Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My TTC History (Part 1)

My current TTC battle has been going for only about a year, but I started this battle with a history. About 8 years ago, I was married before. Really nice guy, but I was not ready for marriage. I don't think I ever loved him. I got caught up in what I was supposed to do, and I don't think I ever really thought about what I wanted to do. Or what was right. But I was 25 when I met him, and thought it was time to settle down, get married and have kids. See, I always knew I wanted kids. I always wanted a family of my own. I wanted to have a chance to have a GOOD family of my own. See, I never really did have one of those...

So I picked the first nice guy to come around, and got married. I feel bad writing this, but this is the slimmed down version while looking back so many years later. And I vowed I would be honest on this blog. I plan to be completely anonymous, so I can be completely honest.

Shortly after getting married, we started TTC. We tried for almost a year. I got into the charting, the ovulation sticks, but never made it to a doctor. Instead, I sank really deep into an awful depression. It was triggered by the unsuccessful TTC process, but there are so many other things in my past that was involved in this depression. Needless to say, the TTC process stopped, and the trying to get better in the head process began. When I was able to start functioning again, eventually I decided to move on past my soon-to-be ex-husband, and be on my own. Tried to look at my life, and fess up to what I did - got married for the wrong reasons. I thank God for not allowing me to get pregnant then so we didn't have a little one to be involved in that process. But the pain never really went away.

Fast forward to 2009, and I got married again. This time, to someone who I love so much it hurts. Who I can't imagine my life without, and sometimes I wonder if I love him too much, because what if he doesn't love me like that??? (WHOLE other post - must focus...)

We had a fabulous wedding last May after dating for 5 1/2 years (didn't trust myself as much this time - SO glad we waited). But a few months before we got married, we stopped using birth control, and by the time the actual wedding happened, I was already charting my temperatures. Because this time, even though it was new with me and Hubs, for me, it was 8 years ago, all over again. All the anxiety, all the nervousness - what if it doesn't happen, exactly when I want it to happen - now??? But this time, I will NOT allow myself to get depressed, I will NOT allow this to take over my life, I will NOT allow this to take over my relationship. At least most of the time...

So last March, we ditched the birth control, and then tried naturally for awhile. It was kind of fun, not so much in my head. But I always knew there had to be something wrong with me - not sure what, but something. So finally, in November, we went to an RE for the first time. I met Dr. G on November 23, 2009, and the process began. HSG on November 25, 2009 - all clear. Then did a cycle of monitoring unmedicated, Hubs did a semen analysis (all looks good), and then on January 6, 2010, we met with Dr. G for a diagnosis and a plan. The official diagnosis:

Unexplained Infertility

WTF??? Seriously? We went through all that for Unexplained Infertility??? Dumb, just dumb. So how do you treat unexplained infertility? By throwing a bunch of money at it. No, really, Hubs and I listened to our options, and we had a choice of Clomid with IUI (Dr. G gave us about a 8% chance each cycle), injectible meds with IUI (30%, which I now know is probably way too high), injectibles with sex (didn't actually write that percent down), or IVF (60%). He didn't think we need IVF - he thinks we'll get pregnant within 3 months with IUI injectables. We weighed the costs, and the chances, and Hubs looked at me and said, "When have you ever known me to do something half-assed?" So we bypassed Clomid and did a round of injectibles with an IUI.

My IUI/injectible cycle began on January 9, 2010. Did a bunch of ultrasounds, inserted a bunch of shots in my belly, did two IUI's on January 19 and 20 (seems odd after looking at everybody else's stories), and waited 2 weeks. Stressed like I've never stressed before, peed on so many sticks, and by the time my Beta rolled around on February 3, was so upset that the cycle didn't work. After all, I started spotting the night before my beta, and all the home pregnancy tests I took, including the morning of the beta, were all negative. Wasn't even sure I should go in to the doctor to get the beta - I knew it would be negative.

And then I got that call that changed everything - it was positive.

Can't talk about the rest today - too hard. Maybe tomorrow.

Now, I'm off to have some fun with Hubs and friends - it's Trivia night! Which involves a bunch of us going to the local bar, having some drinks and good times, and competing at Trivia. I know, totally dorky, but so much fun, especially because about a year ago, our team started rocking - I mean, really rocking! We usually win 1st or 2nd about 1/2 the time, which is nice, because 1st place comes with $100. And 2nd comes with $50! So tonight, we're off to the bar to have some cocktails (obviously I'm not pregnant... Just wanted to clear that up) and have a good time. I haven't been to trivia in probably 1 1/2 months (can you guess the timing???) so I'm excited to see everyone.


  1. Thanks for stopping by my blog and delurking. Going to go add you to my reader now. I am so very sorry for your loss. I completely understand how gut wrenching that is, as I am sure you know if you have been following me story. You just have to keep picking yourself back up and have faith that you will be a mom when the time is right. Friends are really some of the best medicine around. I would have gone off the deep end by now without mine. Have fun at trivia! That sounds like a blast. Have a few drinks for me (while you can ;-)).

  2. Thanks for delurking and welcome to blog-land! I'm so glad you commented.

    I am very sorry for your loss and I look forward to reading the rest of the story.

    Hope you had a great time at trivia night - sounds fun!!

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