me enough. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t do the BCP’s first before Lupron, because I was impatient and just wanted to go forward with the FET. Who knows. I’m just glad to be off Lupron – I am not a fan! I was feeling all kinds of rage (I yelled at the remote control on Saturday), and it gave me huge headaches and I couldn’t sleep. Last night was my first decent night of sleep in a week – it was wonderful!
I’m annoyed about the two week delay, but not that upset. Another two weeks where I can live my life, and not stress or freak out, and not worry? Doesn’t sound so bad. Awful, isn’t it? This is where I am, I feel like I’m in a huge rush to have a baby, and yet I don’t really want to do it, because it’s just so darn hard!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Missing You
Today is the due date of my baby that I lost in June. I had five wonderful weeks with my little one – five weeks from the time I got my BFP to the time I had the ultrasound and there no longer was a heartbeat. My baby died at 8 ½ weeks, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t remember him.
I wish I could go back, I wish I could relive that time. I’m afraid that I never will have a time of pure and complete joy in another pregnancy. Because now I know what can happen. After I knew it wasn’t ectopic like my first, I was thrilled beyond belief. I thought I was going to have a baby in January. I was so happy, and couldn’t wait to meet my little one.
It’s been hard watching my bloggy friends have their babies. I have quite a few bloggy friends that have had their babies in the last month, and a couple more to go, all of which were my early pregnancy buddies. They are still my friends, and I’m thrilled that they are now (or soon will be) mothers. But I can’t help but think about the times we had when I was also pregnant right alongside them.
As I embark on my first FET cycle, I’m feel… I don’t know. I thought I would be pregnant by now. I thought there wouldn’t be any way that I would have this due date come and pass without succeeding at one of our treatments since. But here I am. And I don’t have a lot of hope for the upcoming FET, I just feel like it’s something I must do. All I feel today is sadness and longing for my baby that I lost in June. He was the one – he was supposed to be my child. And for some reason my body rejected him. But I will always remember him, as he taught me what it feels like to be a mother.
I wish I could go back, I wish I could relive that time. I’m afraid that I never will have a time of pure and complete joy in another pregnancy. Because now I know what can happen. After I knew it wasn’t ectopic like my first, I was thrilled beyond belief. I thought I was going to have a baby in January. I was so happy, and couldn’t wait to meet my little one.
It’s been hard watching my bloggy friends have their babies. I have quite a few bloggy friends that have had their babies in the last month, and a couple more to go, all of which were my early pregnancy buddies. They are still my friends, and I’m thrilled that they are now (or soon will be) mothers. But I can’t help but think about the times we had when I was also pregnant right alongside them.
As I embark on my first FET cycle, I’m feel… I don’t know. I thought I would be pregnant by now. I thought there wouldn’t be any way that I would have this due date come and pass without succeeding at one of our treatments since. But here I am. And I don’t have a lot of hope for the upcoming FET, I just feel like it’s something I must do. All I feel today is sadness and longing for my baby that I lost in June. He was the one – he was supposed to be my child. And for some reason my body rejected him. But I will always remember him, as he taught me what it feels like to be a mother.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Calling All Good Thoughts!!!
All right, ladies. I need some help. Please send all the positive vibes you have to California… My best friend in real life just transferred three embryos yesterday, and I’m really hoping at least one sticks!
I first talked about my friend last April here, when I was proud to announce I am an IF mentor. She started her IF treatments last year with Clomid, and unfortunately, it didn’t work. Based on her age (she’ll be 41 in March), her RE suggested that she pass up IUI’s and go straight to IVF. She was so excited to be going through IVF around the same time as me (she thought that meant we will have babies at the same time…). But it’s been nice to have gone through it, and be able to give her advice as she started shots, did the procedures, etc.
She responded amazingly for a 40 year-old woman. She had 19 eggs, 17 of which fertilized, 10 of which made it to 5 day transfer. She had 3 embryos transfer (recommended for 40+ years old), and 7 may be frozen, depending on what they look like today. I spoke with her last night, and she’s over the moon – so excited! And I’m excited for her!
I really hope this works. I would rather it work for her than me – I have more time. I have always felt bad about talking about my age issues when talking to her – she’s 5 years older than me and she reminds me of this constantly! She’s been such a good friend to me for such a long time, and she has been great through my infertility struggles. She even sent me flowers when I had the miscarriage in June.
When I found out we were going through IVF together, I bought matching fertility bracelets for the two of us. Although I haven’t been successful with IVF (YET!), I really hope this works for her. There’s something in the back of my head that needs it to be successful for her. I don’t know how to explain it, but I think I’ll be happier for her success than mine! I guess part of it is because I’ll be so nervous during my own pregnancy based on my history, and I have no reasons to be nervous for her – she’s never been pregnant.
We both have a dream of being pregnant together, and raising babies together. (We don’t even live in the same state, we rarely see each other, but we talk at least 1-2 times per week.) As soon as she heard my FET transfer date (February 11), she immediately figured out that we will be a month apart. I’m so afraid of any other result than both of us getting pregnant. I’m afraid of what it will do to our friendship – although I know we’re strong enough friends to handle it, I hope we don’t have to! But if it has to be either one of us that gets pregnant, instead of both, I hope it’s her. I really do. So please gather all the positive sticky healthy baby vibes you can muster, and send them to California. Send her peaceful 2WW vibes, and maybe me too. I feel like I’m in a 2WW too!
I first talked about my friend last April here, when I was proud to announce I am an IF mentor. She started her IF treatments last year with Clomid, and unfortunately, it didn’t work. Based on her age (she’ll be 41 in March), her RE suggested that she pass up IUI’s and go straight to IVF. She was so excited to be going through IVF around the same time as me (she thought that meant we will have babies at the same time…). But it’s been nice to have gone through it, and be able to give her advice as she started shots, did the procedures, etc.
She responded amazingly for a 40 year-old woman. She had 19 eggs, 17 of which fertilized, 10 of which made it to 5 day transfer. She had 3 embryos transfer (recommended for 40+ years old), and 7 may be frozen, depending on what they look like today. I spoke with her last night, and she’s over the moon – so excited! And I’m excited for her!
