I got my first ever positive pregnancy test - not home test, but blood test - on Wednesday, 2/3/10. I had NEVER received a positive test - and let me tell you, I had NOT always been careful in my varied sexual history. Not that it's been that wild, let's just say that I've had some interesting escapades in that area of my life... And I always wondered why I was so lucky that I never accidentally got pregnant. Once I started actually TRYING, it started to make more sense, and I began to believe that it would never happen. I was so shocked when the nurse told me over the phone that it was positive. But she sounded tentative...
She said my HCG was 25 (low), estradiol was 72 (low) and progesterone was 7 (low), which was probably why I was spotting. She called in some prescriptions for estrogen and told me to up my dosage of progesterone suppositories, but all I heard was that I was pregnant. Sure, I immediately left work and went to the grocery store pharmacy, but then I immediately called Hubs from the grocery store and whispered to him the news. Poor guy, he works at his clients in varying environments, so at this time he was in a cube, and he couldn't say much. But boy was I excited. I thought that I would just take the estrogen pills, put on the patch, shove a few more suppositories up my vajajay, and everything would be fine - I was finally pregnant!!!!
One day later, I was at work at a company-wide meeting, sitting in the front of the room so I couldn't leave without attracting the attention of about 200 people, and I could feel the cramps. I could feel my underwear getting a little moist. Oh, how it hurt. I sat there for another 15 minutes, and then finally the meeting was over. I ran back upstairs to my office after going to the bathroom (red blood, but not heavy), called a nurse at the RE, and told her what was going on. She said to have someone drive me or if I could drive, to come in immediately. I was in the middle of a serious project at work - crazy busy - and I just picked my stuff up and left. I went to the RE, talked to another Dr. that was there (not Dr. G, but a younger, and nicer one) and got blood tests. Then I went home, got in bed, and waited for the results. Keep in mind that I started crying on the drive to the Dr. and never really stopped for a few hours until the Dr. called me. The blood work was great. HCG had gone up to 44, which they considered great from 25 in a day, estradiol was up to 844 due to my medication, but progesterone was only up to 8, which was why I was cramping and bleeding. He said to increase my suppositories - I think I was up to 4 or 5 at some point. I would have put 20 in at a time if it would have worked... And come in for a beta the next day.
Friday, 2/5/10: Went back to work after another beta. This one was ok, HCG was 49, which they said was fine, estradiol was 695, and progesterone was up to 16! The nurse said everything looked good, enjoy your weekend being pregnant. I felt like I had won the lottery!!! So I enjoyed that weekend, like I've never enjoyed a weekend before! I told the close friends that knew I was going through treatments, I even told a few people that didn't know anything except that we were kind of trying, I feel like I told everyone I was pregnant - oh, so stupid, and naive. I really didn't tell that many people, but later, when I had to tell people the bad news, it was so much worse.
Monday, 2/8/10: Walked into the RE office for another beta. At some point over the weekend, I had stopped spotting, I even took a few home pregnancy tests, just to see what 2 lines looked like! I was feeling good and pregnant!!! Oh, I was so happy!!! Went on my merry way that day, went to work, was so nice and happy, and just thrilled. And then the nurse called at 3:00 pm and ruined everything.
She said my HCG was 136. She said that it's not rising fast enough, and it's not high enough, and it's not viable. She said I had to come in the next day, and if my HCG kept rising, that I would have to take a shot. I didn't understand. I asked her if I could have any hope - she said no. I didn't know what to do. I should have gone home, but I was afraid to get up and walk through the building to my car. I was afraid to do anything. I was completely immobile. I just sat in my office with the door shut for 2 hours. I think I also was waiting to leave for my therapist appointment (THANK GOD!) because I knew that if I went home, that I wouldn't be able to leave for the appointment. So then I finally got up, went to the therapist, and just cried in her office for an hour.
Tuesday, 2/9/10: Another beta, now the HCG is 352. I was so confused. I pleaded with the nurse that afternoon - it's increasing! That must be a good thing. I don't understand - can't we just wait and see? She said that by now I should have levels in the thousands, and that it was likely an ectopic pregnancy. She said with hormone levels like I had, that it indicated an ectopic pregnancy which will continue to grow until the tubes burst, and hemorrage, or worse. My mother almost died from an ectopic pregnancy when I was seven... So she said I needed to terminate the pregnancy with methotrexate.
I am pro-choice - adamantly. I believe that it is every woman's right to choose what happens to their body. In college, I took my best friend to the abortion clinic and held her hand. And truly believed that she was doing the right thing for her. But for me, I NEVER wanted to have an abortion. As soon as I became sexually active, I made a promise to myself that I would never do that - I felt like I needed to make that decision before I got into the place that would require a decision. You see, my birth mother decided against an abortion. She almost had an abortion, but instead decided to have the baby - me. She decided to raise me, and it was only four years later that she decided she couldn't keep me. Whole other post, I'm sure, but the moral of the story is that I could never have an abortion. And the nurse is telling me to pick up a prescription of methotrexate, so I can have an abortion. I haven't figured this one out in my head yet - still working through this one.
Wednesday, 2/10/10: I pick up the methotrexate, and go to the RE. Even though Hubs is in the middle of his busiest time (100 hour weeks...) he meets me there. We talk to Dr. G to understand the process, I insist on an ultrasound to make sure there's nothing in my uterus, and they give me the shots. I go home.
Thursday - take off work. Cry. Start to bleed.
Friday - go back to work. Can't stay in the house anymore, I'm starting to go nutty, I mean really nutty. Like I've said before, I have a history of depression, and staying in a house by myself with bad thoughts does not help the depression.
Weekend - somehow make it through.
Now I'm not really sure when it started getting better, but it did. I started talking to people, and things started feeling better. My therapist has been awesome. Two weeks ago I started going to an acupuncturist, which is awesome and relaxing. I can go for whole chunks of the day without thinking about it, and then, it's bad. But those times are happening with less frequency.
I am even starting to get the fun part of my life back. We went to trivia last night, which was so much fun (we won 2nd place - $50!!!). And every day, life is better.
I know this is a little detailed, but I wanted to write this down before I forgot it. I want this blog to be a record of this process, for me. And I hope someday I can look back at this blog as a record of my adventures, some bad, but hopefully more will be good.