Feeling Negative

Thanks to everyone for your nice comments – it’s so nice to get feedback! I was doing better this weekend. We ended up having to go out of town for Hubs’ work, and so we were incredibly busy late last week and this week. I was able to get distracted, a bit, which was nice. We had a long talk about our plans, which was interesting. We both want to do one more IUI with injections, and we’ll start the cycle when my period starts again in April. I’ll continue to do acupuncture, primarily because it makes me feel so good. And if the IUI doesn’t work, we’ll move onto IVF – I think. I’m now going to do some research, figure out the costs for IVF, and I think we’ll plan to do IVF this fall, after our Europe trip.

I knew that if I agreed to go to Europe, Hubs would be less interested in moving aggressively forward on our babymaking plans, and want to hold off until after we get back. It kind of makes me mad – how quickly he can get excited about something else and be willing to postpone the TTC stuff. Meanwhile I continue to obsess, and just want this awful process to be over, and I don’t understand how he can focus on fun things!

Also, just found out this morning that a woman from work, who had her tubes tied after her second child, is now pregnant. Talk about an accident! Apparently they used a clamp on her tubes, which is supposed to be more effective than cutting them, and one of the clamps must have come off!!! She’s pissed that she’s pregnant, and I just stared at her while she was telling me her story, wanting to kill her a little… Not really, but seriously??? Why the fuck is she pregnant – clearly she didn’t want this baby – and I’m not???

So now I’m feeling down today. I’m in limbo – I really was planning on TTC naturally right about now, as I should be ovulating around now, and not only are we not trying anymore this cycle, but my basal temps are completely all over the place, and there isn’t a fertile fluid in sight! Not that I really need to be ovulating right now, but my body is obviously still completely jacked up after the methotrexate last month and I wish it was better. So this will probably hurt my chances of the IUI being successful next month, which then postpones our TTC process until after we return from Europe – probably November!!! Wow – I can’t believe this is where we are now. It seems like we just started the fertility treatment process at the beginning of the year, we only had one chance which failed through an ectopic, and now I’m talking November! I know there’s one more stop to take – an IUI in April, but I don’t have good feelings about that working. Just not feeling positive about this at all right now…