I really hope this works. I would rather it work for her than me – I have more time. I have always felt bad about talking about my age issues when talking to her – she’s 5 years older than me and she reminds me of this constantly! She’s been such a good friend to me for such a long time, and she has been great through my infertility struggles. She even sent me flowers when I had the miscarriage in June.
When I found out we were going through IVF together, I bought matching fertility bracelets for the two of us. Although I haven’t been successful with IVF (YET!), I really hope this works for her. There’s something in the back of my head that needs it to be successful for her. I don’t know how to explain it, but I think I’ll be happier for her success than mine! I guess part of it is because I’ll be so nervous during my own pregnancy based on my history, and I have no reasons to be nervous for her – she’s never been pregnant.
We both have a dream of being pregnant together, and raising babies together. (We don’t even live in the same state, we rarely see each other, but we talk at least 1-2 times per week.) As soon as she heard my FET transfer date (February 11), she immediately figured out that we will be a month apart. I’m so afraid of any other result than both of us getting pregnant. I’m afraid of what it will do to our friendship – although I know we’re strong enough friends to handle it, I hope we don’t have to! But if it has to be either one of us that gets pregnant, instead of both, I hope it’s her. I really do. So please gather all the positive sticky healthy baby vibes you can muster, and send them to California. Send her peaceful 2WW vibes, and maybe me too. I feel like I’m in a 2WW too!
Monday, January 17, 2011
FET – it’s on!
Thanks ladies, for all your wonderful comments. You were very helpful. I was a good girl and told the nurse all about it this morning at my appointment – I had sex on Friday (day 16), egg whites the next day, took OPK’s on Saturday and Sunday and they were negative, all the details. I started the conversation, “I have a confession. I had sex.” She was so nice, and very professional about it. She assured me that other people have done much worse (like some of you said!). And then she was the one to tell the doctor. Based on my bloodwork, and the ultrasound, and my history (been going to him for 15 months – all this history is finally worth something!), the doctor concluded there’s no way I’m getting pregnant this cycle, and I should start the FET cycle. Wow – this is the first time in a very long time that I’m happy about someone telling me there’s no chance I could get pregnant…
So tonight I take 20 units of Lupron, do this for 5 days, decrease it to 10 units on Saturday, and come in to the clinic on the 25th unless I get a period earlier. I’m very excited to do this FET. I think it will be much easier than the fresh cycle, and maybe my body will be more receptive without all those stimming drugs.
Now I have a few more weeks to keep going on my weight loss plan. I haven’t lost a ton of weight (7 pounds from my heaviest in my December IVF cycle, 3 pounds since January 1), but I’ve been walking for 40-50 minutes for at least three times per week. And I’ve been tracking everything I’ve been eating. These were my two biggest goals, and I think the exercise is already shifting some of the weight around, as some of my pants are feeling looser. On Friday, I put on a pair of jeans and was horrified that they were so tight – I didn’t understand it, but I wore them anyway. It took half a day to realize they were a pair of jeans that I haven’t been able to wear in a probably a year since they are a size smaller than my regular jeans… Pretty cool!
So things are good – I have found that my attitude is great if I’m doing something good for my body, like exercising and watching my food. And I’m really working hard at handling everything like an adult. And you ladies were also right – the fact that we could have sex with abandon speaks volumes for how we’re doing… I can’t believe I was able to forget!
So tonight I take 20 units of Lupron, do this for 5 days, decrease it to 10 units on Saturday, and come in to the clinic on the 25th unless I get a period earlier. I’m very excited to do this FET. I think it will be much easier than the fresh cycle, and maybe my body will be more receptive without all those stimming drugs.
Now I have a few more weeks to keep going on my weight loss plan. I haven’t lost a ton of weight (7 pounds from my heaviest in my December IVF cycle, 3 pounds since January 1), but I’ve been walking for 40-50 minutes for at least three times per week. And I’ve been tracking everything I’ve been eating. These were my two biggest goals, and I think the exercise is already shifting some of the weight around, as some of my pants are feeling looser. On Friday, I put on a pair of jeans and was horrified that they were so tight – I didn’t understand it, but I wore them anyway. It took half a day to realize they were a pair of jeans that I haven’t been able to wear in a probably a year since they are a size smaller than my regular jeans… Pretty cool!
So things are good – I have found that my attitude is great if I’m doing something good for my body, like exercising and watching my food. And I’m really working hard at handling everything like an adult. And you ladies were also right – the fact that we could have sex with abandon speaks volumes for how we’re doing… I can’t believe I was able to forget!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
So Stupid!
When we discussed our plan for the FET, the doc said the general protocol is to start BCP’s when you’re period starts, start Lupron around day 17-19, then have a period, start estrogen for your uterine lining to get thick, 17 days after that, do a transfer. We had the appointment with the doctor on day 12. I asked if we needed to wait until the next cycle, and he said no. We could start Lupron this cycle, if we assured him we weren’t pregnant. We hadn’t even had sex this month – of course I could assure him this!
And then… last night, we had some drinks, and in a moment of foolishness, we had sex. In the moments after, as I was in post-sex bliss, the hubs asked, “Is the doctor going to be mad at us?” Oh crap – I forgot! I had told the hubs after our appointment on Monday, either we try naturally this month, which would be the next couple of days, or we just go for the FET. Neither of us have any confidence in us conceiving naturally – this has never happened. So the hubs calmed me down last night by reminding me that it’s too late – yesterday was day 16. I’ve never ovulated past day 14.
But I just went to the bathroom, and found copious amounts of EWCM. I didn’t have any all week – just creamy stuff, but it never reached the point of egg whites. I’ve heard that semen can look like cervical fluid, but 12 hours later? At that point it’s all liquefied, right? I just did some research – Lupron causes birth defects – don’t get pregnant while on Lupron. I’m supposed to start Lupron on Monday.
I know your advice is to ask my doctor, but I don’t want to – I’m embarrassed to ask! I can’t believe we did something so stupid. And it’s probably going to delay us a month. I’m 99% confident that we won’t get pregnant – it’s too late, my chances are slim to none that it will work, but what if it does? What if this EWCM means I haven’t ovulated yet? Crap!!!
And then… last night, we had some drinks, and in a moment of foolishness, we had sex. In the moments after, as I was in post-sex bliss, the hubs asked, “Is the doctor going to be mad at us?” Oh crap – I forgot! I had told the hubs after our appointment on Monday, either we try naturally this month, which would be the next couple of days, or we just go for the FET. Neither of us have any confidence in us conceiving naturally – this has never happened. So the hubs calmed me down last night by reminding me that it’s too late – yesterday was day 16. I’ve never ovulated past day 14.
But I just went to the bathroom, and found copious amounts of EWCM. I didn’t have any all week – just creamy stuff, but it never reached the point of egg whites. I’ve heard that semen can look like cervical fluid, but 12 hours later? At that point it’s all liquefied, right? I just did some research – Lupron causes birth defects – don’t get pregnant while on Lupron. I’m supposed to start Lupron on Monday.
I know your advice is to ask my doctor, but I don’t want to – I’m embarrassed to ask! I can’t believe we did something so stupid. And it’s probably going to delay us a month. I’m 99% confident that we won’t get pregnant – it’s too late, my chances are slim to none that it will work, but what if it does? What if this EWCM means I haven’t ovulated yet? Crap!!!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
WTF Appointment
I had my WTF appointment with the RE (WTF – why didn’t I get pregnant?). It went well. I asked the RE about why the IVF didn't work, and he said it's just based on probabilities. He said that with each blastocyst transferred, we have a chance of about 50% that it will implant. So with 2 blasts, we had about a 75% chance. But we just fell on the 25% side. I asked if the Lupron trigger could have decreased the chance of implantation, and he said it could, but with the additional progesterone and estrogen I took, it shouldn't make a difference. I also asked about the chances of a FET compared to a fresh cycle. He said that FET's used to be worse, but now with the super fast freezing method (vitrification) they have success rates similar to fresh. The hubs asked about transferring 3, and the doc wouldn’t object to it, but didn’t think it was necessary – it’s up to us.
So we’re on for a frozen cycle. The plan is to start Lupron Monday – wow, that’s close! And then get a period around the 26th, add estrogen to build my uterine lining, and the transfer around February 11. It’s not a great time to do the transfer at work, but I may not have a job by then anyway (doubt it, but still), and I’ve learned a long time ago not to prioritize my job when it comes to stuff like this…
The hubs is pushing for 3 embryos. I told him I would think about it. I know it would increase our chances, but what if they all take? Sounds super scary – triplets? I know, it’s better than none, but really? I don’t know – must think about it.
I have to tell you guys about the resolution of the fight with the hubs on Friday. I’ve been going to therapy for over a year, and she keeps telling me to stay in my adult when having fights, or in communicating difficult stuff with the hubs. She said I really need to practice this especially before I become a mother. It’s true, this woman at work told me yesterday about the fight she got in with her son and how much she yelled and cussed at him – I definitely don’t want to be that kind of mother!
So after receiving the email, “I think we should wait a year before doing anything else,” I waited. I didn’t respond to him. I posted about it on my blog. And I thought. “What would my therapist say? Stay in my adult. What does this mean???” And so I thought some more. He emailed me later about something else, I responded calmly – no snide comments. And then I went home and coached myself, “Stay in your adult. Remain calm.” And I did. The hubs came home, and I was nice. Not overly nice, but adult, and calm. We got in the car to meet others, and he just kept talking about random stuff. Historically, things like this would blow over. OR I would get angry, and it would escalate into a huge fight. I didn’t want to either one of these – this is not what my therapist has taught me to do! And so at a lull in the conversation, I took a deep breath and very calmly said, “I don’t like the way you handled that email today.” And you know what he said? I was so shocked! He said… “I’m sorry.” No big explanation, no defensive behavior, no blaming me. Just “I’m sorry.” Amazing – he never apologizes! Seriously, never! So I said, “Thank you,” and we moved on our merry way. Everything was fine. And I’m so incredibly proud of myself for handling the hubs little temper tantrum well. This alone is something to be happy about!
Well, that and the fact that we’re starting again with treatments… I hate waiting!
So we’re on for a frozen cycle. The plan is to start Lupron Monday – wow, that’s close! And then get a period around the 26th, add estrogen to build my uterine lining, and the transfer around February 11. It’s not a great time to do the transfer at work, but I may not have a job by then anyway (doubt it, but still), and I’ve learned a long time ago not to prioritize my job when it comes to stuff like this…
The hubs is pushing for 3 embryos. I told him I would think about it. I know it would increase our chances, but what if they all take? Sounds super scary – triplets? I know, it’s better than none, but really? I don’t know – must think about it.
I have to tell you guys about the resolution of the fight with the hubs on Friday. I’ve been going to therapy for over a year, and she keeps telling me to stay in my adult when having fights, or in communicating difficult stuff with the hubs. She said I really need to practice this especially before I become a mother. It’s true, this woman at work told me yesterday about the fight she got in with her son and how much she yelled and cussed at him – I definitely don’t want to be that kind of mother!
So after receiving the email, “I think we should wait a year before doing anything else,” I waited. I didn’t respond to him. I posted about it on my blog. And I thought. “What would my therapist say? Stay in my adult. What does this mean???” And so I thought some more. He emailed me later about something else, I responded calmly – no snide comments. And then I went home and coached myself, “Stay in your adult. Remain calm.” And I did. The hubs came home, and I was nice. Not overly nice, but adult, and calm. We got in the car to meet others, and he just kept talking about random stuff. Historically, things like this would blow over. OR I would get angry, and it would escalate into a huge fight. I didn’t want to either one of these – this is not what my therapist has taught me to do! And so at a lull in the conversation, I took a deep breath and very calmly said, “I don’t like the way you handled that email today.” And you know what he said? I was so shocked! He said… “I’m sorry.” No big explanation, no defensive behavior, no blaming me. Just “I’m sorry.” Amazing – he never apologizes! Seriously, never! So I said, “Thank you,” and we moved on our merry way. Everything was fine. And I’m so incredibly proud of myself for handling the hubs little temper tantrum well. This alone is something to be happy about!
Well, that and the fact that we’re starting again with treatments… I hate waiting!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Not-so-fun Online Predictor of IVF Success
Want to know if IVF will work for you? You like taking quizzes? Then this is for you. Some Brits created a handy little online quiz which will predict your success at IVF. You can find it here. I hate it.
I put in my stats for my first IVF, and it said I had a 29% chance. My second will have a 17.6% chance. I don’t like these numbers. I liked my doctor’s crazy optimism that I was an “easy case” – except after my IVF failed… Then I didn’t like it anymore. Apparently not so easy. According to the SART report, my clinic has 49% of retrievals resulting in live births, and 53% of transfers resulting in live births for my age group. I liked those numbers enough to go forward with IVF, but now I don’t – I don’t really believe any of it. Oh, and I just had the pleasure of seeing the percent of transfers of frozen embryos resulting in live births is 21% for my clinic. Fan-freakin-tastic. So what is it really? Slim to none?
Oh and will someone remind me to not talk to my husband about anything related to IVF unless it’s absolutely necessary? I knew this before, but things have been going really well with us lately so I just did something stupid. I sent the link above to him, and told him the 29% and 17.6% chance numbers. He responded via email, “Dumb – another thing you found to be pessimistic – good job.” And I responded, “Really? You converted this into insulting me? Unbelievable.” (which was dumb – I should have just ignored it) And he responded, “You are unbelievable. I think we should wait a year before we do anything else.” And then he declined the outlook invitation I had sent him for the WTF appointment with the doctor on Monday.
Before anyone (besides me) freaks out, please know – this isn’t real. He’s not really saying that we should wait a year. He’s throwing a temper tantrum. He’s done it before, and he’ll do it again. I just talked with my therapist a couple days ago about communicating with the hubs. I know I can’t change him, but I can change how I respond to him. A year ago, I would have burst into tears (ok, I’ll admit, I just cried a little), and sent back an email continuing the fight, saying pissy things. Maybe something dramatic like “I can’t believe you immediately jump to calling everything off – don’t be ridiculous.” Or even, “I don’t need you anyway – we now have frozen embryos that I can use!” (Of course, he does have to sign consent forms… Don’t hate me because I’ve thought about this.) My therapist calls this being an adolescent. She tells me to stay in my adult. React in a rational adult way. I have to figure out how to do this. Right now, I don’t trust myself to respond. And so I don’t.
I know this will blow over – it always does – but I didn’t want this today. And so I move on with my life. I’m working like crazy, expecting a layoff, looking forward to Monday’s doctor appointment (I can go by myself – been to plenty by myself), and trying to make it through January without thinking too much of my sweet baby’s estimated due date coming up in a couple weeks. Other than that, now I have to figure out how to resolve this stupid husband thing…
I put in my stats for my first IVF, and it said I had a 29% chance. My second will have a 17.6% chance. I don’t like these numbers. I liked my doctor’s crazy optimism that I was an “easy case” – except after my IVF failed… Then I didn’t like it anymore. Apparently not so easy. According to the SART report, my clinic has 49% of retrievals resulting in live births, and 53% of transfers resulting in live births for my age group. I liked those numbers enough to go forward with IVF, but now I don’t – I don’t really believe any of it. Oh, and I just had the pleasure of seeing the percent of transfers of frozen embryos resulting in live births is 21% for my clinic. Fan-freakin-tastic. So what is it really? Slim to none?
Oh and will someone remind me to not talk to my husband about anything related to IVF unless it’s absolutely necessary? I knew this before, but things have been going really well with us lately so I just did something stupid. I sent the link above to him, and told him the 29% and 17.6% chance numbers. He responded via email, “Dumb – another thing you found to be pessimistic – good job.” And I responded, “Really? You converted this into insulting me? Unbelievable.” (which was dumb – I should have just ignored it) And he responded, “You are unbelievable. I think we should wait a year before we do anything else.” And then he declined the outlook invitation I had sent him for the WTF appointment with the doctor on Monday.
Before anyone (besides me) freaks out, please know – this isn’t real. He’s not really saying that we should wait a year. He’s throwing a temper tantrum. He’s done it before, and he’ll do it again. I just talked with my therapist a couple days ago about communicating with the hubs. I know I can’t change him, but I can change how I respond to him. A year ago, I would have burst into tears (ok, I’ll admit, I just cried a little), and sent back an email continuing the fight, saying pissy things. Maybe something dramatic like “I can’t believe you immediately jump to calling everything off – don’t be ridiculous.” Or even, “I don’t need you anyway – we now have frozen embryos that I can use!” (Of course, he does have to sign consent forms… Don’t hate me because I’ve thought about this.) My therapist calls this being an adolescent. She tells me to stay in my adult. React in a rational adult way. I have to figure out how to do this. Right now, I don’t trust myself to respond. And so I don’t.
I know this will blow over – it always does – but I didn’t want this today. And so I move on with my life. I’m working like crazy, expecting a layoff, looking forward to Monday’s doctor appointment (I can go by myself – been to plenty by myself), and trying to make it through January without thinking too much of my sweet baby’s estimated due date coming up in a couple weeks. Other than that, now I have to figure out how to resolve this stupid husband thing…
Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy New Year!
As I look back at 2010, my first thought is to think of the bad things, primarily related to my infertility: 3 IUI’s, 1 IVF, 1 ectopic pregnancy, 1 miscarriage at 8 ½ weeks, 1 MTHFR diagnosis, 1 activated NK diagnosis, no baby...
But I need to also focus on the good things of 2010:
-The hubs new job. He’s loving it, and if he likes his job, he’s a happy man. This has been really nice.
-Came out to most close people in my life about infertility. And most everyone has been pretty supportive. It has brought my mother and me closer, which is amazing in itself. And I’ve even started talking about my reproductive issues with my dad, and he’s been so sweet about it.
-Fabulous European vacation. 4 countries, great friends to vacation with, really good times.
-Closer with the hubs than ever before. All this infertility stuff really has helped us learn to talk to each other, or at least we’re trying.
-Started this blog. I can’t thank all of you enough for your support, and your willingness to listen to my crazy ramblings. I NEVER thought I would have a blog, but here I am, and I love it!
And so now I look forward to 2011:
This will be the year that I will get in charge of my weight. I will start treating my body well, and nourish it with good foods. And I will start exercising regularly. I will turn 36 this year. It is time for me to take care of this body! I have been neglecting it, and right now I’m angry at it for not working. I expect so much of my body that I need to be nicer to it. I’m not really doing any kind of weight loss goals, because who knows what will happen with fertility treatments and hopefully pregnancy. But no matter what, I will exercise. And eat good nutritious foods.
My job will be changing. I’m about 90% confident that there will be significant layoffs by the end of January. We’re all guessing it will be between 20%-50% of the company, and I’m guessing more like 30-40%. I’m also about 90% confident that I won’t lose my job, but I am about 100% confident that I will be losing some of the people that work for me, which would seriously suck. I’ve been here for 2 layoffs, and my job hasn’t really changed that much, but I think that this one will change my job a lot. The one person that really needs to leave is my direct boss, as he does just about nothing, and makes a ton of money. Seriously, from about 4 to 6 every day, he reads the paper. And from 8-10 every morning, he goes around and talks to people socially. He doesn’t have any work to do! We need to keep the “do-ers” and get rid of some of our upper people, but we don’t seem to do that. This will be the fourth layoff at our company since January 2007, and we tend to keep the VP’s, and get rid of the staff. In football, that would be the equivalent of firing all the waterboys and the guys on the bench if the team does poorly, instead of getting rid of the coach! So this will be interesting to see what happens.
We will continue to be as aggressive as possible with fertility treatments. We now have insurance with the hubs new job that pays for fertility up to $25K, and we’re going to bleed that dry. I spent about 3 hours yesterday working on my medical expenses for 2010, as we’ll be able to deduct them this year for the first (and hopefully last) time. Makes me sick how much all this costs. I would love to have a new year’s resolution about having a baby, or getting pregnant, or something. But I did that last year. And it didn’t work. This year, I will only make a resolution or goal with something I can control. And I can choose to keep going with fertility treatments. Statistically, if we keep trying, one of these times it will work, right? That’s the only thing that is keeping me going.
So as I look back to last year, and think about the next year, I’m not happy with 2010. It was hard, and I went through too much. I always knew it would be hard to have a baby – not because of anything in particular, but I just KNEW. But this hard? I had no idea. But this is just what we have to do to have our baby. For some reason, we have to go through all of this. And so we will.
I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year’s Eve tonight! We will be celebrating with friends at a small house party. I will be kissing the hubs and drinking champagne and having hope that 2011 will be a wonderful year for all of us!
But I need to also focus on the good things of 2010:
-The hubs new job. He’s loving it, and if he likes his job, he’s a happy man. This has been really nice.
-Came out to most close people in my life about infertility. And most everyone has been pretty supportive. It has brought my mother and me closer, which is amazing in itself. And I’ve even started talking about my reproductive issues with my dad, and he’s been so sweet about it.
-Fabulous European vacation. 4 countries, great friends to vacation with, really good times.
-Closer with the hubs than ever before. All this infertility stuff really has helped us learn to talk to each other, or at least we’re trying.
-Started this blog. I can’t thank all of you enough for your support, and your willingness to listen to my crazy ramblings. I NEVER thought I would have a blog, but here I am, and I love it!
And so now I look forward to 2011:
This will be the year that I will get in charge of my weight. I will start treating my body well, and nourish it with good foods. And I will start exercising regularly. I will turn 36 this year. It is time for me to take care of this body! I have been neglecting it, and right now I’m angry at it for not working. I expect so much of my body that I need to be nicer to it. I’m not really doing any kind of weight loss goals, because who knows what will happen with fertility treatments and hopefully pregnancy. But no matter what, I will exercise. And eat good nutritious foods.
My job will be changing. I’m about 90% confident that there will be significant layoffs by the end of January. We’re all guessing it will be between 20%-50% of the company, and I’m guessing more like 30-40%. I’m also about 90% confident that I won’t lose my job, but I am about 100% confident that I will be losing some of the people that work for me, which would seriously suck. I’ve been here for 2 layoffs, and my job hasn’t really changed that much, but I think that this one will change my job a lot. The one person that really needs to leave is my direct boss, as he does just about nothing, and makes a ton of money. Seriously, from about 4 to 6 every day, he reads the paper. And from 8-10 every morning, he goes around and talks to people socially. He doesn’t have any work to do! We need to keep the “do-ers” and get rid of some of our upper people, but we don’t seem to do that. This will be the fourth layoff at our company since January 2007, and we tend to keep the VP’s, and get rid of the staff. In football, that would be the equivalent of firing all the waterboys and the guys on the bench if the team does poorly, instead of getting rid of the coach! So this will be interesting to see what happens.
We will continue to be as aggressive as possible with fertility treatments. We now have insurance with the hubs new job that pays for fertility up to $25K, and we’re going to bleed that dry. I spent about 3 hours yesterday working on my medical expenses for 2010, as we’ll be able to deduct them this year for the first (and hopefully last) time. Makes me sick how much all this costs. I would love to have a new year’s resolution about having a baby, or getting pregnant, or something. But I did that last year. And it didn’t work. This year, I will only make a resolution or goal with something I can control. And I can choose to keep going with fertility treatments. Statistically, if we keep trying, one of these times it will work, right? That’s the only thing that is keeping me going.
So as I look back to last year, and think about the next year, I’m not happy with 2010. It was hard, and I went through too much. I always knew it would be hard to have a baby – not because of anything in particular, but I just KNEW. But this hard? I had no idea. But this is just what we have to do to have our baby. For some reason, we have to go through all of this. And so we will.
I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year’s Eve tonight! We will be celebrating with friends at a small house party. I will be kissing the hubs and drinking champagne and having hope that 2011 will be a wonderful year for all of us!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Christmas Recap
As much as I was dreading this weekend – the negative test, then staying at home by myself while the hubs went to his family for Christmas Eve, then Christmas morning by myself, and then Christmas evening with the hubs, it all turned out pretty well.
The hubs was great. I think he knew he needed to above and beyond with niceness, and he did. He was nice Friday morning after the negative HPT (I had told him exactly what to say if the test was negative – he’s pretty decent with a script), and he went above and beyond with nice comments throughout the weekend. I made it Christmas Eve by myself very well, thanks to my friends who took me out for a drink. I had a lovely martini (just one – what if I was pregnant??? I hate the game of hope…) and then went home, another friend called me knowing I was alone, and then went to bed early. Saturday morning I woke up and just cleaned stuff up around the house, not really having anything to do. The hubs bought the Logitech Revue thing for us, and also bought one for his family, and both have cameras. So he set it up at his parent’s house on Christmas Eve, and they called me on Christmas morning to test to make sure it worked. So we had a little webcast when I was by myself, and I watched everyone having breakfast together. I hated that part. Originally the hubs had offered that they would open presents at his parents and I could watch on a webcast. I told him that sounded like an awful idea – there’s no way I’m sitting by myself and watching him and his family open presents. So he changed the plan.
That afternoon, I picked him up at the airport, and by 5:00 pm, we were back at home and called his family. For the next hour, we watched them open presents via webcast, at least the presents we got them, and they watched us open the presents they got us. I have to admit, it was kind of fun. I was a big scrooge about most of it up until then, but as long as the hubs was with me, it wasn’t too bad. His grandma kept asking, “why are we doing it like this?” One uncle kept asking us if we wanted him to fix us a drink. Everyone thought it was bizarre that we wouldn’t be there for Christmas, especially considering the hubs was there that morning! Whatever – I don’t really care what they think of me. I won’t have to see most of them until next Christmas, and the ones that I will see soon know what’s going on. I just wish that staying home for Christmas was worth it. Now I scrooged up Christmas AND I’m not even pregnant…
After we hung up the webcast, we had our own Christmas, which was really nice. We’ve never done this. In seven years together, we’ve never had a private Christmas, and I really liked it. The hubs completely spoiled me. As always, we agreed on a dollar limit, and as always he went completely over the limit. I was very good throughout the whole Christmas – didn’t cry in front of him – except once. He gave me a little cardboard book for babies – Doggies – a counting and barking book. He has never once bought anything for a baby since we’ve been trying. We have a few things, but I’ve purchased them all. For him to have bought something for a baby… I’m sure he thought I’d be pregnant by Christmas too. This was hard to unwrap.
After unwrapping gifts, I made dinner. And using the word “made” is a stretch. I took out the honey-baked ham (LOVE!) from the refrigerator, and took out a couple frozen sides from the same store and popped those in the oven, and steamed some green beans, and served it all with store-bought rolls. It was fabulous, and took about as much effort as I could bear. And that’s about it. We just chilled out the rest of the weekend, and I had the day off yesterday, which involved going to the doctor for a negative pregnancy test – good times. And now I’m back at work.
I’m so happy to have Christmas over and done with. I had such high hopes that I would be happy and pregnant this Christmas, and I wasn’t. But it was as good as it possibly could have been. I’m proud of the way I handled myself during most of the weekend. I didn’t even have any meltdowns in front of the hubs, and we’ve been getting along great. After receiving the news yesterday and the order to stop the meds, we even had sex for the first time in a LONG time (between the hysteroscopy and restrictions after that to IVF and the restrictions after that – a very long time). I don’t know what we’ll be doing for New Year’s, but I have a feeling it will involve drinks – a lot of drinks. And I’m very happy to start another year – I’m so done with 2010.
Today is beginning my weight loss plan. No real rules, but each week I will pick something to add. This week I’m tracking everything that goes in my mouth. I usually try to do this, and stop very soon. But today, I’m starting and sticking with it! I have the Lose It! app on my iphone, and it’s very easy to use, so I’m doing it today. Not really sticking to a certain amount of calories, but just writing everything down. Plus I find that anytime I do this, I definitely think about it before I put things in my mouth… Babysteps… Usually when I try to lose weight, I go super big, and then crash and burn. So this week, all I’m doing is writing everything down.
I just have to do something that makes me feel better about myself. Because right now, after doing the biggest, most dramatic type of reproductive procedure, and it not working, I’m not feeling very good about myself… I know I’ve tried as hard as I could, and I did everything I could, but I feel like such a failure. My body couldn’t keep two perfect embryos alive. And I can’t help but feel like once again, I’ve failed.
The hubs was great. I think he knew he needed to above and beyond with niceness, and he did. He was nice Friday morning after the negative HPT (I had told him exactly what to say if the test was negative – he’s pretty decent with a script), and he went above and beyond with nice comments throughout the weekend. I made it Christmas Eve by myself very well, thanks to my friends who took me out for a drink. I had a lovely martini (just one – what if I was pregnant??? I hate the game of hope…) and then went home, another friend called me knowing I was alone, and then went to bed early. Saturday morning I woke up and just cleaned stuff up around the house, not really having anything to do. The hubs bought the Logitech Revue thing for us, and also bought one for his family, and both have cameras. So he set it up at his parent’s house on Christmas Eve, and they called me on Christmas morning to test to make sure it worked. So we had a little webcast when I was by myself, and I watched everyone having breakfast together. I hated that part. Originally the hubs had offered that they would open presents at his parents and I could watch on a webcast. I told him that sounded like an awful idea – there’s no way I’m sitting by myself and watching him and his family open presents. So he changed the plan.
That afternoon, I picked him up at the airport, and by 5:00 pm, we were back at home and called his family. For the next hour, we watched them open presents via webcast, at least the presents we got them, and they watched us open the presents they got us. I have to admit, it was kind of fun. I was a big scrooge about most of it up until then, but as long as the hubs was with me, it wasn’t too bad. His grandma kept asking, “why are we doing it like this?” One uncle kept asking us if we wanted him to fix us a drink. Everyone thought it was bizarre that we wouldn’t be there for Christmas, especially considering the hubs was there that morning! Whatever – I don’t really care what they think of me. I won’t have to see most of them until next Christmas, and the ones that I will see soon know what’s going on. I just wish that staying home for Christmas was worth it. Now I scrooged up Christmas AND I’m not even pregnant…
After we hung up the webcast, we had our own Christmas, which was really nice. We’ve never done this. In seven years together, we’ve never had a private Christmas, and I really liked it. The hubs completely spoiled me. As always, we agreed on a dollar limit, and as always he went completely over the limit. I was very good throughout the whole Christmas – didn’t cry in front of him – except once. He gave me a little cardboard book for babies – Doggies – a counting and barking book. He has never once bought anything for a baby since we’ve been trying. We have a few things, but I’ve purchased them all. For him to have bought something for a baby… I’m sure he thought I’d be pregnant by Christmas too. This was hard to unwrap.
After unwrapping gifts, I made dinner. And using the word “made” is a stretch. I took out the honey-baked ham (LOVE!) from the refrigerator, and took out a couple frozen sides from the same store and popped those in the oven, and steamed some green beans, and served it all with store-bought rolls. It was fabulous, and took about as much effort as I could bear. And that’s about it. We just chilled out the rest of the weekend, and I had the day off yesterday, which involved going to the doctor for a negative pregnancy test – good times. And now I’m back at work.
I’m so happy to have Christmas over and done with. I had such high hopes that I would be happy and pregnant this Christmas, and I wasn’t. But it was as good as it possibly could have been. I’m proud of the way I handled myself during most of the weekend. I didn’t even have any meltdowns in front of the hubs, and we’ve been getting along great. After receiving the news yesterday and the order to stop the meds, we even had sex for the first time in a LONG time (between the hysteroscopy and restrictions after that to IVF and the restrictions after that – a very long time). I don’t know what we’ll be doing for New Year’s, but I have a feeling it will involve drinks – a lot of drinks. And I’m very happy to start another year – I’m so done with 2010.
Today is beginning my weight loss plan. No real rules, but each week I will pick something to add. This week I’m tracking everything that goes in my mouth. I usually try to do this, and stop very soon. But today, I’m starting and sticking with it! I have the Lose It! app on my iphone, and it’s very easy to use, so I’m doing it today. Not really sticking to a certain amount of calories, but just writing everything down. Plus I find that anytime I do this, I definitely think about it before I put things in my mouth… Babysteps… Usually when I try to lose weight, I go super big, and then crash and burn. So this week, all I’m doing is writing everything down.
I just have to do something that makes me feel better about myself. Because right now, after doing the biggest, most dramatic type of reproductive procedure, and it not working, I’m not feeling very good about myself… I know I’ve tried as hard as I could, and I did everything I could, but I feel like such a failure. My body couldn’t keep two perfect embryos alive. And I can’t help but feel like once again, I’ve failed.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Officially Over
I just got the call. My beta officially proved that I'm not pregnant - IVF #1 didn't work. I'm not surprised, I had given up on Friday when I tested negative, but I hate how optimistic and hopeful I can be, because I kept playing out fantasies in my head, what if I was wrong??? And so all weekend, and especially today, I still hoped. I hate this about me, that I can work myself up and continue to have hope even when all evidence points the other way. I guess this is what keeps me going through all this mess.
I need to schedule a consult with my doc, and I suppose we'll just go forward with a frozen transfer. I have to wait a month to do this, right? I think people usually have a cycle that's unmedicated before going forward with frozen, right?
The problem with going forward with frozen is it's less successful than fresh, and I keep getting older, and then what Dr. Sher said keeps coming up in my head. He said that given my LH levels are higher than my FSH levels on day 3, he recommends Lupron before stimming, and if you don't do this, it could affect egg quality. My local doc doesn't agree, but what if it's true? The 9 frozen embryos wouldn't be any better than the 2 that didn't make it, and they were fresh!
All I know is I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of trying to get pregnant. I know I have a few more rounds of this battle in me, but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. We just did the most effective thing you can do to have a baby, and it didn't work. I know we have to just keep going and continue to try, but for how long? I wish I knew this was worth it, because today I'm not so sure.
I need to schedule a consult with my doc, and I suppose we'll just go forward with a frozen transfer. I have to wait a month to do this, right? I think people usually have a cycle that's unmedicated before going forward with frozen, right?
The problem with going forward with frozen is it's less successful than fresh, and I keep getting older, and then what Dr. Sher said keeps coming up in my head. He said that given my LH levels are higher than my FSH levels on day 3, he recommends Lupron before stimming, and if you don't do this, it could affect egg quality. My local doc doesn't agree, but what if it's true? The 9 frozen embryos wouldn't be any better than the 2 that didn't make it, and they were fresh!
All I know is I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of trying to get pregnant. I know I have a few more rounds of this battle in me, but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. We just did the most effective thing you can do to have a baby, and it didn't work. I know we have to just keep going and continue to try, but for how long? I wish I knew this was worth it, because today I'm not so sure.
Friday, December 24, 2010
No Christmas Surprise...
Well, my first IVF is over. Tested negative this morning. At 17 days past retrieval, and 12 days past transfer, I think we can call it. I have the beta on Monday, but please don't tell me I should have any hope - I just can't do that this weekend. It's too far gone for that.
Dropped the hubs off at the airport, and will be wallowing today for Christmas Eve... Actually a friend just called and he and his girlfriend are taking me out for a drink later. So that will be good. I'm handling it pretty well, only cried a little. I told myself this morning before I took the test that I'm strong, and I can handle anything that comes my way... I just really wish this wasn't it.
Dropped the hubs off at the airport, and will be wallowing today for Christmas Eve... Actually a friend just called and he and his girlfriend are taking me out for a drink later. So that will be good. I'm handling it pretty well, only cried a little. I told myself this morning before I took the test that I'm strong, and I can handle anything that comes my way... I just really wish this wasn't it.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I Have a Confession
No, I haven’t tested. Not since I told the hubs I wouldn’t – on Monday. I’ve been doing really well – both yesterday and today. Anyone that asked, online or IRL, I would tell them that I won’t find out until next week, but I don’t think it worked. At some point, I started questioning why I’m fine, how am I handling this so well? I’m not upset, I’m not even sad, or anything! I don’t get it!
And then, finally, I sat down and thought about it. And realized that sometime between Monday night and now, I changed my mind. I have hope again. I’m not upset, because I think I’m pregnant. I think this worked – I feel these embryos inside of me, and I’m looking forward to the beta so I can confirm that I’m pregnant.
This is not what I needed – I shouldn’t have hope. I know the stats, and I know the likelihood of getting a negative on 13 days past retrieval and still being pregnant are slim. But there’s hope!!! And stupid, silly me… I’m hoping. And setting myself up for disappointment…again.
I have a plan. I’m going to test on Friday. With a FRER. I told the hubs I was going to do it. I’ll be 17 days past retrieval, and 12 days past transfer. It will be effective, right? And if it’s negative, I’m going to call it. I’m just going to accept whatever it says. And I will be having a drink on Christmas Eve if it’s negative. Not because I really need one, but in my mind, that’s the truest form of accepting it’s negative. I’ll have a caffeinated latte in the morning, and wine in the evening – all my forbidden splurges…
And then, finally, I sat down and thought about it. And realized that sometime between Monday night and now, I changed my mind. I have hope again. I’m not upset, because I think I’m pregnant. I think this worked – I feel these embryos inside of me, and I’m looking forward to the beta so I can confirm that I’m pregnant.
This is not what I needed – I shouldn’t have hope. I know the stats, and I know the likelihood of getting a negative on 13 days past retrieval and still being pregnant are slim. But there’s hope!!! And stupid, silly me… I’m hoping. And setting myself up for disappointment…again.
I have a plan. I’m going to test on Friday. With a FRER. I told the hubs I was going to do it. I’ll be 17 days past retrieval, and 12 days past transfer. It will be effective, right? And if it’s negative, I’m going to call it. I’m just going to accept whatever it says. And I will be having a drink on Christmas Eve if it’s negative. Not because I really need one, but in my mind, that’s the truest form of accepting it’s negative. I’ll have a caffeinated latte in the morning, and wine in the evening – all my forbidden splurges…
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Welcome, ICLW!
Here we are, in December. Oh what a year. The quick recap for this year: 3 IUI’s, the first turned into an ectopic pregnancy, the second I got pregnant, and I lost my dear baby at 8 ½ weeks, and the third IUI was a BFN. I’m in the middle of the THREE week wait of my first IVF – today is 9 days past 5 day transfer. Beta next Monday. Started the year off as unexplained infertility, have been diagnosed with compound heterozygous for MTHFR and activated Natural Killer cells.
Those are the stats – now the real stuff is I’m not feeling very optimistic about my chances with this IVF. I had a testing fiasco this weekend, and the last test was yesterday, at 13 days past retrieval, 8 days past a 5 day transfer. And they were all negative. The hubs and I got into a big fight about it, and I agreed to not test any more.
I appreciate everyone’s comments about testing. It really is beneficial to hear about other people’s experiences and research. I had a long talk about it with my therapist last night, and then shared your comments and my therapist’s opinion with the hubs last night when I got home. He has such a hard time with sharing his feelings – just like a lot of men out there. He is still very optimistic, and he wants to trust our doctor – if the doctor says we can’t know until this weekend at the earliest, then that’s the way it is. So I told him he could be optimistic, but I didn’t have to be. It’s too hard to have hope, and then have my hopes dashed – that was what was happening with the testing – I was cycling through hope and despair several times a day! Every morning, I’d wake up real early, and think “today could be the day, I could find out I’m pregnant. Oh, what if it’s true, what if I’m pregnant? I really want to find out!” And then I would test, and then it would be negative, and I’d be crushed. And then later in the day, I’d convince myself that it was too early, that maybe tomorrow it will be positive. I can’t do this anymore. With the help of my therapist, I’ve decided that I’m just going to try to accept that this cycle didn’t work. It’s too hard otherwise. And if by some chance I get a beta on Monday that says otherwise, it will just be a wonderful surprise. (By the way, I called the nurse yesterday afternoon and begged for an early beta. They’re closed on Thursday and Friday, and they really believe Wednesday is too early – no more explanation than that.)
Somehow after changing my mindset, I feel better today. I didn’t test, and the hubs hadn’t even hid my tests. And I didn’t really want to test either. I may try to convince the hubs that we should test on Friday morning before he leaves. But I may wait until Monday. We’ll see. For now, I’m sad, and that’s ok too. We have plans for the future – I have nine frozen embryos waiting for me. But somehow I’ll make it through this week, and start really planning for the future next week, whatever future that may be.
Those are the stats – now the real stuff is I’m not feeling very optimistic about my chances with this IVF. I had a testing fiasco this weekend, and the last test was yesterday, at 13 days past retrieval, 8 days past a 5 day transfer. And they were all negative. The hubs and I got into a big fight about it, and I agreed to not test any more.
I appreciate everyone’s comments about testing. It really is beneficial to hear about other people’s experiences and research. I had a long talk about it with my therapist last night, and then shared your comments and my therapist’s opinion with the hubs last night when I got home. He has such a hard time with sharing his feelings – just like a lot of men out there. He is still very optimistic, and he wants to trust our doctor – if the doctor says we can’t know until this weekend at the earliest, then that’s the way it is. So I told him he could be optimistic, but I didn’t have to be. It’s too hard to have hope, and then have my hopes dashed – that was what was happening with the testing – I was cycling through hope and despair several times a day! Every morning, I’d wake up real early, and think “today could be the day, I could find out I’m pregnant. Oh, what if it’s true, what if I’m pregnant? I really want to find out!” And then I would test, and then it would be negative, and I’d be crushed. And then later in the day, I’d convince myself that it was too early, that maybe tomorrow it will be positive. I can’t do this anymore. With the help of my therapist, I’ve decided that I’m just going to try to accept that this cycle didn’t work. It’s too hard otherwise. And if by some chance I get a beta on Monday that says otherwise, it will just be a wonderful surprise. (By the way, I called the nurse yesterday afternoon and begged for an early beta. They’re closed on Thursday and Friday, and they really believe Wednesday is too early – no more explanation than that.)
Somehow after changing my mindset, I feel better today. I didn’t test, and the hubs hadn’t even hid my tests. And I didn’t really want to test either. I may try to convince the hubs that we should test on Friday morning before he leaves. But I may wait until Monday. We’ll see. For now, I’m sad, and that’s ok too. We have plans for the future – I have nine frozen embryos waiting for me. But somehow I’ll make it through this week, and start really planning for the future next week, whatever future that may be.
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